Lost: Diary of an Eating Disorder

By May Betancourt Jr.

When does dieting end and an eating disorder begin? When is a diet too extreme? Much more than a diary, Lost takes you through the different phases of disordered eating. From the very first distorted self images to the full blown disorder, to treatment and recovery. It is insightfully written through poetry and diary entries. Lost is brutally honest and it also shows the reader how, at any age, it is possible to live a happy, healthy, and authentic life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 4, 2010
• ISBN: 9781462808328

May Betancourt Jr.

May Betancourt Jr. lives with her husband and children in a quant home in West Miami, Florida. She is a National Board Certified Teacher and has been honored as Teacher of the year at her school. She teaches Fourth grade in a bi-lingual program and is an advocate for St Jude Children’s Hospital & UNICEF. She has had numerous poems published and co-wrote “Two Feathers and One Book” with her mother May Betancourt. She is a humanitarian by nature and is active in bringing public awareness to animal cruelty. This is her second book. In this book she has decided to share her personal struggles with you, in hopes that it will perhaps help others, and that it will lead to a path of hope and renewal. Kathleen A. Betancourt

Book preview

Copyright © 2010 by May Betancourt, Jr.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

The author is not a physician, and no information found here should be used for medical purposes-diagnostically, therapeutically, or as a substitute for the advice provided by your own medical professional.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

46645

Contents

Introduction

Prologue

Introduction

Twenty-one Random Things I Thought about Today

Personal Goals

Deceived

The Night

Lost

War

What the World Sees

Invisible

Heaven Knows

Fitting In

A View of the World

Numbers

Rules

Anger

Routine

Torment

Beached

Forever Gone

A Stranger

Buried

The Closet

The Ritual

Merry-Go-Round

Unblessed

The Game

The Great Wall of Eating Disorders

Poison

The Wrath of Me

Dancing with Death

Tomorrow

Listen

The Drawers

Introduction

Personal Goals

Nineteen Random Thoughts I Had Today

Broken Silence

Help Hurts

Little Girl

Ask

Divine Grace

Again

Maybe

My Best Friend My Worst Enemy

Lighthouse

The Wind

The Spy

Power

Clocks

Mutiny

Disordered Alliteration

Lies

The Sea

The Tree

The Search

ABC’s of Disordered Eating

Mercy

Game Night

Broken Compass

Courage

Renfrew

Seduction

If Only . . .

Damaged

The Storm

The Aftermath

Normal

Torn and Tattered

Looking through a Window

Letting Go

Addiction

Three Keys

Cry

Choices

Simply Imperfect

Derailed

I Am

Stop

Love Me

Surrender

No More

Casualty

Food as My Weapon

Unclaimed Treasure

Through an Angel’s Eyes

This House

Tell Someone

Coping

Call

The Question

Warped

In the Ring

Introduction

Personal Goals

Some Random Thoughts I had today

Clarity

Candy Store

Try

Moments

Time

Allow Yourself to Feel

No Matter

Never Going Back

Empowered

End of a Journey

Working Out

Found

Sorry

The Cemetery

Recovering Woman

The Colors

The Forest

Be

Forgive

A Prayer

Gratitude

Silent Partner

Gone

Even

Shed a Tear

Angel

The Testament

Sanctuary

Sailboat

Heroes

Angel Got It’s Wings

Rejoice

Going Home

A Perfect World

Life Won’t Wait

Perfectly Imperfect

Lost with the Wind

Until Never

Free

Survival Alliteration

Tribute to St. Jude

The End of the Road

Good-bye Ed

Epilogue

References

Credits:

Painting by Paul Delaroche 1797-1856 The Martyr

Angel wings by Marielena De La Heria

Sketches by Kathleen Gomez

Introduction

For years I have known people who deal with weight and food in some very unique ways. One friend would take her plate of food and eat while she stood over the trash can; never swallowing, but just chewing and then spitting out the food. Another would take laxatives after every meal and then exercise until she was exhausted or nauseated to the point of vomiting. I on the other hand, went on destructive diets until I began to binge and purge. Then I would purge after eating a normal amount of food or after having a small piece of chocolate. Finally, I found myself purging just to release stress, anxiety, loneliness, or sadness. When I eventually went to The Renfrew Center for eating disorders, I realized that all of these relationships with food were a disorder, and not simply a way of life.

I can’t really pin point the moment or day in which I entered the world of eating disorders. I think it was a gradual process which escalated and got out of control as I got older. The seed might have been planted by the subtle messages which society gives out on a daily basis or it might have begun in the blatant way in which the media glamorizes certain sizes and shuns others, I’m not really sure. What I am sure of though is that I began seeing myself as fat the moment I entered puberty. Once I entered through this door, I never went back out; and the seed turned into a tree and the tree turned into a forest.

Part of my treatment was to keep a diary of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Being the pleaser that I am, I quickly obliged. This process was simplified by the fact that I have always kept a diary. Looking back at my old ones, I realized how my disorder was enmeshed in my daily life throughout most of my years. As I began to write again, all that I put into print were poems and brief entries. I soon discovered that I found it much easier to express and analyze my experiences in small, bite size portions rather than long chapters of narrative text. The poems and entries I wrote are my experiences mixed with others who confided in me. Not all of the entries are in chronological order because I placed them according to the progression of the disorder. At the end of each poem, I have written a quote to leave you with something positive to think about. I divided the book into three parts in order to maintain cohesiveness and to show the phases of my disordered eating. This is a book which can be read right through or it can be read in parts. You can focus on the part that you feel you are similarly experiencing at the moment; you can read a poem and entry a day, or several a day. The choice is yours, but just remember, there is help out there. Please seek it . . .

Prologue

A silent plague is consuming many girls and women and a growing number of boys and men; disordered eating is this culprit. This book began as a diary of my feelings and experiences as I walked through the difficult path of disordered eating. The poems and entries in this book will insightfully take you through the many phases of disordered eating. Each poem poignantly reveals the depths of the disorder and the quotes under each, assures the reader that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Some poems in Part I may seem too drastic and even disturbing. Understand that these were written when I was in the midst of my disorder; that is why I went back and wrote a quote under each in order to shed a glimmer of hope to the reader. In no way do I want to glamorize disordered eating and as you read Parts II and III, you will realize this. Some days I only wrote poetry, others I simply wrote an entry, yet other days I wrote in both genres. As I brought my diary to a conclusion, I did go back and added my quotes after each poem. The more contact I had with eating disorders and people who also suffer, the more I wrote. I realized that publishing my words would help me in my healing and it might serve as a small contribution in breaking this silent taboo.

I have been blessed with many angels in my life; both earthly and heavenly. I need to especially thank my husband who continued to support me and tell me to write, write, and write. Recovery would have been impossible without him being there to hold my hand and help me up when I fell. To my mother, for forever believing in me, even when I didn’t; to my sister, for being a great listener and problem solver; to Abigail for the countless hours of research; to The Renfrew Center, for showing me that an eating disorder is not shameful and not a death sentence. And finally, to my family and friends, who unknowingly saved me.

To all those who suffer in silence,

may you one day find your voice.

Part I

Daily Life

and

Denial

missing image file

Turn your wounds into wisdom.

—Oprah Winfrey

Introduction

How or when it all got started, I don’t quite remember. What I do remember is that my eating disorder began when my struggle with food escalated. Living in this day and age where being curvy means being fat is very difficult to handle, especially when genetics dictate that you are not naturally a society-accepting small size. Off and on again, diets and gym memberships began to take a toll not only on my body, but also on my mind. It seemed that whenever I got off a diet, I would gain everything right back and that would also lead to stop exercising. I figured that if I wasn’t eating well, the exercise would be in vain. To make matters worse, every time I ate something that wasn’t a diet food, I figured I had blown it for the day, so I would splurge some more. The next day, I would practically starve or start a new crazy diet, which was doomed to fail. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness came over me, like a soldier of one, in enemy territory. The vicious cycle went on for a while.

I remember the very first time I purged. I thought I had been doing really well on a diet. I was losing weight and was feeling pretty confident that this time I was going to reach my goal. One day, I was home alone and ate what I considered to be a prohibited food. I felt so guilty and felt that I was surely going to gain, then without thinking, I ran to the bathroom and purged. When the cycle first began, it was simply to get rid of food, which I thought was going to make me gain weight. Then I figured I might as well eat something fattening and then get rid of it. It then led to secret binges followed by purging. Without realizing it, I