The Art of the Committed Relationship

By "Sun Tzu" Younger

"The Art of the Committed Relationship" ingeniously takes Sun Tzu's ancient military strategy, "The Art of War," and applies its timeless wisdom to the landscape of personal relationships. This insightful guide offers readers a new way of looking at their committed relationships or the ones they plan to enter. The book is an invaluable resource to all those who have found the initial gloss of their relationship dimming over time and are seeking ways to keep their commitment alive.

Each chapter provides powerful insights into different aspects of relationships, such as understanding the relationship dynamics, assessing your role, and strategizing for future growth. All are presented through the lens of strategic thinking, encouraging readers to navigate their relationships as thoughtfully and purposefully as a skilled general commands his army. With this book, you'll find the tools you need to turn your relationship into a fulfilling and enduring alliance. If you're ready to embrace a fresh perspective on love and commitment, "The Art of the Committed Relationship" is an essential addition to your library.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Sep 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350912302

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The Art of the Committed Relationship

©Sun Tzu Younger

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Print ISBN 979-8-35091-229-6

eBook ISBN 979-8-35091-230-2

Contents

Introduction

Book I: The Basics

Book II: The Cost of Conflict

Book III: Positive Change

Book IV: Perspective

Book V: Variations

Book VI: Balance

Book VII: Progress

Book VIII: Handling Conflict

Book IX: Align and Assess

Book X: Living Together

Book XI: Growing Together

Book XII: The Dark Side

Book XIII: Resolution

Text of Sun Tzu’s Art of War

Introduction

War is how states settle matters, not how we resolve issues in relationships. However, there is a sense of conflict whenever we have to focus on specific challenges in our lives. In relationships, as in war, we must evaluate the situation, consider our possibilities, and then decide how to approach it, one challenge at a time. We then act, resolve, and move on to the next challenge.

In The Art of the Committed Relationship, I have paraphrased the axioms of Sun Tzu, adapting them to the challenges of a relationship. I attempted to preserve the spirit of each dictum as closely as possible while adapting it, keeping the profoundness and ambiguity of the original. Each passage is followed by a commentary, elaborating on the passage. I used the 1908 translation by Captain E. F. Calthrop for the original text, courtesy of the Gutenberg Project. For difficult passages, I compared with the works of Lionel Giles, also in the public domain, and the more modern translation by Samuel B. Griffith, published in 1963 by the Oxford University Press.

I chose to call this book The Art of the Committed Relationship, rather than The Art of Marriage. When speaking of marriage, we expect a cooperative, loving endeavor. So long as the love of your marriage is alive and permeating your life, you will do well without much advice. Most couples reach the point where the promise of marriage has lost its power. This book is meant for those who are dedicated to the commitments of marriage, but their relationship is not the partnership they hoped for.

The Art of War, like much ancient wisdom, has loosely connected and sometimes repetitive sayings. Often the chapters lack a clear theme. Each passage should be read on its own, without expecting a clear progression in the writing. The original text is in the endnotes, lightly edited for readability.

While men and women have different patterns in their relationships, the same basic ideas apply to both. Throughout the text I arbitrarily refer to the roles of wives or husbands. The specific examples should not be taken to mean that the issues apply only to one side.

The Art of the Committed Relationship, like Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, is a book on strategy, not tactics. Strategy is the wide-angle lens view of how you will achieve your objective, whereas tactics describe the specific actions taken in each situation. In war, strategy is the plan for the entire war, and tactics apply to individual battles. For marriage, this book will give you a strategic approach and help you understand the big picture, but it is very light on specific advice and concrete examples. Tactics would be specific moves, go-to phrases, and practical tips to keep your spouse happy and loving. There are many other sources for these low-level tips—the blogs and forums on the internet being the best source by far—and those should complement the strategies presented in this book.

Book I:

The Basics

The words of Sun Tzu the Younger, to all people: Marriage is a great matter. The quality of your marriage directly affects all areas of your life. A healthy rapport with a dedicated partner is the source of your energies and growth, and its absence is the loss of your life-force. Therefore, you must study the nature of intimate relationships.¹

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A content and loving marriage is a primary contributor to overall happiness. People with outstanding careers but no family happiness tend to be unsatisfied, while those who succeed in love but don’t have spectacular success elsewhere are happy with their outcome.

Our success in marriage depends on our insight into relationships and skill in applying it to our specific challenges. We must study the nature of interpersonal relations, our character and our spouse’s personality, how people change and resist change, and much more. Every observation contributes to our romantic progress and all-around happiness.

When people run headlong into solving their marriage complications without first considering how their actions might help, they have a very sorry life. Their troubles multiply as their unthinking efforts make matters worse while creating fresh problems at the same time. This behavior is like a general who rushes into battle without knowing the state of his army or the enemy’s disposition. He will lose everything, and the harder he tries, the more he will lose.

Now, in marriage, aside from your situation and how you deal with people, there are five preliminary matters you must recognize: (1) The Tao of marriage, (2) your environment, (3) your specific circumstances, (4) the nature of men, (5) the nature of women.

The Tao of marriage: A sense for intimate relationships and the typical paths they follow. Couples who respect the natural ways are united and happy, free of tensions, and each is content in the service of the other.

Your social context: The external expectations and pressures that affect you.

Your circumstances: The unique situation of your family and your specific constraints.

The nature of men: regular, simple, and dedicated.

The nature of women: nurturing, emotional, and seeking.

This is what you must be aware of. To have this knowledge is to be blessed with love and happiness; ignorance is suffering and divorce.²

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Before tackling life, you have to get your bearings. The five elements listed here cover self-evaluation and situational awareness. Understanding both gives you the foundation for a successful relationship. A solid conceptual background is indispensable, and it is best to learn as much as possible before you are in a difficult interpersonal situation..

Knowing the Tao of marriage means having a holistic sense of what works and what doesn’t and appreciating the true dynamism of a shared life. Idealistic people who anticipate a dream world of love and happiness suffer from the impossibility of aligning their fantasy with reality. Likewise, unromantic individuals who brace themselves for non-stop conflict generate abnormal difficulties for themselves because they do not have a realistic vision for their marriage. Marriage is not all beautiful or all distress, and a wholesome perspective prevents unhealthy assumptions. Those who know the Tao perceive marriage as a garden which blossoms with proper care.

The marriage’s context includes social conditioning and expectations, the legal reality, financial demands, work prospects, and realistic choices of where to live. The external situation limits your possibilities, but at the same time, it provides you with endless opportunities.

Your specific circumstances set you apart from your peers. You might have different insights into life, stronger finances, or a more interesting background. Or maybe you are worse off than others, socially clueless, and low on life experience. What about your spouse? How are they different from any other person you may have married? Everyone has their singular factors which give them unique advantages as well as personal challenges. A healthy awareness of your particular situation lets you make the most of it.

Knowing the nature of men and women will help you understand yourself and your spouse’s challenges in dealing with you. Sex is always the most prominent differentiator between people. Denying typical sexual traits takes away one of our most basic tools for understanding ourselves and others. Get comfortable acknowledging the bright and dark sides of both sexes, especially as they relate to you. Be realistic. Don’t avoid uncomfortable realities, because then you will never learn to deal with them. We are all good, all bad, the same in many respects, and different in other ways. We need to embrace it all.

There are seven measures on which you must compare yourself with your spouse. These are: (1) your virtues and vices, (2) your capabilities, (3) your endowments, (4) your personal discipline, (5) your health, (6) your experiences, (7) how cooperative you are.³

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hopefully, as a mature adult, you have insight into yourself, appreciate your value proposition, and have a general picture of how relationships grow and fall apart. And now you are married. You must learn your spouse’s temperaments and compare your different approaches.

There are seven aspects for comparison:

The moral behaviors which are meaningful to you and the vices that challenge you. Your sense of right and wrong and your ability to apply it in your life.

The skills you have learned. Your marketable expertise, professional training, social/emotional competence, and practical know-how around the house. Importantly, what relationship skills do you have, and what competences does your spouse have?

Your natural gifts from God. We all have our special abilities, and everyone else has their talents which we value. Your gift might be your charm, intellect, or health, to list just a few. What are your physical and mental endowments, and what is your mate blessed with? What gifts do you each wish you had?

How much self-control does each of you have? How much dedication to the cause? When you work with others, do you have the confidence to keep sight of your own life and goals?

How well are each of you, physically and mentally?

Relevant experiences. Is this your first relationship? If not, what insight did you gain from the previous relationships? Did you grow up in a stable family that showed you how to live effectively? If your parents failed, did you at least learn from observing their struggles?

Cooperation and responsiveness: Can you work together on shared ambitions? Are you able to prioritize your competing objectives? Does your spouse know how to respond positively when you do what they like? Do they constructively point out what bother them? Both of you will often have to reward (and punish) yourselves appropriately. Are you up to the task?

I only take advice from someone who respects my goals, and I must be confident that their opinions are sound. If they disregard my aspirations or do not know how to guide me, I will immediately cease to see them.⁴

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Marriage is hard, and we all need support along the way. When going for guidance, whether you go to a marriage counselor or to your community pastor or if you read a book, the people helping you need to be on your side. Don’t cede control over your marriage and your life. Never let them confuse or manipulate you.

Follow advice which makes sense to you and is compatible with your thinking. Make sure your mentors are developing your skill-set and your understanding. As long as they are contributing to your growth and the success of your marriage, work with them. As soon as they try to take control instead of working with you, let them go.

Before you marry, mentally prepare your expectations for dealing with common problems and your partner’s idiosyncrasies. But as you progress through life, adjust gracefully at every turn according to the changing circumstances. Have a plan, but don’t be a slave to your plan.⁵

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

While we try to anticipate what life may throw at us, our plans are mostly useless because life doesn’t play out as we expected. When people stick to their preconceptions without flexibility, their planning becomes a liability. They ruin their chances of success by following a program that isn’t delivering instead of adjusting to the reality they encounter.

The value in considering our options in advance is to give us the context we need to make decisions in real time. Planning forces us to consider our expectations, goals, and basic options. When life comes fast, we then have a reference to pivot as necessary. Our decisions should be dynamic, informed by our plan but never restricted by it.

For example, if a man gets married planning to buy his wife flowers often, he may find she is not into flowers. Or maybe she doesn’t want them all the time. She will surely not be impressed with an easy go-to bribe whenever there is trouble. The flower plan is not bad, but it will be disastrous if he ignores his wife’s responses and does not think about what else he can add to his repertoire.

If a wife marries with a fair expectation to dress nicely for her husband, she may find he doesn’t care much, or that it is too draining for her to keep up. She needs to pay attention to his interest and her energy levels, or she will have nothing for her efforts. On the other hand, if she marries without any thought of pleasing her husband, she will have a tricky task figuring it out while trying to get the relationship off the ground.

Let’s both make our best effort and all will be well, won’t cut it. Come with dedication and reasonable expectations, and build on that according to your particular experience.

Marriage is a thing of pretense; therefore, be discreet with your true feelings. If you desire closeness, pretend you feel distant, and when you seek more space, act needy. In love, show aloofness; when indifferent, profess your love. Bring your spouse to your way of thinking by asking for their advice. Be unpredictable but reliable, and earn their trust. When you are unsure of yourself, impress them with your confidence. Make them laugh, so they forget about their stresses. Profess to need them, so they feel valued. If they are trying too hard, let them exhaust themselves; if inflexible, require flexibility. Help your spouse where they need you most and when they don’t expect it. These are the secrets of the skilled lover, but you must not be transparent about them.⁶

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We all like to think that a committed relationship is where we can be open and authentic. Marriage is the last place where we want to pay constant attention to how we present ourselves to the other. The dream is nice, but the reality is that romance requires full oversight. Love will never flourish from the low energy of just being yourself, which is appropriate only when you live alone, and wish to spend the rest of your life alone.

Complex, long-term relationships require constantly synthesizing your current state and future goals and balancing them against your partner’s. In tense periods you need to compensate with a positive, reassuring vibe, and when all is smooth, some manufactured drama can prevent boredom and complacency.

When you are deeply in love, show some aloofness, so your partner does not take you for granted. (Please, keep it light and fun. Don’t ruin what you have.) When you are going through a rough spot, profess your love, so your spouse knows it is worth pulling through.

You cannot earn your partner’s trust by reassuring them you are there for them. Your protestations of support will leave them wondering what they can possibly expect from you. Instead, try to stay upbeat and positive when your spouse is stressed, providing a sense of stability. She should know from your attitude that you will carry through while keeping her comfortable.