Meant to Last Together: Shift Your Life Course Toward a Happier and More Fulfilling Relationship for Many Years to Come

By Maritza Montano PhD

Most of us want to find someone who cares about us, treats us well, and is willing to commit. Unfortunately, many of us leave out a crucial step to ensuring we find a long-lasting, healthy relationship with someone who accepts us unconditionally: the step of self-discovery and self-love. We cannot expect from another, what we are uncapable to give ourselves. Maritza Montano, PhD, relies on wisdom gleaned over years of study, her professional counseling practice, and personal experiences to share a roadmap and self-help tools intended to guide others to discover, accept, and value themselves before becoming wrapped up in the wrong relationship. Meant to Last Together is a comprehensive guide that shares tools and personal experiences tailored to help others shift their life course toward building happy, healthy, and strong relationships.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Sep 4, 2018
• ISBN: 9781483488752

Book preview

PHD.

Copyright © 2018 Maritza Montano, Phd.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

Scripture quotations marked (RSV) are from Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-8874-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-8876-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-8875-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018908479

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 08/21/2018

Preface

Meant to Last Together is intended to help you discover, accept, and value yourself before you get wrapped up in the wrong relationship. The content of this book is designed to help you find and stay with the right partner or mate by creating a successful relationship that is meant to last together. It introduces you to a self-discovery journey. The author presents an alternative view regarding your potential mate in maintaining a good relationship, thereby helping you find the positive and negative traits or behaviors of your potential mate or actual partner. It illustrates simple-to-follow steps to help you identify your own, as well as your partner’s, inner strengths and weakness. The main objective is to shift your life’s course toward a happier and more fulfilling relationship for many years to come.

The goal of this book is to help you appreciate yourself and others in a mission to share your life with someone who connects with you in positive way and is dedicated to creating a trusting and committed relationship together. Finding someone who cares about you and is willing to commit to you is unique and powerful. This is why it is crucial to create the right bond by exploring what is important for you first. Your needs must be fulfilled so you can build a healthy relationship with your mate. You must also look at the emotional and psychological barriers or physical limitations to improving your perspective and discover what you want in your relationship. This book will give you a view into various personalities, patterns, and character differences of your current or potential mate, partner, or spouse.

You will begin to understand how to appreciate yourself, including your partner’s personality dynamics, and unleash your negative past experiences. You will also embrace your reality by trusting your instincts. Explore various characteristics and behaviors about yourself and your mate with the expectation of enhancing your perspective, thereby connecting with each other to form a strong and lasting bond. You will expand your knowledge, gain insight, and discover new coping strategies. You will become more aware of the trials of having a difficult relationship while managing the challenges and issues at hand.

Answers await you to those questions regarding psychological, mental, emotional, and physical limitations that impact your relationship. In this book, various personality disorders are highlighted in a brief and practical way to help you identify what they represent. Caution is given, in case you are involved or encounter any of the toxic or maladaptive behaviors in your relationship. You will also have an opportunity to compare and decide whether you are in a healthy relationship. You will explore options by reading similar case scenarios. Spot and recognize the differences between these personality styles or issues, and decide what to do:

dependency, codependency

psychological, emotional, or physical abuse; alcohol abuse

intimate partner violence (IPV); narcissistic personality

sadomasochist personality disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD)

obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCD)

jealousy, infidelity, unfaithfulness, cheating issues

managing money, finances

intimacy, sexual dysfunction, sexually transmitted disease (STD)

sexual desire, low libido, disability, physical changes

illness of your partner, coping with loss, death of your partner

ageless love, young or mature image versus chronological age

online dating—options and how you can begin your search

No one is perfect or flawless. Therefore, it is up to you and your partner to make the relationship last.

Nevertheless, you may encounter some disappointments along the way. I strongly suggest that you explore your options by staying optimistic. Use simple strategies to improve the situation and commit to making it last.

Have you ever wondered what could happen to you if you shifted your outlook and stayed with your partner? After you absorb the information, you will be able to determine what you want to do. Shift your view by giving your relationship another chance, get help, or break loose and let go. Every relationship is unique. It takes commitment and devotion to make it last together.

As you grow and learn different lessons in life, you learn to hold back because you are afraid to get hurt. This may work in some cases, but to close yourself to the possibility will hurt you even more. Think about the many adventures and instances when you attempted to do something risky and fun, and you indeed followed your heart to do it. You may remember how dangerous it felt or how much fun you had while doing it. You know that if you had not attempted it, you would have missed out on those challenges and opportunities, which could have led to regrets later. When you looked back, you would have wondered, what could have resulted if you had done it or taken the chance?

This applies to many areas of your life: career, job, relationships, and so forth. Having a fervent desire and conviction is encouraging. Letting yourself feel free and open could be a wonderful decision that will benefit you and others in the journey of life. For this reason, I emphasize the lasting together subject. If you want to discover and open the door in your life to become more successful in securing a healthy relationship, then this is the right book for you.

This book is for any adult who feels young or not, regardless of your age. It includes you because it does not discriminate on age or gender. It is a universal book about relationships, even when your life is challenged by obstacles or issues. Whether you are contemplating having a new relationship or unleashing the current one, you will enjoy, reflect, and uncover some individual and interpersonal issues or trials affecting your ability to maintain a healthy bond with someone. I challenge you to explore and answer the self-discovery and self-exploration questions. You can apply the tips and suggestions to maintain a healthy life with your mate. It is valuable for you and your mate or partner to take the journey of finding and or maintaining a lasting relationship together. This book is a comprehensive, easy guide to assist you in choosing the right path. It will facilitate discovery and exploration to foster a healthy and strong relationship. The intention is to open your heart and embrace a relationship that is meant to last together.

If you have a true yearning for a lasting relationship or want to find one, then you have picked up the right book. This book is designed to provide you with numerous tools to help you start creating a new vision of life with a mate who returns the commitment and respect that you have created for yourself. You will read about some of my own trials, including personal life stories. I have modified and presented case scenarios to protect my clients from being exposed. The cases that are illustrated are fabricated and fictitious for you to distinguish the different relationship dynamics. They use fictitious characters to illustrate various characteristics of different behaviors for comparison. The names and characters are not real.

When you accept yourself, you will attract positive people in your life. Love will find you having an ultimate experience, which will be valuable in your life. Moreover, it will make a significant difference in how you feel regarding yourself and your partner.

Your intimate experiences will shape you. Your attitude will be transformed to positive as you learn new life lessons. Love is a choice. Only when you consider true happiness will it be achieved.

My intention is for you to enjoy a blessed and fruitful life with someone with whom you choose to be, thereby creating a harmonious bond to enrich your relationship. This creates the ultimate union that is meant to last together.

Acknowledgments

With sincere love in memory of my dear dad, Gerardo Chavez, who was my biggest mentor. He was my inspiration to help others and to become an educated professional. He encouraged me to grow and to challenge myself through life. He enjoyed helping others also. He mentored me to be kind and to give back to the needy. He inspired me to become independent and to obtain a career.

With honor to my dear mother, Adelaida Florentina, for standing by my side during my successes and failures. She is seventy-seven years old and continues to be nurturing, loving, and supportive. She coaches me to be a strong woman and not to give up in life. After my dad’s death, she became more influential because she continued to laugh and stay positive. My respect to my dear sister, Maria De Los Angeles, for always encouraging me to push myself to the limit. She believes in me and is very proud of my accomplishments. I see her as a reflection of an angel in my life. She is my ally. To my brother, Reinaldo, who always stands behind me and supports me while standing strong and shielding me against any forces that may weaken me. I love his unique sense of humor and his lively spirit. To his wife, Aime, who kept asking me, When are you finishing that book? Also to my nephews, Gerry and Joey, for being family oriented, caring, and understanding.

I devote this book to my son and daughter, Jorge Jose, or JJ, and Christine Melissa, or Christy, for trusting me and accepting me as I am. My son and his wife, Kristine, have blessed me with a beautiful grandson, Roman, and a precious granddaughter, Karolina Sophia. My daughter, Christy, is my biggest fan. She is a carbon copy of what I represent. I know I can always count on her to support my dreams and ideas.

In memory of my loving husband, Osvaldo A. Montano (Ozzie), whom I respect and was married to for almost twenty-four years. He was very instrumental in encouraging me to write. His wish was for me to take my professional experience to the next level by publishing a book. He wanted me to shine and to shed light into other people’s lives by sharing my knowledge. He trusted me until the end of his days.

My greatest admiration to my wise and humble friend Arelys Jones for having a positive outlook and giving me hope and encouragement. I also pledge my writing to my loyal friend and colleague Iris Pitaluga. I am grateful to her for supporting my career goals and for helping me achieve success in many areas of my life.

Gratitude to Michelle, my executive assistant, for taking time to read and adapt the manuscript numerous times without resistance. She is very patient with me. And to Arlene Diaz, an insightful and smart colleague and friend, for cheering me up and organizing the book’s content.

I would like to thank all my clients for their loyalty and for giving value to the mental health profession. Last, to my dear friends Liliam M. Lopez, President of the SFLHCC, Patti Hernandez, Jill Shockett, Benylda Nya, Ileana Suarez, Virginia Sotomayor, Dr. Maria Christina Regueiro, Rachel Tougerman, and Victoria Gray for their support and friendship.

Introduction

A few years ago, I decided to write this book about relationships. I wanted to share my professional knowledge and personal life experiences with a vast number of people, not just my clients, because I feel that I am indebted to create a positive impact on people’s lives by sharing my experiences and knowledge. Thus, I am fulfilling the ultimate commitment to those who have asked me to write a book.

My personal conviction and desire to help others has consumed most of my time. In the previous years, I spent endless hours working and seeing various clients face to face in my private practice. I wrote several articles in local newspapers and magazines, but I was limited in my expression and creativity.

It wasn’t until my life took a major turn and I lost my dad that things changed. He died during an elective open-heart surgery in August 2006. It was a shock for me because he had not complained about his health. He entered the hospital cracking jokes with the nurses and was in great spirits about the surgery. I felt that I had to be the strong one. I have always felt that way about any life circumstances. I tend to cover up my emotions and not show them to the outside world.

Losing my dad was an overwhelming experience for me. It was the first time that I had lost someone close to me. My dad was close to seventy. I grieved his death gradually. I was faced by intense despair, sadness, and heartache. Even though I felt empty inside, I continued to stay busy. I continued to work endless hours. It was the best way I knew to keep myself from feeling sad.

A year later, my grief helped me to start writing. Sometimes I wrote about my professional challenges and the influence I have on people as a psychotherapist. I also struggled with my own sadness because I felt vulnerable inside. I fought with my inner self and refused to show any vulnerability or weakness because I was afraid that it could impact my professional ability. I suppressed and covered up my own emotions to appear strong. I discovered that it was the best alternative for me because it prevented me from feeling sad. I focused on maintaining a positive attitude instead and increased my spiritual connection. It allowed me to have recollections of many pleasant and unpleasant childhood memories. It encouraged me to open my heart and mind. It gave me an unclouded vision to write. I reflected on the beautiful memories of my dad. I admired him tremendously. He was humble and compassionate. He was very astute. Even though he did not have a formal scholastic education, he possessed a lot of common sense. He was also very optimistic, funny, and industrious. He valued his family and was dedicated to his work. He used to tell me that the days were too short as he did not have enough time to complete everything he wanted to do. My dad was also a risk taker, a businessman, an inventor, and a skilled craftsman. He was an expert in many areas. He could fix almost anything and figure out how to solve a problem quickly. He could find a solution to anything, especially when he felt challenged. I must add that the impact that my father had in my decisions urged me to share some of my background influences. I feel that it is important to give you a better scope of my motivation to write this book and why I have the passion to help others succeed.

I was born in Cuba under the Castro regime. In the 1960s, things started to get scarce in my homeland. My dad was concerned with the economic decline and political crisis in the country. It was difficult to find goods, supplies, toiletries, or food even though we had the money to buy them. There was one problem: the stores had rationed the merchandise, and everyone waited extended hours and even days in long lines to buy anything that they could from the stores. People were lucky if they found their right shoe size or clothing to fit them. Unfortunately, because we were under strict governmental control and oppression, we decided to leave our homeland. We landed in Miami, Florida in 1971. I remember my parents’ saying, Somos libre! which means "We are