Breaking The Bonds Of Adult Child Abuse: A Biblical Textbook On Abusive Narcissistic Families, How They Operate, And How To Deal With Them

By Sister Renee Pittelli

BREAKING THE BONDS OF ADULT CHILD ABUSE:
A BIBLICAL TEXTBOOK ON ABUSIVE NARCISSISTIC FAMILIES, HOW THEY OPERATE, AND HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM

ADULT CHILD ABUSE

*The Only Form of Abuse still tolerated, accepted and condoned in our society.
*The Only Form of Abuse in which it is considered okay for a competent adult to be controlled, exploited, or damaged by someone else.
*The Only Form of Abuse in which the victim is expected to continue suffering indefinitely, criticized for trying to protect herself, judged for escaping from her abuser, and openly discouraged from standing up for herself, talking about it, or revealing the abuse to others.

Where do folks get the idea that Christians have to be meek and mild, silently enduring mistreatment, tolerating anything anybody else does, and timidly standing by while abusers trample all over them and other innocent victims? Since when is it a sin to take a stand and speak out against evil? This is what our abusers want us to believe, and it is nothing but misconceptions and lies.
Do you know that God wants us to confront people who do evil? That he tells us to have nothing further to do with those who will not listen to rebuke? That there is no biblical requirement to forgive the unrepentant? In this book, you will learn about family abusers and their Silent Partners, why they abuse us and why we let them, setting and enforcing limits, godly confrontation, The Law of Sowing and Reaping and letting abusers suffer the Natural Consequences of their own behavior, how to tell if a comment is really a criticism, family jealousy and how to detect if a relative is jealous of you, recognizing and cutting ties with reprobates, improving your family holidays, how to forgive and what forgiveness really means, and what Jesus would REALLY do. Filled with helpful dialogue, this book offers many valuable lessons, including:
*107 Examples of abusive behavior and betrayal
*6 Major No-Nos for mature, independent adults
*26 Reasons why they abuse us, and 55 questions to help us understand why we allow it
*27 Ways to respond to a critic
*35 Empowering Statements for declaring your boundaries and enforcing consequences
*10 Simple Steps for learning to say no and 8 responses for those who aren%u2019t happy about it
*40 Off-Limits Subjects
*38 Signs of a meaningless apology and 17 signs of a meaningful one
*The 21 Rules of No Contact
*102 Questions to ask yourself when you%u2019re trying to decide if you should end a toxic relationship
*5 Strategies for more pleasant holidays with your relatives
*The 7 Biblical Duties of a proper parent
*11 Steps for getting over a lost relationship

Written with empathy, wisdom and understanding, and loaded with scriptural references, this book is an eye-opener that will help you claim your freedom and change your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Mar 6, 2015
• ISBN: 9781478755531

Sister Renee Pittelli

Award-winning author Sister Renee Pittelli is an Adult Child Recovery Mentor, victim’s advocate, and the founder and executive director of Luke 17:3 Ministries for adult children of abusive, controlling or abandoning families. She has written extensively about family and church-family abusers, narcissists, psychopaths and their Silent Partners, judgmental phony “Christians,” the biblical perspective on abuse, boundaries and confrontation, biblical myths such as forgiveness without repentance and honoring abusers, recognizing the children of the devil who disguise themselves as fellow believers, divorcing reprobates, maintaining No Contact, and living the life of freedom and peace our Heavenly Father intended for us.

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INTRODUCTION

This book is for every child abuse survivor whose abusive childhood has never ended. Sisters and Brothers, have you been abused by a parent, sibling, or other relative, and has this abuse continued on into your adulthood? Have you been controlled, manipulated, criticized, insulted, humiliated, betrayed or abandoned by someone you loved? Have you been called names, screamed at, shouted at, or ordered around? Do you have a relative who intrudes, pries into your life and tells you what to do? Do you have a one-way relationship, with you doing all the giving and none of the receiving? Are unreasonable demands or expectations placed upon you? Does your birth-family expect unquestioned obedience, even though you are now an adult?

Have you been threatened with being disowned, cut out of the family or out of the will? Have you been lied to, lied about, gossiped about, cheated, or even stolen from by a family member? Have you been sabotaged, undermined, disrespected, or demeaned? Are you the target of jealousy or envy from a parent or a sibling? Have you been asked or pressured to lie, cover up, keep family secrets, or do anything else that makes you uncomfortable? Are you always taking care of others at your expense, while your needs are constantly ignored? Have your spouse or your children been hurt by, or witnessed abuse from, your relatives?

Have you tried to set boundaries with your abusive relative, only to have him refuse to accept responsibility, deny, blame you, or escalate his abuse? Have you felt it necessary to limit or avoid contact with this person in order to protect yourself, your wife, your husband, or your children? Were you put in the difficult position of having to confront a sick or elderly relative? When you began standing up for yourself, did your family member stop speaking to you rather than stop abusing you?

Have you been criticized, judged, betrayed, or abandoned by other family members for finally standing up for yourself? Do other relatives justify, rationalize, or even defend the abuser’s behavior? Did these same people tolerate and accept your abuser’s evil, standing by silently while you were victimized, possibly for many years- and now the only disapproval they have ever voiced is aimed at you, for trying to protect yourself?

For those of us who were raised in this kind of family, surrounded by abusers and their enablers our whole lives, this combination circus / horror show atmosphere can seem almost normal. Yet when we read these words in black and white, we are shocked at how bad they actually sound. Those who have normal, loving families find it difficult to understand the distress, anxiety and heartache we have lived with.

At first I did not understand the reasons why I survived almost forty-seven years of control, abuse, and neglect by my birth-family- only to be cut off entirely when, in an effort to protect myself from the serious stress-related health problems I was developing, I finally started to set some limits. The pain of knowing they did not care about how their behavior was affecting me, and the anger and grief of their abandonment after all I had done for them and all the years I had spent trying to please them, was very traumatic. However, in Romans 8:28 we are told, ­AND WE KNOW THAT IN ALL THINGS GOD WORKS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM (NIV). It took me several years to begin to understand the depth of the meaning of that scripture in my life. At first, I only noticed how much better my life truly was without my abusive relatives. I felt relief at not having to deal with evil people all the time. I began to feel peace in my heart, and joy at my newfound freedom.

But, more importantly, my relationship with our heavenly Father was growing greatly. When I was no longer in bondage to people I once thought I needed to have in my life, I was able to appreciate and seek a much deeper relationship with the Lord. I have learned to tell him what is in my heart and to lean on him, and he has always gotten me through and never let me down. He has been with me every minute of my life, even when I didn’t know it. He was there from the beginning, always taking care of me. But I couldn’t see it because of my involvement with the ungodly, which constantly occupied too much of my attention and energy. Unlike our self-centered, compassionless and malicious earthly parents, our real Father’s vast love for his children is beyond our ability to comprehend.

These were mighty revelations for me, and God began to use me to minister to other Adult Children of controlling, abusive, or abandoning birth-families. He put on my heart to share my testimony and the testimonies of others with those who are sorrowful and stressed, bound to their abusive families with the invisible chains of ungodly obligation and unwarranted guilt. He showed me how his Word is often misused and twisted to allow evil people to continue damaging those who love them, and how it is frequently misinterpreted to make victims feel trapped and hopeless, instead of giving them the hope and freedom from bondage which it is meant to impart.

In 2002, the Lord led me to start Luke 17:3 Ministries for adult daughters of abusive families of origin. I didn’t know where to begin, but our Father guided me and removed every obstacle. Since then, Luke 17:3 Ministries has grown tremendously, we have ministered to both adult daughters and adult sons, our website has been logged onto from all over the world and in dozens of languages, and we are reaching more and more survivors every day. Praise God!

I want to assure you that you are not alone, and that no matter what happens in your relationships with your abusive and enabling relatives, you will never be without a family. You are a beloved Sister or Brother in the family of God. You have the most wonderful parent there ever was, the only parent you will ever need. Jesus teaches us, AND DO NOT CALL ANYONE ON EARTH ‘FATHER,’ FOR YOU HAVE ONE FATHER, AND HE IS IN HEAVEN (Matthew 23:9 NIV). You are his child, his treasured son or daughter, and he loves you! He will cherish you, protect you, comfort you, forgive you, teach you, and care for you. He knows what you need before you ask him (Matthew 6:8). He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6; Joshua 1:5). He will provide for your every need.

He has sent his beloved Son Jesus, to teach you his Word, to save you by his precious blood, and to open the gates of heaven for you, so that you will spend eternity with him in glory! Jesus is our King and Lord, but he is also your brother (Mark 3:35; Matthew 12:50), your father (Mark 5:34), and your friend (John 15:14-16). By the grace of the Lord Jesus will you stand, no matter what comes against you (Hebrews 13:5-6). You do not even have to worry about how to defend yourself, or what to say, for the Holy Spirit will give you the words you need at the right time (Luke 12:11-12).

This book is the next step in God’s plan for his ministry. I pray that it will bless you, encourage you, support you, and give you hope. I also pray that the details of my own personal stories and the testimonies of other survivors will be a valuable study tool and give you insight into the wiles of narcissists and psychopaths and how they operate. While you are reading, you may feel a little overwhelmed at times. It can be painful and very draining as you start to learn about and process these testimonies and your own victimization. It’s a lot to absorb all at once. I encourage you to read a little at a time, and then take a break and come back to it later. Be gentle with yourself as you begin your journey of recovery and healing.

Our God is faithful and his grace is sufficient for all our needs (2 Corinthians 12:9). Praise his holy Name! My prayer for you is that you will come to know your real Father in a deep and meaningful way, and that he will abundantly bless your life with the peace, joy and love that only he can provide. Glory to God!

Part 1

BIRTH-FAMILY ABUSES OF ADULT CHILDREN

An abusive birth-relative is most often a parent, but can also be a sibling, grandparent, cousin, aunt or uncle. When I refer to abusive, controlling, or abandoning birth-families, I mean your family of origin- the family who raised you and who was supposed to love, protect, care for and cherish you. This includes adoptive families, stepfamilies, and foster families.

There are a number of behaviors that can be considered abusive, but many times we don’t think of them as abusive, simply because we have been raised experiencing these behaviors from a relative whom we have known all of our lives. We think of his conduct as normal, because it is all we have ever known from him.

Because we love this person, we tend to overlook the hurtful things he does and says. We have also been trained since childhood to ignore or make excuses for his abuse by other relatives who are in denial or who protect the abuser (see Part 3- The Silent Partner and The Silent Majority). A family member’s own abusive childhood, past history, bad marriage, war experiences, alcoholism, addictions, personality disorders, psychological problems, and other reasons for evil behavior might help us to understand him, but they should never be used as an excuse to justify his abuse of others. Whether he chooses to get help for his issues or not, he does not have the right to inflict them on anyone else.

Sometimes, we don’t realize that we are actually being abused until we compare our family with someone else whose family does not behave in an abusive or controlling manner. Any behavior which attempts to control you is abuse, simply because adults do not control other adults. When any given behavior causes you stress on a regular basis or begins to undermine your self-esteem, it has crossed the line into abuse.

The list is endless, and space only permits me to go into depth on a few of these abuses in this book. However, here are some of the more common examples of abusive behavior, which are pretty self-explanatory:

Criticism

Manipulation

Controlling

Humiliation

Betrayal

Insults

Undermining self-confidence

Guilt-trips

Name-calling

Disrespect

Intruding

Unreasonable expectations

Treating you like a child

Telling you what to do

Unloving

Demeaning

Ignoring your boundaries

Not respecting your privacy

Refusing to accept or be nice to your spouse

Demanding an unreasonable amount of time or attention

Temper tantrums

Raging at you

Trying to intimidate you

Lying, dishonesty

Stealing from you or cheating you

Freeloading off you

Being judgmental

Raising their voices at you

Not willing to give as much as they take

Trying to bribe you

Threatening

Disowning

Making demands

Interfering

Lecturing

Browbeating

Harassing you until you agree with them

Breaking promises

Sabotage

Pressuring

Gaslighting

Snide comments

Abandoning

Giving orders, demanding obedience

Expecting you to take care of them, sacrifice for them, or solve their problems

One-way relationship- expecting you to sacrifice for them, while they ignore your needs

Instigating trouble between family members

Selfishness

Playing favorites between you and your siblings, or your children and your siblings’ children

Prying

Pressuring you to lie, cover up, or keep family secrets

Hostility

Picking fights

Screaming

Belittling

Sarcasm

Using you or exploiting you

Complaining about you to other people

Trying to turn other people against you

Trying to discredit you with other people, so no one will believe you

Denial

Taking advantage

Doing something to ruin your or your children’s big days or happy occasions

Whining or using tears to get their own way

The Silent Treatment

Making scenes in public or in front of your children

Pressuring you to take sides with them against other relatives

Blaming you for whatever they’re unhappy about

Blaming you or others for whatever they do wrong

Insensitivity

Inconsideration

Hurtfulness

Uncaring

Comparing you unfavorably to others, or comparing your children or spouse unfavorably to others

Minimizing your feelings

Forcing themselves or their desires on you

Nastiness

Mocking you

Belligerence

Cruelty

Mind-games

Making you doubt your perceptions

Emotional blackmail

Pouting

Gossiping about you

Sadism- taking pleasure in seeing you get hurt or upset

Negative remarks about your weight, appearance, intelligence, abilities, taste, personality, etc.

Any kind of sexual abuse, including making inappropriate or vulgar comments

Any kind of physical abuse, slapping, hair-pulling, kicking, throwing something at you, or touching you in any unwelcome way

Refusing to apologize when they do wrong

Refusing to stop hurtful behavior when asked to

Because abusers tend to have pretty extensive and varied repertoires, the list could go on even longer, but I think you get the idea. In the following chapters, we will discuss just a few of the most common abuses of Adult Children in more detail.

1

WHEN IS IT EVER GOING TO BE MY TURN?

THE EXPLOITATION HABIT:

IF YOU START IT, THEY WILL COME

GIVE NOT THAT WHICH IS HOLY UNTO THE DOGS, NEITHER CAST YE YOUR PEARLS BEFORE SWINE, LEST THEY TRAMPLE THEM UNDER THEIR FEET, AND TURN AGAIN AND REND YOU….Matthew 7:6 KJV.

TESTIMONIES OF THE USED AND ABUSED

SISTER LAURIE

Laurie and Patty are sisters who were born and raised in New York State. Laurie is older than Patty by two years. Both sisters married and had their children while living within a few miles of their childhood home. When Patty was twenty-six, she moved to Maryland with her husband and children. Immediately she began taking less and less responsibility for family get-togethers, holidays, birthday celebrations and regular visits, while Laurie and their mother took up the slack and shared these obligations between them. Patty lived in Maryland for almost ten years and only hosted two family celebrations in all that time, although she did continue to drive back to New York with her family for most of the holidays at her mother or sister’s houses.

As the years passed, their mother became less and less interested in doing the work involved in hosting a family gathering, and more and more of the responsibility for getting the family together fell on Laurie’s shoulders. Then Patty and her family moved to North Carolina, and a few years later, to Florida. By this time, Patty had not hosted her birth-family at her house in many years. Now she went from visiting rarely to almost never. Once every two or three years, she would make it back to New York for a holiday at Laurie’s house. She did not bother coming back for any family events, including Laurie’s 40th birthday, their father’s 60th birthday or his retirement party, their parents’ 40th anniversary, or any of Laurie’s kids’ graduations, although she did send cards and gifts. All of the planning, work, and expenses for these events fell on easy-going, uncomplaining Laurie. Patty did not even offer to contribute financially to the parties for their parents.

As Laurie and her husband neared retirement and their kids went off to college, they began to talk about living out their lifelong dream of moving to Vermont. They loved the lifestyle and the beauty of rural Vermont, plus they knew they would have trouble making ends meet on their pensions if they stayed in New York.

At first, her parents and Patty didn’t seem to take them too seriously. But as the time for retirement drew closer and they began shopping for property in Vermont, Laurie sensed her family’s resentment brewing. Occasionally there was a snide comment or some type of discouragement, but at first Laurie thought it must be her imagination. After all, her sister had moved away to live her life the way she wanted to, and where she wanted to, decades ago. Surely after all the years Laurie had spent in New York, including their parents in all her happy family events, sacrificing and working so hard to make gatherings and holidays so nice for them, Patty and their parents could not possibly begrudge Laurie her turn at fulfilling her dreams.

While Patty had been able to live well and save money all those years in less-expensive locations, Laurie had struggled and sacrificed financially to stay in New York and be close to her parents. She could not afford to retire in New York, too. While Patty removed her children from their grandparents at a young age, Laurie had always made sure her parents were a part of her children’s lives, so that they would have the pleasure of a relationship with their grandchildren. Now Laurie’s kids were out of the house and away at college. She reasoned that they would be seeing much less of their grandparents anyway, and she fantasized about having big, happy family holidays in beautiful Vermont, when her kids would be off from school and her parents would drive up to join them.

Laurie and Patty’s parents were in their early sixties. They were healthy, active, athletic, and vital. They traveled and kept busy. They did not need any type of care. Laurie knew she would be only a few hours away if there was an emergency- much closer than Patty was. Laurie and her husband offered to buy a house in Vermont that would accommodate all of them if her parents wanted to join them and move as well, but her parents declined. She assured her parents that they would always be welcome to visit and stay as long as they wanted, but they replied that they were getting too old to travel. Still clinging to her dream of picture-perfect New England family holidays, and willing to do whatever she could to make it happen, Laurie offered to drive to New York, pick up her parents, take them to her house, and then drive them home again if that would make it easier for them to visit. She felt hurt and bewildered when her parents turned her down flat, and repeated that they really weren’t up to traveling anymore. It was as if they were punishing her for moving, by making it known that if she did, she wasn’t going to be seeing much of them anymore.

Laurie and her husband were determined not to be blackmailed into giving up their dream. There was no rational reason for her parents to prevent them from enjoying their retirement on their own terms. Up until now, Laurie’s parents had never directly confronted her about their feelings concerning her move, but they managed to make their displeasure known in a passive-aggressive manner. Laurie did all she could to reassure them, and hoped that their apparent upset would eventually blow over.

Laurie and her husband retired, and they bought land in Vermont and began building their dream home. They put their New York house up for sale. When Laurie’s family saw that their tactics weren’t working, and that Laurie and her husband fully intended to follow through with their retirement plans, they really turned up the pressure. Patty began picking fights with Laurie over many things, most of them trivial and insignificant, and accused Laurie point-blank of deserting their parents. She complained about Laurie and maliciously gossiped about her to other family members, who, for some incredible reason (most likely because they didn’t want to have to start inviting Laurie’s parents for the holidays if she really did move away!), agreed with Patty and began ostracizing Laurie and her husband and children.

Laurie’s parents and Patty were on the phone to each other and to the other relatives several times a week, badmouthing Laurie and her husband. They fed off each other, validated each other’s completely unjustified anger, and encouraged one another to say and do things to hurt Laurie and to register their disapproval. Those who had never lifted a finger to ease Laurie’s family obligations in all those years now felt they had the right to criticize her. But no one suggested anything constructive, such as offering to look in on her parents more frequently in her absence, or agreeing to invite them for some of the holidays. No one stopped to think about how unfair they were all being. No one cared in the least about Laurie’s feelings or Laurie’s needs.

Laurie’s parents became very resentful. For the last year that Laurie lived in New York, they turned down every invitation to her house. They spent the holidays with neighbors and avoided many opportunities to spend quality time together as a family before the big move. Laurie and her husband moved at the end of May, and her mother refused to spend Laurie’s last Mother’s Day in New York with her and her family, choosing instead to go to a distant relative’s house. Laurie’s parents withdrew their love and support and created a rift where there didn’t have to be one. It was almost as if they were saying, Ha! We’ll show her! We don’t need her- we’ve got plenty of other people in our lives!

Eventually Patty stopped speaking to Laurie altogether. On the day that Laurie moved, her parents did not even come over to say goodbye. No family member ever wished her well. No one ever showed a shred of gratitude for all the family functions she had hosted, or everything she had done to hold the family together and to keep her parents in their grandchildren’s lives for all of those years.

The unbelievable ending to this whole story is that the year after Laurie moved, her parents bought a condo in Florida near Patty, and now they spend the winters there. For people who were getting too old to travel three hundred miles to see Laurie in Vermont, they don’t seem to have any problem driving almost three thousand miles round trip back and forth to Florida. The one speck of justice here is that Patty finally has to take some responsibility for hosting the holidays, now that her parents are a just few miles away from her for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s.

And so Laurie became an outcast from a large part of her family, just because she finally followed her dream. After all the years she spent doing for everybody else, when was it supposed to be Laurie’s turn? Never, if it was up to her self-centered birth-family.

But, praise God, the Lord sets the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6). Laurie has grown much closer to several cousins and their families, whom she didn’t see much of when they were all kids because their parents weren’t on speaking terms. She has a wonderful church family and has made many friends in her new town, and she still cherishes several very old and close friendships. Best of all, her children have now married and she has been blessed with grandchildren. She has a great relationship with her own children and babysits her grandchildren frequently. Although she was very hurt by her birth-family’s cruelty, the Lord has healed her and blessed her life. And it is Laurie’s selfish parents who are now missing out on their great-grandchildren, and Patty, who was never one to make friends easily or form close relationships, who now feels the loss of not having a sister.

SISTER JANICE

Janice is fifty-six years old and has an older brother, Roy, who is fifty-nine. Janice is divorced and works full time. Roy is retired and spends his days playing golf and fishing. They both live within ten minutes of their widowed seventy-eight-year-old mother, but all these years the sole responsibility for taking Mom to the doctor, dentist, pharmacy, hairdresser, food shopping, clothes shopping, gift shopping, and wherever else she needed to go, has been Janice’s.

Janice was recently diagnosed with a serious, life-threatening illness. She will require numerous doctor’s visits, various and debilitating treatments, and at least one surgery. Roy’s reaction to finding out about his sister’s frightening health problems? You should still be able to take Mom on her errands, right? was the first thing out of his mouth. And it hasn’t gotten much better since.

Not only has Roy not offered to take Janice to the doctor, or even to the hospital for her surgery, but he never even offered to do some grocery shopping for their mother. Only after an upsetting confrontation did Janice get him to grudgingly agree to help their mother out a little while Janice was going through her own health problems. And Janice has had to rely on the kindness of friends and neighbors to get her to the hospital and doctor’s appointments, and to take care of her during her recuperation.

After a lifetime of devoting herself to taking care of their mother’s every need, and now that Janice’s life is threatened by her own serious health problems, it would seem reasonable for it to be Janice’s turn to be taken care of. At the very least, she should be allowed to concentrate on her own health without having to worry about anything or anyone else. But selfish Roy’s only concern is how his sister’s possibly terminal illness is going to affect him, and his leisure time.

SISTER CAMILLE

Camille and Ben married young and were always devoted to their families. For twenty years, they hosted Thanksgiving dinner for over forty relatives at their house. After seventeen years of marriage, Camille and Ben were finally blessed with a child. Their baby, Emily, was born in October. And even though they were exhausted from having a newborn infant, they still hosted Thanksgiving dinner a few weeks later. No one in either of their families offered to have the holiday at their house, or was considerate enough to help out more than usual because of the new baby. This should have been a gigantic clue for Camille and Ben. But they were just so happy, they didn’t allow any negative thoughts to rain on their parade.

Within the next year tragedy struck, and Ben was diagnosed with cancer. They struggled to maintain a normal life through his treatments. Camille wanted to make him as happy as possible and help him spend as much time as he could with their daughter and their families. For the next three years, they continued to host Thanksgiving dinner for all the relatives- and everyone just took it for granted that they would.

Ben passed away in early November. A devastated Camille, left alone with her little girl to raise, buried her beloved husband two weeks before Thanksgiving. And then she and her daughter sat home alone on Thanksgiving, crying their eyes out all day. Not because they wanted to, but because not a single one of the forty-plus relatives who had spent the holiday at Camille’s house and ate the dinners she had prepared for the last twenty years invited Camille and Emily to join them for Thanksgiving, two weeks after Ben died.

When Camille first told me her testimony, I could hardly believe it. I thought for sure there had to have been some misunderstanding- like maybe that her family didn’t want to bother her while she was in mourning, or thought that it would upset her to have Thanksgiving at someone else’s house right after Ben’s death. However, Emily is now fifteen years old. And never once in all those years have any of these more than forty freeloading family members asked her and Camille to join them for Thanksgiving dinner. Or any other holiday, for that matter. Maybe they’re not up to cooking a big dinner, but consider that every one of these relatives has continued to celebrate the holidays in one way or another- either in small groups, by going out to a restaurant, by ordering in pizza, or whatever- and still not one has invited Camille and Emily to join them.

I am so personally appalled and disgusted by the incredible lack of caring that Camille’s family has shown for the person who single-handedly made so many of their holidays so nice, that I can’t even think of words to express my thoughts. Their cruelty and selfishness is just disgraceful.

Camille’s neighbors were horrified to learn afterward that she and Emily were alone on that first Thanksgiving. Everyone had just assumed that they would be spending the holidays with family, and that their family would step up to comfort them and make sure they weren’t alone. The neighbors are determined to make sure nothing like that ever happens again, and ever since, Camille and Emily have been blessed to be included in their generous neighbors’ celebrations. But as far as we know, the family full of ungrateful freeloaders has never even suffered a pang of guilt.

SISTER SARAH

Sarah has three children and is going through a very acrimonious divorce. She lives in the same town as her sister Beth, whose children are older. When Beth’s children were in grade school, she asked Sarah if she could put her down as an emergency contact on their school records. Sarah did not hesitate to say yes.

There were many times over the years that Sarah had to pack up her young children in bad weather and drive to the school to pick up one of Beth’s children, who had gotten sick or injured. Sarah’s kids would then catch whatever illness Beth’s child introduced into their home, and Sarah would have three sick kids to deal with for the next week or so.

When Sarah’s youngest child began kindergarten, Sarah took a part-time job to help make ends meet. Several times she was called to leave work for one of Beth’s children, sacrificing her wages for the rest of the day and jeopardizing her job. Yet she never complained, and prided herself on being there for her sister and her family when they needed her.

Because of the financial fallout from her divorce, Sarah now must work full time. Beth’s children are older and more independent, and Sarah’s are now in grade school and junior high. Sarah is now in the position where she needs Beth to return the favor she did for her all those years. The only job she was able to get is almost an hour away, and she needs to list Beth, who is now the one with the part-time local job, as the emergency contact for her kids.

One would think that, under the circumstances, of course it is now Sarah’s turn to depend upon her sister. Anticipating her sister’s appreciation for all the years she had helped her, Sarah naturally assumed that Beth would be understanding and more than glad to help her out in return. Sarah was in for a shock when Beth refused, claiming that she could not afford to lose any time from work.

SISTER THERESA

Theresa and Danielle are first cousins who had been close since birth. Their family is dysfunctional and abusive in many ways, and the cousins had always been able to confide in and comfort each other. Over the years, their relationship evolved from being fairly two-sided to being pretty much one-sided. Danielle has become a drama queen who seems to have problems in every aspect of her life, and Theresa has become her patient and long-suffering shoulder to cry on. Theresa devotes hours to listening to Danielle complain and vent about her job, her children, her parents, her hairdresser, her car, her financial problems, her marriage, and her seemingly endless variety of minor health problems. But Theresa, who has serious health problems of her own and other major issues she is dealing with, almost never gets a chance to talk about what is going on with her.

Danielle is not interested in taking any advice, and even ignores the advice she asks for. Every real and acute issue in her life, rather than being solved and coming to an end, becomes a chronic issue, ongoing for months or years. She never does anything constructive to change whatever is upsetting her. Problems that other people would change without a second thought, Danielle does nothing to fix or improve. She does not like her hairdresser, for example, and complained about her for almost three years before finally making up her mind to definitely change to another one. She got several good recommendations from people she knew, and was all fired up to find someone she would be happy with. She was going to make her very next appointment with someone new! Theresa was relieved that she could finally stop hearing all the complaints about Danielle’s hairdresser. That was two years ago, and Danielle is still having her hair done by the same woman. Similar scenarios have played themselves out with Danielle’s dentist, veterinarian, job, church, and volunteer work. Dissatisfactions in her life drag on endlessly, while she refuses to do anything about them but complain.

Theresa spent many years patiently giving Danielle all the attention she demanded, and rarely, if ever, getting to talk about herself or her own problems. Then one day, Theresa found herself in the middle of a huge life-crisis of her own. This situation was all-consuming, and despite doing all she could do to end it, Theresa found that the problem continued for several months. During this time, she was unable to devote the same amount of attention to Danielle. It was Theresa’s turn to need her cousin’s support and encouragement. Even if Theresa had not spent years as Danielle’s agony aunt, showing love and caring for a family member who needed her was the least Danielle could do. Of course, we could expect Danielle to step up and be there for Theresa, right? Wrong.

Danielle made a weak and perfunctory show of empathizing with Theresa’s plight during the first few weeks of her crisis. She would utter a few quick words of sympathy, and then promptly turn every conversation back to herself. But as Theresa’s personal crisis dragged on, Danielle became impatient and resentful that Theresa could not give her all the time and attention she had in the past. All pretense of sympathy for her cousin vanished as Danielle became more and more demanding, and selfishly burdened Theresa with accusations of neglect at a time when there was nothing she could do about it. When Theresa most needed Danielle’s love, comfort and support, what she got instead was guilt-mongering, hostility, and an ugly confrontation.

Now Theresa’s emergency situation is over and her life has settled down, but her relationship with Danielle has not recovered, and probably never will. During her crisis, Theresa had no choice but to set limits on her contact with the attention-demanding Danielle, and Danielle resented that. When they do speak, Theresa is painfully aware that nothing has changed. Their conversations are still ninety-nine percent about Danielle. Theresa finds herself wondering when it is ever going to be her turn to get Danielle’s undivided attention and support. If it wasn’t forthcoming during her huge life-crisis, then chances are it will never be.

SISTER MARYANN

When Maryann’s father died, her widowed mother came to live with her. Maryann and her husband Mike built an apartment for mom onto their house. Mom was in her early sixties, in good health, and still drove her car. She just didn’t want to live alone.

Although mom had her own kitchen, she ate almost all of her meals with Maryann and her family. Although mom had her own living room, she sat in Maryann’s living room to watch TV every night- and then became irritated if the family was not watching a show that she liked. If Maryann needed to have a personal conversation with her husband, one of her children, or a friend, she would leave the room. But mom would find excuses to keep interrupting her so she could listen in. If Maryann was on the telephone, mom would sit right next to her, pretending to read the paper and making sure she overheard every word. She meddled in Maryann’s life and criticized her housekeeping. Maryann and her family willingly gave up a great deal of their family life and all of their privacy to keep mom with them. They basically supported mom, never charging her for rent, utilities, or food. Mom was only responsible for her own car, medical bills (she had health insurance), and personal expenses.

For Maryann and Mike’s 30th wedding anniversary, their adult children, who were now scattered across the country, chipped in and booked them on a ten-day cruise. Maryann and Mike were overjoyed. They had not had a vacation in many years, and certainly never anything so nice. They were such giving and loving people, who certainly deserved a nice break. You’d think their family would be happy for them, right? Wrong again!

Mom was adamant that she would not stay in the house alone. And although it was her place to call her other children and ask them to take over for the ten days that Maryann would be gone, she refused. Since she had put a roof over her mother’s head for more than seven years, with no contribution in either time or money from either of her siblings, Maryann felt justified in calling her brother and sister, who both lived nearby. How could anyone begrudge her a few days of pleasure and relaxation? After all the years that Maryann and Mike had sacrificed their own lives to take care of Mom, never asking for any help from mom’s other kids, surely Maryann’s siblings would be glad to pitch in with mom so that Maryann and her husband could go on this beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime cruise, and enjoy some privacy and quality time together. You think so? Well, guess again!

When Maryann asked if they would take care of mom while she was gone, both her brother and her sister refused. Not quite absorbing that they didn’t intend to contribute in even the smallest way to making her dream vacation possible, Maryann suggested several compromises. She asked them to take turns hosting mom at each of their homes for a few days while she was away, and both still refused. Then she asked if they would come and stay at her house with mom. Again, they both refused. The excuses were many- no time, prior commitments, spouse won’t allow it, we like our privacy. And to top it all off, both siblings were critical of Maryann for even considering leaving mom alone and doing something nice for herself and her husband for a change.

After much aggravation and heartache, Mike and their kids convinced Maryann to just go- and leave it up to mom and sis and brother to decide what they were going to do. It would not have been fair to the kids not to go on the beautiful cruise they had paid for, and it certainly would not be fair to Mike, who had always been so good-natured and generous about his mother-in-law living with him. Reluctantly, Maryann agreed, and announced that they were going, no matter what.

Although she made every effort to enjoy herself on her cruise, Maryann could not help but fret about what was going on at home and how mom was doing. Thoughts of her birth-family’s resentment and disapproval, and the cold shoulder they gave her when she left, intruded frequently. Instead of having the carefree, wonderful time she deserved, her vacation was all but ruined by unjustified guilt feelings and worry about whether she had caused permanent damage to her relationship with her birth-family. When was it ever going to be Maryann’s turn to enjoy having something nice done for her? Never, if it was up to her selfish birth-relatives.

WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE???

At times like these, a normal person would have to ask, What on earth is going on here?! Yes, these are all true testimonies, and every one of us knows of at least one or two such stories, perhaps in our own families. How can family members have absolutely no concern or consideration whatsoever for one of their own who has given to them so unselfishly and for so many years? How can they use and exploit someone who loves them? How can they hurt someone who takes care of them? Why do they expect a giving person to keep on giving and giving forever, without ever getting anything in return? Why would they insist that someone who has already sacrificed so much for them should endanger her own health or well-being in order to continue sacrificing? Why would anyone begrudge a loved one a little pleasure or a little joy?

Where is the appreciation for all the Giver has done and is continuing to do? You can look forever, but you will not find it. Where is the family loyalty? Where is the love and caring? The using, abusing, selfishness, and exploitation range from disheartening to downright outrageous.

When can the person who always did for everyone else expect someone to do for her? When the family Giver needs help, who is there to help her? The answer is nobody. Does no one feel that they owe her even a small debt of gratitude? When does the caretaker get taken care of? The answer is never. Not only is no one interested in taking care of the caretaker, they don’t even want her to take care of herself! Not if it means taking time away from them and their desires. The caretaker is expected to be like that bunny with the long-lasting batteries, full of endless energy, always running to help everyone else, always sacrificing, neglecting her own needs and her own health, never taking a rest or a vacation, never fulfilling any of her own dreams. Exploitative relatives are surprised to hear that she even has any dreams, because they never actually see her as a person. She is there only to be used by them for their purposes, not to have any desires or needs of her own. This warped Cinderella story is played out in family after family. Again, we have to ask ourselves, What on earth is going on here?

GIVERS, TAKERS, AND FAMILY DYNAMICS: WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?

Remember when we were children, how our parents taught us to take turns and share? In fact, they insisted on it. Back then, it was important to our parents not to raise selfish kids. But now that we are adults, for some reason our parents don’t seem to mind if some of their kids are selfish, as long as at least one isn’t, so their needs and wants will still be taken care of.

When you were growing up, your parents assigned chores. They made it clear that everyone was expected to contribute to the family and to pull their own weight. Didn’t they insist that you be responsible and do what was expected of you- go to school, keep your grades up, help out around the house, babysit your little brother, work part-time, pay some of your own expenses? Back then, nobody wanted the embarrassment of raising a bum. But that doesn’t seem to bother the folks now.

In fact, the very parents who raised you to do your share, take turns, and pull your own weight, now don’t want to do their share. And they don’t mind it if your siblings don’t do their share, either. What’s more, they think you are wrong for expecting it! Whatever happened to Share with your sister, or, Now let your brother have a turn? We were raised to share and take turns, but now we are the troublemakers for expecting everybody to share and take turns! When did everything change? Where did we go wrong?

In this chapter, I am not going to analyze what our families are doing wrong in detail- how they may have always spoiled the younger children and expected the oldest to do all the work; how they only want to take turns and share the good things, like ice cream and toys, and not the bad things, like chores and responsibilities; how they always had a favorite child who got away with everything; how birth order dooms you to be the only dependable family member for the rest of your life. Much is already written about these things and is available online and in other books.

The sad fact is that they aren’t going to change. So, analyzing our families’ motivations, personalities and character deficiencies is pretty much a waste of time for the purposes of this discussion. Instead, I will concentrate on analyzing us- you and me- and just what it is about us that makes people walk all over us. If we want to stop being taken advantage of, we are the ones who have to change what we’re doing. We have to break the old patterns and relate to our birth-relatives in new ways. They have no motivation to change. They like everything just fine the way it is, since it benefits them. That means they are going to fight to maintain the status quo. We are the ones who desire change; therefore, we are the ones who have to implement it.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS.....

Every member of every family has a role to play: some are the serious ones, some are the comedians, some are the wise ones that others go to for advice, some are the ones who tend to take on a lot of responsibility (the Givers), and some are those who happily let them (the Takers). In non-abusive families, things are reasonably equitable, and relatives try to be considerate, be fair, and maintain give-and-take relationships. In normal families, although each person still has a role, the roles are flexible as circumstances change. The Giver might be the one cooking every family dinner most of the time, but if the Giver gets the flu or goes away on a ski trip, those who normally eat the dinners will cheerfully take over and cook for a change. It is natural for them to give the Giver a break, and also to care for the Giver in return, when the need arises.

The difference with abusive families is that the roles they have are rigid and unchanging, no matter what. With selfish people, who take advantage of and exploit others for their own ends, once you allow yourself to take on the role of Family Giver, that will be your assigned position in the family for life- and you will be giving until it hurts. Not only will your family fail to do anything for you in return, they will also resist you doing anything for yourself. Don’t plan on taking a dream vacation, retiring and relocating, getting sick, going back to college, or doing anything else for yourself- especially if it will interfere with being a slave to your relatives.

I have heard numerous testimonies from Adult Children who have gotten up out of their sick beds to do favors for family members, or who hosted major holidays within a couple of weeks of having major surgery. The selfish demands of narcissistic relatives know no bounds. There seem to be few limits on how far they will go. One could almost imagine lying in a hospital bed, deathly ill, and having one of them call you up and demand that you come home to take her shopping!

I speak from personal experience when I say that any attempt on your part to give up some of the giving, once the habit is entrenched, will result in hostility, resentment, escalating demands, and possibly end with some of your relatives not speaking to you. There is no logic to it, there will be no sense of fairness, and you will not be able to reason with them because they will be completely irrational. In their minds, this is the way we’ve always done things, this is the way it’s always been, and this is the way it’s going to stay! You have no right to change anything.

That is not to say that you shouldn’t change anything, just because your selfish relatives aren’t going to like it. If you find yourself caught in this role far longer than you signed on for, and want and need to make some changes, then by all means go for it. There are no slaves anymore, and it’s time you enjoyed the freedom you deserve and which is your birthright as a child of God. Just be forewarned and prepared for the fallout from those selfish relatives, but don’t let it stop you. It’s never too late to make some changes and enjoy some of your own life.

Learn to set and enforce limits and boundaries (see Part 4- Setting And Enforcing Limits And Boundaries) and get some supportive therapy to get you over the hump. Learn to live with your family’s disapproval (you’ve been doing it for most of your life anyway, haven’t you?), say Oh, well, and move on. If your relatives only love you because you allow them to use you, then you are better off without them. Exploitation is not love. Domination is not love. Truly loving relationships do not break up because a giving person needs to take care of herself for a change, or expects a little in return once in a while.

TWO KINDS OF TAKERS

The first kind of Taker is the person who has always been a Taker. There are no