Hold It Through the Curves: Essays

By Daniela Henry

With poignant candor, humor and thought-provoking articles, essayist and blogger Daniela Henry, writes about emotional and powerful thoughts, parenting, travels, books and inspiration while chronicling her life with her own ups and downs. Smart, edgy, hilarious, sometimes raw and unabashed raunchy, Henry explodes onto the printed page in third first book. You will learn about minimalism, how not to kill you(r) child(ren), love, life and how to be happy because you only have this one shot.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 21, 2020
• ISBN: 9781664119642

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Copyright © 2020 by Daniela Henry.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 07/21/2020

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction or Writing is Tough

Spend Your Life Keeping The Garbage Out

As a Writer

Little Fires Everywhere

Clichés

You have to Watch This

Liars

Progress over Perfection

Burdens & The Energizer Bunny

Thoughts on self-care

The L-Word

Growing Up- Growing Down

The Journey Home to the Heart

Watermelon Sugar

The One not Fondly Mentioned – A Screenplay

Illusions & Dreams

The Language of Trust

On Life Changes

Vienna or does where I live define me?

While she Strolled Down the Path looking for Flowers

Relationship 101

The Honest Mom-Genre

Female/Male Friendship – Is this a Thing?

Password Invalid – A Conversation with my Computer

Running a Marathon through the Five Stages of Grief

Single-Parenting How to: Bonus – Without Losing your Mind

Warning: Everything is F****d

Fall Cleaning

Cigarette Cockroach Friendships

Breaking it Down – Divorce & Kids

Relationships

Body Language 101

Subway Creatures: How not to be an Asshole on the Train

Always Creating

How to balance Ambition and Security

Not your Traditional Family

Questions to Ask before buying Anything

A Conversation with Alcohol

Burning Matchsticks Setting Fire to its Neighbor

The Gut Feeling

Come as You are

Hold it Through the Curves

In Pretending we Sometimes Forget

Guilt and Forgiveness

Sometimes Hangry

A Bowl of Pasta to Regain my Illusion of Control

Boring in a Benign way, like peeing without being on Instagram

The Turkey is in the Oven, but the Husband is Out the Door

The Morning Chill on his Skin Made Her Tremble

The Calm The F*** Down and Breathe Method

7/11

Tales of a Six-Year-Old

Valentine’s Day

Siri, Alexa & I

How to Survive As A Toddler

Wrongfully In the 10 Item Lane – Supermarket Etiquette

The Neighbors’ Window

Love & Whatnot

Older But Better But Wiser

The Protagonist Assumes an Exalted Place in This Discourse.

A Letter to Myself

Coronavirus Thought While Stuck at Home But Would Rather Be Exiled

Your Company

Otherwise Likable

How the F*** Does Anybody Work from Home

Hello, 144. This Is an Emergency

Oh, Life. What If

Don’t Step on Those Push-Pins

I Need that Virtual Face Mask

Happy Birthday to Someone Very Special

Corona-Diaries

Breakfast for Dinner

Newbury Haunted Highschool

Surrender

Love in the Time of Corona

Corona-Diary

Quarantainment

What? That’s Crazy.

Lucidity

Coffee Rabbit with Missing Arms

Love & Marriage – A Quiz

April, the 78654th

Rallying to Keep the Game Alive

In Love Without a Roadmap

Single, unemployed, and suddenly Myself

Quarantine Diary: Wrap up

Happy Mother’s Day

Reminders: Playground Stories or Things That Happen on a Park bench

Okay is Eh’ Okay

Running & Time Traveling up that Hill

From A to Be

Dedicated to J. H. and W.H.

Acknowledgments

First, I would like to thank my family: They will always be the best and I love them so much. My friends and "family in Canada. Dat Tran, my favorite nerd, who knows how to create table of contents, is a master in proof-reading and an awesome friend for years.

I would like to thank everyone who is reading my blog and buying my books. All my friends. You know who you are. No need to mention all of them here. If you are in my phone contact list and on my Facebook friends list, you are in my inner circle.

I would like to thank my phone because my iPhone is awesome. I would like to thank Tom Waits, the Avatar Soundtrack, Jazz, Dave Matthews Band, The Rolling Stones, Pearl Jam and Alanis Morrissette for their music. I would like to thank the people at Phil Bookstore in Vienna: I spent so many hours there. I want to thank James Franco for acting in the movie Howl and Puccini for the Opera La Boheme which I know by heart.

Allen Ginsberg for his books. And Frank, the UPS guy, who delivers all the books I order. The makers of Kinderriegel and Lindt Chocolate.

And best for last, W.H. because he is simply the One.

Introduction or Writing is Tough

I like hard work and I don’t like pretending things are perfect. I have learned that about myself. I have been writing my whole life: stories, many diaries, poems, anything. I think my writings feel alive and fluid and keeps me alive and fluid. Sometimes I wonder how I was able to write this book. I have a job that keeps me busy 8-10 hours a day, plus an almost seven-year-old son. All of these things are equally wonderful and horrible and keep me just off balance and busy enough to make spending hours alone writing seem like a terrible idea. But it works for me. Somehow, I find the time. I know enough now to know I know nothing. I am slugging away every day, just like you. But nonetheless, here we are. I have written my third book. You have it.

I wrote this book after my son went to sleep. I wrote this book on subways and busses. I wrote this book from scribbling thoughts I kept in my Moleskin journal and from thoughts in my head before I went to sleep. I wrote this book while my son fell asleep next to me. He dreamt and I turned down the light on the screen as I wrote about how hard it is to write. I am presenting a series of reasons as to why you should lower your expectations, so that you can be blown away by my sneaky insights about life and work. I am a grown woman. I know my own tricks. One of the things I have learned about me while writing about me is that I am really onto myself. Life is a mystery.

I made some other mistakes while I wrote this book. I asked people who have already finished books for advice, which is like asking a mother with an almost seven-year-old what childbirth is like. All the edges have been rounded and they have forgotten the pain. Overall, every book written by men or women with children under the age of six should have a sleep deprived sticker.

This book is a view of my life so far. It is an attempt to speak to that feeling of being young and old at the same time. Sometimes this book stays in the present, other times I try to cut myself in half and count the rings. Occasionally, I think about the future, but I try to do that sparingly because it usually makes me feel weird. Hold It Through the Curves is an attempt to present an open scrapbook that includes a sense of what I am thinking and feeling right now.

In this book, there is talk about my past. There is some emotional sharing. There is also some advice, which varies in its levels of seriousness. Lastly, these are just essays, which are stories that usually have a beginning and an end, but nothing is ever guaranteed. Like in real life. Sometimes these things are mixed together.

The title of the book comes from a few different places. I like to say, "Hold it Through The Curves a lot. Because we all just have to keep going. It is called Hold it Through the Curves" because it is the constant struggle and often the right answer. Can we figure out what we want or ask for it? Is being vulnerable a power position? Am I allowed to take up your space? Or would you like to be left alone?

And attention, men! There is plenty of stuff in this book for you, too. Since I have spent the majority of my life in male dominated working environments, I feel like I know you well enough. I think this book will speak to men in a bunch of different ways.

I think it is time that you read my book. So, shall we?

Spend Your Life Keeping

The Garbage Out

Is it just me or does it feel like advice is given everywhere? We get bombarded with unsolicited, desperate requests from books we read, shows we watch, people we choose to surround ourselves with and the list goes on. One thing is for sure: everyone has some advice to give. But just because it is there, does not always mean it is good, no? At the end of the day, we like to believe that advice is all about experience and one person sharing their downfalls, big wins or everything in between in hopes of someone else’s situation ending differently. If your heart is in the right place to receive advice it is usually something beneficial and beautiful to be taken away instead of an annoying feeling like shooing away a mosquito. Since everybody does it and this is my blog and creative outlet, I would like to share some good advice that I received and is helpful in my life. Maybe there is something for you to take away, too.

Someone told me that changing your mind is the cheapest form of therapy.

This someone also told me that: You are too smart to be with certain men.

If you have the feeling that your partner is too arrogant, smokes too much weed, is too full of him/herself, and extremely paranoid trust your gut and run away as fast as you can. It doesn’t matter what a person tells you, it’s their actions that prove who they really are. Don’t base your trust and expectations on people’s words. Ever.

I was born empathetic; maybe too empathetic. I always had a shoulder, an ear, a heart for anyone and everyone. I listened and didn’t judge, giving without ever expecting anything in return. This worked for decades, and somehow, I was this happy, everlasting altruist. The thing is: when you accept the role to take on negativity, it takes its toll after a while. In moments, when I needed peace, others didn’t put me first because they had been used to me putting myself second. This is when I taught myself to protect my peace. Sounds simple enough, but it’s leading my mission in life now. I have learned the beauty of saying no, of choosing what I let affect me and knowing that it is my responsibility to put me first because I am the only me, I will ever have. And, by way of ‘protecting my peace’, I have let go of some friendships, ended relationships, and quit jobs.

You are doing the best you can. Sometimes this little reminder puts things in perspective when I am being too hard on myself of feel like I could be doing more to change a situation. In reality, I am simply doing the best I can in a challenging time. No more, no less.

Keep doing the right things and you will get the results. This one is so important when you try to achieve something challenging and it takes longer than you expected to get to your goal. If I keep doing what works, consistently, eventually I will get the results.

Don’t try to read what people think. Simply ask.

Don’t get married. Totally unnecessary.

No iPad Air Mini 2 with WIFI and SIM card is ever necessary to communicate with someone you love.

Need to make a tough decision? Trust your gut. If you ever find yourself in a place where you cannot hear it then sit in silence and write a list of pros and cons until the answer becomes so obvious that you cannot ignore it. Take time with yourself and make sure that your mind and body are always connected. This is the most important relationship.

And the obvious: Never drink alcohol on an empty stomach; wear sun protection every single day, and never go to bed without taking your makeup off. And, you cannot expect anyone to love you the way you deserve, the way you want to be loved, if you cannot love yourself first. I know how corny and obvious this sounds, but I am amazed how people try to bypass that very simple, yet essential rule of the universe. Self-love isn’t something you can fake with diets, expensive shopping habits, a relationship or a few face masks a week. Whatever blocks and resistances you refuse to face, whatever beliefs you have come to develop about yourself, will without a doubt manifest themselves into your current relationship, for better or worse. Get to know yourself independently of the people in your life. Accept and forgive whatever invisible grudges on yourself you may have accumulated over the years and understand that you are whole, all on your own.

As a Writer

As a writer, it is normal to be drawn to the written word, to daydream and to write down sentences that begin with the phrase: as a writer. These days, my fantasies center around the publication of my second book and what book cover to use. Of course, as a writer, one of my favorite authors is Patti Smith.

Patti’s book Just Kids has become a staple in every hipster-aesthete’s literary arsenal just because the cover is so goddamn awesome. As a writer, I have often pondered what makes a successful book cover these days, especially in the age of e-books and Audible. Would Daniela Henry’s book Sometimes Raw been a hit without its cover?

The real marrow of what makes a great cover is looking at an image and it being able to project out the abstract but important ideas or story that book is trying to convey, explained Abigail Bergstrom, Head of Publishing Gleam Futures. A lot of my authors have existing communities, so they have a real instinct and intuition on who’s going to buy the book, she continued. This increase in agency among authors is reflected in their covers. "I think in the non-fiction space it’s very type-led, especially on issues of gender and women’s voices. They’re being taken seriously in the way that they should be and maybe haven’t in the past. Their covers are looking more authoritative — that’s a word I hear a lot of my authors say — they want to look authoritative. Less millennial pink, more authority."

Bergstrom says that e-book sales have now plateaued, hinting that people still desire the physical object over its digital counterpart. I totally agree with this. People rarely post pictures of their Kindle book and a cup of coffee on Instagram for example. A book is a symbolic object which makes the picture so much more significant. Holding it, smelling it…. You get my point.

So, what draws you to a book? The cover for one because it speaks volumes about not only the content but how we choose to represent ourselves. How do I choose a design? Really, it’s not about designing a cover that works for Instagram, it’s about designing a cover that’s going to be saleable through the internet, explains Bergstrom. Things like thumbnails on Audible — if you’ve got a cover that has really intricate tiny drawings, that’s not going to speak to the reader. I heard stories from my writer-colleagues who had fights with their publishers over their cover design. How come? The tug and war of the creative process is helpful, says Bergstrom. It really brings to light the positioning of the book and who it’s for…it’s good to have that ironed out and focused so that everybody’s on the same page before we enter the stage of comms and marketing the book. For me, it is hard to find a suitable cover. Why? Because there is no specific formula for guaranteeing a cover’s success. A successful book cover properly captures the tone of the book, says Joan Wong, book designer. To me, it’s not so much about making sure the book sells as much as it is about doing right by the writing.

As a writer, I have to tell you that writing a book is not easy. It is hard work, but I love it. I also have to tell you that I am in the final stages and just sent my second manuscript to a publisher. I love it at the moment and then I hate it in others and finally, I get used to it. After finishing a book, often an emptiness results and I write nothing. But I have found it is important to just be patient and go about my business and unexpectedly it will happen again. I know it always does. I will sit down again and begin the next book. This way I am never discouraged.

It does not matter if your dreams come true and you do get published, if agents swoon and audiences cheer. Trust me on this: It truly does not matter! What matters is the feeling that you are writing, every day. What matters is the work, diving in, feeling your way in the dark, finding the words, trusting yourself, embracing your weird (german) voice, celebrating your quirks on the page and believing in all of it. What matters is you, all alone on your desk, your favorite place to write, a place where you know who you are and what you are meant to accomplish in this life. Realize that it all depends on you. If you don’t want it, then to hell with it. Reach for what you love with abandon, with hope in your heart, with fragility, without knowing exactly what comes next. Reach and never stop reaching.

One last piece of advice. Whenever you feed your soul and truly savor what you do with your time, it makes it much more likely that your big dreams will come true. Now write and don’t judge the book by its cover.

Little Fires Everywhere

I love lists. Writing them has something satisfying so I will share one of my latest ones here with you but first something pretty big happened in my life the other day which will push me in a new direction. I have always been a person who embraces life and rolls with its punches but the last year and trip around the sun was a rather difficult one for me to swallow. This summer especially has been an interesting, albeit emotional, yet somewhat beautiful season for my son and I but now it is time to move in a new direction.

When I decided to move back to Germany it was one of the greatest birthday gifts I could have given myself. I spent my days walking, meeting friends, popping into my favorite bookstore and discovering new ones. I spent my time reading and soaking up the sun whenever I got a chance. I had no expectations, nowhere to be, and no commitments in place even though my brain worked, in a seemingly relaxed stage, to figure things out for the future. Does this sound like a dream to you? It truly felt like one. This time away from Canada helped me settle much of my pain, stress, worry-state of mind or whatever that was and pushed me forward to say: bring it on, I am ready! Are you curious what else I did? I am learning a new language and will publish my second book in a week or two. Superwoman with superpowers? You bet!

And here is my latest survival list for you if you would like to read:

Mental clarity: Drink a lot of water. Get sun. Practise Yoga. Be nice to the neighbors. Cook from home as often as possible. Read and buy more books. Take care of your skin and go to bed early.

Work hard. Play hard. Work harder. Play harder. In that exact order.

Do things that scare you and make you step out of your comfort zone because this is how you grow.

Whenever in doubt, throw on jeans, a white t-shirt, and TOMS shoes. Done.

Take your time. Relax.

Always go with your guts!

Choose your friends wisely. Surround yourself with people who make you happy.

Singing and dancing to your favorite song will cure any bad mood.

Do not wear too much make-up. It will dry out your skin.

It is okay to admit that you are wrong.

Educate yourself. Pay attention to what is going on in the world around you and form educated opinions. Help others. Donate your time. Sign up for programs at universities.

A hangover is not really worth it but sometimes the party is just too good.

Don’t compare yourself to others.

Get off your stupid phone, go outside, play and live your life.

Learn how to cook and know at least three delicious recipes by heart.

Wear whatever you damn well please and what makes you happy.

Never rub your eyes after chopping jalapeños.

Call your parents/grandparents and tell them you love them.

Keep in mind that the most interesting thing about you is how you look and stop counting calories. Invest in health and wisdom.

The skeletons from your past made you who you are. Don’t regret.

It does not matter what other people think of you.

Don’t ever piss off people who bring you cold, heat, mail or food.

Every woman should own a vibrator.

Try that thing you are curious about no matter what it may be: a new food, a new style, a new hair color, a new hobby, a new career path.

Always speak to your children the way you would like to be spoken to.

Fall down, get up, move on. Rinse, lather, but don’t necessarily repeat.

Live debt-free. The feeling is amazing.

Find the humor in the situation.

Focus on your values instead of your fears.

Accept the past but fight for the future.

Clichés

Google defines cliché as a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought, which is why starting this piece with a definition makes me want to fire myself. I have a lot of opinions about clichés in that I believe most are objectively bad, many are annoyingly true, and a few are real diamonds in the rough. In this piece, I want to get into clichéd language. The topic of clichés has been on my mind since I read about the project The Afterglow; a totally charming exploration of still-operational New York institutions, places, and people.

It got me thinking about what I would want to write about if I contributed, and after a couple of days I realized that most of my ideas had a lot to do with, of course, language. As a writer, I love to listen to people and this is why I write at a café or bar because these are places for great observations.

Every place offers its own classic scenario: from local families celebrating birthdays, to financial meetings to a couple slurping spaghetti with meat sauce while the wife stares sadly in the middle distance looking for the exit sign. Maybe these people have constructed an airtight facade to protect themselves from questions or simply to advertise some message about what they would love to talk about if someone would stop and listen. Maybe they are just lonely. But, if you label someone a cliché, it does not mean you are right, or particularly perceptive. It means you have not bothered to do the work of finding out what lies deeper.

They are not clichés, they are hard-barked people in retreat from the sweetness of their souls – Amy Hempel

Writing is usually a lonely pursuit, and clichés are the brief moments during which our need to be unique is trumped by our need to be understood. After all, I am not a linguist right, right? – elbow into the side to make sure we are all on the same page here. I am sitting at a restaurant with a glass of Chianti and octopus fusilli, and clichés are exactly what I am into and all around me. Let’s unpack some word clichés that are my favorite while I order my second glass.

Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Yes, you can but what is better than an old dog? Tricks are for show-offs anyway. But in any case, this cliché works well when my nephew tries to teach me how to use Snapchat.

Don’t go to bed angry. I think this is a mediocre cliché because as advice, it sucks. Not because it does not contain some valuable advice, but when that advice does not