Choose the Man You Want to Be!: (Women Will Want to Know)

By Mark D F Byrne

This is an eclectic set of stories that are designed to give you many different types of insight into the behaviour of men and what may motivate them to do the things they do or say the things they say. The stories can allow someone to think about their own character. What would they have done or said in the circumstances provided and to what extent do they worry about their effect on other people. Men always have the opportunity of choice. Women in particular will read this and think about the character of the man they want to be with. In the meantime they can use it to mess with their man’s head. It could be entertaining for them to test his mettle. The book was all done in mostly a light and humourous tone and goes off on tangents sometimes if only to make a point or get a laugh.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Feb 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781669886020

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Copyright © 2022 by Mark D F Byrne.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/31/2022

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Don’t you just love this bit in a book where the author is so thankful to all of her or his family and friends and then lists everyone whoever even heard a whisper that there was a book on the offing? Maybe if it looks like a team you could say, Well, it is obviously not all my doing alone, so you can blame all these other people as well if you don’t like it. I suspect, and there should be some research on this, that if the first book is actually successful then next time one pecks out a new manuscript the acknowledgements at that time will make up a very small team indeed. I am not so worried about this, either because you have already turned over this page or it has not been welcomed by the publishing community. In the case of the latter, it will be only my team that will pretend to have read it and proclaim how much they enjoyed it after quite a number of wines. From what I can work out, by watching way too much television, authors only really drink wine or if they are really serious, whisky.

Anyway, none of that appears here. My acknowledgement and my dedication is to all those men who feel, at some point in their life, that they have been well and truly kicked in the family jewels. Not only that but while you are bending over in agony checking to make sure you can still count to two, your wallet is taken from your back pocket.

You may pick up from this that I am just a tad bitter. Do you think? Does that mean I am wrong? Maybe. But at least hear me out and reach your own conclusions. I have deliberately not mentioned anybody in particular (There is one exception and I hope she doesn’t mind or sue me –look out for that) but there have been quite a few who have helped me get this far and they know who they are but I simply could not name them. This is not because they have not helped me. I just could not bring myself to potentially damage their reputations for my wacky ideas. So if you don’t like it and want to return it immediately to the book store, you only have me to blame, so send any hate mail to me via this publisher and I will thoroughly engage with you on my philosophy. By the way, if you end up reading this book to any extent you will come to know that the previous sentence is an absolute lie.

INTRODUCTION

These are the ramblings of an older man. I say older because I am not yet willing to say I am old. I know I am, but as I said I am just not willing to admit it. What I have compiled is my own musings about what it is to be a man. It is an eclectic collection (try saying that three times quickly) of ideas and thoughts. Nothing more - nothing less. I do not profess to pass on any great wisdom about how to live your own life. I cannot tell you how to satisfy every need our advertisements suggest you have to address for a healthier life. That is not what I am writing. I offer you, the reader, (and I can only hope there is more than one) just a little insight when looking back on my life. All I have to offer is food for thought. It is as simple as that. Hopefully if you turn your mind to what I do have to offer you will have the capacity to think about a few ideas and to look inwardly. To stop blaming others for what may or may not have gone wrong in your life. To realise you simply are who you are and that who is likely to be a very worthy person. A person that will embrace reflection. A person hopefully just a little inspired by curiosity. A person so worthy of love and belief in yourself in whatever form that might take.

So if I can be so bold I would love to be able to proclaim I want to go where no man has gone before. Whether or not I achieve that is obviously up to you. Those of you who know Star Trek would immediately understand the reference. For those of you who don’t it is your loss. But obviously one you can remedy. Maybe that is the bottom line. My ultimate recommendation is to never stop learning. Never think you have all the answers because you could never have heard all the questions and you never will. But be gentle on yourself and humble enough to keep an open mind. You just may be surprised about the benefits that flow.

The chapters that follow are only short and I hope it makes for easy reading. Obviously you can read or you wouldn’t have bought the bloody book in the first place. Either that or you are just trying to impress a smart arse boy or girl. If it is the latter I can only recommend you walk confidently into the bookstore, find the staff member with the thickest glasses and buy the biggest, most pompous book you can in a hardback version. Take it home and leave it playfully open on your desk at some sort of jaunty angle. If you think it looks too new that would be a real giveaway. So make some tea, wait until it goes cold and liberally spill it over the book to resemble the appropriate age for which you are seeking. Make it look well worn, but loved and dog-eared.

Anyway I have digressed again. The reason of course that all the chapters are short is that I don’t know that many words and you will notice I have used quite a few that I do know more than once. It is also great when in bed with your partner to pretend you are a speed reader and just casually be able to say on regular intervals. Well that is another chapter done – What a ride. Obviously you can never show her or him the book itself but it has always served me well to simply say you are on a literary journey and that you cannot yet share. It sounds really intellectual. Then look as coy and smart as you can. Good luck. But remember, if it ever comes up again, books are those things which go missing all the time.

Back to the story. My inadequate word use fundamentally comes back to the fact that I am extremely technically challenged and still have not found the thesaurus on my program. It reaches a point when you think, Will my readers forgive me? You quickly come to the view however that you don’t care. Seeking forgiveness ahead of the event (which is what I am doing now) is better than all the time trying to determine how your computer works. I am such a dinosaur. I still have not entirely ruled out that magic is involved in all computers.

Before I go all Harry Potter on you I distinctly remember in my mother’s elderly years her writing her own little memoir. I still treasure it. This is not my memoir but secretly I really hope my own children read it and perhaps gain a better understanding of who I am or was. I guess it is because I really wish my father did the same for me. He is still an enigma in my own mind and I would have loved to have known more. It might have helped me to understand my own biases and outlook on life. I miss him too.

One bit of advice, but ignore it if you wish. As I have said, this is an eclectic mix of random thoughts, stories and issues that may or may not resonate with you. So pick and choose chapters that I hope you find intriguing. There is also a bit of a game in this for you. Just look at each of the chapter headings and before you read on see if you can work out in advance what the subject matter might be. If you can verify this in respect of all chapters I will personally provide a very significant prize. You will no doubt anticipate that this promise too is a lie.

I do recommend, however, one thing. The first four chapters I think are important as a prelude to the rest. The reason is that it gives you a little bit of understanding about my history and my perspective therefore on various matters and my biases. I am certainly not saying I am right with any of this. In fact the more I have written I am not sure there is such a thing. But hopefully it may just make you think and question a few things that could apply to you. I do hope younger men read this and at least become a bit more reflective long before they reach my age. Selfishly I just love the idea when lying in my grave that someone may read my little stories and help me become an immortal. (Another lie obviously). However I would recommend this book to women as well for two very good reasons. The first and obvious one is that I am at times hoping I may be able to flog this thing and make a buck, so the last thing I want to do is rule out half of the demographic. The second reason, much more altruistic, is that it may give women some insight into the men in their lives. Then you will know how to anticipate what they will do and this could end up for you as a really fun way of messing with their minds.

CONTENTS

Chapter 1: There is an older man in a nice suit sitting at the doorway to a bank with a gun in his pocket

Chapter 2: Come on Francis, you have to look your best

Chapter 3: Ballet and other pitfalls

Chapter 4: Please find your own pen

Chapter 5: The Gentleman: Please don’t let me be misunderstood

Chapter 6: So tell me, what do you do?

Chapter 7: The Hunger

Chapter 8: God Botherers and Zealots

Chapter 9: A get out of jail free card

Chapter 10: You can disagree with someone or even criticize them but don’t go too far or you may not make it back

Chapter 11: This will put lead in your pencil

Chapter 12: Remember, no matter where you go, there you are!

Chapter 13: The seventh wave

Chapter 14: It is not life or death, it is so much more important than that !

Chapter 15: There was a time when Royals actually did something other than appear in magazines and hold scissors to a ribbon

Chapter 16: How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet?

Chapter 17: The fortress of solitude

Chapter 18: A thug’s game played by gentlemen

Chapter 19: What the animal’s saw!

Chapter 20: The Ankh – Sanctuary

Chapter 21: Weakness, or at least the acknowledgment of it, can be a sign of real strength

Chapter 22: So this guy walks into a bar…

Chapter 23: As busy as a one legged man in a bum kicking contest

Chapter 24: Everyone has a face that they portray

Chapter 25: I cried more than the baby

Chapter 26: What the hell do women want?

Chapter 27: Insecurities and self-loathing

Chapter 28: You want me to do what?

Chapter 29: If you are a bastard, will you always be a bastard?

Chapter 30: Where did we put the round table?

Chapter 31: Grace

Chapter 32: When doves cry

Chapter 33: Eccentricity is bloody electric

Chapter 34: Guess who’s coming for dinner?

Chapter 35: Is there a special handshake to get into this club?

Chapter 36: Respect the notion of respect

Chapter 37: Miss Understood

Chapter 38: Never feel like you have to colour in your picture within the lines

Chapter 39: Acceptance

Chapter 40: Remember Venn diagrams and forget about your terrible teacher who tried to tell you all about them

Chapter 41: The Seedy side of life

Chapter 42: How can you tell someone who is trying their best that it simply isn’t good enough?

Chapter 43: It is hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way

Chapter 44: You don’t get to choose your mother or father

Chapter 45: An ode to love

Chapter 46: Turn up the flames

Chapter 47: What has happened to trust?

Chapter 48: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant: A bottle of white, a bottle of red

Chapter 49: Don’t forget the bone marrow

Chapter 50: Real men do not self-advertise

Chapter 51: Shit I used to be good

Chapter 52: Doing time (Does that only happen in jail?)

Chapter 53: Is it possible to anticipate the unknown? (Who knows?)

Chapter 54: Timing is everything

Chapter 55: Who takes the responsibility?

Chapter 56: Well, to begin with, I wouldn’t start from here

Chapter 57: Do we really need that?

Chapter 58: Controlled by women

Chapter 59: A sense of entitlement

Chapter 60: Potato salad and Quiche

Chapter 61: She goes off like a frog in a sock

Chapter 62: Drill bits

Chapter 63: Actions speak louder than words

Chapter 64: I meant to say, May I have another cup of coffee please?

Chapter 65: The horse at the wedding

Chapter 66: Frogs Legs

Chapter 67: Let them fly away

Chapter 68: Let’s play snooker

Chapter 69: The knots and the nots

Chapter 70: Conclusion

CHAPTER 1

There is an older man in a nice suit sitting at the doorway to a bank with a gun in his pocket

No, this is not the start of a joke. That was my father. And no, he was not going to rob the place. He was actually the bank manager. The only reason I start with this story is that for men, whether consciously or subconsciously we have learned behavior from male role models. I am not suggesting all fathers have to display every aspect of character that you might admire. You should appreciate what your father has to offer but don’t assume it is the only source. Pick out other good role models and be selective about what you would like to adopt for yourself.

So,