The Heaviest Weight

By Mariana den Hollander

Mariana's story represents anyone who has ever felt rejected for any reason. Anyone who feels lonely or trapped in their bodies or problems. This book is the true story of how she, at the age of 24, learned to love herself without changing her body and today, she is here to share her journey with you and accompany you on yours.

 

«The Heaviest Weight» is the true story of a woman in her early twenties, who took seven years to realize that she was bulimic and that her anxiety, depression and obsession with getting "the right body" were not her fault. Mariana admitted, at 24 years old, that she had a problem and sought help to heal. The road was not easy, especially in a world that did not yet know about Body Positivity, curvy hashtags, or plus size models, but she managed to thrive, accept herself and be happy. She wrote this book to tell her story and to make sure that people who suffer from the pain of having body issues, rejection due to family secrets, rejection due to the stigma of mental disorders, or  rejection due to not being straight or identifying as non-binary - whatever the reason- to know that  "you are not alone".

 

"A change was possible for me. Now I have a way of understanding these thoughts. They no longer hurt me. And when they appear, I know I have the tools to understand them, and the pain always stops. There is a way."

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mariana den Hollander
• Release date: Nov 12, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393789222

Mariana den Hollander

Mariana den Hollander Miranda nació en San José, Costa Rica, y como ella misma se denomina, es un híbrido entre su tierra natal y Holanda. Estudió Artes Plásticas en la Academia Real de Bellas Artes de La Haya y desde su infancia ha vivido en diferentes países del mundo. Actualmente reside en Bélgica, donde se dedica al arte y el diseño textil como carrera de vida y a seguir escribiendo y compartiéndose como lo ha hecho siempre. El peso que más pesa es su primer libro, originalmente publicado en Barcelona en el 2007 con Aurea Editores, y es un testimonio escrito por una chica que le habla a otros jóvenes. Cuando escribió este libro, su meta siempre fue hacer sentir a otras personas que a pesar de nuestras inseguridades, podemos ser felices hoy. Aunque lo publicó por primera vez cuando aún no existía el movimiento del Body Positivism, su intención principal era transmitir a sus lectores que los pensamientos negativos y dolorosos sobre nosotros mismos los tenemos todos y que sí existe la posibilidad de disfrutar de tu vida hoy sin cambiar nada de ti mismo. Actualmente, está escribiendo dos libros más: La reina del rechazo, que ya está en proceso de edición y trata sobre el rechazo que ha sufrido, y además está escribiendo un tercer libro sobre las relaciones amorosas en su vida.

Book preview

For Aunt Isabel, to whom I have always dedicated my book. To mom and Ana Marta. My mothers, my trinity.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To Dad, for teaching me what unconditional love means and a little bit more.

To Tevi, Irene and Nico, for that love and complicity that unites us.

To Silvia Rodriguez for believing in this project and being her godmother, friend and a little bit more.

To Sven, for the light and grace with which he walks this earth.

To my editor, Erika Wrede, for reminding me for whom I write. The universe colluded and brought me to you.

To Daniela Miranda, my editor in the English language, for very lovingly and willingly accepting to be part of The Heaviest Weight’s project. Thank you so much.

To Catalina Brenes, for your art, for reading and representing me.

To Valeria and Shari, for helping me add inclusion and diversity to the book.

FOREWORD

Dear 22 year old Mariana,

Adult Mariana is speaking to you twenty years from now from Brussels, where you live today. I am here to tell you that, one day, you are going to love your body and yourself, and it will be like magic because you will not have to go on a diet, find the man of your life, or win the lottery. You will be a successful woman who will live her life according to her rules and your most important goal will always be your happiness and freedom. Can you believe it? You are going to live in many countries, your heart will be broken a thousand times, and many painful things will happen that will make you grow up and become a strong and wonderful woman. Like those women you admire so much in the novels of Isabel Allende and Marcela Serrano.

I want you to know that you are going to publish books, make art; you are going to believe in yourself and you are going to learn how to marry yourself before anyone else. You are going to lose weight and, by the time you lose that physical weight, you are going to realize that it was not as exciting as you thought. Your life will barely change, and more importantly, by the time you lose weight and you get all that outside praise for your body, it will not mean that much to you. You’re going to flirt and date more, yes, but you won’t find the connection you long for with a partner. You will be free from needing external validation because you already have it from yourself. You will also learn to manage your anxiety as you work through all of those issues in your life that worry and frustrate you so much. Anxiety will give way as you learn to give yourself the love and understanding that you crave. Anxiety will cease, don’t worry. Just be patient and keep going your way.

And let me tell you that by the year 2020, there will be a movement called Body Positivity, which for you right now is completely unknown. There will be women with bodies as fat as yours, or even bigger, giving yoga classes in yoga pants, and there will be amazingly beautiful models of sizes above 22 and higher than XXL. It’s amazing! There will be internet accounts that will promote the love of our body as it is, and models that will be dedicated to teaching how Photoshop, the fashion industry, and deceptive marketing alter and promote unrealistic standards of beauty. And something you won’t believe: high fashion houses will start designing clothes for women your size. Times will change and the day will come when you won’t be the only woman with a big body who will learn to love herself.

Oh and get ready, because there will finally be many human rights movements that you will love. Conversations that you now only dare to have with very few people in your life will become global issues and give rise to large social movements, like the representation and respect for LGBTQI people. Same-sex couples will be able to marry, and people will be able to choose the gender that best represents them. Feminism and women’s struggle for equality will become more alive around the world. And, little by little, women’s rights will be more recognized, and violence against women less accepted and much more condemned.

A lot of life is coming, Mariana. You’re going to follow mom’s advice to always seek help when you feel you have a lot on your plate. You will seek therapy and learn to improve your self-esteem and work with your story and your pain to transform it into your life’s career. Rest assured that you will do life wonderfully.

With Love,

You

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

What I am most ashamed of in life is having become fat and that means:

1.  My body is disgusting.

2.  I look gross naked.

3.  Men don’t like the way I look.

4.  I am not disciplined.

5.  I am lazy.

6.  I will never form a family.

7.  I’m wasting my best years by being fat.

8.  I don’t deserve good sex.

9.  I will never be accepted.

10. I am ashamed of myself.

11. I don’t deserve to be happy.

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My name is Mariana den Hollander Miranda and I have lived much of my life having these thoughts about myself. The shame of getting fat has been my deepest and most painful secret. The thing that has caused me the most frustration, anger, sadness, and tears.

I have seen how people all over the world share many of these feelings with me. I always thought I was alone with them but, since I opened up to talk about this problem, I have realized that I am definitely not alone. What has been most amazing to find out is that what we would call model-like women also have these same thoughts about themselves. This has tormented me for a long time: the women I have wanted to look like think the same thing I think about myself? Do they think that they are ugly or not pretty enough? How is this possible?

I have one friend in particular that comes to mind. She is tall, thin and has a beautiful face. Really one of those women that makes heads turn as she walks into any room. And she is the most stressed out person I know in terms of her weight. If she gains a pound, she goes crazy. She lives on what I see as a lifelong diet. She writes down daily what she eats on cards she carries around in her purse. I remember once, when I saw her writing down what she was eating, I thought something was wrong with the world if even women like her had to worry about their weight like that. She had never been fat, not even close to it. However, in order to prevent the same mental nightmare that I was living, she became obsessed and worried even though she had the perfect looking body. So, she was basically living the same life as me. Different bodies, same hell. And if I’m 100% honest, I think my friend suffers from orthorexia, but you know what I have realized? I think that of all of the women my age I know in Costa Rica, including friends from other Latin American countries, I only know one who eats freely and in peace. It is almost as if the normal thing here is to have some degree of an eating disorder.

I have fought with myself not to be like that. I swore I would never go that far even if I was the biggest woman in the world. Who was I kidding? She and I were a reflection of each other, even though her body was smaller than mine.

I have found that we are trying to fix the problem backwards. If being overweight is the problem, why is the diet industry growing while the global obesity rates keep rising at an appalling rate? Instead, statistics show an increase in eating disorders and suicides, especially among girls and young women. I have tried every diet there is. Regimens that include psychological help along with a diet and exercise plan. I have tried meditation, seeking my own acceptance, and nothing worked for me. Something was missing. Like a screw that won’t fit.

Today I am the dream of the woman I always wanted to be. It was a great relief to realize that my problem had nothing to do with weight. I found a way to be happy. There has been a transformation in all aspects of my life: relationships, work, friendships, body image, energy—everything!

I am not saying that people should not lose weight or that I am against losing weight. I believe in being happy today, and this book is about how I lost the weight that I felt was killing me: the weight of the thoughts that told me that with the body I had, I could never be happy. What I know about myself today and how my mind works is what I want to share with you. I feel that what I have discovered about my problems with my body can serve as a tool for others. Through my journey, I found that there is very little help for the real pain of feeling ugly, of not being enough, of eating disorders, and image obsession.

I want to share with you how I have faced my thoughts about all of these feelings. This is what hurt me the most and where I can speak from my heart. However, I am very aware that what hurt me the most was feeling very alone. I believe that my story can accompany anyone who feels they do not fit in, who is not straight or identifies as non-binary, or whose family history weighs on or embarrasses them. Feeling alone is devastating and no one should believe that their pain is unique. There are many of us on the planet, and we are connected.

Maybe following a diet and exercise plan is all you need to be happy. I know that diets were not the solution for me. They failed me over and over again: they did not eliminate my pain. They removed the fat from my body, but the pain stayed with me. I still felt that something was not right. There were several times when I lost weight and diets made my body thinner, but the pain was still alive and brought me back to the line of thinking that made me feel less, eat more, and gain the weight I had lost. An endless cycle that only caused me more anxiety and depression. I kept trying diets because the world told me that it was the way to go. However, I found a method that worked for me. One way in which all I have to do is answer a few questions with the truth and my whole life can be turned around to become a sweet and loving life.

I know the pain of thinking: I’ll never be good enough until I lose weight..., I should cover my ass with a bigger blouse..., I hope he doesn’t see me naked when he turns on the light..., I wish I had her body..., My nose is too big..., My legs are too skinny. I know the pain of getting up in the morning, looking in the mirror and hating what you see. I know this problem is huge. It is almost invisible, untouchable, and it is everywhere. It does not matter what age, nationality, ethnicity, or religion you are. It does not matter if you weigh 90 or 200 pounds. A change was possible for me. Now I have a way of understanding these thoughts. They no longer hurt me. And if they ever do, I know