Preparing for Marriage: Love, Courtship, and Wedding Are Not Enough

By Ndungu Mungai

Preparing for Marriage: Love, Courtship, and Wedding Are Not Enough is a guidebook for single adults and engaged couples planning to get married and develop a happy and fulfilling marriage. In its pages, the author:

• Highlight 20 things a man or woman needs to know and have before moving to marriage beyond the universally recommended requirements of love, courtship, and a wedding ceremony.
• Answer questions young people ask themselves regarding the right way of preparing for marriage, attracting the right partner, having sex before marriage, and developing a happy and long-term marital relationship.
• Focus on personal habits, behaviors, and practices that can make or break love and courtship, call off the wedding, and invite unhappiness, domestic violence, or divorce after marriage.
• Provide well-proven and time-tested facts showing a happy and sexually fulfilling marriage is possible if the person takes time to undertake holistic preparations long before thinking of getting a spouse, planning for a wedding, and moving into marriage.
• Offer tips not commonly given to young people by parents, guardians, educators, youth organizations, dating websites, relationship counselors, social scientists, religious leaders, and governmental agencies on the issue of getting married.

The book seeks to help teens, young adults, and middle-aged people avoid creating hell in their lives and future marriages.

 

It is a book you should read before falling in love, moving to the courtship stage, and committing to a long-term marital relationship!

 

Get your copy now to save yourself from the harmful effects of a poor marriage that includes: stress-related diseases, painful and expensive divorce, domestic abuse, spousal killing, and suicidal thoughts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ndungu Mungai
• Release date: Jun 22, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201591694

Ndungu Mungai

Ndungu Mungai is a motivational speaker, social commentator, and relationships counselor based in Limuru, Kenya. He speaks and writes on issues of interest and concern to the human family, particularly love, courtship, marriage, parenting, religion, and sex. He started his preaching and counseling ministry in 1988 and has addressed several youth meetings and couples' seminars. He has been a guest speaker in countless church services, annual conventions, weekly meetings, and Bible study seminars. He has also addressed many public and private functions, including wedding ceremonies, family events, group meetings, community gatherings, and funeral services. He has also been invited to several educational institutions to talk with students or parents or address special parents/students/teachers' meetings or get-together events. He has in the past decade published thousands of articles on social media platforms that have been read and shared by millions of people around the world. His Facebook page, Relationships Counselor, reaches thousands of people every week with posts helpful to men and women of all ages and backgrounds.

Book preview

Introduction: Truth About Love

Is love the only thing a man and woman need to start living together? Should a couple move to marriage simply because they have fallen in love? Does a strong feeling of fondness between two members of the opposite sex qualify them to enter into a long-term relationship?

Most young men and women will answer the above questions in the affirmative because they price love highly. But older men and women already in marriage might point to several other requirements. Their list of things required for getting married might surprise a young man and woman preparing to establish a permanent union with each other.

Love is an essential requirement for the formation and maintenance of a relationship. Without love, a marriage cannot work. No human relationship can survive for a year or decade if affection is absent!

What love cannot do

But on its own, love cannot create a stress-free, divorce-proof, and long-term marital union because its existence and duty are dependent on many other things. Love has specific limitations many individuals have not been able to discover. My audiences are often surprised when I, for instance, outline various things love requires from a man and woman to serve them. One of the lessons I teach upcoming and married couples describes the seven types of foods true love needs to make a marital relationship successful. But that is a story for another day!

I here compare love to a fruit that has to be produced by a tree that produces leaves, twigs, branches, trunk, and roots that receives essential nutrients, water, air, and sunshine from the ground and the atmosphere. Fruit cannot, for instance, grow from a tree that has no roots, branches, or leaves. Love behaves the same way. It cannot sprout in a relationship lacking more than a dozen elements it needs to survive.

Love, sad to say, cannot put food on the table, produce clothes, provide health care, take the children to school, or pay rent and other bills for any family. It is often a year or two into their relationship most couples note many things they should have accomplished long before they married. That is after the things they ignored to undertake in their teenage and early adult years start destroying their love for each other and creating never-ending tensions and conflicts. 

Love is also like a good engine which can be useless to the owner if it is not attached to four wheels or if he lacks the financial ability to fuel the vehicle or other type of machine. The engine can also be useless to the owner if not connected to a chassis, a braking system, and a body. Now think of a couple who have love but lack almost everything else that can make their marriage stand or be happy.

Love is blind

The common saying that love is blind is almost always true for most men and women who claim to be in love with each other. Most individuals are often oblivious of realities that will destroy their relationship sooner or later. They are often ignorant or hardly aware of personal shortcomings, addictions, and inclinations that can undermine their relationship and endanger their mental, physical, and sexual health.

Blind love can also be like a blind driver or pilot entrusted with the safe travel of other men and women. You know what can happen to him and the people he seeks to drive or fly to their destination. Most poorly wed and divorced men and women blame their initial love for having blinded their minds from dealing with their flaws and undertaking other critical measures before moving in with their mates. They also blame the strong affection that drove them to their partners for having blinded their eyes to red flags in their dating and courtship periods that could trouble or destroy their future marital relationship.

Most couples say they would not repeat the same mistake if they had an opportunity to start life over again. They list several things they would do and measures they could undertake before allowing themselves to fall in love with a man or woman. They claim they would not permit affection to blind their minds to the things that matter in creating a long-term marital relationship, including examining the vision, character, and abilities of the member of the opposite gender their heart would pull their way. They say genuine love should not exclude or overlook rational thinking and years of preparation before getting into a marital relationship with any member of the opposite sex.

Love also cannot prevent a relationship from being frustrated or destroyed by challenges and difficulties that can only be solved, minimized, or halted by educational, monetary, physical, mental, or material requirements and obligations. Illiteracy, joblessness, lack of skills, and poor work ethics can, for instance, gang up against love and send it to the four corners of the earth, never to be seen, heard, or felt again. That point is, for instance, more clearly affirmed by the saying: When poverty enters through the door, love goes out through the window.

Love can wither and die!

Though love is a great thing, it is so vulnerable as to be easily and quickly damaged by the behaviors, practices, and thinking patterns of one mate or both partners. Love never survived or thrived in households where bad behavior existed. Love is never pleased with men and women who engage in immoral or wicked practices, including casual sexual relations, abusing mind-altering substances, or spewing insults and vitriol.

Another sad fact about love is that though it is sweet, it cannot stand or grow in a house run by persons who were not well prepared for a marital relationship. The stupid thing with love is that it demands that a man and woman have the right mindset, behavior, skills, and health if they wish to develop a happy, fulfilling, and long-term relationship. Love is so arrogant that it often refuses to exist or operate satisfyingly in homes that lack adequate finances and material resources.

That shows that men and women need more than love to get into a marital union. They ought to have learned or acquired some of the requirements for marriage in their childhood, teenage, or early single adult years. If love is a tiny seed or plant in the garden that has to be watered, nourished, and protected, then the man and woman ought to individually have the knowledge, skills, and tools for such kind of work in their union. Research and conventional wisdom have shown that love should only be allowed to develop and flourish after an individual has fulfilled several things long before entering into a relationship with another man or woman.

Love cannot only wither and die but can also become cold (Matthew 24:12). Many relationships tend to be based on or sustained by cold-blooded love. There is always a cold war or conflict between man and woman, more like the one involving America and Russia in the second half of the 20th century. There is no warmth and affection between the mates but cold interactions.

Marriage requires more than love!

Choosing to love a person when your life is not in order is not wise because things you have not been able to accomplish will cause never-ending tensions and conflicts in your relationship. Our world is replete with failed relationships involving individuals who became engaged and intimate without taking crucial measures in their single adult years. All the divorces we hear about occur to men and women who once loved each other but were blind to requirements that assure success in marital relationships.

The ancient but up-to-date book called the Bible mentions a young woman who knew the folly of falling in love at the wrong time. She warned her colleagues not to stir, awaken, or arouse love until the right, appropriate, or proper time (Song of Solomon 2:7, New Living Translation, NLT; Holman Christian Standard Bible, HCSB; International Standard Version, ISV). Another writer of that sacred book noted there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). We can add that there is a time to prepare oneself, time to love, and time to get married.

After falling in love, most young couples proceed to the courtship stage and finally to a wedding ceremony thinking the two processes will ensure success in their upcoming marital relationship. But it is often a few weeks, months, or years when such persons note that a successful courtship and wedding do not translate into a happy marriage. Far into their old age and after many tribulations in their lives and relationships, such people might concede that the three elements cannot stand up against the consequences of other fundamental requirements.

Causes of widespread failure of marital relationships

That many marriages are falling is not a farfetched claim or observation. What is not said is that most of them started with great love, courtship, and colorful weddings. Most neighborhoods in the world are teeming with once-happy, caring, and romantic men and women who now experience irreconcilable differences or never-ending tensions, conflicts, and abuse in their marital relationships. Societies, organizations, and religions ask why marriages inspired by love, a successful courtship, and wedding experience all manner of problems and eventual breakup.

The sad truth is that most men and women who get into short or long-term relationships fail to undertake several steps long before they get intimate or move in with each other. That explains why most boy/girl relationships do not survive the dating or courtship stage. Cheating, arguments, suspicions, and fighting are common among many couples a few weeks after the beginning of the relationship or a few weeks before the wedding. Most relationships involving single adults often see initial love, care, and romance give way to anger, hatred, abuse, breakup, or murder.

That should tell you that you need to acquire knowledge, skills, and behavior that can make a marriage work long before you can go out to find a partner or move in with the man or woman of your dreams. And it should never escape your mind that being in love does not mean you and your future partner have all it takes to drive or pilot your marriage. Equally worth understanding is that preparing for the wedding when other things in your life are not in order is an exercise in futility.

The message in this book

This book discloses the many things you need to do before you can proceed to love a man or woman and set up a relationship. It discusses issues that can destroy your future marriage if not dealt with or taken care of long before you decide to find a spouse. By the end of the last page, you will have noticed that love, courtship, and wedding are some of the many elements required to create a happy, fulfilling, and life-long union. You will have also noticed that the three are the last, and not the first steps, to marriage.

Right now, it would be wise to restrain yourself from falling in love with any person until you have worked on some areas of your life, body, mind, and soul. A holistic preparation is essential to shield you and your future spouse from marital problems that can create mental, physical, or sexual health disorders, including stress, anxiety, depression, insanity, suicide, diabetes, hypertension, stroke, heart attack, or sexual dysfunction. The book contains testimonies of several men and women whose lives and relationships collapsed or faced problems and challenges because of ignorance of what it takes to create an enjoyable and enduring marital union.

Remember the ancient proverb: more haste, less speed. In case you have never heard of it or have forgotten, the idiom means doing things in a hurry, without due diligence and care, creating mistakes that slow down a person. That means you should take time to lay a firm foundation for your life and future relationship. If not, you will end up with a marriage that will slow down your life or enhance your speed to an early demise through self-inflicted suicide, spousal killing, or stress-related ailment, including hypertension, diabetes, stroke, cancer, or heart attack.

This book is for single adults who dream of a sweet, stable, and till-death relationship in a world dominated by increasing marital tensions, conflicts, divorces, suicides, and spousal killings. The author highlights the various things, behaviors, and practices a man or woman needs to have or leave behind if he or she wishes to have a successful life with a future husband or wife. He provides well-proven and time-tested facts and research showing a mentally, physically, and sexually fulfilling marriage is possible for any member of the opposite sex who undertakes holistic preparations long before thinking of getting a spouse, planning for a wedding, and moving into marriage.

1. Religious Behaviors You Should Avoid Before Looking for a Partner

The truth about religion is that it is both good and bad. History shows religion can be for the good of society or negative achievements such as war. Unknown to most people is that religion can create successful or troubled relationships between persons of the opposite sex.

Societies professing one or several forms of religion are experiencing a wide range of problems. Most of them have social-economic difficulties that affect the peaceful existence of their people. Casual and long-term relationships are, for instance, in trouble in lands professing religions and ways of life such as Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Zoroastrianism, and Confucianism.

Marriage failure in India

The great subcontinent of India, with its Hindu majority, is experiencing an unprecedented deterioration of family relations, though the divorce rate remains low. Though religious restrictions and civil laws favoring women prevent men from dissolving their marriages, it does not mean most husbands are happy with their wives. The negative way society looks at divorced women makes most wives remain in their marital relationships. 

Marriage failure in Nigeria

Nigerians do not discuss the state of their marriages even when things are wrong. The result is a prevalence of couples not willing to break up because of the negative way society views divorce. Domestic abuse, unresolved conflicts, and infidelity are widespread problems in most homes in that nation where Christianity and Islam are the dominant religions.

Marriage failure in the United States

The over 320 million people living in the United States subscribe to several religious, cultural, and ideological persuasions whose effects on life and relationships are minimal, non-existent, or counterproductive. No one knows whether the country will ever return to its early 20th-century state of more marriages and fewer divorces. Broken short and long-term relationships are the order of the day throughout the land in this 21st century.

Start preparing for a successful marital relationship!

Regardless of what is happening to couples in the United States, Nigeria, India, and other parts of the world, a relationship with your future spouse can succeed and be a blessing. You only need to start avoiding habits and practices that can cause future problems. Briefly mentioned here are religious behaviors you should avoid before marriage:

Engaging in religious wars

The first religious behavior you should avoid before marriage is taking part in religious conflicts. Religions often fight over issues of ideology, supremacy, or resources. Opposing groups often say they are fighting for truth, justice, fairness, equity, accountability, and progress or on behalf of a deity angry at wrongs committed by some individuals, agencies, or movements.

Conflicts leave some people with serious wounds or dead. They also leave behind persons with broken lives and families not knowing how to rebuild their lives. Men and women involved in violence lose chances of living with individuals they had planned to wed or engage in wickedness that negatively affects their lives, including putting them behind bars or making them targets of persons or groups intent on punishing them.

Supporting political conflicts

The second religious behavior you should avoid before marriage involves supporting political conflicts. Religious movements take sides in protests or campaigns instigated, fueled, or sponsored by political forces without considering the suffering their men, women, and children would endure. Political violence often leaves individuals, groups, or societies involved unable to be at peace with themselves.

Political struggles often leave many religious and non-religious people wounded or dead. People who engage in political violence end up with broken lives and relationships. Studies show men and women involved in violent combat get mental problems that inspire them to commit suicide, abuse alcohol or drugs, and assault other people, including their married or unmarried partners. Persons involved in conflicts of whatever nature are also targets of individuals, groups, or authorities offended by their actions during the crisis period.

Indulging in traditional practices

The third religious behavior you should avoid before you move to marriage involves indulging in traditional practices. The role of true religion should be to redeem people from deplorable practices and show them a better way of life. But most religious movements sanction harm-producing traditions and customs among their people.

Most traditional customs and practices leave people with problems that damage their dreams, health, and relationships. That is more so because most of those parties, festivals, rites, and ceremonies promote licentious themes, gluttonous eating, and abuse of alcohol. Such occasions leave participants with health problems, unwanted pregnancies, and broken relationships.

Embracing religious bigotry

The fourth religious behavior you should avoid before marriage involves embracing religious bigotry. The belief that only your religious movement is the right one blinds the eyes and veils the mind from seeing the good in other people outside your circle, some of whom can be a blessing to your life. If