A Vegas Monarchy

By Chloe Behrens

When we meet Sloan Harrison, she is a twenty-one year old; raising her teenage brother and sister, along with taking care of their ailing father. Money is tight, responsibilities are overwhelming, and work is the only life she has, outside of home.

Until Van Capitani walks into the bar she works at.

In this first look into the Capitani Family, you become acquainted with things as they “seem”. Sloan gets swept up in a world of high-rise condos, unlimited luxury, and the dangerous allure of the Capitani family. The privileges that come along with being affiliated with them seem infinite. But nothing is as it seems.

Once you scratch beneath the surface, you find secrets and lies lurking in the shadows beyond their glamorous façade. Before too long, Sloan finds herself completely embedded in it, with no end in sight. Or is there?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chloe Behrens
• Release date: Dec 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781300579106

Chloe Behrens

Chloe Behrens was born in Hudson Valley, NY and now resides in the suburbs of Dallas, TX."I fell in love with writing as soon as I learned how to read," she says. "Picture books progressed into lovelorn poetry. Poetry turned into short stories, and then the Van Steenburgh Family began in my teenage years. The story began, and then it wasn't until my early twenties that the second novel in the series came out. The last novel in the series was written this year. It was hard to put it to rest after it being with me for so many years." Still, she triumphed on.After the release of her Van Steenburgh saga, she penned two more books -- neither of which belong to a series. "Breaking Berlyn was so fun to tell because of the characters. Gavin and Berlyn's banter is so witty, and I love how he keeps her on her toes. He finds ways to open her up to new things, and she really needs that. Sometimes, we all do."Happily Ever After: A Tale of a Wedding Planner, has become more popular as a chick-lit/contemporary romance. It's being featured in the Frankfurt International Book Fair 2012, and is her best-selling book, yet! "I think it's because the main character Banner is so flawed, and independent. A lot of the fun, fearless women of today can relate to her. She's strong-willed, career-oriented, and she's human. She makes mistakes." Her male counterpart, Christian Brenhoff, is the epitome of what every woman wants, but doesn't want. "Or so she thinks. I don't know. We are all guilty of judging people, and when it backfires on us, we sometimes don't know how to handle that."She is currently working on her second series, and when she's not typing away on her laptop working on a story, she enjoys traveling, spending time with her pets, and life with her longtime boyfriend/best friend Shaun. "My life is an adventure," she adds. "One I thoroughly enjoy with each passing minute!"

Book preview

A Vegas Monarchy

The First Glimpse into the Capitani Legacy

A Vegas Monarchy

The First Glimpse into the Capitani Legacy

by Chloe Behrens

Published by

K R Cimorelli

Chloe Behrens

A Vegas Monarchy

E-Book Edition

The First Glimpse into the Capitani Legacy

© 2012, Chloe Behrens. All Rights Reserved

ISBN 978-1-300-57910-6

Smashwords eBook Edition

Published by K R Cimorelli

First Edition: 2012

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited in any form. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher.

Foreword

Obviously, no one can pick who their family is. You’re born, and from the second you enter this world, you just begin to adapt to your surroundings. You don’t get to choose who your parents are. There is no master catalog to pick your relatives from. This isn’t multiple choice, and there is no right or wrong answer, here. You simply accept the hand you were dealt. You make decisions, and if you get it wrong, you learn from it and move forward. Everything you endure is a learning process. Every action is a reaction, and every choice you make shapes your life. Everything you go through is all for the good of the bigger picture, right? Hell, I don’t even understand the bigger picture. If I were given the chance, might I have chosen differently? Would I have picked a mom who didn’t leave her kids behind to go sow her wild oats? Maybe pick a dad who wasn’t disabled and required care around the clock? Would I have chosen differently the men of my life, opting instead for the nice guys, or even just someone who respected and abided by the law? Might I have picked a life where I didn’t find myself responsible for raising my brother and sister, and making sure they didn’t turn out as fucked up as our parents did?

The answer is: No. I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Chapter 1

Bust

You have no idea how often I hear the What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas. People who vacation here, or come here for one last hurrah before they get married think it’s okay to come here to go absolutely nuts. They think that there will be no repercussions for whatever stupid things they do, while they're here. Like it's some magical place where indiscretions disappear, the second they leave town. Hell, I’m sure people get away with a lot. But the incessant flash of cameras tells me that nothing is ever truly left behind once people leave here.

It does provide for some decent entertainment on The Strip. But for those of us who live in this town, it’s just any other day. The glitz and glamour of the multi-million dollar hotels and casinos is quite a draw for crowds from all over the world. Truthfully, it’s really not that glamorous once you venture away from the famed strip of flashy hotels. It’s actually very seedy. Very hot, very dry, and very seedy…

I shut my car off in front of the house I called home, and just stared up at it. Sure, it needed some maintenance, but it was the only thing my father had in his name, aside from the old Camaro I now drove around. I grew up in that house — a place that a mechanic invested his life savings into, to raise his family in before his wife skipped town.

My eyes settled on the overgrown shrubs scattered in front of the small porch. The living room light was on, and it was seeping through the crack in the curtains. I inhaled deeply, opening the car door to leave the coolness that enveloped me, out into the sweltering desert air. The grass needed mowing. I’d have to get Gage to do it this weekend so we didn’t get another notice from the city. We certainly didn’t need them poking around…

I walked right on in through the front door, which caused me to roll my eyes. It was something I was always after my brother and sister about — keep the damned door locked! My father was asleep in his recliner, and the sound of his deep breathing was louder than the volume of the show he’d been watching on ESPN. I set my purse down on the couch and picked the remote up from the arm of the chair, hitting the power button, which seemed to mute the entire house along with it. I wondered where my siblings were, but before I went to find out, I paused and looked down at my father, so peacefully asleep. I wished things had been different for him. I wished it every night when I came home, finding him in this exact same spot.

I turned the lamp off, and then headed past him into the kitchen for a couple of ibuprofen and a cup of water. If it wasn’t the noise that got me, it was always the smoke. The ticking from the clock on the wall was in time with the beat of my heart. Setting the empty cup down, I looked around at the array of used dishes strewn about the counter, and piled in the sink. I was too tired to feel overwhelmed by them.

I headed up the narrow stairs, and flicked on the light switch at the top. Two of the three bedroom doors were closed. I lightly knocked on the first door, and opened the door slightly to find my little brother seated on the floor in front of his television, shooting zombies on his video game. Hey, I called out lightly. Don’t you have school in the morning?

Piper’s got a guy in the next room, and you’re worried about me playing video games?

It took a second for what he said to sink in, and I closed the door on his smirk before marching through the next door—this time, not knocking.

What are you doing? I demanded, flicking the light switch to find my barely seventeen-year-old sister lip-locked with some guy I’d never seen before. Startled, they retracted their roaming hands and the boy sat up awkwardly. Out, I ordered gruffly. He obediently jumped up and muttered goodbye to my sister before rushing past me. Then I focused my glare on my raven-haired little sister, who sat glaring right back. What have I told you about having boys in here? I hissed.

She rolled her eyes. He’s just a friend.

She was wearing a bright pink miniskirt, and her long skinny legs looked endless. I wondered where she’d been tonight to wear that, paired with tall high heels and a little tank top. You need to dress more appropriately, I fired.

Coming from the chick who works at a breastaurant, she snapped. Hooters wannabe.

It wasn’t anything I wasn’t already used to hearing. I’m not you, I reminded her coolly. And I’m twenty-one years old. Unfortunately, this is the only job that’s paying the bills right now, I growled. Go wash all that eye shadow off your face and go to bed.

I slammed her door, and then cringed, hoping I hadn’t managed to wake our father up. Gage cracked his bedroom door open, and eyed me curiously. Sorry, he apologized. I tried to tell her he had to leave, but you know how she is.

I shook my head. Don’t be sorry, I muttered. My eyes landed on my handsome little brother, and I appreciated him trying to look out for our sister. But if she had a hard time listening to me, she had an even harder time listening to her fifteen-year-old brother. Goodnight. I shot a half-smile at him, and then turned to enter the only room whose door was open. Mine. Closing the door behind me, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror propped against the wall. Tiny shorts and a cropped top made to push up my cleavage stared back at me. I wasn’t proud of working for one of many restaurant chains that made its business exploiting pretty girls, but at the same time, at least I was keeping my clothes on.

My room was a mess. Like the rest of the house, and my life. I undressed, throwing my uniform on the floor in a pile, and throwing on a pair of sleep-shorts and an oversized white tee. I stepped out of my bedroom, walking into the tiny upstairs bathroom the three of us shared, and I tossed my brother’s dirty clothes off the edge of the sink so I could brush my teeth and wash my face free of make-up. The bathroom needed to be cleaned. I’d worry about that on one of my days off, if I took one this week. Laundry needed to be done. The dishes needed to be done, and ever since the dishwasher broke, they now had to all be done by hand. Lord knows I couldn’t afford to have someone come out and look at it, and I certainly couldn't afford a new one.

I couldn’t afford a heck of a lot, actually.

I collapsed tiredly onto my bed and stared at the ceiling fan looming over me. I made a decent amount in tips tonight. It made up for the couple of slow nights before it. The weekend was coming up, which would definitely be busier. More customers equaled more money. Good, because I didn't really want to find a second job. Where was I going to find the time?

This was the hand I was dealt.

But while at times it was trying, and it wore on my mental health, those glimmers in time when my father's eyes brightened up at the sight of me sitting there when he woke up at the end of his dialysis appointment made it worthwhile. Those moments when Gage would step up and help up around the house without being asked, gave me the incentive to keep sacrificing my personal life to make sure they have everything they need.

That didn't take away from how hard it was, or how unappreciated I felt, at times. How could a fifteen and seventeen year old really respect their twenty-one year old sister as a parental figure? Most times, they didn't.

Time to get up! I looked at Piper in annoyance, and then stomped away from her room, scratching my head tiredly as I scampered off to get myself dressed. Gage scurried from his room past me, into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I heard Piper mumbling something as she threw the covers off of her. I mean it, I called to her. If you miss the bus there is no way I can get you to school and Dad to dialysis!

I threw on a pair of jeans and wrestled my hair up into a ponytail. When I emerged, Piper was lazily strutting past me with the nerve to look even more annoyed than I was. I left you some money on the counter downstairs for lunch, I told her softly. She looked like she might've been about to thank me, but the bathroom door opened again and out rushed Gage. Don't let the bus leave without your sister, I called behind him. When I turned back around, the bathroom door was closing.

Dad was up and moving around, downstairs. It was Wednesday. He somewhat knew the routine, now. Hi Dad, I greeted him brightly.

Good Morning. He still looked groggy.

We're leaving in five minutes, I informed him with a smile. Do you want your magazine?

No. I'll watch the show there, he spoke. By the show, he meant the television. Each of the machines had their own. Not that it mattered, when he always fell asleep in the chair for the four hours he spent there, three times a week.

Okay, well I'm going to grab my purse, and I'll be ready to go. I opened the refrigerator and quickly surveyed the emptiness of it. Looks like I needed to add grocery shopping to my never-ending list. Dad had a special diet. The kids needed food. Instantly, I felt a rush of panic flood through me. Until Piper skirted past me in yet a pair of short-shorts and a form-fitting t-shirt. Hey! I stopped her. You can't wear that — they'll send you home from school in that.

One can only hope, she smirked, heading out the door. My jaw dropped, making me want to chase after her and wring her neck. Thank goodness our father wasn't of completely sound mind anymore to have caught what his youngest daughter was wearing. I'd deal with her later!

Where we going?

You know where we're going, Dad. I helped him out the front door, and guided my slightly bloated father to his former pride-and-joy. So many evenings he had spent under the hood of that car, or shining it up. It was in great shape, and it drove perfectly. And because of him, I knew just enough about car mechanics that I could change the oil myself to save some money.

Don't like that place, he slurred slightly.

I know, I agreed softly, getting behind the wheel.

That doctor lied, he sputtered. Said my kidneys would work again! It was always the same. For nearly a year my father had been on dialysis, but he still got agitated every time.

He didn't lie, I replied gently. He said he wanted to do blood work and put you on the donor's list.

I'm not going to the hospital ever again, he insisted adamantly. Never again, Carla.

Ever since his strokes, he called me by my mother's name. The doctor had informed us from the get-go that our father would get things confused a lot, as a result of the blood clots that caused a series of strokes and ended up lodged in his brain. They were inoperable. He also warned us that more strokes were imminent. But if that weren't scary enough in itself, he got really sick and didn't know how sick he was, so his kidneys shut down. That's why I was now taking care of him, a house, and my siblings.

On a waitress salary.

Are you staying? He asked, swinging his hopeful grayish-blue eyes my way. I nodded, and he seemed at ease. They always take people away, he muttered, getting out of his car. Always people dying here.

They aren't dying, Dad. Sometimes people pass out. You don't pass out, I reminded him, taking him by the arm and walking with him into the building to check him in. Then, as usual, I would take a seat beside him with the handful of magazines I kept in the backseat of the car.

It was indeed sad, watching them hook my father up to the machines that kept him alive. It was hard looking at him now, as a pale, sickly man, when the father I grew up with had always been so stocky, tall, and intimidating. But I couldn't ignore it. It was a sad truth.

Always, one of us were there with him during his dialysis treatments three times a week. Like clockwork, he would fall asleep about forty-five minutes in, but he always seemed relieved when he'd wake up and see me there, as a familiar face. What a far cry from where we were several years ago.

Do you want to come to the store with me, or are you too tired? I already knew the answer, but it didn't hurt to give him the option.

I'm tired, he answered unsurprisingly. Just want to go home.

Okay. We'll be home soon. He sighed impatiently, and I drove on, making a list in my head of things I needed to get at the store. Toiletries, food, cleaning supplies. Do you want anything special at the store?

Pizza. I want some pizza. I nodded. He wasn't supposed to have pizza, but after his doctor told him he could have a slice of pizza on his birthday, he had it in his head that he could have it anytime he wanted. Not true.

Anything else? I asked.

Something chocolate. Right. Doc said I could have chocolate sometimes. No, he didn't. I said nothing. I just smiled at him, and then helped him out of the car once we got home.

Okay I'll be home in a little bit, I promised, before heading back out the door.

When I got to the car, my cell phone was ringing. Instead of getting a call back from one of the many office jobs I'd applied for, it was my friend Angela. Hey, I answered.

Hi! She greeted me brightly. So we had two girls call in tonight. Jeff wanted me to find out if you could come in early.

Like I'm going to pass up extra money, I scoffed with a laugh. I have to run some errands for the house first, but I'll be in, in a little bit, I told her. See you in a bit?

I'll be here!

Chapter 2

All in a Day's Work

Dad's special diet was costly, and it was all stuff that no one else in the house cared to eat. I didn't know if Gage started cutting coupons out of the Sunday paper he stole from a house down the street every weekend to mock me, but I wasn't too proud to use them. Every little bit helped. Two hours after walking into the grocery store, I came out with a basket of groceries and I saved almost thirty bucks.

Dad was napping when I came home, and it wasn't long before Gage and Piper were walking in the door from school. I had no idea where my day had gone, but I needed to get to work. Thankfully, Gage sensed my frustration and came to my rescue, gently nudging me away from the sink. I got it, he insisted. Don't you have to work, or something?

I do.

Go on, then. My eyes met his steely-blue ones that he inherited from our father. I'll throw some laundry in when I'm done here, he promised.

Sadly, he was the only one who helped around the house. My look was appreciative. Keep an eye on your sister for me, I requested softly, drying my hands. If she brings another boy in this house, I want to know immediately. I looked at him sternly, and his eyes returned down into the sink. The last thing we need is her ending up pregnant, I muttered, before leaving the kitchen.

When I pulled up to the establishment that paid all my bills, I parked my car and pulled my make-up bag from my purse. I slathered on some shiny pink lip gloss, and re-drew a thick line of black around my dark eyes. I dabbed at my face with some foundation, ran my fingers through my hair, and it was time to head in.

Hey thanks for coming in, my manager greeted me while I put my purse in my locker. Jamie and Kylie called in, and I knew you could use the hours. His eyes lingered upon me while I locked my stuff up. You look tired. Is everything okay?

I turned to him with a winsome smile. Everything’s good, Jeff. Thanks.

He nodded. Don’t forget about the bikini contest next week, he reminded me. Tuesday. Make sure you use your tanning membership, he called after me. You are looking a little pasty!

I rolled my eyes, heading out to the bar. I didn’t have time to enjoy five minutes in the bathroom by myself, let alone find the time to go get a spray tan. Eight hours to marinate and let that stuff set in without a shower? I couldn’t work like that. But I knew he was right. I got hired on there for a reason. If I couldn’t at least try to maintain the image I applied for, I might as well go work at Cheddar’s and take a cut in tips. Guys didn’t come here for lackluster looks. They came here to flirt with pretty girls.

I didn’t mind working the bar. It sure beat running around between tables, and the conversation was usually better. When I saw Nick walk through the door, it instantly made me smile. Well, hello there, I greeted him while he took one of the many open seats at my bar. The usual?

Make it a double. He grinned back a cute smile. Pretty sad that in order for me to see you, I have to visit you at work.

I shrugged, pouring some whiskey into a glass. Well, when you have a family at home to support, you gotta do what you gotta do.

You sound like an old, married woman.

Ah! You made it! My stunning, blonde best friend came running into the bar, throwing Nick a pretty smile. Hi Nick!

Hi Angela. He took the drink I handed him, and he eyed me pensively. How is everything?

Same as it’s been, I answered.

Your father on the donor’s list yet?

I shook my head. He won’t ever be. He’s stubborn like that.

Such a shame. How’s my friend?

Gage is good, I answered brightly. He’s such a huge help. I’ll miss that kid when he eventually leaves for college.

Piper?

I sighed. Same as ever, I muttered, plastering on a smile to greet the couple of guys that sat down just a few seats from Nick.

I got it, Angela winked at me. Go back to Mister Hottie.

I chuckled, turning back to the guy who I owed so much to. Piper is giving me a run for my money, I confided to him in a low voice. Skipping school, dressing like she’s walking the streets, doesn’t respect anything I say. I don’t know what to do with her anymore. I can’t look after her twenty-four hours a day.

She’s just going to keep punishing the world for your mother leaving you guys, he frowned, downing some beer.

She’s just punishing herself, I retorted.

We should all go get a drink tonight, Angela reappeared, eyeing Nick. As long as I’d known her, she’d had an interest in my closest friend. An unreturned interest. There’s that new resort that just opened up on the strip. I’ve heard the bar there is ridiculously gorgeous.

Can’t, Nick turned her down. Have to work in the morning.

Sloan? She turned to me.

Maybe, I answered her thoughtfully.

Seriously, I'm having a hard time remembering all the fun we used to have, out on the town, she joked playfully, causing me to laugh. You know you wanna!

I did want to. I needed a night out. Suddenly, Nick looked like he might be interested. Satisfied, Angela hurried off to go tend to her tables.

She’s never going to stop until you at least go on a date with her, I smirked at him once she was out of earshot.

I’m not into blondes, he smirked back, taking a drink from his glass. Didn’t you know?

I did know. I went off to help two older gentlemen that took a seat down the way, and thoughtfully cast a glance back in Nick’s direction as he watched one of the televisions overhead. The Yankees were playing tonight. His favorite team. The first game I’d ever gone to was when we drove to Los Angeles one weekend a few years ago to cheer them on.

It was the first trip I’d taken with a guy before.

He was the first of many things, with me.

It just didn’t work. We were too young to know what a real relationship entailed. Hell, I still believed I had no idea what it took to make something work. I dated a lot of guys, but when it came to commitment, what could I really offer? I just didn’t have the time.

He was a ruggedly handsome guy, with pretty blue eyes and dark hair he kept buzzed down. When he dropped out of high school, it was to work with his father full-time at his construction business. A business he would inherit, someday. His parents were good people. They always treated me like one of their own. I handed the two older men their drinks, and they told me how pretty I was. Thank you, I smiled sweetly. You guys are too kind.

How long have you been working here, sugar? I hated being called sugar.

Almost three years, I answered.

A pretty girl like you should have your face on billboards, he went on, looking directly at my pushed up cleavage. I maintained my frozen, sweet smile. You ever thought about modeling?

It wasn’t a subject I was interested in discussing. You boys are really too kind, I thanked politely, winking before I came back to Nick. I really wish I could get hired on at an office job and make as much money as I make here, I cracked.

I keep telling my dad how great you’d look in a secretary outfit, he grinned at me. But seriously, if you need any help with house, let me know, he extended sincerely. I knew he meant it. Hell, it would probably only take him five minutes to fix my dishwasher. But he’d already done so much for me. I know Gage has everything under control, but he’s a kid, too. You guys need a break sometimes.

Thanks. I gave him an appreciative smile. You know you can stop by whenever you want.

He knew. But he also still vividly remembered how much my father blamed him for my downfall. Will do. He downed the rest of his drink, and threw a twenty down onto the bar for his three dollar drink.

Let me get you some change, I grabbed it and started for the register when he stood up.

Don’t worry about it. I’m in a hurry. Bowling tonight, he winked. I’ll see ya, Sloan.

I watched his tall, toned physique head for the exit, and Angela called out for him as he left, but I don’t think he heard her. I stared down at the twenty dollar bill in my hand, and wished my former boyfriend didn't take pity on me.

He is just so cute, Angela remarked, coming back behind the bar. Did you convince him to come out tonight?

I shook my head. No, I answered. He will be home in bed by the time we even leave here.

She frowned with disappointment. I still don’t know why you two aren’t together, she spoke, tossing her bright blue eyes my way. It doesn’t matter if he’s surrounded by a room full of scantily-clad waitresses, he’s only got eyes for you.

She walked off, and I chuckled to myself. He and I both knew our time had passed. Hey sugar—can I get another one? One of the older men snapped me back to attention, and I smiled at them brightly. Right away, I answered.

It turned out to be a disappointingly slow night.

When I entered the break room, Jeff was in there with Angela, who had already changed into jeans and a cute top. She was ready to go out. She looked unaffected by the smoke from the bar, and her make-up was still immaculate. Maybe it was the expensive make-up she bought, because after a few hours I always had raccoon eyes and I felt like my foundation had long-since melted off my face.

Are we going out? She smiled at me, and Jeff turned his attention from her to me.

I didn’t bring any clothes to change into, I excused. Plus, I’m tired. I’m just going to head home.

She frowned. Aww, maybe tomorrow night, then. Maybe. Okay well I will see you tomorrow afternoon, she said, rummaging through her bag for her keys. Have a good night you guys!

She passed me to leave, and I headed to my locker, with Jeff’s perverted gaze fixed upon me. He watched me undo the padlock, and remove my purse from the locker. Have you lost some weight? He asked.

I don’t think so, I answered, rifling through my purse for my keys.

You look great, he observed. I think Angela’s put on a few pounds.

Angela looks great, I responded. Where were my keys?!

I’ve got this buddy who’s a photographer. I’d like to pass along your info to him if that’s okay.

Not necessary. I gave him a tight smile. Thanks, though.

He pays about five hundred per session, he went on. It only made me pause slightly, before I began emptying my purse onto the table. How’s your sister doin’?

She’s fine, I answered, turning my sharp gaze back onto him.

When does she turn eighteen?

Never, I snapped, turning around to make sure my keys hadn’t fallen out of my purse, into the locker. They hadn’t. Crap, I muttered, putting everything back into my purse. I can’t find my keys.

I can give you a ride home, he offered.

I’d rather walk. No, but thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow, Jeff. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Every moment I spent in his presence made my skin crawl as it was, but every second that I was actually alone with him gave me the creeps. As usual, I was one of the last girls to leave. Heading into the parking lot, I was still feeling around the inside of my purse, hoping my keys would magically appear. Turns out, that just wasn’t going to happen. I found out exactly why, when I got to my car to see them still in the ignition. And of course, the doors were locked. Shit! I set my purse on the roof of my car, and stood with my hands on my hips. It was after two in the morning. I was the only one in my house who had a car. No one could come and get me. I grabbed my cell phone and tried to call Angela. No answer. I hated the idea of walking home in this uniform. I suddenly wished I’d been smart enough to bring a change of clothes. Feeling defeated, there was only one other person I could think of calling. But he answered.

He always answered.

I locked myself out of my car, I confessed meekly.

I’ll be right there, he rasped hoarsely into the phone.

I sat on the trunk of the car for the seventeen minutes it took for Nick’s car to pull into the parking lot. I felt so bad for waking him up. I felt even worse