Married for Life: Overcoming the Trials and Tribulations That a Lifetime Can Bring Together

By Dr. Kevin B. Hull

This book is for those who are just starting out on the road to marriage. For those who have been down the road, they will see a benefit, but for those just considering or walking down the road, it will be a guide path to success.

This book, having been commissioned by the State of Texas Marriage Course, sought to develop something deeper than your average marriage book. With divorce on the rise, it would take something greater than just a few short pages. This book answers that call. Regardless of what a young couple is dealing with, this book will answer it. Through his personal life, as well as his professional life of counseling couples through some of their hardest times, this book helps to build, guide, and direct, from a lifetime of sitting with those who have sought out and needed that direction.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 3, 2016
• ISBN: 9781512732528

Dr. Kevin B. Hull

With just under twenty years of marriage, Dr. Hull has experienced a tremendous amount of trials, blessings, and change. He has had the unmatched joy of experiencing three of his five daughters marry, has been blessed with the treasure and wonderment of grandchildren, is preparing to become an “empty-nester” as his youngest daughter is preparing for college, and has lost a daughter, at the tender age of 16 years, to cancer. Dr. Hull draws on the experiences of his personal life, as well as his professional life of ministry, teaching, and counseling that have allowed him to walk couples through some of the hardest challenges life can throw at them. His conversational method of writing will help guide, direct and provide tried and true counsel to couples so they can truly be Married for Life.

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Copyright © 2016 Dr. Kevin B. Hull.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-3253-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-3254-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-3252-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016903177

WestBow Press rev. date: 11/06/2018

CONTENTS

Chapter 1   Your Beautiful And Fulfilling Marriage

Chapter 2   Your Financial Future

Chapter 3   Setting Goals In Your Marriage

Chapter 4   Nut Grass: Dealing With Conflict And Forgiveness

Chapter 5   Velcro: She Is His And He Is Hers

Chapter 6   The Key

Chapter 7   Protecting The Covenant

Conclusion

Why I Failed

To Nancy; in appreciation of our years of marriage and our time together. I honor you and your life and I thank you for your forgiveness and wish you the greatest of blessings and happiness in your new life. ~ Kevin

As we begin this journey together, I thought it appropriate to let you know a little about my background and why I believe this book is so important to the long-lasting success of your marriage. First, I believe that if the principles outlined in this book are put into place in your marriage, you will absolutely increase the longevity of your relationship.

As for me, I’ve been in some form of ministry since 1997. I have taught hundreds of marriage courses using this material and kept up with the longevity of the marriages of the course participants, and there has been great success with couples just like you willing to do the hard work to make it through the tough times. I began this course through the state of Texas, which commissioned premarital classes to be taught in exchange for a reduction in marriage license fees and waiting times for a marriage license among other things. This book is a compilation of these teachings. These courses have been taught to all kinds of people from all types of faiths. They work. As a friend of mine has said, Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way. He is exactly correct, so with that, let’s jump in and see what tools you need to have a long-lasting relationship into your golden years.

Now, you may be living with somebody, or you may not be living together; I’m not concerned about your current living situation, whether you’re dating, engaged, or considering marriage. What you’ll find out is that even after you get married, things change dramatically. And even if you have a rough time on the road to forming a spiritual connection, there are some things that are going to take place after that. What we’re doing today is helping you get into what it takes to be successfully married.

My goal—and I know it’s your goal as well—is to be the best and to read this in total. That means getting old in the years to come, sitting on the back porch, and watching the grandkids playing, doing their own things. That’s one of the greatest things we can see in the future and that we can accomplish in this time together. We are going to talk about budgeting, we are going to talk about sexual issues, we are going to talk about conflict management, and we are going to talk about everything that needs to be dealt with, so that you can close this book and have the tools in your toolbox to be successful.

So, turn the page and let’s start this journey together!

Chapter 1

YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND FULFILLING MARRIAGE

What does your ideal marriage look like? As I have taught this course to a national audience, it has always been fascinating to see how people respond. I have heard everything from master and slave, a friendship, and a partnership to the comment I liked the most. A participant said, I think my idea of an ideal marriage will be that we feel honest and not judged, and that we are caring and constantly support one another in the good times and the bad.

I think that is what every person wants and desires: a successful, till death do us part marriage. You want a trusting relationship where you can be safe just to be yourself as you are, without being guarded or defensive. Then, the other side begins to wonder about the D word. You wonder about longevity and if you will be able to make it through the hard times. Divorce is prevalent in this day and age. We have friends who were married for a number of years and then divorced. They’ve done it for any number of reasons. One of the passions that I have in writing this book is to help overcome those obstacles.

Life says that we are supposed to put on this persona that says to the world that everything is wonderful, marriage is great, and there are no problems here! And many Christians believe that you absolutely can’t reach out for help or even appear to need help because of what the church might think, your witness, your leadership status, and so on. Yet marriages are dying every day for the very reason that people simply are not reaching out for help. And for those who don’t have a church relationship or faith-based belief, it becomes even worse. Thoughts about getting help spiral downward, not knowing the direction they should go. It’s serious, with adultery on the rise and the change in laws regarding homosexual marriage; we are at a different time than we have ever been in the past, and the result is that the traditional definition of marriage is under attack like no other time in the history of humankind. Yet the one thing that has not changed and will not is what God calls marriage: a union between one man and one woman—it truly is that simple. He condemned homosexual behavior. This book comes from that premise and must be understood that this is how we will examine marriage from the healthy relationship standpoint of one man and one woman married for life.

Knowing that the attack on marriage is there, we have to look at our marriages differently. We have to begin to assume attacks are going to happen and that, yes, absolutely there is that support to be successful. But I can promise you that if over time things don’t get corrected, you will begin to look at your spouse and think that life doesn’t resemble that, which will then lead to your subconscious planting thoughts of what life would look like if you were divorced. It is then that you have to stand on the default agreement that needs to be made today that says, "The D word will not be mentioned, thought about, or even considered in this house." In fact, just repeat that to yourself. Believe and confirm it within your heart. It starts there, within your heart. You have to make that determination that you will not entertain the idea of separation—that you decide you will not lay your head on the pillow angry and that, through it all, you will commit as you have through your marriage covenant to stand strong even in the tough times.

It is your parents and grandparents who often set the example for what marriage looks like. And if you look around, you will be able to find people who can assist you with that success. A wedding is a joyous occasion that happens through a covenant for a few minutes of a ceremony, but it’s the lifetime that makes the commitment.

My grandparents died when I was very young, and I think it was my mother’s mother who died when I was five. The result was that I didn’t see marriage modeled through my grandparents. I did see it modeled through my parents.

On the other hand, there are TV shows today that I find absolutely appalling because of what they do to the family. There are different shows, and they make them for different reasons, but some of them don’t resemble what the family looks like from a biblical perspective. And it’s sad for me, because I’ve seen the younger generation grow up with these shows. They are being influenced by what they see on TV, and they think that it’s right and proper for these behaviors to take place. They will begin to think about the social effects of what happens as a result of this—and what happens is divorce.

A 2010 study determined that divorce cost the state of Texas $5.8 billion per year. It happened because all the other departments within the state had to take care of single mothers whose ex-husbands didn’t pay child support. Social programs had to take care of the children because the moms could not provide meals and things of that nature. Poverty has risen. There are more problems within the family today, even within Christian families, than there ever have been before. So many people think that Christian families have it together, and there is no problem with that; however, the reality is that there are more problems with Christian families than with non-Christian families.

There’s an interesting statistic for us to know about. One thing we see taking place within relationships is the presence of hidden secrets that can stop a relationship from moving forward. They are the skeletons in the closet that may come out later. The wise action would be to deal with them now and create a safe environment in which to discuss the issues that may be hidden so that you can move forward correctly and safely. You will have to be open with each other and truly discuss what is hidden within your heart. The reason behind this is simple: what you’re going to deal with today is pretty interesting and it may be tough for some of you, but it must be looked at to move forward. Keep this in mind: the stability of a relationship depends on a firm foundation. That foundation has to be made up of trust, love, and longevity. The only way to build it is to create a stream of open, honest communication for the long haul.

Here’s the first thing that I want you to understand. Your perception of marriage is largely dependent on outside influences. It’s based on what you are seeing. It’s about what you feel. For example, I have a perception of what marriage is like because of my parents, culture, the Bible, and other viewpoints. Basically, I see it through the eyes of others much of the time. Take the marriage vows. Some of you reading this will say, I’m not going to do that! For whatever reason you have just made an inner vow that you are not going to follow through with fulfilling those vows with your spouse. Maybe you saw something with your parents or with a friend, but you go into the marriage saying no. This leads you down a road of destruction from the very beginning.

I’ve seen some couples who stayed married for the kids, but as soon as the kids moved out, they pursued divorce. I’ve seen some kids that after a divorce that has resulted within the house and where parents were committed to stay married, everything turned out to be such an explosive area. It was just egregiously bad. A lot of things happen within us.

Think about it from the standpoint of growing up and being disciplined by your parents. I suspect you all said that when you got older, you weren’t going to treat your kids the way you were treated. Yet you will understand the need for why you do, in fact, discipline your children. And we see the effect of those that don’t discipline there children as well. In the same way, your parents have influenced your thoughts on marriage. Your parents, by default, have said to you what they feel like is correct based on their lifestyle. They may have verbally expressed themselves differently, but subconsciously you have been