A Guy's Guide To Relationships: Growing Your Relationship Through Language and Action

By Nolan Lane Ethell

Intimate relationships are one of the most powerful forms of companionship that a person can have. Unfortunately, they are often hard to navigate and can become stale and dull. A Guy's Guide to Relationships is one guy's perspective on how to improve your relationship through language and action. This book teaches you the "Five As" of p

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nolan Ethell
• Release date: Aug 10, 2022
• ISBN: 9798218054366

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© Copyright 2022 by Nolan Ethell – All rights reserved.

It is not legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited.

This book is dedicated to Tashiana. Your overwhelming love and support has guided me, instructed me, and allowed me to be a better man, husband, and father. It was from the root of that love that our relationship blossomed. Because of this, I was encouraged to write a book so that others may share this same experience in their relationship. Thank you, my forever Begonia.

Contents

Introduction

Part I: Language

Chapter 1: The Problem

Chapter 2: Understanding Positive and Negative Language

Chapter 3: The Five As of Positive Language

Affirmation

Admiration

Appreciation

Chapter 4: The Five As of Positive Language Continued

Affection

Attraction

Chapter 5: Communication

Communicating Honestly

Communication of Engagement

Communication of Problems

Communication of Needs

Part II: Action

Chapter 6: Expectations

Unspoken Expectations

Spoken Expectations

Managing Expectations

Chapter 7: Action

Acts of Love and Affection

Acts of Service

Chapter 8: Sacrifice

Time

Energy

Ego

Chapter 9: Toxic Traits

Alcohol

Cheating

Lying

Jealousy

Victim Mentality

Lack of Accountability

Projection

Uncontrolled Emotions

Selfishness and Time

Concluding Toxic Traits

Chapter 10: Growth

Know Thy Self

Know Bad Habits, Create Better Ones

Food and Exercise

Reading

Setting Goals

Finances

Conclusion

Introduction

A Guy’s Guide to Relationships is exactly what the title states: a guy’s guide to relationships and life. This book is the product of a desire to see relationships succeed, but it is also the product of a need; a need to offer a resource for men to grow and develop successful relationships. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of resources dedicated to growing and developing relationships. However, in my experience, I have found that a majority of the books dedicated to relationships are often written in a manner that address the relationship as a whole (which is a wonderful and perfectly acceptable thing) or they lean towards the feminine side of relationships (also an excellent approach). This is likely due to a couple of factors. First, a greater percentage of women read books compared to men. Statistically, women are more likely to read compared to their masculine counterparts. Second, women are typically more invested in growing and developing their relationship than men are.

I wanted to provide an option for those men that do enjoy reading and are seeking to improve their relationship. As a guy, I want to speak to the masculine side of relationships. Therefore, this book is written with a nod towards men. However, ladies, do not feel that it would be a waste of your time to read this book. A majority of the content found within these pages is applicable to any gender and relevant to most relationships. Additionally, you may gain some insight into how a guy’s mind works (or at least how my mind works) when it comes to certain aspects of the relationship. It is first and foremost a book on developing better relationships and I hope that encourages every reader to pursue it.

A Guy’s Guide to Relationships is pragmatic and straightforward. I have a simple theory that every relationship can be successful through language and action. Unfortunately, there is often a general ignorance surrounding these concepts. The language we speak and the actions that we take are the two components that create an essential foundation on which a successful relationship is developed.

Guys, in general, are not typically perceived as strong in their use of language. Some are found to be poor communicators and weak in their ability to express emotion. While I believe that we have progressed past the image of cavemen grunting to communicate, there are times where I wonder if the progress is substantial. Jokes aside, I am sure there are times where our partners consider our language to be the equivalent of a grunt or two.

The solution to this problem requires an awareness of ignorance as well as direction to overcome this ignorance. I believe that people, men in particular, are inherently selfish and full of pride. We like to put ourselves first and retaliate when our pride is compromised. Because of this, selfishness and pride are often destructive, especially when it comes to relationships. It is imperative, then, that overcoming these characteristics becomes a focal point to developing a better, healthier relationship. To move forward, we must admit that we do not know everything about relationships. Even deeper, we must admit that we do not know everything about our own relationships. Putting aside pride and the selfish ego requires maturity, strength, and fortitude. If you accomplish this, the reward and effect that it will have toward your relationship is unlimited.

This book is written in a way that challenges the ego and asks the reader to be selfless. The language we speak and the actions we take in a relationship are crucial to its health and growth. In the first part of the book I will discuss what I consider to be the five types of language that will foster a better relationship with your partner or spouse.

First is the language of affirmation. It is through this language that we positively reinforce our partner and build them up. Second is the language of admiration. We all love admiration from others, but sometimes we forget that our partner needs admiration in our relationship. While admiration is not equivalent to love, it remains a strong emotional support language. Third is the language of appreciation. Expressing and communicating what you appreciate about your partner is instrumental in cultivating an awareness that you recognize and are thankful for who your partner is and what they do.

The fourth A is identified as the language of affection. Affection is easy in the early stages of a relationship but can become labored over the years. While affection is typically regarded as an action, there is a language of affection that supports the action and can be expressed at all times. Finally, the language of attraction is examined. We assume that if we are with someone they should know that we are attracted to them — it would be odd to be with someone who we were not attracted to. Regardless, there remains a deep need for this language and it is important that we communicate our attraction, especially in longstanding relationships where it can become taken for granted.

The second part of the book will look at action in a relationship. Because there is so much emphasis on language, the act of communication will be discussed. The ability to communicate with your partner and engage in healthy conversation is crucial for your relationship. We will also address action in the form of love, expression, touch and help. Each of these actions are daily necessities and will increase the bond of two people in a relationship.

Finally, the paradoxical action of denial will be addressed. I say paradoxical because when we think of denying ourselves something (e.g. food, sleep, alcohol, etc.) we think of a resistance to act. That resistance, however, is an action unto itself.

There are certain actions in a relationship that are good in small measures, and some that need to be eliminated completely. Some of these actions I consider toxic traits and a relationship can be improved by addressing and removing them. This section will severely challenge the ego and cause deep reflection. For those that overcome this challenge, a better relationship will be waiting on the other side.

I think it is important to clarify that I am far from a love guru. I am just an average guy that wants to see people succeed in their relationships. We all live and view life through our own unique and personal experiences. I am a deep believer that these experiences greatly shape who we are and how we act. Some of us have experienced terrible trauma and abuse in our lifetime and often these experiences deeply affect the way we function in a relationship. I am not a counselor or a therapist qualified for addressing these deep issues and I will always encourage anyone that struggles with those experiences to seek professional help. They can offer practices and solutions that will not be found within these pages.

Throughout this book I will offer advice and practices around language and action that have proven beneficial for my wife and myself throughout our twenty plus years together. It is through my own life and relationship experiences that I offer what has worked (and plenty that has not) for your own consideration. It goes without saying that no two relationships are the same, but I truly believe that there are principles and standards that every relationship can incorporate with positive results.

I would claim that everything I present in this book, if put into practice, will substantially improve your relationship — be it a relationship of one month or fifty years. It is my deepest and sincerest hope that even if just one aspect of language or action helps drive you towards growth in your relationship, you will have gained something from reading this book. If that turns out to be the case, then every word was worth typing. So I encourage you to push forward and give the book a chance. I truly believe that at the end of it all you will have the tools to be a better partner and experience the best relationship you have ever had.

Part I: Language

Chapter 1:

The Problem

You are the problem. That sounds overly simplified and aggressive, but at a base level, there is a form of truth to the statement. Of course, when I say you, I mean we, and in general, everyone, but for the sake of transitioning ourselves into the proper mindset, you are the problem.

In my experience, I have found that when someone is blamed for something that they feel directly innocent of, they retort in defense. Typically, the blame gets put elsewhere, or the issue at hand is deflected towards something (or someone) else. When someone tells you that you are the problem, your initial reaction is to deny that assertion and find something else to be the problem. Surely it’s not you.

In a relationship, this can lead to disagreements, arguing, or even verbal attacks. The point, and certainly the key here, is to resist the compulsory reaction to redirect blame and to address the issues in your life through the lens of yourself. What am I doing that hinders my success and how can I improve it? How am I the problem?

There is the old axiom that you cannot force others to change, but you can change yourself. I believe that if you can change yourself, you will put yourself in a position to help others change when they are ready to tackle that obstacle in their own life.

Control what you can control. This advice has been instrumental in my own transformation and if you can subconsciously insert that mantra into your own life, it will bring clarity and success to the goals that you pursue. In the case of relationships, you can influence your partner, help your partner, and guide your partner but you cannot control them. You can only control yourself. You can only control the things that are, theoretically speaking, within the realm of your control.

Now, identifying these things is not always simple and there are boundaries that overlap and intertwine, but for the most part, anything involving your ability to take action and/or react is definitively within your control. As you work through this book there will be things that challenge you and cause you to be defensive; they may even anger you. Don’t worry, this is normal. How you respond to these things will be an indicator of how you respond to certain challenges in your relationship and challenges in your personal life. Ultimately, it is a mindset thing.

Mindset is everything. It makes or breaks successful people, and successful relationships. If you are weak in your ability to be resolute towards a task, you are less likely to get it done. You are certainly less likely to stick with it if it takes a considerable amount of time. Think about the people you know that have set New Year’s resolutions. Maybe they are looking to wake up earlier, go to the gym, or change the way they eat. Maybe they have a financial goal they have set for the year, like saving a certain amount of dollars or perhaps investing a certain amount of money every month. Whatever the goal may be, consider the main differences between those that accomplish their goals and those that do not.

The ones that are successful are the ones with a dedicated mindset to accomplish their goals. They are resolute, steadfast, and know that success depends on their approach and their commitment to the task at hand. There are times where they slip up, maybe they miss a gym session or fail to invest one month, but they don’t give up. They accept that they had a slip and continue pressing on.

On the other hand, those that fail to meet their goals always talk themselves out of what they are trying to accomplish. They convince themselves that there is no point of continuance. They can’t change the way they eat forever, so why try? They think they could put their money towards something better than monthly investments. It is too hard for them to get up and work out in the morning. They’re not seeing the results they want. It seems like one excuse after another for them. Many, many people have failed because of mindsets like this. I know I have.

If you are going to be successful in your life, in your personal growth, and in your relationship, you are going to have to become a master over your negative thoughts and negative situations. All of this is why you are the problem, but it is also why you are the solution. You are the master of your own destiny, as they say, and this is certainly true to an extent. You have the ability to control many things in your life, but you have to take charge and be assertive. You have to be dedicated, resolute, and maintain that strong mindset.

Now, relationships are a bit trickier. As we have already discussed, you cannot control your partner. You can only control yourself and how you respond or react to events in your relationship. I believe that every relationship can be successful and, in theory, this is possible. But it is not probable. I am not naïve enough to think that every combination of every two people has a chance to be successful, let alone permanently united. Relationships end, divorces happen, life goes on. Sometimes painfully and traumatically.

There are a multitude of causes behind failed relationships. First and foremost, it is very difficult to get two people to share like-minded goals and maintain a dedicated commitment to each other. As we will discuss momentarily, we are first and foremost, as individuals, selfish. A significant key to a successful relationship is the ability to put our partner first and ourselves second. Not an easy task for selfish people. But there are other major problems as well. One of the most difficult problems to overcome is two different ideological ways of thinking in a relationship.

I like to think that most people get into relationships with other like-minded people. That is to say, people with similar convictions and beliefs end up together. A Democrat gets with a Democrat, a Republican with a Republican. Likewise, in religion, a Christian will often (but not always) date another Christian, or a Muslim will look to marry another Muslim. The list can go on and on.

You see, each one of us carries a worldview, whether we recognize it or not. I want to avoid going deep into the philosophical distinctions that are found within the concept, but suffice it to say that a worldview is exactly what it sounds like — the way we as individuals inherently view concepts of the world and how it works. Essentially our worldview shapes our ideology. It forms our beliefs about God, reality, knowledge, ethics, and human nature.

When two people hold conflicting worldviews, or conflicting aspects in their worldview, friction and conflict eventually arise. In the beginning of a relationship, these things are easily overlooked because you are excited about your new relationship and the chance to know one another. You initially don’t care what kind of worldview the other person holds. What ultimately happens, unfortunately, is that these opposing or conflicting ideas will eventually reach the surface — and ideological disagreements are not easily overcome. This is largely because it takes a life-altering event or moment of