Be Yourself Happiness Surrounds You

By Jessie N. Swartz

Are you tired of the negative energy surrounding your daily life?

Negativity can come in all shapes and sizes and from any element of your life, including your work or social life.

But you don't

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jessie N. Swartz
• Release date: Jul 3, 2023
• ISBN: 9781088206355

Book preview

Introduction

Greetings

I’m going to make everything around me beautiful—that will be my life.

–Elsie De Wolfe

What comes to mind when you think of negativity and toxic relationships? Usually, when you think of negativity and unhealthy relationships, physical and emotional abuse comes to mind, and iti s generally at the hands of a partner. But negativity and toxic relationships can come in all shapes and sizes and are not necessarily from a partner. For example, abuse from coworkers, bosses, and friends can leave you feeling mentally and emotionally drained. Still, it’s possible you may not have even realized it, especially if it’s something we grew up around.

I want you to think back for a moment about your childhood. What memories pop up? Most people don’t realize that your childhood environment is the foundation of who you grow up to be later in adulthood. Everyone has a different childhood. Some grow up in a loving and nurturing family home. Others live in homes where they witness substance abuse and domestic violence. If you were in the latter, chances are you are facing struggles in your adult life and may find it hard to relate to others who did not grow up in a toxic situation. As a result, it can show up in other ways.

In one of those ways, it may manifest in a toxic relationship with a partner. For example, if you had overprotective parents, you may end up in a relationship with someone who is controlling and has no issues with loudly expressing jealousy. If you had a parent who would lash out at the other parent, you might have seen your receiving parent brush it off. As a result, if you end up in a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive, you could brush it off, too, because, on the good days, they are really good days.

There are so many ways that an unhealthy relationship impacts us. However, understanding our good and bad influences goes a long way for us. Understanding how childhood influences affect your emotions and decisions can help you navigate your life, especially one you want to improve, and see life from a new perspective when you come from a toxic environment. The first step is to recognize and come to terms with how your upbringing was. I want you to know right now that there is no shame or blame. Not every childhood is rosy. But I see you. I see you as the person who wants to shift because you don’t want those toxic influences to hold power over how you react to adverse situations.

When you recognize you came from a toxic upbringing, it’s the first step to accepting it. You acknowledge that it wants to hold power over you and allow you to make excuses for your behaviors. But now it is time to let go of its hold on you. Processing everything can be challenging. In many cases, when we face scary moments in our lives, we tend to block them out. As a result, you may find that memories are resurfacing, and it can feel debilitating. Not every day will be easy, but as you learn to work through them, it will feel amazing knowing that you are not allowing your childhood upbringing to impact you from becoming your very best self.

But how do you step forward to become your very best self? The first thing is recognizing the trauma and hurt from a toxic and hostile environment. These are some of the other signs you may have grown up in unhealthy family life (even if there wasn’t substance abuse and domestic violence).

Unrealistic Expectations

All families have expectations, and family members usually take on multiple roles to support each other. For example, it’s normal to help with laundry or empty the dishwasher nightly. Maybe on occasion, you had to watch a younger sibling after school. However, these tasks shouldn’t take away from your childhood, your ability to complete schoolwork, hang out with friends, or get a good night’s sleep.

If you were raised in an unhealthy family setting, chances are you had to

• provide most of the care for yourself and your siblings.

• take on extra responsibilities such as cooking or completing difficult chores as a child.

• provide emotional support to a parent or sibling even though you were a kid.

Harsh Criticism

Occasionally, our parents probably criticized us when our behavior was out of line. However, the remarks we receive should be constructive because that is how we learn from our mistakes or how we should behave in certain situations. Even outside of a family dynamic, friends and partners should be willing to provide constructive feedback to you that will help you grow. The comments should not have made you feel stupid, unwanted, or unloved.

Lack of Support

Not everyone is perfect. Maybe your parents forgot to pick you up from school after a sport or band practice, making you wait. Perhaps they forgot to buy groceries, so you didn’t have much for dinner that night. Supportive family members, especially parents, should be looking out for your needs by

• taking care of you, ensuring you are healthy

• giving you boundaries

• ensuring you go to school

• making sure you have clean clothes to wear

• making sure you have food to eat

• giving you affection and constructive criticism

Without any of the above, it could suggest that your family dynamic was unhealthy.

Lack of Love, Compassion, or Respect

It’s normal when you argue with a family member or a sibling. However, despite feeling frustrated, you should still show love, respect, and kindness to one another.

On the other hand, when there is a toxic family setting, you may have had a family member

• belittle you

• attack your character, leaving you feeling powerless

Occasionally, your family may not agree with what you want to do or say, but you should have felt loved and supported as you tried to pave your pathway.

Verbal, Physical, and Emotional Abuse

No matter what type of abuse it is, it’s still toxic. Sometimes it is easy to recognize when it’s in the form of

• nonconsensual touching and unwanted sex

• sexual remarks about how your body looks

• sexual gestures

• name-calling

• gaslighting

In the heat of the moment, we may have thrown out nasty names we didn’t mean. But in a healthy relationship, you would apologize and express your frustrations calmly and rationally when you have had time to process your feelings. However, if the behavior continues afterward and there isn’t a resolution, you might be in a toxic relationship.

No matter what level of unhealthy you face in your relationships, they can affect you significantly. Some of those can surface by

• not knowing your sense of self

• keeping people at arm’s length

• walking on eggshells for fear of angering someone

• constantly blaming yourself when things go wrong

• perfectionism

• blacking out parts of your childhood

Coming to terms with what your life was like up until now can be debilitating, especially if you blacked out significant parts. You may have a wide range of thoughts and emotions now that you are beginning to realize what your childhood was like. Likewise, even if you had a great family life, you may have stumbled upon a toxic environment, and you’re only just realizing now it is time to heal.

This is where you are now at a crossroads. Do you continue to invest your time in energy in those who drain it fast, or do you start to set boundaries and make hard decisions on whether you should cut ties with those who have hurt you? Many people believe that family is blood, and no matter what, you should remain civil regardless of the situation. However, on your path to healing, if cutting ties with the people who no longer serve you is what you need to do, know that it is okay to make those decisions.

If it is family members you don’t necessarily want to cut ties with, set clear