My Castle Wall

By Esther Manning

My Castle Wall was written from the perspective of going from victim to survivor of sexual abuse. Within those pages are people who taught me and took away my dignity and true self. Poems and short writings guide the reader through the trauma and drama of my life, unfolded as a victim, and how I was rescued through therapy to regain my identity as a survivor.

My story covers events that happened throughout twenty years of my life, being abused by no less than eleven perpetrators. As an adult, my three children became victims of a neighbor, and I had taken them into a children's therapy group. During that time, I was participating in a mother's support group.

The facilitator of the group recognized signs that I was abused and asked if I would see another therapist. I went but didn't recognize that I had been abused by anyone except an uncle. Then, my journey through the abuse led me to know how serious my issues were. I wrote poetry that helped reveal my past.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 21, 2024
• ISBN: 9798892432801

Book preview

cover.jpg

My Castle Wall

Esther Manning

ISBN 979-8-89243-279-5 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-89243-280-1 (digital)

Copyright © 2024 by Esther Manning

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

Child of Destiny

Courage Brought Me

My Search for Self

Group Session

My Castle Wall

Coping

The Child

I Am Not Alone

Secrets

The Broken Child

The Caretaker

Silent Obedience

Hidden Kingdom

The Feast

Grown-Up Child

I Am the Picture

Child's Play

Shadow

Child with Somber Face

Desperate Child

My Knight

Center Stage

Lost Brother/Lost World

Misplaced Loyalties

Love Affair

Journal of Tears

The Giving Shadow

Tiny Tears

Blinded

Reaching for Identity and Love

What Is Love?

Love Me

Hidden Questions

Touches

My Show

Faces of Disguise

Dependency

A Friend Like You

Lost and Found

Sometimes

Interpretation of Love

Suffering

Each Room Holds a Memory

I Wish

Heart Turned to Fantasy

Dreams

Merry-Go-Round

Dark Night

Cause and Effect

Pillage

So Many Times

Deprivation of the Soul

Ship to Shore

I Walk Alone

Tears of Dawn

Heartless Deliverance

Anger

Return to Sender

Inalienable Right

Double Vision

Who Are You?

Threads of Bitterness

Deceitful Game

Who Took the Child?

Guilt

Tears

Look Inside

Prisoners of Our Mind

My Dream

The Letter

The Healing

When Will We Learn

From Mirrors to Windows

To a Friend

Fragile Flower

For Those Who Walk in Valleys

My Gift to the Child

Bonding

The Task

First Meeting

Self-Disclosure

Do I Believe?

Freed from Crisis

Perception

I Wander

The Art of Caring

Counselor/Client

She Speaks to Me

The Cup Needs Filling

Beyond the Conscious Mind

Imagery Puzzle

Child

What Dreams Bring Out

The Bridge

Hanging On

By Choice

Compassion

Too Fragile to Touch

I Can Stand

For Them, I Weep

Mending a Soul

My House

Time to Heal

Hope for Others

Life Is Like a Long Walk

Love Does Matter

Loves Light

You'll Know the Measure of Your Soul

Don't Forget, There's Also Love

My Journey

Grandma's Tapestry

Seasons Change

Bridge Builder

I Am One

Your Own Way

Growing

We'll Walk Together

Quotes:

One Day

Time

Perception

You Think Too Much

Be My Guest

Spirit Born

Reach the Light

An Eternal Question

Joy

I Am Just Me

Patterns

I Will Be Free!

Life

To Perfection

Family Ties

Solitude

A Letter from the Child and Me

About the Author

Introduction

I was a victim. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. Within the pages of this book are thoughts and feelings of one who was abused and on the threshold of the joys of survival. Within these pages is my story, my therapy in dealing with the emotions of the crimes.

I relate these feelings and emotions in hopes that it will trigger something within to guide both victim and perpetrator to the help they need. Also, I hope that those who have not experienced sexual abuse will gain insight into what a victim goes through. I do not wish to gain sympathy but wish to educate.

This is not a book to read from cover to cover as a novel or story. Each poem or short writing has a feeling of its own. Take time to feel those emotions within yourself and maybe, just maybe, you also will be a survivor.

Esther Manning

Child of Destiny

Once, there was a child who suffered from a dreadful disease. This disease was known as abuse. I wish I could tell the whole story from start to finish. Maybe then you could know the full pain. I see bits and pieces and feel a minute particle of the suffering, but emotions were buried deep; very deep within the child.

She was born perfect. Nobody saw the flaw that appeared around four months old. And if they did see, they denied. How could the infant tell and know how far the pain would go? It started with an innocent touch that felt good. It reached deep within her and was accepted as normal.

She was a strong child to withstand the trauma, but as the abuse progressed, lack of trust, depression, and lack of communication skills changed the delicate nature within her. More than seven times, she was hit with the fury of it. In order to hide the secrets she possessed, she would go off by herself and just be an observer at play. Nobody bothered her, and if they did, it was just to tease. Teachers thought she was a wonderful student but very slow. They didn't recognize the affliction, and she kept the pain to herself and showed the world her strength.

At home, she tried to be strong like her brothers. She would play their games, and when the hurt was too much, she closed her door