When a Narcissistic Parent Dies: Expanded Version

By Cynthia Bailey-Rug

Losing a narcissistic parent is not only painful and difficult, but also filled with complicated emotions and circumstances.

"When a Narcissistic Parent Dies: Expanded Version" was originally written to help readers find ways to cope during this challenging time, deal with those who do not understand, and make difficult decisions such as whether or not to visit a dying parent or attend the funeral. More information was later added later to these issues as well as what to do if designated personal representative.

Written from a Christian perspective.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cynthia Bailey-Rug
• Release date: Apr 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463485507

Cynthia Bailey-Rug

Cynthia Bailey-Rug is happily married to Eric Rug. Together they live near Annapolis, Maryland with their menagerie of lovely pets.Cynthia has been a Christian since 1996, and believes God has called her to write. She always loved writing, but realized it was her purpose in 2003. She has since written many articles, and several books. She also has edited books for other up and coming authors. She enjoys reading, animals, classic cars, crafts, gardening, gadgets, and spending time with her friends and pets.She has written the following books:Non-fiction:My Narcissistic Abuse Healing JournalWhen A Narcissistic Parent Dies: Expanded VersionRegrettably Related: A Guide to Toxic In-lawsWhen Love Hurts: Loving A NarcissistWhen A Narcissistic Parent DiesIn Sheep's Clothing: All About Covert NarcissistsThe Truth About Elderly NarcissistsIt's Not You, It's Them! When People Are More Than SelfishChildren and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A Guide For ParentsLife After Narcissistic Abuse: There Is Healing and HopeIt's All About ME! The Facts About Maternal NarcissismYou Are Not Alone!Emerging From The ChrysalisA Witness Of FaithLessons From The Heart: What Animals Have Taught Me About Life And LoveAll I Know About Marriage...I Learned The Hard Way!Pawprints On Our HeartsBaptism of JoyRomantic InspirationsFacets Of LoveBiblical Perspectives On Narcissism Mini Book Series:The Basics Of Narcissistic Personality DisorderWays Narcissists Abuse And How To CopeShould I End My Relationship With A Narcissist?Biblical Perspectives Mini Books:How To Honor Abusive ParentsLoving Someone With Complex Post Traumatic Stress DisorderCrochet Patterns:Cuddly Kittens Scarf Crochet PatternGnome Mushroom House Crochet PatternMarie's Doily Or Rug Crochet PatternWhite Squirrel Crochet PatternCross Stitch Patterns:Beware Of People Who Dislike Cats Cross Stitch Pattern 1Beware Of People Who Dislike Cats Cross Stitch Pattern 2Monarch Butterfly on Chrysalis Cross Stitch Pattern"My Cat" Cross Stitch PatternPainted Lady Butterfly on Yellow Marigold Flower Cross Stitch PatternPurple and Yellow Iris Flower Cross Stitch PatternSeagull On Rock By Chesapeake Bay Cross Stitch PatternTiger Swallowtail Butterfly On Purple Phlox Flowers Cross Stitch PatternWhite Rose of Sharon Cross Stitch PatternWhite Squirrel Cross Stitch PatternYellow Butterfly on Yellow Marigold Flower Cross Stitch PatternFiction:Sins Of The FatherThe Christian Woman’s Guide To Killing Her HusbandAll books are available on her website at:www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com

Book preview

When a Narcissistic Parent Dies: Expanded Version

By Cynthia Bailey-Rug

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2020 by Cynthia Bailey-Rug

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© Copyright 2020 by Cynthia Bailey–Rug. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without written permission by the author. Please visit http://www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com to contact author via her website or email author at [e-mail]

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scriptures are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scriptures marked AMP are taken from the AMPLIFIED BIBLE (AMP): Scripture taken from the AMPLIFIED® BIBLE, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by the Lockman Foundation Used by Permission. (www.Lockman.org)

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Other books by this author:

Non-fiction:

Regrettably Related: A Guide To Toxic In-Laws

When Love Hurts: Loving A Narcissist

When A Narcissistic Parent Dies

In Sheep’s Clothing: All About Covert Narcissists

The Truth About Elderly Narcissists

It’s Not You, It’s Them: When People Are More Than Selfish

Children And Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A Guide For Parents

Life After Narcissistic Abuse: There Is Healing And Hope

It’s All About Me! The Facts About Maternal Narcissism

You Are Not Alone!

Emerging From The Chrysalis

A Witness Of Faith

Lessons From The Heart: What Animals Have Taught Me About Life And Love

All I Know About Marriage...I Learned The Hard Way!

Pawprints On Our Hearts

Baptism Of Joy

Romantic Inspirations

Facets Of Love

Fiction:

Sins Of The Father

The Christian Woman’s Guide To Killing Her Husband

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Dedication:

This book is dedicated to everyone who has lost or is losing a narcissistic parent.

My heart goes out to you. May God bless and comfort you!

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter_One

Chapter_Two

Chapter_Three

Chapter_Four

Chapter_Five

Chapter_Six

Chapter_Seven

Chapter_Eight

Chapter_Nine

Epilogue

About_The_Author

Where_To_Find_Cynthia_Bailey-Rug_Online

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Preface

I originally wrote this book in 2017, after the death of my father. The final few months surrounding his death were awful, but they were also quite a learning experience. I thought I should share what I learned at that time since there is very little information available on the topic of the death of a narcissistic parent.

Almost exactly eighteen months after my father’s death, in April of 2019, my mother died. We had not spoken to each other in almost three years at the time of her passing. Although I endured a great deal less family drama surrounding her death, it was also quite a learning experience and I felt I should share what I learned during that experience since I learned a lot at that time as well.

Rather than write an entirely new book about what I learned when my mother died, I thought I simply would expand my original book.

I pray it teaches and helps you, and that God comforts you during this most difficult time.

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Introduction

Before I say anything else, I first wish to offer you my sincerest condolences. You would not have picked up this book if you had not lost or were about to lose your narcissistic parent. Losing a parent is an excruciating experience no matter what your relationship is like. Losing a narcissistic parent, however, is not only very painful, but it also comes loaded with complex emotions and thoughts that make the grief process more challenging and unique than when losing a person with whom you had a good relationship. I hate to say it is worse, because losing someone you had a healthy relationship with and loved is incredibly painful and difficult. (I remember when my grandfather died, wondering if I would survive the pain of that loss.) The death of a narcissist is also incredibly painful and difficult, but it is also much more complicated and challenging, especially when the narcissist in question is your parent. There are many complex emotions involved, and it can be oddly difficult sometimes to understand what they are, let alone put them into words.

I learned first hand about the challenges that come with losing a narcissistic parent. My father was a covert narcissist who later turned into an overt one, most likely due to developing Alzheimer’s. He passed away on October 23, 2017 a few months after being diagnosed with Leukemia. I was on the receiving end of a lot of outlandish, abusive, painful behavior from many people during his final few months. I went no contact with him several months before he died. I maintained no contact with him until his death, which many people seemed to find inexcusable on my part. My father was only a minor abuser in this situation, oddly enough. His friends, mostly his family, and even people I did not know, however, were major abusers. Even as I wrote this introduction a couple of months after his death, the events of that time were still very hard for me to believe. They felt very surreal. (I will discuss the situation in more detail in the following chapter and periodically throughout this book rather than go into detail here.) At the time of re-writing this introduction, my mother has been gone for over four months, and although mostly I have accepted the fact she is gone, I still have times when everything feels surreal.

I learned at that time my father was dying that there is very little information available on the topic of the death of a narcissistic parent, which makes no sense to me considering the complexities of the topic. The awful events I experienced taught me a great deal, so I thought I should share what I learned with others who are going through a similar situation. Also, one way I cope with pain is writing about it, so I am writing this book partly to help me come to terms with all that happened surrounding the deaths of my parents as well. My prayer is that this book can help you and anyone else reading this book that is also in this painful situation.

I also will share things I learned from speaking with other people about when their narcissistic parents were dying and when they died, not only the things I experienced first hand. Some of it was good, some bad, but all is valuable information that I believe anyone should be aware of who is in the position of losing a narcissistic parent. Knowledge is power, after all.

If you know even just a small amount about people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then you know just how difficult it is to deal with them. You also know that there are no easy answers, no one size fits all solutions when it comes to narcissists. In fact, often there are no right answers, only less wrong ones. This is especially the case at the time of the end of their lives. I do believe that with what this book will teach you in addition to your own wisdom, insight and experiences with your unique personality and that of your narcissistic parent, you will be able to handle this painful situation in a way that works best for you.

I also believe this book can be helpful if the narcissistic parent in question is not your parent, but perhaps your spouse’s or a friend’s parent. You can gain understanding of what your spouse or friend may be going through and feeling, as well as learn ways to help that person you love.

Also, if you are reading this book to help someone else, that person is going to need all of the love, patience, understanding and support that they can get during this awful time. You need to be able to handle providing those things, and you cannot do that if you are not taking good care of yourself. Please do not neglect taking care of yourself at any time, but especially now. Get plenty of rest, eat well, do things that make you feel cared for and nurtured. Doing such things will strengthen you and enable you to be there for your loved one without wearing yourself out. Taking care of yourself will help both of you a great deal, so please do it!

My faith in God is incredibly important to me. It was also vital to me for surviving the circumstances surrounding my parents’ deaths with my sanity in tact. In fact, I firmly believe God is the only reason that happened. He gave me the wisdom and strength to do what I needed to do, and to stand strong during immense adversity. I mention my faith frequently in this book. I hope you share my faith, but if you do not, I believe that this book still can help you. I also hope you will consider turning to God during this time, but if you opt not to do so, then I encourage you to hold onto whatever inspires and strengthens you. You are going to need all the help you can get!

Please be aware too that I am not a mental health professional. I am simply someone who has a lot of experience with narcissists thanks to being in many relationships with narcissists (parents, in-laws, friends, relatives, and an ex), and I have studied Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the damage done by narcissistic abuse in depth for years. I certainly cannot say I have all of the answers, but I have learned a great deal.

Since you are reading this book, it seems safe to assume you know at least some about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you did not, you probably would not have picked up a book with narcissist in the title. I will not be explaining it in great detail in this book because of that. If you would like more information about narcissism however, you can visit my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com. Click on the link at the top of the page that says, Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as my Books For Sale page for more information.

Before you read any further, since the subject matter of this book is very deep and difficult, I would like to suggest to you that you take frequent breaks when reading so you do not become overwhelmed. It is a lot of difficult information to absorb, especially when you are going through such a difficult time, so taking frequent breaks is a good idea for the sake of your mental health. During those breaks, try to relax as much as you can. Even a short fifteen minute break to listen to some music can be surprisingly beneficial. Taking care of yourself is always an excellent idea, but especially during very trying times.

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Chapter One - My Story

I thought I would start out this book by telling you some background information about myself. Sharing some about me and my experiences may help you to understand why I believe the things I do. I also wanted to share it because some of these things I experienced may happen to you, too. All situations are unique though, so yours may be strikingly similar to or entirely different from mine. Unfortunately no one can predict with complete accuracy what will happen in these situations. The smartest thing that you can do is to be as prepared as possible for whatever bad things you think may happen. Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, as the old saying goes. One way to prepare is to learn what others have experienced.

I apologize in advance because this chapter will be a bit disproportionately long compared to the others. I really am trying to keep my story short, believe it or not!

Although many parts of the story to follow may sound very hard to believe, I promise you, every single bit of it is true.

I will start with a little about my past:

I grew up with an overtly narcissistic mother and covertly narcissistic father. My mother was loud and brash with her abuse, often screaming at me, offering scathing criticism and controlling my every move. My father however, was much different. He claimed he was unable to stop her from abusing me, and it was hard for him knowing how she abused me. He only halfway tried to protect me from her abuse a couple of times in my entire childhood.

I moved out at age nineteen, and as the years passed, my relationship with my parents became more and more strained. I began to set boundaries for the first time, which neither of my parents liked. As usual, my mother was more obvious with her disapproval than my father was.

Once I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder in I think it was 2011, our relationship became even more strained. I finally saw through their manipulation and abuse, so I was no longer such an easy target.

In 2012, I developed all symptoms of C-PTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I spent less and less time with my parents to protect my fragile mental health, which they did not like.

In 2015, I nearly died from Carbon Monoxide Poisoning. I lost consciousness and hit my head very hard when I fainted. Even in the intense delirium I experienced, I knew my parents should never find out about this. The hospital I was in is almost exactly one mile from my parents’ home, and I was afraid my husband would call