Lost in a Sea of Mothers: Am I a Mother Yet?

By Catherine Elizabeth Lambert

Lost in a Sea of Mothers is a book about one woman’s struggle with infertility, a diagnosis of stage IV endometriosis and exploring the world of motherhood by becoming a foster mother to teens. You will experience her journey of disappointments and frustrations as she searches for happiness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Catherine Elizabeth Lambert
• Release date: Nov 8, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466044128

Catherine Elizabeth Lambert

Catherine Elizabeth Lambert has been writing for over seven years now and published her first book, a memoir, "Lost in a Sea of Mothers: Am I a Mother Yet?" back in November 2011. Catherine released her second book, a fictional romance novel, "Mitch and Sea" in December of 2015. Catherine was born in Baltimore, MD. She graduated from high school in 1991 and received her A.A.S. in Veterinary Technology in 2003. Catherine has been married for over twenty-two years and she and her husband are in their early forties. The Lamberts tried to conceive children off and on for almost 16 years. In the summer of 2005, the Lamberts became certified foster parents but retired after only 5 years. Currently, they are parents to three young adults who were formerly in the foster care system. In October of 2012, the Lamberts adopted one of them (the other two did not want to be adopted). In February of 2013, their adopted daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and the Lamberts are now proud grandparents. Available for purchase: Apple, Amazon and Barnes & Noble. HINT for uploading to kindle from this site: you have to plug your kindle into the computer and then go into your computer Downloads file were it should have been uploaded to, click and drag it over to your kindle file which will come up when you plug it into computer.

Book preview

Dedication

To my Mother.

Who taught me to love, forgive and be compassionate to others.

Lost in a Sea of Mothers: Am I a Mother Yet?

By

Catherine Elizabeth Lambert

Smashwords Edition

Edited by Sarah Morgan

Cover Design by Patricia Field

Copyright 2011 Catherine Elizabeth Lambert

Some names and situations have been changed to protect the privacy of persons mentioned in this book. Any medical information mentioned in this book is written and expressed to the best of my ability as a layman. Please seek a medical professional before taking anything I have mentioned into consideration.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

Chapter One: A Childhood Dream

Chapter Two: True Love

Chapter Three: Starting a Family

Chapter Four: Fertility Testing

Chapter Five: I Should Be Changing Diapers by Now

Chapter Six: Independent & Alone

Chapter Seven: Cathy……Cathy!

Chapter Eight: A New Discovery

Chapter Nine: Surviving Melancholy

Chapter Ten: Venus

Chapter Eleven: Looking For Meaning in My Life

Chapter Twelve: Chocolate What?

Chapter Thirteen: Me too

Chapter Fourteen: I’m Sorry

Chapter Fifteen: Matthew

Chapter Sixteen: Failed Career

Chapter Seventeen: Foster Care

Chapter Eighteen: Endometriosis: My Nemesis

Chapter Nineteen: Baby Stimuli

Chapter Twenty: A Foster Mother to Eva, Darya and Shurik

Chapter Twenty-One: Am I a Mother Yet?

Epilogue

Update

Acknowledgements

Preface

I always believed that fulfillment and purpose in my life could be achieved through motherhood. Most of my life has been devoted to becoming the conventional mother I dreamed of being so many years ago. After sixteen years of trying, my husband and I were never blessed with children of our own. I’m thankful both my husband and I have two siblings each who were blessed with children to continue our family tree.

I searched in vain for books that would help alleviate my grief. Piles of books, hundreds of web sites and autobiographies later, I was able to find only two relevant experiences. But they were still less than I had hoped for.

When I had read one book about a husband and wife who dealt with continuous disappointments after trying several rounds of IVF, I identified with how the woman was feeling. I couldn’t imagine enduring the tests and treatments she described in her book and I was glad I avoided it. For a short time while reading I felt solace. We were struggling in a similar way. However, after researching her on the internet, I learned she became pregnant without medical intervention soon after adopting her baby. Learning that she wasn’t like me, I was heartbroken. I hated feeling all alone.

In the other book, the woman underwent several rounds of IVF and none were successful. She and her husband eventually became resigned to the fact that they would never have children and made peace with that. It helped to know my pain was shared by others. Our personal stories were related and I felt a connection at last. But she was able to move past it more easily because of her successful career and emotional stability. I could not. I had neither of those things.

I kept searching for stories similar to mine. I found very little; a few short stories on blogs but no books.

Most of the books I found on infertility and endometriosis were written by physicians who made the reading informative but impersonal. Because I never tried IVF, I avoided books written on the subject. I found books written by women who had one child but could not produce any more. I could not relate to those women either. I wanted to find someone just like me, but I was having a hard time finding her.

I searched for infertility groups to join, but they mainly supported women who had miscarriages, stillbirths, infant deaths, trouble carrying a baby to term, or those going through IVF. I could not relate to those groups either.

In sharing my story I hope to help other women come to terms with their own infertility and issues around being childless. This book is the one I wanted to find to help me overcome my depression and loneliness. My hope is that other women will feel less ashamed of what they cannot control and gain personal power in realizing that it’s okay to be different.

Introduction

I looked around the room. Pink cupcakes, chips and soda filled the small island in the middle of the kitchen. Beautifully wrapped presents were piled high on a table in the corner of the living room, and women were chatting away in the background waiting for all the guests to arrive. A baby shower was about to commence.

I received an invitation three weeks earlier. A party seemed like the perfect thing for me since I had been cooped up in the house for four weeks with little outside contact.

As I looked around, I noticed that every woman there had a child or was pregnant. Suddenly I became overwhelmed and uncomfortable in this party I had just stepped into. What was I thinking? Why did I go to a baby shower? I looked around again, and I just wanted to leave before anyone noticed I was there.

But the hostess, another Navy wife, caught my eye and headed my way; I’d have to stay.

Hey Cathy, I’m glad you made it. You can put your present over on the table.

I couldn’t stop staring at her belly; she must have been due to have her baby any day.

Oh, okay. I said awkwardly.

Help yourself to refreshments too. She said.

I said, Thanks, and watched her walk away and start to mingle with her friends.

It never occurred to me that I would be the only woman there that was childless. How could every single woman there have a child? I was so embarrassed. I felt like an outsider. I had neither children nor a big belly to show off to prove I was worthy to be in the company of these fertile women. I wondered if anyone else noticed I didn’t have a child or that I looked out of place. I wanted to disappear.

I had been to several baby showers and gatherings hosted by Navy wives before and they always had childless women in attendance, but not this one. Not one other childless woman showed up. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. To me, the childless women that didn’t show were the smart ones. I didn’t want to be rude and leave right away, so I stayed and tried to make the best of my difficult situation.

There were a few women I started conversations with but they were brief and the topic was nothing particularly engaging. One of the women asked me, When do you and Larry plan to start your family? I had to think of something quick so I wouldn’t sound too pathetic so I said, Actually…I’m two days late. I may be pregnant!

I really didn’t think I was pregnant but I was trying hard not to get sympathy or pity from the other women. I wanted to fit in. I was due for my second period since Larry had gone away for sea duty. It was highly doubtful but not impossible, since implantation bleeding sometimes looks similar to a regular menstrual cycle. I may have stretched the truth but they didn’t have to know that. I could not look all those mothers in the eye and tell them I was defective.

I bet you are, said another woman who was also listening to the conversation. If you’re not, it’s just a matter of time.

I wanted to believe her.

By then, my cycle had often been two days late. My body was continually changing and more so since my mishap two years earlier. I should have been more truthful with them but I wanted so badly to fit in. In actuality, I was only telling them what they wanted to hear. No one wants to be around someone that darkens the mood.

For almost an hour straight, I sat in one spot not really talking to anyone; just observing. I could have talked about work or hobbies that I had done but very few wives had a job or any hobbies because they were too busy caring for their children or preparing for their new arrivals. I might as well have been on another planet.

As I watched the guest of honor open her gifts, I disguised my discomfort with fake smiles and ooh’d and aah’d along with everyone else. As I sat there, I watched the expressions that came across many faces. Some had the look of familiarity, some showed disgust because of a past experience, and others just looked on in envy because they wanted what she had.

Some women already had children. And for others, their dreams of starting a family were coming true very soon. The seasoned mothers were giving advice to the new mothers and women still in their third trimester.

Most of the women were busy chatting away, giving each other advice on diaper brands, styles of changing tables, the best baby formulas or bottles to buy, different opinions on breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding versus bottle, c-section versus natural birth and other numerous topics of the day and life of a mother.

As I witnessed these conversations, I noticed that the corners of their mouth would constantly rise as they spoke, revealing how confident and content they were with what they knew or didn’t know and how their lives had worked out for them no matter what the stage.

Being there was hard for me to endure, I felt so much heartache inside but I didn’t dare let anyone know. I could feel my face blushing from embarrassment because I felt so lost in this sea of mothers. I had to save my sanity and go home. After two hours of self doubt and isolation, I politely stood up and made some excuse to leave.

The next morning, I woke up and realized I still hadn’t started. I really didn’t believe I was pregnant but I took a pregnancy test anyway. I couldn’t wait. I had an extra test I saved from the last time I bought a box. After three long minutes, the test read positive. The positive sign was faint but readable. My heart started pounding out of my chest and I paced back and forth around the apartment. I was so happy I couldn’t contain myself; I just couldn’t believe that I was finally pregnant.

Even though the test said positive, I doubted the results, but I was still hopeful and wanted a second opinion. I decided to call one of the Navy wives for advice. Because I mentioned the second line was faint but readable, she told me to check the expiration date on the side of the box. As I turned the box over to check the date, my heart dropped to the floor; the box had been expired for almost a year. I immediately felt embarrassed and stupid for thinking I was pregnant and for not checking the expiration date myself.

It was a false positive. I started the next day. I wanted to believe that I was pregnant so much that I ignored my reasoning.

-One-

A Childhood Dream

My desire for motherhood developed from my relationship with my own mother. My mother was always there for me whenever I needed her. She did everything a mother should have done and more. Unfortunately, my mother never bonded with her mother as she and I did. My grandmother was not a good role model for her and didn’t care for her as a mother should have. My grandmother expected my mother to care for her instead of the other way around. Despite my mother’s turmoil in dealing with her own mother’s shortcomings, she was able to temporarily overcome her own feelings and stresses to care for me and my brothers when the time called for it. I didn’t understand