Marriage Wars: How to win the war without losing the relationship

By Sherry Hale Humphrey-Jones

You may believe that you know the person with whom you are walking down the aisle, but do you know the person that he/she will become after the vows are spoken? What changes take place with the placement of rings? What are the critical issues that you might be facing that you had never addressed, or thought you had addressed?

For example: how will you handle money, friendships and family, children, hidden addictions, sex, and cheating? While not insurmountable, they can become overwhelming, and potential battlegrounds for the war that has so often become marriage.

Learning to navigate the battles, and choosing the right weaponry, can help you to win the war without destroying the relationship—or yourself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Sep 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9781398499812

Sherry Hale Humphrey-Jones

Dr Humphrey-Jones has over twenty years as a mental health counsellor, focusing on couples’ communication as well as working with couples coping with sexual and gambling addiction issues.  She has provided adjunct education to several colleges in Delaware in the areas of psychology and communication.  In addition, she has lectured all over the country in the areas of gambling addiction treatment and the effect on families.  Her books include Con Man, Crossing the Line: when gamblers turn to crime, The Last Call: a family’s battle with alcoholism, and Paradox.

Book preview

About the Author

Dr Humphrey-Jones has over twenty years as a mental health counsellor, focusing on couples’ communication as well as working with couples coping with sexual and gambling addiction issues. She has provided adjunct education to several colleges in Delaware in the areas of psychology and communication. In addition, she has lectured all over the country in the areas of gambling addiction treatment and the effect on families. Her books include Con Man, Crossing the Line: when gamblers turn to crime, The Last Call: a family’s battle with alcoholism, and Paradox.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all the couples who have shared their pain and managed to overcome their marriage battles.

Copyright Information ©

Sherry Hale Humphrey-Jones 2023

The right of Sherry Hale Humphrey-Jones to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398499805 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398499812 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

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Introduction

Wars are fought over many things, often religious beliefs and economic resources, etc. Over three trillion dollars and many lost lives were wasted on a war over weapons of mass destruction that never existed. What was it really about? We will probably never know for certain.

Marriage wars are often fought over issues that may have little to do with the stated concerns. In order to truly understand how to win a war without destroying the relationship in the process, we must first determine what exactly we are fighting for. What do we want? What do we hope to gain? And, most important, is it worth the battle?

Over my many years of practice as a mental health counsellor, I discovered that I learned the most from listening to my clients’ issues, particularly the ways in which they managed their differences. Very early in my career, I realised that communication was a critical key to relationships. Consequently, after obtaining a master’s in counselling psychology, I obtained a second master’s degree in communication, specialising in conflict management. When I finally managed to make it to my doctoral studies, I designed a program that incorporated family relationships, psychology and communication. This has been the foundation upon which I focused my counselling practice.

Marriage Wars is not based on any scientific research, nor is it designed to be read by professionals as a text. Marriage Wars is a culmination of over 30 years of listening to couples and individuals, combined with my own personal mistakes—of which I have made many.

Case references are composites of actual experiences, but no specific couple or individual is described, and all names and examples have been changed and modified so as not to refer to any one couple or individual. Any resemblance to a specific individual or couple is entirely coincidental.

Marriage Wars is broken into seven parts: Marriage Wars, Battle Cries, Battlegrounds, Obstacles, Battle Strategies, Cease Fire and Rules of Engagement.

According to Sun Tzu’s Art of War, winning without fighting is the key to any successful conflict. While conflict is inevitable, it is best to mobilise that conflict toward growth and constructive change rather than the devastation that can easily occur.

I hope you will enjoy this work. Most of all, I hope you will learn how to win without creating pain.

To win without fighting is the best

art of war.

Sun Tzu

Prologue

Carla and Jim gazed at each other across the table. It was their first breakfast together as man and wife. Carla smiled as Jim covered his eggs with ketchup.

How cute! Jim thought the way Carla broke her food into tiny bits was so adorable.

Carla and Jim were experiencing the mystery and joy of differences, each appreciating the other’s idiosyncrasies and finding them endearing. In less than six months, however, those differences quickly became annoyances and constant thorns to be plucked at regularly.

However, it is not just the small variations in habit but the more deeply ingrained ways of looking at and coping with the world that creates conflict among men and women. Yes, men and women are different. Get used to it. We are not just socialised differently; we are hardwired in completely different systems.

Some specific differences have been found regarding traits related to social connectedness versus individuality and autonomy, with women scoring higher on the first and men on the second (Gilligan, 1982, Feingold, 1994).

Women tend to utilise both sides of their brains, are more capable with multitasking and emphasise the language skills of the left brain more than men. Men have a tendency to be more focused on visual stimuli. In addition, men generally concentrate on one thing at a time, whereas women incorporate a wide variety of information at once.

It is obvious that individuals who perceive the world differently will communicate with varying styles. In order for the two opposite styles to communicate effectively, they need to understand each other better and appreciate the differences without perceiving them as threats.

Marriage Wars begin the moment the differences cease to be endearing and start to create tension and insecurity. We are going to look at some of the common variations and possible solutions to the ageless battle between the sexes.

Needless to say, not everyone falls into a well-defined gender stereotype. Much of what will be referred to is a generalisation and will