The Heart of Esther

By Kara Wilson

So many times I look back at my life and wonder what would my life be like if the events in my life would have been different. Its so easy to get into the What if rut in our lives. Through it all, no matter how many times I look back on my life, I can not change my past. Everything that I have gone through, the good and the bad, has made me the person I am today. The situations that I have gone through have helped prepare me for whatever journey is before me

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 16, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469197876

Book preview

Introduction

Twenty years all gone, all past.

They went by so very fast.

I could’ve enjoyed them, could’ve cared,

but instead I chose to live them with a blindfold through my hair.

The past years have brought pleasure but mostly pain.

I only suffered and did not gain.

Crying, dying, or just hurting inside,

wishing I had some place to abide.

I remember those nights of fear,

those nights I wished

someone else would hear my cries and hold me,

understand the pain and set me free.

Have you ever stood in a crowd of people and still felt all alone? I have been stuck in that place most of my life. This journey that you are about to step into isn’t a girls fairytale of being loved by everyone and finding her prince in shining armor coming to rescue her and then living happily ever after. On the contrary, this is a journey with very dark and dangerous events that most people couldn’t possibly imagine. This is a journey about dark kept secrets, pain beyond comprehension, surviving the impossible, and through it all finding peace and happiness within a world of darkness. I have lived through so much, that people are skeptical. How could one person go through so much at such a young age? I have survived through abuse, drugs, alcohol, rape, being a single mother of a special needs son, and much, much more.

I hope that as you read this book, you will not feel sorry for me, that is not the purpose. My desire is that as you read about the pain and struggles that I have endured, that you will find hope for your own situation, peace for your life, and understand that it is not our circumstances that define who we are, but it is our thoughts about ourselves that define who we are. Regardless of what we have gone through, if we keep a positive outlook on our lives then we will always be survivors and never victims. I know that it is not easy to do, and I have made numerous mistakes as you will see. But I understand what it’s like to live in fear, constantly run from situations, to wake up every morning feeling guilty and worthless, living everyday constantly being reminded that no one loves me or cares about me, but still I have to remain strong and put one foot in front of the other because I don’t have any other choice.

Trapped inside, concealed from the life outside.

Trapped, no where to go except lower and lower

In an endless pit.

Forever and ever,

You’ll keep on falling

Until someone has heart enough

To catch you and tell you it’s just a dream.

But you say it’s not a dream.

You feel like a pacing lion in a cage,

Waiting for that one time,

Perfect to escape from this thing we call death.

Or is it just loneliness?

I want you to know, that no matter what prompted you to pick this book up and start reading, that I will be the one that has heart enough to catch you and tell you that we will get through whatever situation you are facing together. I may not be able to be there in person, but know that I am praying for you and hopefully through my story you will find the hope you are looking for to continue living your life, one step at a time.

Chapter 1

Image23767.PNG

The Dark Secret

There are times when people go through tragic circumstances in their lives. The last thing people want to do is talk about what happened and re-traumatize themselves. Well, I know that is how I am. I have been hiding behind that excuse for years. I have come to the realization, just recently, that sometimes in order to fully recover from an incident or to be completely healed, you have to have the courage to face your own emotions. That, in my opinion, is the hardest thing to do. It doesn’t matter how horrific a situation is, our emotions and our own thoughts can make it so much more terrible.

So many times in my life, I have just wanted to hide from everyone and everything. I didn’t want judgmental eyes staring at me anymore. In reality, my eyes were the ones that were being judgmental. No one else knew what I had just faced, or how I felt. But in my mind, I felt ashamed and therefore figured that is how everyone else was going to see me. I have hidden deep dark secrets that no one else knows about. But that is all about to change, and this is the first time that I don’t care how people view me after the secrets have been revealed. I can honestly say though, that it has taken me a very long time to get to the point where I don’t care what people think about me anymore. I have always lived my life trying to please other people and allowing their thoughts about me control my actions and decisions.

Yes, I have been through some horrible situations, and have caused myself to get into a lot of bad circumstances. But I have been silent long enough. No matter what, I refuse to allow my past to control and dictate what my future has in store for me. In other words, I refuse to continue living my life as a victim. Does it take time to heal and get to a place of forgiveness? Yes, it