The List

By J. Haney and S.I. Hayes

25 Men
2 women
1 incredible season

 

What happens when besties decide it's time to tie the knot? They hop on the reality TV circuit, of course!

Frankie Holden is determined that her best friend Montgomery Wilder has terrible luck with men. To that effect, she answered and landed an open call for a new kind of Dating Game. The List pegs your best friend against rich, available suitors, all vying for the chance to meet and fall in love with their soulmate. Join us as the numbers dwindle and the men try to avoid getting checked off!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Deviant Darlings Publications
• Release date: Mar 11, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224461516

Book preview

Chapter 1

Frankie

Welcome to this week’s episode of The List. It’s been six captivating weeks of blindfolded dates, flirtations, and disasters. As you know, our young Frankie Holden is with us to try and find the perfect man for her BFF. Twenty-five of the country's most eligible and delectable men were selected, and she has been quickly and ruthlessly vetting them. From a list that is hers alone.

I sit in makeup. I have had all this time to whittle through twenty-five of the country's most eligible bachelors. That's right, twenty-five pieces of USDA choice man meat. Presenting the top ten to my best friend, Montgomery, to date for the last weeks of the competition. We’re down to the top fifteen, and I haven’t seen one of them yet. I had to eliminate the first ten based on dates where I was blindfolded so I couldn’t be superficial and had to take them at the value of their conviction. Some just sounded like losers, so I had to nix um. Now, I’m getting to meet the boys, and I’m super excited. I can’t wait to go back to the bungalow and tell Montgomery what I’ve seen.

They let me go. It must be sweeps week or some shit because they think my meeting the boys poolside is the best idea ever! I’m in a hot pink and white bikini that leaves little to the imagination with a sheer floral cover-up, a big floppy hat, and sunglasses. My white leather fuck me pumps are showing off perfect pink toes. They tell me to go make myself comfortable and that the boys will be out shortly. Guess it’s a good thing I brought a word search puzzle book. Yeah, I know it’s very retro, but I'm addicted to these things. I live for dollar stores where I can snatch them up.

It doesn’t take long before the parade begins. I’m faced with a dilemma of fifteen men and only enough paint for ten. Boo. They gave me a little paintbrush and a jar of pink paint. I’m to checkmark the men that I think will be best suited for my girl Montgomery. After this afternoon, she steps in and begins her own process of elimination. Paint and all.

I look over the prospective lot. I know voices, and I know these guys want to meet and see Montgomery. I know they all are okay with and like kids. See, my girl has herself two. I also know they take care of themselves and claim to have good traits. The once-over, though, gives me more info. I see men under six feet tall. Poof. Montgomery is five-eight five-eleven in a heel, so seventy-two inches is the minimum requirement to play. Buh-bye, two dudes. Then, there’s an odor coming off one as I pass. He’s adorable but wash yo’ ass once in a while. Damn!. That’s three gone. Jail tats, that’s four, and a snaggle tooth makes five. I take all my mental notes to bear as I make my marks.

The cameras pull in, and they get the reactions of the rejects.

Cut. Calls Dwight, the director, for the tighter shots. That was perfect, Frankie. Brutal, as always. Now, you’ll go back and give your process, and we’ll get the reactions of our leading men. This is going to be great TV.

Thanks. I smile as I’m led to the little cabana where I have to tell them where my head’s at. I run them through my thoughts, and after being told I was brutal, I’m left to go see my girl. This whole place, all twenty-two thousand square feet of it, is wired not only for sight but for sound. Well, except for bedrooms and bathrooms. There’s no heavy mics or fat, smelly cameramen to follow you down tight hallways. Not that the corridors here are tight.

The main house where the boys and I are sequestered has thirteen bedrooms, and I’m in the master suite on the main floor. I swear it’s as big as my whole house at home! Where’s home? Uncasville, Texas, just between Corpus Christi and Kingsville. It’s beautiful, but so is Arizona.

I make my way down the stairs outside to the private bungalow where Montgomery and the kids are. She’s been here a bit. As soon as Zander got out of school, they drove out. She hasn’t had to deal with any of the guys yet. But tonight, that changes. Tonight, my thirsty caterpillar becomes a butterfly!

I knock because—manners and wait for the optimal tenth of a second before letting myself in. Hey! Monty! Where’s everyone at? It’s Auntie Frankie!

Frankie! Cari comes running full force at me before jumping. She’s four and one of the sassiest people I have ever met. Not children-people, because when she gets on a row, you forget she’s just a step up from toddler status.

Hey, babe. How’s my favorite Niece?

Bored! Zander and Mom are arguing about him not eating his lunch. She rolls her eyes.

You wanna go swim? I’m down to get wet and stupid! I shout through the house. I’m stealing your progeny! Putting her down, I smack her ass lightly. Go put on your suit.

Go to the corner until you can apologize and mean it. Montgomery scolds Zander.

Christ, Monty, the world is gonna see you in full Momzilla mode. I half chuckle. What he do?

Just arguing. She sighs. Today, out of nowhere, he decides he doesn’t like pizza. What kid doesn’t like pizza?

Me! Zander smarts.

No more talking, Zander.

Zander is six and has these moments where he tests even the saintly patience of his darling mother. Today is one of those days. Ever since Alaric died, it’s been rough on them. Three years without a daddy. He was bound to start pushing boundaries.

Sorry, he’s being an ass. I’m here to capture kids and get you primed for tonight. Group dating. Ten dudes. You ready for all that?

Not in the least. What is it we’re doing tonight? They’re cooking or something, right? To show they know how? Montgomery asks, wiping off the kitchen counter.

Yeah, some kind of group effort to show they can be team players. You get five courses, and they get to sit with you for the courses they make. It’s gonna be a long night for you. Wear an elastic waist. I smirk.

That sounds like I’m going to need to go to the bathroom to puke halfway through to finish dinner. She laughs.

Eh- I think you can handle it. I’ve seen you put away a whole large meat-lovers during Aunt Flo’s visit and a pint of Chunky Monkey.

I’m not even close to being ready for it, but I have my outfit picked out.

Well then, let me see, I’m the BFF. I get veto rights! I grab my girl, and into the bedroom we go.

Twenty minutes and four total vetoes later, we’ve narrowed it to three looks. A solid pink spaghetti strapped romper, a goldenrod sundress that, while going to the ankle, shows the best assets full on. If ya get me. The last one is a flowy tunic dress. White with big open orange flowers. It’s cute, too. With strappy chunky sandals, it’s even better.

I think we’re going with this one 'cause I wanna fuck you, and I don’t like pussy. I reference the tunic dress.

Is that really what we want them thinking about?

"They gotta wanna compete for it first. Monty, if you go out there in your Mom jeans and a messy bun for dinner, it’s not good TV, for one, and for two, you never leave the house like that, so why would this be different? I‘ve told them about you. Now you want them wanting you."

I suppose you’re right. I’m going to go shower. You’ve got the kids, right?

I’m gonna take them to the pool. You go get it done. Makeup will be here in an hour.

I don’t see why I can’t handle my own hair and makeup.

TV, honey. They cake it on to make it look like we’re not wearing it at all. I know. But it’s just for now. It’s gonna be worth it. You should see these guys. Oh, my. Momma likes.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Believe it, girl, We’re on Television! I smack her ass hard. You’ll thank me for it later.

Chapter 2

Montgomery

I feel like if I smile, my face will literally crack with how much makeup these people use. I'm riding in a golf cart from my place to the main house. It's crazy that we have so much property that we need a golf cart between the houses, but I know they did it because I have kids. I didn’t want the kids to meet every guy. Of course, I’m sure the kids would have helped weed out the duds pretty quick. If the guy isn’t good with kids, I can’t be with him. My babies are my life.

I open the door and walk into a black-and-white foyer. It’s one of those that have the double staircases to go to the next floor. Great place for a party but for every day? It’s a little much. I was told all the guys should be in the kitchen for me to go and introduce myself. The living room is just as fancy as the foyer—off-white and navy with a piano and floor-to-ceiling windows. Like I said, fancy. I’m starting to feel like I’m in the wrong place, like Dorothy in Oz. This place and me are no match.

Hanging a right, I pass the dining room. I swear all these people know is fancy. I’m a Texas gal. My home looks like a home. Toys are always on the floor, and there’s always at least two dishes in the sink at all times. I hadn’t mentioned the chandeliers, but I have to with this room. It’s almost touching the table.

I keep walking straight and come into another living room? This one has still got the fancy elements but it’s also more down-home. Something my parents would have in their home. Neutrals and blue which are perfect together. This room is attached to the kitchen, where all the guys seem to be working. They haven’t noticed me yet, so I get time to watch without being talked to. I lean against the back of the couch with my feet crossed on the floor.

There’s one guy that is much bigger than the rest. I swear he’s got to be ten feet. Don’t get me wrong, I like them taller since I like my heels.

They’re all either cooking or prepping. I keep hearing a loud bang and see one’s got a huge