You Can’T Heal a Wound by Saying It’S Not There: Overcoming Your Past, Embracing Your Future Second Edition

By Dr. Saundra J. Taulbee

Today, men and women are running around empty, trying to fill a void with addictions to work, busyness, alcohol, drugs, high debt, pornography, serial dead-end relationships, and sex without commitment.

My book speaks about the futility of this empty search and helps you find peace and meaning beyond yourself.

You Cant Heal a Wound by Saying Its Not There is about recognizing the wounds we all have from growing up that cripple us until we face them and overcome them. Written in a case study format and interspersed with poignant illustrations and memoirs from the authors life, this book helps people identify what they need to do to grow up and become all that God intended so that they can use their life to help someone else be better.

I have learned much from people who have taught me over the years in private psychotherapy practice. I have also learned much from people I have served in churches and from our church systems that sometimes leave people marginalized. Thus, I have a passion for and am drawn to those who have been alienated for one reason or another from church and institutionalized religion.

With that said, I am currently planting a new church with outreach to people who feel disconnected from God. (www.connectionscommunitychurchirvine.net)

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781524694845

Dr. Saundra J. Taulbee

I am married to my best friend, Stephen, who journeys with me on the road of practicing what You Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There is about. Since the release of this book, Stephen is recovering from traumatic brain injury from a Jeep rollover on August 2012. Please pray for him! I am blessed to be a grandmother of two darlings, a ten- and a three-year-old, and a proud mother of an only daughter and her wonderful husband.

Book preview

Dr. Taulbee provides readers with the keys to unlock and resolve pain from the past. Utilizing a unique combination of psychological principles and theological truths, Dr.Taulbee writes from an insightful and heartfelt vantage point.

—Ashley D. Fick, PsyD

In a busy secularized life, with its striving and distractions, often the last person to realize a need for healing is the person who is hurting. Dr Taulbee has given us a forthright but kind approach to uncovering the need for healing in ourselves as much as in others and a clear plan for how that healing is best begun. She is unabashedly Christian in her ethics, spiritual in her psychology, and there is deep truth in what she tells of her own story. Her book challenges each of us who hope to help others to pay attention to what is at our core.

—Denis Clarke, Director, Micah’s Way

Applying the principles in this book can mend life’s wounds! Sometimes funny, at other times more poignant, this book uniquely pairs the author’s clinical, ministerial, and personal experiences, bringing forth principles and a process to overcome wounds we’ve all suffered along our life journey. Whether you are a man or a woman, a layperson or professional, the depth of this book will speak to you, particularly as you delve into the study guide at the end of the book and reflect on the many stories and illustrations. Whether you are in need of healing or are a healer of others, the wisdom in this book will bring life to your soul. I invite you to walk with Dr. Taulbee and embark on the road to transformation.

—Dr. Karen Silva

YOU CAN’T

HEAL A WOUND

by SAYING

IT’S NOT THERE

Overcoming Your Past, Embracing

Your Future

SECOND EDITION

DR. SAUNDRA J. TAULBEE

44232.png

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2017 Dr. Saundra J. Taulbee. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

"Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB),

Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,

1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation

Used by permission. www.Lockman.org"

Scripture quotations marked (TLB) are taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Published by AuthorHouse   07/06/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5246-9485-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-9483-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-9484-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017909397

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

This book is dedicated to all fellow strugglers who have bravely entered into the journey of recovery; to my lifetime BFFs, Marcia and Karen, who dreamed my dreams, shared in authentic relationships with me, and showed godly love; to Tom and Peggy, who faithfully supported our early church-planting efforts and were benefactors in our ministry transition; to Pat, a loving, faithful paraclete who walks beside me, keeps me accountable, prays for me, and speaks the truth in love; to my godly parents, now deceased, who loved me, did all that they knew how to do, and gave me a context in which to tell this story; to my children and grandchildren who do not have to repeat the patterns of the past; to my husband, Stephen, who walks this journey of recovery with me as God rebuilds us so that we may help others on the journey;and to the late Dallas Willard, a man of great wisdom, who discipled me over the years through his writings and teaching.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My thanks to Cameron Benton, who did some of the early research for the book. Thanks, too, to my editors for their help in structuring the manuscript.

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

PART I   Anatomy Of The Wound

Principle 1:   Acknowledging The Wound

-1-   The Wound: Defining It Spiritually And Emotionally

Summary

-2-   How We Get There: Gender Differences

Relationship With Father

Relationship With Mother

Individual Sense Of Self-Identity

Individual’s View Of God

Summary

PART II   Anatomy Of The Wound

Principle 2:   Facing The Wound

-3-   How Real People Faced Their Wounds

Kim’s Story: A Neglected Woman Rescues Lost People And Animals And Finds Herself In The Process

Ben’s Story: Father Hunger—Searching For Identity

Raquel’s Story: Same-Sex Attraction—Quest For Mother’s Love

Summary

-4-   Stories Of Families, Couples, And Children Who Faced Their Wounds

Ken And Barbie: A Story Of Solo Sex And Finding One’s Voice

Frank:the Story Of A Married Man Trying To Overcome The Pain Of His Past

Danny And Sara: A Story Of Reversing Roles And Establishing Appropriate Boundaries

Jake And Ellen: A Story That Uncovers How Intergenerational Patterns Are Handed Down

Summary

PART III   Long-Term Consequences Of Wounds

Principle 3:   Dangers Of Ignoring The Wound

-5-   Denying The Wound

Denial As A Way To Cope

Denial In Children

Denial In Adults

Summary

-6-   When Wounds Become Roots Of Bitterness And Faded Dreams

Summary

-7-   Wounds Of Our Culture

A Generation Of Walking Wounded

A View From Christian Ethics

The Wounds Of War (Ptsd: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Summary

The Wounds Of Racism

The Wounds Of Homelessness

PART IV   Hope For The Future

Principle 4:   Moving Toward Recovery

-8-   On Healing The Wound (Jeremiah 31)

How Does Healing Of Soul Wounds Occur?

Summary

-9-   You Can Go Home Again

Summary

-10-   Overcoming Generational Wounds

Anger

Fear Of Intimacy

Codependent Need To Belong

Sexual Addiction

Drug And Alcohol Addiction

Sexual Addiction As A Residual Compulsion Of Perverted Sexuality

Summary

-11-   Using Your Life To Make A Difference: Becoming A Wounded Healer

PART V   Beauty For Ashes

Principle 5:   Maintaining A Lifestyle Of Recovery

-12-   Closing Thoughts

What Children Need From Parents

Paradoxes

Intimacy

Wholeness In The Marriage Relationship

Seeking Recovery

Therapy: Working Through The Problems

Epilogue

Study Guide

Notes And Leaders’ Guide Addendum (Endnotes)

Bibliography

Author Biography

FOREWORD

In You Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There, Saundra Taulbee helps us address and bring true and lasting healing to the broken parts of our pasts—the wounds that perpetuate the self-destructive (though often unintentional) patterns that result in so much pain in our lives and in the lives of those who know and love us.

Beginning with the first principle, acknowledging the wound, Dr. Taulbee applies not only her experience as a therapist and a pastor but also the experience of her own woundedness to help us see, then face, and eventually heal those hidden wounds. The style is direct and refreshingly honest.This is no theoretical advice or academic speculations, but the wise and caring guidance of someone who has been there, gone through it, and come back to help another.

You’ll feel her genuine care and firsthand, knowledgeable experience as she walks with you through your own healing.

If you find yourself stuck and hating it, if you think there just might be a wound somewhere underneath that thing you keep doing over and over again, if you’re ready to get honest with yourself (and maybe eventually God and others), Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There is for you You.

—John Reed, Lead Pastor, Terra Nova Church

PREFACE

Books are many years in the making as they grow from initial concept to print. Such is the case with this one. It has germinated in my soul some twenty years, drawn from a combination of my work with patients in private psychotherapy practice as well as my work as pastor to churches across the country. Add to this the years of working through many of my own issues, and I am now able to write something that may bring life to others.

It does not mean I have all the answers. I do not. Like some of my unfinished paintings, I am still a work in progress.

Over the years, I have learned from mentors who challenged me by saying I could not lead people where I had not been myself. This book, then, is a compilation of things learned from my own life, from ministry leaders and psychiatry professors, insights gained from my own inner analytic work, as well as treasures gleaned from the lives of people who taught me and entrusted themselves to me to care for them.

Each person has given me permission to tell their story in order to help someone else. All names have been changed to protect their identities. Raquel was not my patient but has granted me permission to share her story. Any similarity overall to others’ stories is coincidental and merely speaks to the universal nature of the wounds we all struggle with as people.

The title of this book is derived from something keynote speaker Stephen Arterburn said at a recovery conference in 1992. In referencing Jeremiah 6:14 from the Living Bible translation, the implication of You Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There is that things don’t change unless you deal with them. The human condition is universal. No matter what we do to ignore or cover over our wounds, they remain—wounds of estrangement from others, alienation from God, and dissonance within us. The consequences for the ancient community in the Bible story are the same as they are for us today: we are broken and wounded apart from a life with God. As philosopher Blaise Pascal once said, There is a God-shaped vacuum inside the heart of each of us that we try to fill with created things. To that concept, I add my belief that we all try to fill this vacuum with addictions, attachments, and things that come to take the place of the very God we seek.

At present, I am in private practice and also busy planting a new church. Whether serving in my role as counselor or pastor, I act as a portal to facilitate rebuilding people’s lives in a nonjudgmental, albeit direct, way, helping people identify not only clinical issues that block healing, but the God-vacuum within them that cries out for relationship beyond themselves.

Experiencing, that is, knowing God can be elusive for the skeptic as well as for the person who has been wounded by fundamentalist religion. As a believer in the twelve-step principles, I affirm we can only experience real peace when we align our lives under God, our true Higher Power, who calls us to be transformed so we might use our wounds to reach out and help others. You may think,But you don’t know about my life. Regardless, your wounds are redeemable, and your life can be restored. That is the premise of this book.

As a follower of Jesus, I write in the only way I know how: as a Christian author, trained in psychology/ psychiatry and theology. However, my intention is not to proselytize, Bible-thump, or diagnose the reader. Rather, I write out of the sum and total of who I am in order to speak to you genuinely, apart from constraints of political correctness.The personal stories I tell are not to place blame but rather to make the point that we all have a context in which wounds develop. Wounds are frequently rooted intergenerationally, from forefathers and foremothers and those who came before them. It is a pattern found in the Bible, and we find the parallel in our own family lines if we have the courage to explore and the eyes to see.

And so I pray the words on the following pages speak life to you, even though some of the concepts may be hard to swallow. Just keep reading. Discover the stories of men, women, couples, and children. Find hope in their journey to growth, healing, and learning new ways of relating to others and seeing themselves. I pray that ministry leaders, small-group leaders, seminary students, counselors, those in the pew who try to follow Jesus, as well as those who are far away from God will be encouraged.

Note: This book is structured to be read individually or as part of a small-group process. A leader’s guide with endnotes accompanies it as an addendum to aid small-group leaders and pastors.

INTRODUCTION

Whether you are a man or woman, single, married, widowed, divorced, struggling with infidelity, having difficulty managing anger and setting limits, juggling addictions or same-sex attraction, this book is for you. It’s about exploring life issues that hang us up and show us living double lives—one for public, the other we keep secret. It is about overcoming patterns that block success in your life and prevent you from living an abundant life. It is also about understanding how past wounds will surface again and again until you deal with them by finding new ways to handle conflict and relate to people, particularly those close to you.Told through nine stories of real people, along with vignettes from my own life, this book explores the truth of how we deny or ignore our own dysfunctional