A Life Gone By: A Daily Journal

By L. A. DeGeorge

This is a real journal of a family who lives in fear. Follow the woman's life and see what advice she can give others that are forced to live like they do.

• Language: English
• Publisher: L. A. DeGeorge
• Release date: Jan 21, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370501335

L. A. DeGeorge

I own a horse facility and I have a few hobbies. They include writing, making homemade "curly" soap, and helping people with their hauntings. I love to write because it transports you to wherever you want to go. Your imagination is the only limit !

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A Life Gone By - A Daily Journal

By L.A. DeGeorge

Copyright 2018    by L.A. DeGeorge

Smashwords Edition

All Rights Reserved

Unauthorized distribution or duplication in whole or in part is strictly prohibited.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.  This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people.  If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase other copies.  Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

Well, I finally took my kids and left my controlling husband, the freak!  But after a few months I had to go back.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.  I decided to keep a journal of my experiences with my husband and what our life was like.  Everyone thinks he was a wonderful human being, and he was, to other people!

  Since we moved back to our cage to live with our puppet master it’s been a challenge to say the least.  I changed the names and some detail in this book to protect the innocent, which is us. 

The first part of this book is a summary of the time before I kept a journal to give background of our situation. 

Moving away with my children just made it worse, because the court gave him visits, as if he was a normal person.  If he was normal I wouldn’t have left!  DUH!  There was no cheating by either him or me.  I left due to his anger issues and hatred of me. 

Every other weekend and Wednesdays he was alone with our children who were 6 and 7 years old at the time.  He had no knowledge about child care and never helped with the kids since birth, ever.  He was always at work or sleeping.  He was not interested in learning anything except how to not pay child support.

Each day with him in our home was filled with his hate and yelling at me about what I did wrong.  It came to me that when we were dating I didn’t notice the signs.  Signs that there was something wrong with him.  It was a gradual takeover of my mind, body and soul.

At first it was just us, until we had children, two years after our marriage.  Over the first month of marriage he ordered me around and yelled at me about the strangest things.  I want to add here that we dated for four years.  There was a few times that he was a bit too angry over dumb stuff, but I figured it was just a strange occurrence.  Little did I know it was his normal behavior.  Soon correcting me was on a weekly basis, then a daily pattern.  It would range from how I did the laundry to how I put stuff  away in the refrigerator.  I would just fix it and move on, not saying anything back to him much at all.  I was afraid and shocked that he was so upset over something so stupid. 

After our kids could talk and walk, around 3 years old or so, he also berated them.  This was a cycle that I wanted to end.  I say cycle because perhaps he learned it from his family? I have no idea as his family is not close.  We rarely see them at all. 

For us to feel his wrath it could be something as minor as a blanket crooked on the couch or one of us burping in his presence.  Nobody ever knew for sure, it was like walking on eggshells, as the saying goes, or in our case more like broken glass.

In a nut shell, it was hell.  Every day was a roll of the dice and you never knew if it would be you he would zero in on that day.  When we heard his old van driving up the driveway we would scatter to our rooms.  If the weather was good we would go outside, anywhere but in eye-shot of him coming in the door. 

Sometimes I would fly around the house trying to organize stuff at the last minute.  I would put shoes in a straight line at the door and fix the rug at the entrance so it was perfect. Anything to please him, which never worked anyway.  But knowing this didn’t stop me from trying for some reason.  It was like doing more than you were told so you could get a raise at work.  Hoping against hope that he would say to you, good job.  Which he never did.

He would always find fault with everything, even stuff that was fine just the day before.  Freak.  He would say that I should have lifted the couch and vacuumed under it each time I vacuumed (three times per week minimum).  He would say this because he saw a fuzzy under it as he sat down across the room.  Another favorite one was that I didn’t fold his socks and underwear the right way, you just never knew.

Another good topic for him was my appearance.  I must be perfect at all times, but he never had to be.  He would make terrible remarks about what I was wearing until I changed it.  He dictated what I wore and how to wear my hair.  He told me what lipstick to use and would tell me how I looked terrible because I was so pale.  I am 90 pounds soaking wet with long brown hair.  I’ve never had weight problems except for keeping my weight on and I always wore make up.  So this was just ridiculous to pick on me at all.  He was a true freak of nature.  Never happy with anything. Ever.

At this point I want to point out that he wore the same clothes the entire time I’ve known him and before I knew him as well.  I’ve seen really old photos in albums that he has on the same clothes. He wore these clothes before dating, during dating and beyond into the present day.  I’m not kidding, ask anyone, even his so called friends.  Normally, he wore a t-shirt, depending on the year you knew him it could be orange, blue, or white, then he had on navy blue nylon shorts until the dead of winter, later on navy blue nylon sweat pants with a yellow stripe on the side.  This was just lovely (not).  To top this off he always wore the same white sneakers or hiking shoes and the same white socks.  All of his clothes were designer labels.

I want to clarify that when I say the same I mean he bought stuff in bulk, like 50 or more and wore them until they couldn’t be worn anymore.  Then he would get out 1 more from storage.  I’m not kidding.  This was like a lifetime uniform.  He also had a uniform for dressing up for weddings and funerals.  These clothes were even older, at about 35 years old or so. Did you ever notice that men’s clothes don’t change much over the years?  It’s weird. All I know is that I want to rip them off of him, stomp all over them, burn them and sprinkle the ashes! 

When a shirt of his had a stain on it he would make me soak it!  This would be a shirt that was at least 15 years old and had holes in it.  I called these his lucky shirts.  Lucky because they would be lucky to come back to him after they were washed!  Unknown to him, some were thrown away as I couldn’t bear to look at them anymore!

Don’t get me started with how long it took him to get dressed!  He was worse than a celebrity going to the Grammy’s!  It always took him an hour or more.  He was very clean, though which I appreciated except he took minimum 2 showers a day.  The towels were everywhere and wet!  He had a hair dresser on a scheduled basis, yes it was a salon.  He got a perm, haircut, color, beard trim, neck shave, etc.  He was on a regular routine but sometimes had an emergency. Seriously. 

He cared how people perceived him and when we did anything it reflected on him, these are his words not mine.  He used to yell it at us all the time.  What a narcissist ass.  He would do anything to be thought of as a wonderful dad and husband to the outside world.  It was all for show.

Everyone loved him, until they got to know him.  I noticed over the many years (22) that at about the 4-6 month mark they would disappear from coming around or calling him.  Unless they were an employee and paid, they were gone from his life.  Sometimes employees would quit as well.  Some were so afraid to confront him that they never got their last paycheck! One person who was about 22 years old, came to get his last paycheck with his mother and our truck driver as back-up! Let’s just say he laughed about it but I think he knew that he was not loved by all!  It was one of the few times that he gave a last pay check that I’m aware of.  He would smile when he talked about it with me and say it was more money for him to keep! 

When the kids and I moved back in to the marital home he was pretty good to us.  I say pretty good because he had some bad days of yelling and slipping back into the daily yelling routine.  I left for about 5 months, due to his nasty attitude and controlling freaky ways. I tried to leave him 4 times before that but never got very far.  I learned from each attempt until I finally made it out with my kids. I am, by nature, a giving person and tried to make our life work.  I simply could not take the constant yelling and badgering on a daily (and nightly) basis. It never, ever stopped!

He had a way of yelling at me that had the same phrases in it each time.  It was like a parrot with a loud song. He would say to me that I don’t work and when I do anything it’s never right.  This is a good time to say that our house was huge.  It was over 5000 square feet of living space plus a horse stable with outbuildings and gardens.  There was four staircases that were cleaned every week. Most is solid oak wood that shows dust at all times, even right after it is cleaned!  Solid brass fixtures that also show dirt and if that isn't enough, the kitchen has stainless steel that shows prints all over the place! Cleaning is futile.  It never was done, ever. Being a man that never cleaned it, he had no idea.  He never saw me do much because he wasn’t home during the day or even part of the night because he was always napping.  When he saw me I was tired and sitting down or in bed.  So in his mind I never did anything. 

When we were separated it was almost just as awful as being there in the same house. I was worried about what he did with our kids on the weekends and Wednesdays, so I moved back after much thinking.  I missed the good times we had and having an adult to talk to.  He was calling me constantly every day, one day it was 15 times.  Also the constant driving back and forth was exhausting because it was about 40 miles one way.  I hadn’t gained anything except some time away from him to sleep without being harassed.  But I still thought he could be outside watching me, waiting to break in and kill us all.  Who knows?

The best thing I could think of was to move back in and make sure my kids were okay. The worry was that he would take them and I would never see them again.  He said he would do anything to avoid paying child support, as it would be a substantial amount of money in his case. 

When I married him I was not allowed to have money of any kind and was not on any of his bank accounts.  I was to be at the house at all times.  Nothing was in my name, including bills and vehicles.  I was not a human being, I was an object to use as he saw fit.

Before we were married he didn’t discuss how our marriage was going to be.  I assumed that I would have access to some type of credit card or a couple of accounts for emergency stuff.  Almost like a normal married couple.  I also thought I would have my name on the personal cars along side of his name.  You know, just the normal average stuff. 

The day after we were married he sat me down and told me how it was going to go.  I was a separate person just living with him.  Nothing would change except I would not have my name on anything.  The way he put it, it sounded great because I would have no bills to pay and I would get my paycheck as usual from him.  He would buy my car from me at cost and put in his name.  This way I won’t pay for any insurance or tags anymore.

Then the next thing he said was that I would get an allowance from my paycheck.  He would cash it and give me a couple hundred dollars a week or so and that would be all I’d get, ever.  From that I was to get food and my clothes.  At the time it didn’t sound bad, but after you live it, it’s not good.  I couldn’t afford to do much of anything that I could before.  I had horses boarded and I needed more money just to care for them.  I pointed out about my horse board and he said we would play it by ear and see what I really needed. (I’m still on the allowance, and never had a raise for 19 years, by the way.  I moved my horses to our new house so didn’t have board to pay, so that worked out.)

I was not allowed to work outside the home or earn money, I would keep my computer job with his company.  Then in his rantings to me he would say I should get a job.  You just couldn’t please him, no matter what you did.   

As I stated above, I had tried to leave him and the cage of a mansion prior to this.  Each time something different happened to keep me there.  The one time he took our son and went to another state.  Kidnapping him to prove that I had no power and he could do whatever he wanted to.  This hurt our relationship at the very core.  I lost all respect for him, not that I had much at this point.  Most of our love died that day.  Our bond was broken.  After that it was never the same.  It turned me against him and he was the enemy.  From then on I wanted out and started to plan my escape.

When I was living without my husband I missed the good times, but not the bad.  The best part was that I finally was able to sleep and not be yelled at each day and night.  The hard part was remembering how loving or what he thought was love, could be.  Nobody was there to talk to.  Nobody was there to be with, except my children, however, they were in school most of the time. I was lonely and afraid of the future.  Daycare was more expensive than what I could even earn at a job, so I was stuck.  I could not go on food stamps or welfare because I was technically married.  We lived on my savings from the sale of my horses and tack.  After divorce was final, then I would be okay.  However, that could take years at this rate.  Ed didn’t want a divorce.  He wanted to keep me, literally.  What a nightmare.

I had lost weight during my time with him and his constant yelling at me.  I want to add here that he wad yelling AT ME.  I was not yelling back at him.  I was crying and afraid.  I did whatever he wanted and was terrified.  We were not arguing or fighting in any way.  I never saw this type of thing before as I was raised in a normal house where there was corrections but not like this!  I had no idea what to do but follow what he wanted to make him happy.  I reasoned after all that I was his wife and it was my job. 

I was down to about 80 pounds.  So while I lived without him I gradually started to eat without shaking and could relax when the kids were in school.  My stomach stopped aching as much and I could swallow without thinking it was coming back up.  I was up to about 95 pounds in about 3 months.  It was great, I finally could keep my pants up without a belt!  If I didn’t have to go to court or hire an attorney my nerves would have been even better.

It seemed like I had PTSD.  I was waiting on him to come home and yell at me!  I felt like I was constantly pacing and waiting for something to happen.  I was at a loss as to how to cope with all of the calm, quiet time I had.  I actually became bored because the townhouse was super small compared to cleaning the mansion.  Having no horses was very weird as well.  Not much exercise except playing with the kids out in the parking lot on scooters.  It was a whole new experience for me and I didn't like it much.  I planned on moving as soon as possible. We definitely needed something bigger with a yard and cheaper rent!

After we moved back to the mansion, little by little he fell back into rages again. This attitude change took about a year. I had a problem being at the house with him because I could remember what he was like before we left.  I’m full of anxiety and stress, not knowing when the yelling and throwing will be occurring again, which makes it hard to eat and sleep well.  I feel like we are all being judged every day, like we are at a job. It’s very tiring and I don’t know how long I can live like this.  We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop when he is happy for no reason.  When he is happy we are silent.  We wonder when he will explode.

I started to research online about his emotional state and how I can live with him in peace.  I think he has a disorder called NPD.  Narcissistic Personality Disorder, plus being a control freak.  I’m currently trying to retrain him.  When he does something that is abusive, or not a normal reaction, I point it out in a positive sounding voice.  If he is attacking somebody physically,  I say to stop it and pull him away, telling him that this is not good behavior.

As an example, he says to one of the kids that their teeth are gapped and ugly.  I say to him, that wasn’t very nice, the teeth will grow in and it will be just fine.  I like his/her hair, it’s growing nicely.  I think he got the message and said he didn’t mean anything bad when he said that.  This is the type of thing that the kids and I are doing.  Plus we talk and tell each other what he has done or said to us.

Below is a more detailed daily description of my life in my cage, after some time has passed. Generally, I try and type notes anytime I can during the day or at night.  If he sees me on the computer I get yelled at and sometimes he turns off the internet. (Turning off the line is just another way to control us.)  Keep in mind, we came back in 2012 when it was much worse than this before we left.  The first two years are missing because he threw my laptop and I didn’t have my work saved.  So after I got a new one I started using a memory stick.  If you get tired of the same thing over and over skip ahead and you won’t miss much!  If nothing else he has a routine that he follows!

  1/1/14 Ed had a bad attitude all day, in bed pretending to be sick again. (He does this when either I am sick or one of the kids, ever since I know him.)  Napping and yelling that he deserves to rest and to keep my kids quiet.  They are his kids, he just calls them mine because he didn’t want kids.  He is not a baby guy.  He never held or helped in any way with our kids, not until they were at least 5 years old and didn’t need help doing anything.

When he was up and came down stairs to the kitchen he went at me.  He pushed me in the kitchen near the stove.  He yelled at me about what I made and how to make it.  How terrible we are to him and how I do nothing.  Same speech as usual, it lasted about 35 minutes.

He turned bright red in the face and pushed me into the corner of the