Broken to Built: After Your Spouse Is Gone

By Colee Q. Bethany

Since we’re not perfect people, it’s difficult to have a perfect marriage. Things happen in a marriage, and people change. Whatever the reason for the divorce, it only matters to God. Whether you are the one who left the marriage, or you are the one left behind, healing from the hurt of divorce is what matters.

In Broken to Built, author Colee Q. Bethany speaks to those who are healing from divorce. Through ample scripture references and Bible stories, she communicates that even while you feel broken, lost, and confused, God is still here. God desires for you to be whole. It’s a process to journey from being a couple to having your individual life again.

Bethany shares that God is ready to comfort those who mourn and give a garment of praise instead of despair. He’s ready to build you up stronger than before

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 16, 2023
• ISBN: 9781664289680

Colee Q. Bethany

***no ATA as per author's request***

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Copyright © 2023 Colee Q. Bethany.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®.

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™

Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-8969-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-8970-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-8968-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023901010

WestBow Press rev. date: 04/27/2023

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Broken

Grieving through Adversity

Trauma: The Hurt Stops Here

Hope through Prayer

Two Sides of the Same Coin: Forgiveness and Repentance

Inventory and Declarations

God Will Supply

The Road to Recovery

Guard Your Heart

The Battle against Wholeness

Built

Reflection and Thanksgiving

Praise Party

Breaking Cycles

Conclusion

Also by Colee Q. Bethany

Voices Lost, Spirit Found: The Journey of Finding Your Voice

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

There are people who come into your life for a reason and for a season. I have been blessed to be surrounded by strong Christian women who know how to pray and praise in season and out of season. I have been blessed to be surrounded by women who uplift and encourage one another. I want to thank the brave women who submitted letters to be included in this book for our edification and support. They have shared a portion of their lives to encourage us that there is life after divorce. They have been through things that we can relate to as we go through the journey from Broken to Built. I thank them so much for being open and unashamed.

When I approached them with the request of writing a letter to their past selves, every single one of them said yes without hesitation. They were excited to be a part of something bigger than themselves and to be able to help someone else going through what they had already gone through. Thank you to Jacqueline Lawrence, Lorrine Garrison-Boyd, Shauna Harrison, and Naomi Drouillard for being a part of this project. Thank you for your support and your prayers. Most of all, thank you for the love that was sent through your letters and through working with me. Thank you, and I love you all!

INTRODUCTION

Marriage can be compared to a wall built around a city in biblical times. There is strength in the wall. There is safety living inside the wall. Many resources and a lot of time go into building the wall. All of your belongings and valuables are placed inside the wall. People who want access to the city have to stop at the gate in the wall and receive permission to enter. There are guards patrolling and protecting the wall. There are masons who do upkeep on the parts of the wall that get worn down or broken. When someone was returning from a long journey, they would be able to see the city walls from a distance. At the mere sight of the wall, they were relieved that they were almost home.

All these attributes of a wall around a city in biblical times can be compared to a marriage. There is strength in a marriage. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate (Mark 10:9). When God stays in the midst of a marriage, there is no stronger bond (Ecclesiastes 4:12). God requires us to draw closer to Him, and He will draw closer to us (James 4:8). There is safety inside a marriage. Our spouses should be someone we can share every detail with without shame or abuse. We should feel safe physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in a marriage. People say you should marry your best friend. We should be able to cover our partner in prayer. Our partners should be able to cover us as well. Safety and stability come when we know that nothing can come between us and we can overcome anything.

Many resources and a lot of time go into building a marriage. We go through the process of dating and getting to know each other to deciding if this is the person we should marry. We go through disagreements and maybe even breaking up and making up. We go through reflecting on our actions and talking about things we disagree with. Time, money, and a range of emotions are invested into the process, no matter how long this part of the journey is. All of our belongings and valuables are inside the marriage. Everything becomes joined together: finances and family (unless we followed the old-school advice and had a secret account just in case).

When we say, I do, we become one with that person. All of their weight becomes our weight. The things we have becomes theirs. In a marriage, the thought shouldn’t be what is mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too or keeping everything separate. If there is a fear that the other person may take advantage of you in any way, we shouldn’t get married yet. Let the trust issues heal before getting married, because they won’t go away just because of marriage.

People need permission to enter into our marriage. People like to speculate and gossip about what is going on in someone else’s life. The two guards protecting the marriage are us and our spouses. If cheating was involved in our marriage, one of the guards allowed that person in. They did not sneak in without someone knowing. Depending on how long the affair continued, the other guard may appear to have abandoned their post. To be completely unaware of a change in our partner’s movements and behaviors shows that we have stopped paying attention and are occupied with other things. There are always telltale signs that something isn’t right, but we may miss them because of whatever else we have going on. When we reflect later on, we can see clearly now what we missed then. We shouldn’t beat ourselves up about missing all the signs. We married that person because we loved and trusted them. We shouldn’t be expected to play super sleuth and look for clues of something being wrong.

The masons who work on the wall are the couple working together to work on the marriage to identify any weak spots and build it up. Masons would sometimes learn new skills to improve their trade. That happens in a marriage as well. Couple’s counseling, marriage therapy, and reading books are ways to improve the marriage and learn new ways to deal with issues in the marriage. Even listening to our spouses better allows us to learn more about our partners and what they like. There’s no such thing as too much communication as long as boundaries are respected. Learning new tools can be used to improve situations that are already working well. People say, Don’t reinvent the wheel, but all of our modern technology wouldn’t exist if everyone thought that way.

When we are away from each other, even if it’s just to go to work, it feels so good to come back together, just like a person returning from a long journey. Our spouses should feel like home. We should be relieved when we see them. We should feel all right about going anywhere else in the world and talking to anyone else, but no one else should feel like home.

The ideal marriage feels this way. This example was the way God intended marriage to be. He intended for marriage to be a safe place for both individuals to be fruitful. Marriage is supposed to strengthen both individuals, so that we can do the work God called us to do in the church and in the secular world. In Proverbs 27:17 the Bible states, Iron sharpens iron. A strong person sharpens another strong person. When one person is weak, they get hurt or offended when the strong person tries to sharpen them. In a marriage, each person is supposed to push the other to do better, to be greater—to sharpen them.