So, What Do You Really Do For A Living?

By Cory Morgenstern

“So, What Do You Really Do For A Living?” is a book of hysterically funny, emotionally powerful and true stories about a child of the 60’s’ passion and commitment to being a full-time musician against everyone’s advice (especially his parents!!) and against all odds.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 12, 2011
• ISBN: 9781617924231

Book preview

Arrgggh!!

Nursing Home Stories

You’re A Shithead!

I remember going to a nursing home gig one Fourth of July for a one hour party on the upper west side of Manhattan. It was the kind of hot and steamy afternoon where the air was stifling, just standing still and not moving around you at all. It must have been 98 degrees.

There were lots of long picnic tables set up under a huge awning and the nursing home residents were surrounded by the beautifully landscaped outdoor garden and the wonderful smell of hamburgers and hot dogs and chicken being barbequed on the grills hit me as soon as I entered the area where I was supposed to play.

I had just finished setting up my keyboard, amp and microphone, trying desperately to find a shady spot so the heat from the sun wouldn’t melt the little plastic LCD screen on my keyboard, and was just about to start playing, when a resident sitting in a wheelchair right in front of me lit up a cigarette and blew the smoke so it just hovered there right in front of my face. When I looked to see who it was, I saw this old lady who must have been about 100 years old, the kind with one of those really wrinkled faces and her lips were pursed tightly around that cigarette as it kind of drooped down from her mouth. Now I’m not a smoker, and even if I was, I was about to play and sing for an hour and didn’t really feel comfortable with that kind of thing happening right in front of me for the entire show. So I was about to say something to her when a pretty, young Latina aide, who was standing behind the woman, gave me a nod like she understood what had just happened and without saying a word, took the arms of the wheelchair and started moving the woman back away from me, taking her all the way around the grills and the tables where the people were sitting and after making a big circle, finally ended up coming back down this path on my left side, to bring her into another part of the garden which was behind me. I mean this place was huge!

So just as they were passing me and I was about to start playing, the old lady told the aide to stop right next to me. I wondered why she stopped, when all of a sudden she leaned over to me and said, You know something and paused and I said yes? and she looked me right in the eye and said, You’re a Shithead! Well as soon as she said that, the young Latina aide kind of gasped and took off with the old lady, continuing to push her past me into the gardens behind me.

I was flabbergasted, of course, and immediately burst out laughing cause I couldn’t believe what she had just said, but couldn’t really afford to relish the moment too much because I had to start my gig. So just as I was about to start playing my first number, a supervisor came over to ask what was going on and when I told her she almost convulsed so hard from laughing she almost fell over! I guess she felt bad for me cause a minute later she came over and offered me some bottled water concerned that I was playing in that kind of heat! And man was it hot!

So I did my set, which was a lot of fun, as it usually was, cause I get to play all kinds of stuff, like Caribbean, and Rock and Roll and always seem to come up with songs that reflect the moment I’m playing in like Hot, Hot, Hot! or whatever is going on at that particular gig.

Just as I was finishing my last number, wouldn’t you know it but the pretty aide was coming up the path by me wheeling you know who! And like clockwork, just as they pulled up alongside of me, the old lady told the girl to stop again.

I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to say anything else, and curious to know what she could possibly have to say, I leaned over again and she looked me in the eyes and said, You know, you play beautiful music! I was truly astonished and for a change I was quick on the uptake and said right back to her, Does that mean you’ve changed your opinion of me? to which she quickly responded No!!"

It’s Mr. Diaperhead To You!!!

I had what’s called a residency at a YMHA in the Bronx for a few years around 1992. In my business a residency is defined as any gig that recurs one or more days on a weekly basis. This one as I recall was on Tuesdays and Fridays from 10 a.m. – 11:30 a.m., which was a great time slot to be working for a freelance musician like myself.

Now originally it was a program for seniors who would get to the YMHA by themselves or family members would pick them up and bring them and sometimes wait for them during the program and then have lunch with their parents or whomever they were bringing to the program. The YMHA also provided a shuttle service that would pick up seniors at their homes, drop them off for the program and then bring them back home after lunch. I personally think it is so great and so important for our elderly to be given the support they need after having worked for a lifetime and having given so much to their families and communities and it’s one of our most sacred duties to give back to them. We don’t do enough for our children, elderly or disabled no matter what age, in my opinion and I really think it should always be one of our top priorities. I’ve always said I love children and seniors, it’s just people my own age, I have no use for, (except those buying this book ,LOL!). So, so much for my political rant.

Anyway, I would come in and play on their upright piano and sing with no microphone because it was a small enough room and I have such a big mouth, oops, I meant singing voice!! We would do oldies, songs from the 20’s and 30’s all the way up to the present, if they knew them, as well as a good selection of Broadway tunes and songs from all other cultures from around the world. I’d learned to sing in Spanish, Italian, Yiddish, Hebrew, Polish, German, French and we even did Irish songs too! I have always been curious enough to learn all kinds of music and went out of my way as I have said before to know a little something in many areas. This way I felt I could appeal to people of all ethnicities and backgrounds and be able to have something for everyone. This was my musical philosophy and it really came out of my own curiosity and excitement every time I discovered a new area of music. I made up my own loose leafs which were well over 300 pages each and had binders with Classical music, Broadway Shows, and many other languages as well as the standard American Rock and Roll, Disco and Dance hits that I grew up with and loved, and also specialized in what we call audience participation such as line dances and songs with lots of hand movements, etc.

So we were having a great time and I would always look to personalize my gigs by getting to know the individuals in my program and finding out their favorite songs and this was especially rewarding for them because it would jog their memory and bring them back in time in a good way and generally make them feel good and I found this fulfilling and thought it was great fun. I really wanted my music to be of a healing nature and not just the vain crap that’s put out there by the Big Stars and American Idols who are more concerned with the clothes they wear and how they shake their butts and what size limo they can get and it’s seems to be all about them and not really the audience. They use the audience to further their own needs. Call me a sore loser or spoilsport or whatever you want but it’s just the way I feel. I haven’t that much need as far as I know for the Illusion of Glamour and all the material benefits that go along with it. Whoa, another rant!! Where the hell did that come from?

Anyway, to continue with this story, it was all going great and one day my supervisor took me aside and told me they were thinking of expanding the program to become what is called inter-generational. This meant they were going to start bringing in a few pre-school classes that were located in the YMHA building and have a joint program with seniors and kids. I thought this sounded like a great idea and would be a lot of fun and so I was all for it.

The following Tuesday the new intergenerational program would begin. I walked in that next Tuesday not really knowing what to expect and when I entered the room, there was my group of seniors and a minute later about three classes each with their own teacher and assistants walked in and man the room was crowded. There were already about 25 seniors and my supervisor and her assistant and I just looked out at this packed house and thought this is gonna be hilarious.

Now one of my best assets has always been my spontaneity. I don’t even know what I’m going to say from moment to moment. You probably know this by now if you’ve been reading this book! A lot of this actually came from working with a fellow named Bob Chevy who was an older club date musician and entertainer’ that I got recommended to about 1980. His contractor called me for a job on a Friday night which was always a nice extra date to be working, but it only paid $90 as a sideman. I balked at the money complaining that I usually got at least $150 for a sideman and he quickly shot back Look if you’re open just take the gig, what are you gonna do, sit home and play with yourself? (I swear that’s what he said!) "

A sideman was just what it sounded like. You were a hired gun on keyboards, usually you didn’t have to sing and just followed the leader on the gig. It was a no brainer if you could stay out of your own way and just follow orders and be attentive to the leader. I was pretty good on other people’s gigs like that. This might have actually come from growing up in my house where I always said I went to the Marilyn Morgenstern Finishing School (my mom) where she actually tried to finish me off if I didn’t listen!! . I still have a posed joke picture somewhere of her raising her hand to me and of me flinching. Man did she run a tight household.

My mom once had hired a fellow named Calvin, God rest his soul, who restored furniture for her. I would be hanging out at the house in those days, still living at home and following my own crazy schedule, and would talk with Calvin a lot. I was so lost and trying to find my way in those days and I guess I was telling him my life’s story’ as my older daughter would always accuse me whenever we were out and I would meet people and talk with them, however she did recently confess to me that she realized she does the same thing and shouldn’t have been so hard on me. One day Calvin turned to me and looked me in the eyes kind of serious and told me I really only had one question to ask myself. I said what’s that and he said, Are you a Leader or a Follower? and almost without hesitation I answered back A Leader!" So thanks Calvin, that was one of those defining moments in my life and you helped me a lot with that one question.

Anyway, if you were a leader like I was, sometimes it was hard not to try and co-author the gig and make suggestions where they weren’t appreciated or asked for, however I had no problem switching roles effortlessly and for that reason I think I worked a lot. I only made suggestions when they were asked of me. First of all, I always looked forward to working for someone else because I could learn new tricks and anything that was new was valuable to me. I would parlay it into a new shtick or routine for myself on my next gig as a leader. I was like a sponge in those years soaking up any new joke or routine I saw or heard someone use on a gig.

When I went to Chevys gig, as we called him, I was completely taken by surprise. He was unbelievably funny and had me in tears for most of the gig because of his ad-libs. One time we were playing for over 4,000 people at Pier 11 by the South Street Seaport when he walked over to the most well dressed gentleman in the first row, who looked like an executive in a Fortune 500 Company, introduced himself by shaking hands and saying loudly over the wireless microphone, How have you been? How’s the court case going? I heard you told the judge I swear, your honor, she didn’t look 12 years old! Well I don’t have to tell you that the whole place went nuts and the guy didn’t even get mad cause it was so funny! Another time, a garbage scow was passing behind us on the East River and Chevy stopped the performance , pointing to the scow to say Ladies and Gentleman, we’re going to have to stop now for a few minutes because the keyboard player’s lunch has just arrived. By the way, I’d like to introduce you all to Cory Morgenstern, our keyboard player, otherwise known as the Jewish Eating Machine! Nice!!

Chevy was one of my great mentors for comedy and was so great he ended up years later working steadily in Atlantic City, a close friend of Merv Griffin and working at his Resorts Casinos. I’d have to say that he single handedly turned my attitude from chip on my shoulder, stuck up, wanna be rock star, to being able to laugh at myself and realize how really very funny everything really is if you give it half a chance. He could turn anything into a humorous remark. I‘ve known a lot of guys and gals in this business with a chip on their shoulder and that was because I had one as big as the Rock of Gibraltar until I worked with Bob Chevy. God Bless you Bob up in heaven or wherever you are. You saved me from what would otherwise have been a rather long, dreadful, boring and sad affair and helped me survive and make it through what can be a tough business.

So to get back to the intergenerational program, I looked down at a group of about thirty pre-schoolers. Now these kids were barely out of their diapers and were all 3 or 4 years old. The teacher introduced me as Cory and told them I was going to play piano for them and we would sing all kinds of fun songs. This was a nice build up and then it was my turn to introduce myself and I said Hi kids, how old are you guys? and they shouted out 3 years old and 4 years old and I asked them Is anyone married or divorced? and immediately one girl pointed to a boy and girl sitting near each other and said they like each other, she’s going to marry him! and then another kid pointed out another boy and girl and said she used to like him but she doesn’t anymore! and all the kids and adults in the room starting screaming with laughter at how much these kids knew about everything I was saying and how smart they were and so we were off to a great start. So twice a week we would get together and sing children’s songs and then songs that both the seniors could sing with the kids. I actually did a fair amount of research and still use the book I put together with probably a hundred songs (I’m not kidding, I’m a maniac when it comes to research and quantity!). I would look for the reactions of the kids and the seniors and make a composite list of our all time favorites and so the sessions just kept getting better and better. We had so much fun and the look on the seniors faces as they lit up was wonderful when they saw and heard the kids sing and laugh and smile.

This went on for many months and I think we did this during the school year for two or three years. One day as I was leaving and waiting for the elevator, the kids were lined up in the hallway in their respective classes. You probably remember how you would line up against the lockers in the hall waiting to go somewhere, maybe back to your class for lunch. All of a sudden out of nowhere, I felt a swat on my behind and when I turned to see who did it, this little boy was standing there and looked right at me and said Hey Diaperhead! The other kids all saw him and just couldn’t stop laughing when they heard this and without hesitating (remember, I’m pretty quick myself), I leaned down and in a really loud voice yelled at him EXCUSE ME!!!! and in that moment everybody in the hall froze including the teachers who weren’t sure if I was going to explode and have a meltdown or go postal as some people say. All eyes were on me and in that next moment this kid looked up at me, I mean he couldn’t have been more than 3 feet tall and had the fear of God in his eyes wondering what was going to happen next and I yelled out really loud right in his face, IT’S MR. DIAPERHEAD TO YOU!!!

Well there was a pregnant pause as we say while they reacted to what I said and then kids started falling down all over the place laughing and screaming and pointing to me and repeating what I had just said. It was so funny that the teachers were just crying from laughing. I mean I didn’t even know I was going to respond that way and it surprised me as much as them and just then the elevator came and I got right in and left them just that way, laughing and screaming!

We Don’t Have To Say Please!

I booked a gig once at The Atria on the Upper West Side in Manhattan. Now for those of you who don’t know, an Atria is an upscale, expensive nursing home where the residents usually have some high end insurance policy like John Hancock and it doesn’t cost their kids a cent to keep them there. It’s like a luxury hotel with a large staff, a beautiful restaurant catered by a chef, and the accommodations are top shelf. I know because my Mom stayed in one for 9 months before she passed. My Dad had arranged a policy that took care of her to the tune of $6000 a month and that didn’t even include Doctors’ fees or medications and various other treatments they dreamed up. These were all additional and billed to Medicare, so they were making out like bandits, literally and just to show you how greedy these mother-fuc**rs are, as the executor of my parents will, I‘ve been bombarded and harassed continually, even to this day. Years after her death, with calls and letters from her Doctors, pharmacies and other companies, even though I proved in writing that she had relinquished all her assets after my Dad passed in 2004. I spoke on the phone at length many times with these people who all agreed there was no liability on my part and yet they refused to take me off their call lists or letter writing campaigns. What was that again that Charlton Heston said in Planet of the Apes? Damn them all to hell!!! Oh I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yes so I pulled into a free spot on the Upper West Side (no thanks to the city!) and went into the building up to the front desk where they informed me I would be playing a beautiful Steinway Grand Piano in the Library. Excuse me! Really this was so nice because I didn’t have to shlep my electric keyboard and amp and set that up just to have them tell me IT"S TOO LOUD! Oh, well maybe you should’ve hired an acoustic guitarist! They probably would’ve had one if only one lady with her hands stuck in her ears said he was too loud! Oh well, you just can’t win.

So I was supposed to start at 2pm and a few minutes before I went into the Library room to check out the piano and it really was a beautifully well-tuned Steinway with great action, which mean the keys were easy to push down when you played. Sometimes it feels like you’re trying to press down logs on these old, poorly maintained pianos. There were about thirty or so residents, each with their own aide and many were in wheel chairs. There were various devices hooked up to them like oxygen tanks or splints to keep their necks or limbs immobile. I’m rather used to this after all these years but it must look kind of bizarre and shocking to someone who isn’t around this kind of population all the time. I looked around and politely smiled to a few of the residents and staff who nodded back to me, sat down and prepared to launch into my first number and do my show. I had an hour to amuse these folks with songs and patter I would interject in between numbers which consisted mostly of medleys of anywhere from 2-3 songs all segueing from one to another and usually in one particular style such as Swing or Waltzes or Bossa Novas, etc. My patter might be an introduction to the song, a simple observation on the spot of the weather, or a impromptu ad lib - maybe a joke that seemed appropriate at the time or a response to a remark made by someone in the audience.

I perform anywhere from 200-300 or more of these a year. Yes that’s right, sometimes I do as many as 10 of these a week in addition to my private students and recording in my own studio still trying to create that hit record. ( I actually had a friend whose answer machine went something like I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone now but I’m down in the laboratory trying to perfect the perfect eighth note! )

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I literally knew my routines backwards and forwards, inside and out and could do this kind of gig in my sleep. As a matter of fact I thought I could do these gigs in my sleep until more than once I was doing gigs with my electric synthesizer which has the drums, bass, rhythm parts all built in and I would play over that with my right hand and sing, and one time I was astonished to hear the drum machine miss a beat!! This really can’t happen even by accident. It’s impossible! It either plays or doesn’t. It’s just a preprogrammed pattern in the machine that can’t be changed no matter what, unless you go into the software and do it directly in the program. Then it did it again a minute later! It wasn’t til that second time that I realized I had passed out for a second and become unconscious and it was me that missed the beat as the machine played the way it was programmed to. So