Marriage: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures

By Amber Dusick

The popular blogger, illustrator, mother, and author of Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures delves into special quirks of marriage.

In Marriage: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, Amber Dusick shares real stories of real life with her real husband. She provides much-needed laughs about coping with another person’s hygiene habits, cleaning rituals (including their ritual of not cleaning), financial decisions, cooking styles and everything else that makes your spouse weird and annoying special and perfect in every way.

“Funny and flattering quote from loving, supportive, perfect husband.” —Crappy Husband

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Dec 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781460346808

Amber Dusick

Amber Dusick was a sleep-deprived mother of two when she sat down to write her first blog post at CrappyPictures.com. Her pictures were admittedly crappy, but her hilarious take on parenting made the site an overnight success. She lives in Wisconsin with her not-at-all-crappy husband, two sons and two black cats. She also has a fish but usually leaves him out of bios.

Book preview

CHAPTER   009_numeral.jpg

FIGHTING

HAPPENS

Although we are joined by marriage, Crappy Husband and I are still two separate people. We each have our own opinions, likes, dislikes and interests. This is highly inconvenient.

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A FIGHT A DAY

We fight all the time. Almost every day. However, it is rarely about our relationship, our life choices or our deeply held personal beliefs. It is about something much more important.

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Especially when we are going to order in.

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Then sometimes after dinner we get to decide which movie to watch.

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We don’t go to bed angry. But sometimes we do go to bed without having watched a movie.

TEMPERATURE

We haven’t yet been able to calibrate our internal thermometers properly.

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I always tell him to take off more clothes. He especially appreciates this advice when he is already naked.

Every once in a while he’ll let me thaw my hands under his shirt.

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But most of the time I have to sneak up on him. He calls it back rape. I call it cuddling.

YOUR OPINION IS WRONG

We mostly agree on music, except when we don’t.

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It couldn’t possibly be that my personal opinion differs from his.

It must be that I’m somehow lacking in understanding.

Of course, it goes both ways.

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And both of us are huge fans of You haven’t given it a chance! even when referring to things we’ve disagreed on for years.

He also occasionally tries out, You won’t admit that I’m right! but that one just gets laughed at now.

Can’t we just agree to disagree? Nah, that’s no fun.

HOW I DON’T CUT PINEAPPLES

I don’t like to cut pineapples, okay? I just don’t. They are big and messy and pokey.

When we have a pineapple that needs to be cut I always bewitch Crappy Husband into doing it. (Notice how bewitch sounds so much sexier than manipulate.)

First, I feign ignorance and helplessness.

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A damsel in distress! Will my brave knight come to slice the pineapple with a few swings of his sword?

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Nope, he just offers advice.

So I start to chop up the pineapple by myself. Poorly.

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And my knight in shining armor finally arrives! To save the pineapple.

It’s not like I’m the only one who uses this method, you know. He really does know how to operate the vacuum, but he somehow convinces me that I’m just so much better at it than he is.

HOW HE GETS ME TO DO ALMOST ANYTHING

We have a bunny garden. A bunny garden starts out as a regular garden but then the bunnies hijack it and eat everything.

One day, I decide to build a fence.

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I’ll just use chicken wire and two-by-fours.

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He says You can’t on purpose. He knows this will guarantee that I’ll build a fence. This means he won’t have to.

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And I fall for it every time.

CREDIT THE SOURCE, OR ARE YOU LISTENING?

I don’t like having my content stolen.

We are having a conversation and trying to figure something out.

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Reviews for Marriage

[mirandar18 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This was a fantastic book that made me laugh out loud the whole way through. While it's biased and overdramatized, that's what makes it such a great read.