Back and Forth

By Timothy R. Pauley

About the Book
Timothy R. Pauley is an author who courageously delves into the depths of the human psyche through his evocative and introspective writings. Born and raised in the south hills of Pittsburgh, Pauley has always possessed a profound curiosity about the inner workings of the human mind and the intricacies of the human experience. It is this thirst for understanding that led him to embark on his writing journey, culminating in his groundbreaking debut book.
Pauley’s first book is a poignant collection of stream-of-consciousness poems that dare to explore the complexities of mental stability, spiritual wandering, and the sobering reality of suicidal ideation. Through raw and unfiltered verse, he intimately exposes his own struggles and triumphs, unafraid to confront the darker corners of the psyche.
In this deeply personal work, Pauley’s words serve as a vessel, enabling readers to navigate the labyrinthine maze of emotions and thoughts that afflict the human condition. Each poem is a window into his innermost thoughts and feelings, a cathartic release of the profound depths of his soul. His raw vulnerability and unflinching honesty create an atmosphere of authenticity that resonates with readers who have experienced their own battles with mental health.

About the Author
Beyond his literary endeavors, Timothy R. Pauley is a loving son, caring brother, and devoted godfather. His deep-rooted connections to his family have played an essential role in shaping his perspective on life and informing his creative expression. He offers a compassionate voice to those who have longed for a way to articulate the complexity of their own emotions and thoughts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: RoseDog Books
• Release date: Sep 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9798890278470

Book preview

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The contents of this work, including, but not limited to, the accuracy of events, people, and places depicted; opinions expressed; permission to use previously published materials included; and any advice given or actions advocated are solely the responsibility of the author, who assumes all liability for said work and indemnifies the publisher against any claims stemming from publication of the work.

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2023 by Timothy R. Pauley

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted, downloaded, distributed, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, including photocopying and recording, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented without permission in writing from the publisher.

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ISBN: 979-8-89027-349-9

eISBN: 979-8-89027-847-0

Part 1

There will never be enough words to fully describe to you all the emotions I have gone through in the past three years. However, in a broad way, I will try to summarize… The start of this journey was very painful for me. I had what most would call a complete mental breakdown. In essence I started to believe that I was God or on other days, a prophet of God. My reality was bent, and my actions were incredibly volatile. My thoughts became my reality. At first it manifested in a positive way. I gained something I’ve never had, confidence. But as time went on this confidence grew into narcissism. Everyone else was wrong no matter what. That comes off in some of my earlier writing. I went from a person who was always goofy to a person who’d be screaming at my grandparents during a family event. Of course, this change started to scare my family. Their concern caused me to distance myself. I didn’t want them to get in the way of what I felt was missions being sent from God. As my mental state worsened so did my actions. I started demanding that others listen to me. I and I alone had the answers to their pain. As more and more people started to become concerned, the more uneasy I became. I believed I had to do something about this growing unease. That is when I got it. My message from God.

I had to sacrifice my life. Of course, I was deluded, I know this now. However, the moment I received it from a YouTube video, I was certain. This is what I must do. So, I got in my car. I sped through traffic, swerving into oncoming lanes, until I reached my parent’s home. It was there that I would try to drown myself in their pool. A moment of cleansing is what I thought most likely. When this action inevitably failed, I proceeded to run out of their pool, naked. Thinking, I am dead now. It was one thought that brought me back as I was about to round the corner of my childhood street. Family. And so, I turned around. Later the police showed up. I guess the neighbors didn’t like seeing my shriveled-up junk. I can laugh about it now, but for quite some time I felt deep shame for this. I was instituted into a mental health facility. Where they would tell me I had a psychotic break. Surprise, surprise. The last three years since this event have been a combination of highs and lows. I have been sad and in pain. I have rejoiced in my blessings. Back and forth, day to day until today.

Weighing Down on Us

Hi! My name is Timothy!

Lately I’ve been feeling like being a whole new man who turns

to the enemy with one crazy plan.

I’ll look them in the eye and say oh no you are no threat to me.

No, you will never be dead to me.

I know you’ve had enough yeah there’s no need to be tough.

So, let’s take that negativity that’s weighing down on us and

reroute it away from trust.

Because I’m through with it

Not through with you but through with it.

Through with negativity that poisons the body with

promises of probability.

Through with the weight that lessens a mother’s love unable to

let her float like a dove.

Through with a weight that try’s so hard to bate me.

Oh no in no sense does it want to date me, just to hate me.

For the first time I’m not afraid.

Yeah, I faith in humanity to pave the new wave.

Make no mistake, it won’t come without heart ache.

Cause with heart ache we continue to break through the

cage that continues to cause heart break.

The cage that’s been so heavy can be held steady.

Just be ready.

Kindness

Love is patient Love is Kind.

Let us find the kind which is blind.

The kind you will find changes a thought.

You may have been taught.

It comes in reasonable thought you have bought.

Although others have sought,

To make reasonable thought to be a lot. Or so I've

been taught.

At a loss, I stand here a better man.

Who can stand in his own box.

Of my own misdeeds that have sowed the seeds, To

further negativity.

Sometimes I hate me.

Not the me you see.

But the child who used to scream.

At dreams of Love.

All I needed was a truthful shove.

I wanted it to come from above.

That is not Love.

Now, my idea of Love has come from the very few some

who play their own drum.

That beat is called: Fun. It's called:

Laughing in the Sun.

Did you Know? You're an original.

Your heart Grows and Shows all your different roads.

I hope you go where the Love is shown.

And not so overblown.

I hope you phone home.

Pickup those tears you own.

Now show them in your tone.

You are not alone.

Those feelings, They

are your own.

Lower your tone when you are alone.

Yourself can't lack itself.

It's compared to a lack of health.

Seek wealth in the smile that tells everyone your style.

Do NOT turn down that dial.

You Just keep on with that smile.

Untold Love

Why should I say it all the time.

You always say it’s a crime.

But I just love in