Building Your Marriage

By Peter Lumba

Social changes have made marriage a bit demanding in regard to the emotional gratification that is sought, the companionship and fairness that is desired, and the strong feeling many couples have that they ought to remain soul mates. One thing that has raised the marriage bar is the changing roles of both men and women. Find out why a few modern marriages will end too soon while many will last.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Peter Lumba
• Release date: Mar 31, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311225917

Peter Lumba

The author runs a Public Benefit Organization (PBO) for disadvantaged children. Has special interest in youth development, especially teenagers.

Book preview

Building Your Marriage

By Peter Lumba

Published at Smashwords by Peter Lumba

Copyright 2014 Peter Lumba

ISBN: 9781311225917

This ebook is only licensed for your use. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. It may not be re-sold or repackaged in any other form without an express permission from the author. If you are reading this book without having purchased it you are violating the author’s rights. Kindly purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTIOIN

CHAPTER ONE: THE FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE

Love That Builds Marriage

Trust, Integrity and Knowledge

Time And Resources

CHAPTER TWO: THE WAR OF SUPREMACY

The Desire To Dominate Your Spouse

War Between Culture And Women Lib Movements

Have ‘Women Sex Objects’ Finally Turned Men To ‘Mere Sperm Donors’?

Does Cunningness And Deception Help In Marriage?

CHAPTER THREE: WHO SHOULD CALL THE SHOTS?

What Held Together Marriages Of Yore?

How Wrong Interpretation Of The Scriptures Has Undermined Marriage

How A Husband Can Win His Wife’s Trust

How A Wife Can Win Her Husband’s Trust

Providing Leadership

CHAPTER FOUR: WHAT ARE YOUR VALUE BELIEFS?

Are There Naturally Compatible Mates?

The Importance Of Courtship

What is Your ‘Prime Common Goal’ As A Married Couple?

What Determines How Happy You Will Be In Marriage?

CHAPTER FIVE: CHOICE OF MATE

What Influences Your Choice Of Mate?

What Influences Daily Decisions In Marriage?

Can You Change Your Partner’s Character After The Wedding?

When Is The Right Time To Start Making Common Goals?

How Can You Win Your Spouse’s Cooperation In Family Finances?

Toxic Barriers That Stand Between Unhappy Married Couples

CHAPTER SIX: COMMUNICATION

Why Men And Women Communicate Differently

When Does Communication Fail?

When The Shadow Sets In

CHAPTER SEVEN: HANDLING CONFLICTS

Major Causes Of Conflict In Marriage

Tips On Resolving Conflicts

CHAPTER EIGHT: SEX

Sex Has It’s Place Other Than Procreation

Why Are Wives Increasingly Denying Their husbands Sex?

What Determines The Quality Of Sex You Get From Your Wife?

Factors Likely To Interfere With Established Sex Patterns

Quantity or Quality Sex

Is Sex Always Under The Cover Of Darkness Okay?

Men’s Likes And Hates

Women’s Likes And Hates?

CHAPTER NINE: A PASSIONATE MARRIAGE

Passion Dies With Hope

Indicators Of A Passionate Relationship

Why Information Should be Shared Constantly

Case I (true story)

CHAPTER TEN: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Does Violence Correct Bad behaviour?

Case II (true story)

CHAPTER ELEVEN: MOTHER-IN-LAW

Mother’s Boy

What Are The Mother In Law’s Concerns?

How Should A Wife Handle Her Mother-In-Law?

CHAPTER TWELVE: FAMILY FINANCES AND PROPERTY

The Family Budget

Who Should Control The Family Budget?

The Place Of Women Empowerment

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: HOW A MARRIAGE NORMALLY DIES

The ‘Dying’ Phases

Early Indicators Of Trouble Ahead.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: MARRIAGE NEEDS WISDOM

Being Wise Is Not The Same As Being Clever.

The Place Of Apology and Forgiveness

Are Our Intentions Sometimes Misconstrued?

Minding Each Other’s Welfare

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE FAMILY BACKGROUND OF YOUR MATE

Firstborns, Middle Children, Lastborns And ‘Only Child’

Children Brought Up In Abusive Families

Girls Brought Up By Disgruntled Mothers

Boys Brought Up By Authoritarian Fathers

SUMMARY:TEN THINGS THAT WILL HELP SUSTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE

INTRODUCTIOIN

All over the world, the meaning and purpose of marriage is changing. Its function is changing from that of traditional roles to that of fulfilling emotional and psychological needs. Men were traditionally supposed to be strong, competent, unemotional, problem-solvers, good providers and protectors. A man’s relationship with his wife was believed to be plain, undemanding and entirely physical. Women were supposed to be good cooks, baby sitters, housekeepers, nurturing, social and religious. As long as each played their expected roles, the marriage relationship was smooth.

But with the technological advancement, women liberation movements, increased education among women; these roles are changing fast. Women are doing virtually everything the men have been doing. Since both sexes are equally able to perform nearly all of the tasks required in a marriage, dependence on the other person is declining. The issue of the number of children a woman should have is no longer solely dependent on man. Today women can choose to have children or not and can have children without husbands too. Both sexes are slowly adapting to this new dispensation and many are happily married.

If you are newly married or you are about to get married, do not be discouraged by the statistics of divorce that show fifty percent (50%) of all married couples are going to be divorced. Every marriage is as unique as the married couples. May be you know one or two couples who have divorced but you also know others whom you can say have made it. Granted, many standing marriages are not happy ones, but we all hope to beat the odds as we sign the marriage certificate. What is it that changes? Why does this ‘perfect’ person suddenly become ‘imperfect’? Marrying at older ages as it is happening today and learning problem solving skills reduces the chances of divorce. Couples also become aware of not only the things that could work against their marriage but also those that work for their marriage.

But then, are the standing marriages standing because couples are applying this knowledge or because they are just tolerating each other? Any survey would show the latter is true. Children and fear of the disgrace associated with divorce continue to hold unhappy marriages together. What is it that changes between two people who were madly in love to alienate themselves from each other?

Can you live with the fact that your ‘perfect’ mate CANNOT meet ALL your needs ALL the time? Do you TRULY care about your mate’s needs? If your answers to these two questions are ‘YES’, you are starting on the right footing. Something else: Notwithstanding our best intentions, most humans are selfish by nature, with masked selfish needs. But with time, reality hits the marriage.

While the challenges are many, modern marriages promise to be more fulfilling to both partners than those of yore. Certainly social changes have made marriage a bit complex in regard to the emotional gratification that is sought, the companionship and fairness that is desired, and the strong feeling many couples have that they ought to remain soul mates. One thing that has raised the marriage bar is the changing roles of both sexes. Truly, the modern woman and the modern man have become more sophisticated compared to earlier generations. Thus awareness of social shifts and understanding your mate are necessary in building an emotionally fulfilling union.

CHAPTER ONE

THE FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE

Love That Builds Marriage

You cannot possibly imagine a healthy marriage without love. Love is the cornerstone of every successful marriage. The love that builds a marriage comes naturally. A natural love is true, emotional, spontaneous, unpretentious, genuine, sincere, unaffected and open. Forced love eventually fails. A natural love is also kind, caring, patient, trusting, forgiving, sharing and sacrificial. It does not seek good for the giver but rather for the receiver. This is the love that makes a man and a woman naturally desire to live together as soul mates, trust each other, care for each other, protect each other and give the best of themselves. It is this love that builds and sustains a marriage. If all we do is take, eventually our partner will run out of patience and stop giving or continue to give without emotional attachment. If we want our mate to learn our love