Quirky Gardening Questions Reexamined: Unearthing Your Inner Funny Bone

By Nikki Tilley

Get ready to unearth your funny bone one last time with another round of Quirky Gardening Questions. The first time they were revealed. The second time they were revisited. Now these humorous questions have been reexamined and guaranteed to make you laugh! And as they say, laughter is the best medicine.

Quirky Gardening Questions Reexamined: Unearth Your Inner Funny Bone
By Nikki Tilley (formerly Nikki Phipps)
ISBN: 978-1-312-58745-8
Copyright ©2023
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: May 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9781312587458

Book preview

Quirky Gardening Questions Reexamined

Unearthing Your Inner Funny Bone

__________

Nikki Tilley

Quirky Gardening Questions Reexamined: Unearthing Your Inner Funny Bone

Copyright © 2023 by Nikki Tilley

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

ISBN: 978-1-312-58745-8

Printed in the USA by Lulu Press (https://www.lulu.com/)

Dedication

For my sister, Shannon. You’ve always been my closest friend and confidant, even when you aggravated the crap out of me as a kid. Thanks for cheering me on and supporting my quirky dreams.

Table of Contents

Preface

A Quick, Quirky Recap

Chapter One: Growth Starts with Propagation

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Two: I Think We Have an Identity Crisis

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Three: The Wide World of Houseplants

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Four: Dear Succulents, I Promise Never to Desert You

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Five: Between the Weeds, Flowers Grow (and Questions)

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Six: A Thyme for Herbs

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Seven: Fruits and Veggies (A Few Nuts Too)

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Eight: A Weedy Funny Lawn

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Nine: Branching Out with Shrubs and Trees

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Ten: It’s All About Soil

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Eleven: Garden Pests and Other Issues

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Twelve: Your Guess is as Good as Mine

Quirky Headlines

Chapter Thirteen: What’s Your Growing Zone?

Chapter Fourteen: Can You Handle That?

Chapter Fifteen: Shameless Braggarts and Disgruntled Opinions

Resources

Preface

I’ve always said that gardening is a learning experience. There are many, many lessons to be learned in the garden and it never ends, regardless of how long you’ve been doing it. And, of course, you don’t learn if you don’t ask. I wish I’d known this in the beginning. I started out by sticking plants in the ground with no clue about hardiness zones or growing conditions. This didn’t normally work out well, but on the few occasions when it did, I was excited enough to learn more.

I’ve been doing this for some time now, yet I never grow tired of the curious questions that have come my way. As a former editor, I know all too well about the importance of good grammar and spelling (and yes, even I make mistakes). Still, it’s always nice to have a good laugh, and over the years I’ve enjoyed many. After the first two books of offbeat gardening questions, I got flooded with ideas to do more. I was pleasantly surprised that so many people were able to dig my quirky sense of humor. And I’m thankful they do. This particular book was a long time in the making. In fact, I really never expected to get it finished, but all’s well that ends well I guess. I can FINALLY cross this last installment off my bucket list. I do apologize for the wait but, as they say, sh*t happens. My life got busy and plans for another book were put on hold.

Somewhere between the craziness of raising teenagers, managing a household, working full time and gardening to keep my sanity, I lost my zest for writing – by this I mean the way I want to write versus the way I’m expected to. Much has changed since we last met. I even got remarried (in case you happened to notice the name change from the previous titles). And once everything quieted down after semi-retiring, life became far less chaotic. It’s amazing what you have time to do once the kids are grown and moved on, and you no longer feel weighed down by responsibilities both at home and working full time. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job! I was the senior editor and in charge of content marketing for Gardening Know How, a popular online gardening resource. My journey began as a garden writer but as my knowledge and experience grew, it turned into something so much more. I was helping others – people just like me with a love for plants. It wasn’t long until answering questions from fellow gardeners highlighted my day-to-day activities, and this is what sparked the idea for the first book, Quirky Gardening Questions Revealed. Granted, it didn’t top any best seller lists, and that was never my goal, but it did become a hit with family, friends, and other gardening enthusiasts with a sense of humor. That’s why two years later I decided to write Quirky Gardening Questions Revisited. It also became popular. By this time my job was steadily growing. As the site drew more visitors, my workload increased. I had gone from the lead garden writer and Q&A gardening expert to an admin and editor, though I continued to answer questions and write articles whenever time allowed.

Who would’ve ever thought this broken, pieced together again country gal would end up doing so well? Not me. But many of you did, and steadily pushed me onward. Now, 10 years after that second quirky book I’m officially going out with a bang. And it couldn’t have happened at a better time. I gathered up my notes from years past, gave them another look, and managed to form this latest creation – Quirky Gardening Questions Reexamined. It’s my final farewell to the job I loved so much. The job that taught me more than I could have ever imagined. The job I will always be thankful for, and the person who made it all possible… Heather Rhoades, the former owner of Gardening Know How and my mentor.

Of course, it goes without saying that a number of other individuals played a big role along this journey of mine. I want to personally thank my family for believing in me. I would also like to thank my coworkers, past and present, the CEO and all the writers I worked with during my nearly two decades with Gardening Know How. A big shout out goes to my partners in crime Shelley Pierce and Stacey Weichert. Man, did we have some good times and lots of laughs. Miss you both by the way. And, finally, I’d like to thank my successor, Liz Baessler. It was an honor working with you all those years and I’m blessed to have you carry the torch onward into the next chapter.

Speaking of chapters, let’s get on with it shall we. But before we do, I couldn’t really begin book number three without highlighting some of the quirkiest gardening questions from the previous two books. It should also be noted that I’m not teasing people (okay, maybe just a little) and I’m not trying to offend anyone. None of the questions that came across my desk or elsewhere were ever answered the way they are within the following pages. Same goes for the additional sections I’ve added. I’m a professional, after all, though they did give me pause and a good chuckle. The offbeat answers and comments are mine, and no individuals were injured in the making of this book. Likewise, the Quirky Headlines that follow many of the chapters aren’t all legit (with exception to the Strange but True sections). They’re mostly from article titles or question subject lines that unwittingly lit the fuse of my creativity. Sometimes I just can’t help myself.

If you’re the type that gets butt hurt easily, please move on. This book isn’t for you. It’s meant to make you laugh, to unearth that underlying funny bone most of us have, and that’s a good thing. The world could use a little more laughter.

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A Quick, Quirky Recap

It’s been a minute and our memories do fade in time. That’s why I decided to include a quick recap with some of the best gardening questions from the first two books in my Quirky Gardening collection. I must admit it wasn’t easy.

Q: How do you cut an avocado?

A: With a knife.

Q: Is strawberry a berry?

A: Duh, straw-BERRY. Yes, it’s a berry, which in this case is also a fruit.

Q: When do lemons hatch?

A: Lemons do not hatch. They’re not chickens. They are the fruit found on lemon trees.

Q: How can I make my potted lemon tree grow when it just doesn’t want to?

A: Threaten to ground it!

Q: What do you look for in a pumpkin patch?

A: Uh, pumpkins would be what I would look for.

Q: What does broccoli look like when it’s growing?

A: Well, it should look like broccoli. If it starts to resemble another veggie, I’d be worried.

Q: I need help with cucumbers.

A: I need help with laundry. Could you be more specific?

Q: If you water the cucumbers with vinegar, will they come up as pickles?

A: Are you serious? If you water the cucumbers with vinegar, you’ll likely kill them. You pickle harvested cucumbers with vinegar and herbs.

Q: What is the best way to trim a real rubber tree plant?

A: As opposed to trimming a fake one?

Q: Help with mothballs eating herbs.

A: Last time I checked, mothballs were not alive and do not have mouths. What kind of damn mothballs do you have?

Q: Sometimes I cover myself in lavender fragrance and stand in my garden and pretend I’m a lavender plant. Is this normal? Do you do this as well?

A: Not exactly normal but I suppose everyone needs a hobby.

Q: How do I make a butterfly?

A: Grab a stick of butter and throw it in the air. Not really. On a serious note, butterflies are adult caterpillars. You can raise a caterpillar and it will eventually go into a cocoon. Once it emerges, it will be a butterfly. Or, you can simply grow plants that attract them to the garden.

Q: How do birds find birdfeeders?

A: By using their eyes. They can see the birdfeeders. How do you find them?

Q: When a plant dies in a pot, what do you do with it?

A: Throw it away. (What else do you do with it?)

Q: Is it dangerous to dig a pond near high voltage power lines?

A: You think? I would recommend placing your