You Can't Heal a Wound by Saying It's Not There: How to Overcome Your Past, Rebuild Your Present, and Embrace Your Future

By Saundra J. Taulbee

What do a high tech, workaholic man addicted to pornography and alcohol, a talented woman who loses her voice and struggles with intimacy in marriage, a man who is unable to be sexually faithful to his wife, and, a ten year old depressed boy have in common? Each of them is in desperate need of healing from wounds of the past.

But, just what is the nature of the wound?

Author Saundra Taulbee explains through actual case examples and vignettes from her own life that we are all in need of healing from wounds that begin in childhood, but, if undealt with, manifest in dysfunctions in family relationships, in marriage, in friendship, in work/career, in the way we see ourselves, and, in the way we relate to God.

A quick self-assessment quiz: How many of us know how to find real peace within? Are you at peace with family, and actually love them and like to be around them especially during the holidays? How many of us experience real relationship with friends where you can be yourself and be accepted? How many of us harbor bitterness and hold grudges against a loved one for past hurts? Are you married but still alone, unable to break through walls of silence or anger? Do you know what are your life-passions; yet, you allow them to go unfulfilled? Why is that? How many of us are really using our God-given gifts and talents to reach out to other people in need, to help them be different?

An honest response of thats me, to any of the above questions suggests you have a wound in need of healing that goes deep within your soul, blocking you from the life that awaits you.

So, why read, You Cant Heal a Wound by Saying Its Not There? Because it walks us through common issues of life that show us repeating negative patterns revealing how we fail to live authentically, how we live double-lives, how we focus on self-satisfaction instead of serving others, how we rely on achievement and success to feel value, how we get caught up with excesses that take our minds off things that matter, how we struggle with addictions of all kinds that we keep secret. Told through the stories of nine real people, You Cant Heal a Wound helps you think through vicissitudes of your life, determine what really matters in the long run, and, begin to figure out how to use your life wounds and all to help turn others lives around.

This book is for you, whether man or woman, married or single, gay or straight, skeptic or far away from God, or a follower of Jesus. Come, wherever you are on your journey, walk along with me through the pages of this book, and, dare to be different by the end of your reading!

You Can't Heal a Wound............. is about overcoming the wounds of your past. It is a book about hope and healing and living the life you always wanted, but did not know how to find. Chapters outline common issues we struggle with, and practical solutions for recovery. The book concludes with addendum endnotes for further study and a study guide for individual or small group study.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 3, 2012
• ISBN: 9781468561074

Saundra J. Taulbee

I am a Christian therapist, trained in psychiatry as a Doctor of Mental Health, who has been working to help people for 25 years. I was trained to understand the delicate interaction between mind, body, emotions, and psychopharmacology. Not only that, but, from years of helping people and undergoing extensive analytic work myself, I have come to understand that we all struggle with hurts, hangups, and habits that block communication, distort feelings, cause depression, anger, and, that sometimes reveal underlying chemical imbalances in the brain. Whether our dysfunctional behaviors are learned or biochemically derived, they are typically rooted in unresolved past experience of growing up in our families of origin. My work has involved helping people overcome their past and walk in freedom. I believe that people change because they have hope that things can be different. Thus, change unfolds as we 1) understand why we do what we do, and 2) learn (internalize) new responses to triggers of old dysfunctional behaviors so that negative reaction cycles are broken. I serve as a portal helping people embrace new ways of living, whether as clinician or pastor. I am also a pastor. The gestalt has changed. What was foreground - psychiatry, is now background. Ministry is now foreground. And, I use many of the same skills. Not only that, but I have learned much from people who have taught me over the years as I pastored churches across the country. I am currently planting a new church in Orange County, CA. with outreach to people who are "turned off" to church and institutionalized religion. Our website: www.connectionscommunitychurchirvine.net EDUCATION: University California, San Francisco Medical Centre, San Francisco, CA, Doctor of Mental Health; Fuller Theological Seminary, Pasadena, CA, Master of Divinity; Harvard University Graduate School of Education, Cambridge, MA, Master of Education. I paint in oils, sketch in charcoal, and write for publication. I enjoy all kinds of music, and have my own guitar and piano which I want to learn how to play. I like movies, theatre, symphony, gourmet dining, and leisure rides offroading throughout California with my husband, Stephen, and dog Benji. I am married to my best friend who has journeyed with me on the road of practicing what this book is about. Also, I am blessed to be a grandmother of two darling children, a 7 year old and a 3 month old, and proud mother of an only daughter and her wonderful husband.

Book preview

You Can’t Heal a Wound 

 By Saying It’s Not There

How to Overcome Your Past, Rebuild 

 Your Present, and Embrace your Future

Dr. Saundra J. Taulbee

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© 2012 Dr. Saundra J. Taulbee. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 5/11/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4685-6109-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-6108-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-6107-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012904192

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Prologue

Introduction

Part I. Anatomy Of The Wound

Principle One: Acknowledging the Wound

1.   The Wound: Defining it Spiritually and Emotionally

2.   How We Get There: Gender Differences

PART II: ANATOMY OF THE WOUND

Principle Two: Facing the Wound

3.   How Real People Faced Their Wounds

4.   Stories of Families, Couples, and Children who Faced their Wounds

PART III. LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES OF WOUNDS

Principle Three: Dangers of Ignoring the Wound

5.   Denying the Wound

6.   When Wounds Become Roots of Bitterness and Faded Dreams

7.   Wounds of our Culture

PART IV. HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

Principle Four: Moving Toward Recovery

8.   On Healing the Wound (Jer.31)

9.   You Can Go Home Again

10.   Overcoming Generational Wounds

11.   Using Your Life to Make a Difference: Becoming a Wounded Healer

PART V: BEAUTY FOR ASHES

Principle Five: Maintaining a Lifestyle of Recovery

12.   Closing Thoughts

Epilogue

Endnotes and Leader’s Guide Addendum

Bibliography

Study Guide

Dedication

This book is dedicated, to all fellow strugglers who have bravely entered into the journey of recovery; to my lifetime BFF’s (best friends forever), Marcia and Karen, who dreamed my dreams, shared in authentic relationships with me, and showed godly love; to Tom and Peggy who faithfully supported our early church planting efforts and were benefactors in our ministry transition; to Pat, a loving, faithful Paraclete who walks beside me, keeps me accountable, prays for me, and speaks the truth in love; to my godly parents, now deceased, who loved me, did all that they knew how to do, and gave me a context in which to tell this story; to my children and grandchildren who do not have to repeat the patterns of the past; to my husband, Stephen, who walks this journey of recovery with me as God rebuilds us so that we may help others on the journey; and to Dallas Willard, a man of great wisdom, who discipled me over the years through his writings and teaching.

Acknowledgements

My thanks to Cameron Benton, who did some of the early research for the book. Thanks, too, to my editors for their help in structuring the manuscript.

Foreword

In You Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There, Saundra Taulbee helps us address and bring true and lasting healing to the broken parts of our pasts – the wounds that perpetuate the self-destructive (though often unintentional) patterns that result in so much pain in our lives and in the lives of those who know and love us.

Beginning with the first principle, acknowledging the wound, Dr. Taulbee applies not only her experience as a therapist and a pastor, but also the experience of her own woundedness, to help us see, then face, and eventually heal those hidden wounds. The style is direct and refreshingly honest. This is not theoretical advice or academic speculations, but the wise and caring guidance of someone who has been there, gone through it, and come back to help another. You’ll feel her genuine care and first hand knowledgeable experience as she walks with you through your own healing.

If you find yourself stuck and hating it, if you think there just might be a wound somewhere underneath that thing you keep doing over and over again, if you’re ready to get honest with yourself (and maybe eventually God and others), You Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There, is for you.

John Reed, lead pastor, Terra Nova Church

Prologue

Books are many years in the making, as they grow from initial concept to print. Such is the case with this one. It has germinated in my soul some 20 years, drawn from a combination of my work with patients in private psychotherapy practice, as well as my work as pastor to churches across the country. Add to this, years of working through many of my own issues, and I am now able to write something which may bring life to others.

It does not mean I have all the answers. I do not. Like some of my unfinished paintings, I am still a work in progress. Over the years I have learned from mentors who challenged me by saying I could not lead people where I had not been myself. This book, then, is a compilation of things learned from my own life, from ministry leaders and psychiatry professors, insights gained from my own inner analytic work, as well as treasures gleaned from the lives of people who taught me and entrusted themselves to me to care for them.

Each person has given me permission to tell their story in order to help someone else. All names have been changed to protect their identities. Raquel was not my patient but has granted me permission to share her story. Any similarity overall to others’ stories is coincidental and merely speaks to the universal nature of the wounds we all struggle with as people.

The title of this book is derived from something keynote speaker Stephen Arterburn said at a recovery conference in 1992. In referencing Jeremiah 6:14 from The Living Bible translation, the implication of You Can’t Heal a Wound by Saying It’s Not There is that things don’t change unless you deal with them. The human condition is universal. No matter what we do to ignore or cover over our wounds, they remain; wounds of estrangement from others, alienation from God, and dissonance within us. The consequences for the ancient community in the Bible story are the same as they are for us today: we are broken and wounded apart from a life with God. As philosopher Blaise Pascal once said, There is a God-shaped vacuum inside the heart of each of us that we try to fill with created things. To that concept I add my belief that we all try to fill this vacuum with addictions, attachments, and things that come to take the place of the very God we seek.

At present, I am in private practice and also busy planting a new church. Whether serving in my role as counselor or pastor I act as a portal to facilitate rebuilding peoples’ lives in a nonjudgmental, albeit direct way, helping people identify not only clinical issues that block healing, but the God-vacuum within them that cries out for relationship beyond themselves.

Experiencing, that is, knowing God, can be elusive for the skeptic as well as for the person who has been wounded by fundamentalist religion. As a believer in the 12-step principles, I affirm we can only experience real peace when we align our lives under God, our true Higher Power, Who calls us to be transformed so we might use our wounds to reach out and help others. You may think, But you don’t know about my life. Regardless, your wounds are redeemable and your life can be restored. That is the premise of this book.

As a follower of Jesus, I write in the only way I know how: as a Christian author, trained in psychology/psychiatry and theology. However, my intention is not to proselytize, Bible thump, or diagnose the reader. Rather, I write out of the sum and total of who I am, in order to speak to you genuinely, apart from constraints of political correctness. The personal stories I tell are not to place blame, but rather to make the point that we all have a context in which wounds develop. Wounds are frequently rooted intergenerationally, from forefathers and foremothers, and those that came before them. It is a pattern found in the Bible, and we find the parallel in our own family lines if we have the courage to explore and the eyes to see.

And so, I pray the words on the following pages speak life to you, even though some of the concepts may be hard to swallow. Just keep reading. Discover the stories of men, women, couples, and children. Find hope in their journey to growth, healing, and learning new ways of relating to others and seeing themselves. I pray that ministry leaders, small group leaders, seminary students, counselors, those in the pew who try to follow Jesus, as well as those who are far away from God, will be encouraged.

Note: This book is structured to be read individually or as part of a small group process. A Leader’s Guide with endnotes accompanies it as an addendum to aid small group leaders and pastors.

Introduction

Whether you are a man or woman, single, married, widowed, divorced, struggling with infidelity, having difficulty managing anger and setting limits, juggling addictions or same sex attraction, this book is for you. It’s about exploring life issues that hang us up and show us living double lives – one for public, the other we keep secret. It is about overcoming patterns that block success in your life and prevent you from living abundantly. It is also about understanding how past wounds will surface again and again until you deal with them by finding new ways to handle conflict and relate to people, particularly those close to you. Told through nine stories of real people, along with vignettes from my own life, this book explores the truth of how we deny or ignore our own dysfunctional methods of thinking about ourselves, relating to our family and friends, and even our ability to experience real relationship with God.

This is a book about hope, healing, and how transformation happens in a life so you can, not only live a life that matters now, but one that counts for eternity. It looks at common issues we struggle with and offers practical solutions for transformation and recovery. My intention is not to present a thorough discourse, but to share with the reader some of the larger wounds that trouble and stir me, wounds I pray about and ponder regarding ways to bring healing. I include a discussion of these problems to encourage, you, the reader, to be open to ways God might inspire you to use your life as an instrument of healing in those causes about which you are most passionate, so that you might turn the world upside down.

Regardless of where you are on your journey, whether you are turned off to God, a skeptic, or a follower of Jesus, this book is for you. Why? Because we all struggle with wounds of one kind or another, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Wounds that block our ability to feel a sense of well-being, wounds that hinder our finding emotional, verbal, or sexual intimacy in marriage, or emotional intimacy in friendship. Some of you may have people around you who have suffered because of your own ignored wounds. Others of you carry grudges because of wounds inflicted by those close to you. And many of you may still deny there is a wound at all, quipping instead, It’s all good or I’m good when really you are not.

This book is for you:

•   If you want to maximize your God-given potential and stop self-sabotage.

•   If you want to understand why you repeat patterns from your past – such as unfinished business, generational patterns, or conflicted relationships – and instead, you want to embrace a better future.

•   If you have been wrestling with the meaning and purpose of your life.

•   If you have desired to be at peace with yourself and want to stop handing down intergenerational patterns to your children.

•   If you have been unable until now to imagine that God redeems wounded lives given over to Him.

I challenge you to read on and dare to be different by the time you have finished the book. It will open up new ways for you to rethink your past, reframe your struggles, succeed in life, and develop new strategies for relating to your spouse, extended family, friends, colleagues, and authority figures. You will also learn that you can get through the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s holidays without stress and still remain friends with your family. You’ll learn about transference and how it can facilitate positive relationships once you have acknowledged your wound. But most of all, it will show you that you can turn the wounds of your life around and let God use them for the sake of others.

Part I. Anatomy Of The Wound

Principle One:

Acknowledging the Wound

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Maya Angelou

-1-

The Wound: Defining it Spiritually and