Freedom: What I Thought Love Was

By Jeanene Samuels

Love is an action word, but Jeanene has always known that. She thought that if you loved someone unconditionally, it would be reciprocated automatically—but she learned that was not the case. In this book, Jeanene recounts some of her most important relationships, including her family and her husband. She remembers and reflects on a time when she was naïve about love. This is a recap of her journey and discovering she had to love herself first. Jeanene's memories, poetry, and journal entries capture her story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9781387333608

Book preview

DEDICATION TO MY DAUGHTER

FREEDOM: WHAT I THOUGHT LOVE WAS

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I never realized the importance of words spoken into the universe until I found out I was having you. I've been saying for many, many years, If I don't have a child by the time I'm 30 years old I'm not having children. Then one day I decided to take a pregnancy test and it was positive and I was 30. I was at a crossroads with whether I should have you or not. And honestly, when I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was conflicted. But for the first time in my life, I chose for myself and my happiness.

So, at that moment I decided I was going to be a mother and that was the best decision I've ever made in my life. And now you are here, and you are mine.

You are special, perfect, blessed, and loved. And this book is a dedication to you for you to know my journey and how you got here. Furthermore, I want you to know that I may be the first person to love you but the most important love of all is the love you have for yourself. When you love yourself unconditionally you won't have to look for the love you deserve from others. Love yourself, first baby girl.

Our Affirmation: I love myself.

Introduction

From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I have survived.

- Unknown

Love is fickle when you don't know what it looks like. If you don't have the best examples of a healthy loving relationship, you will mimic what is and has been around you. That is my story.

My mother had me because she wanted someone to love, and the funny thing is in a way I had my daughter for the same reason. With all I had experienced in my life and the lack of love I always carried with me I just knew I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to give my child the love, I thought I did not have. However, by the time I became pregnant my daughter helped me learn to love and choose myself; not the man I wanted or was dealing with, she helped me choose myself for the very first time. I cried the day I choose to continue my pregnancy because I knew that I would probably be a single mother and I was scared, maybe even terrified.

But it was like a light bulb went off and I had more love and support around me than I ever thought would be possible. Within those 9-10 months of pregnancy, I knew exactly what love was. It was something I always knew. It was unconditional.

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Before motherhood, I was in different relationships over time where I loved all these men in different ways. No one I loved intimately was ever the same kind of love, but it was always unconditional for me. I thought and believed, which I still do believe, that you love with an open heart, and you love unconditionally. What I discovered in my journey with the opposite sex is that our values had to match, and we had to be in alignment with one another, and I learned that the way you learn most things is by trial and error. I used to say to my mother I would never love a man for more than 10 years let alone 5 years because that is too long to love someone that isn't loving you back. I watched my mother love my father for a long time and I said to myself I never will. Knowing now how powerful words are, I did not realize that I put myself on a clock. As I got older, I told myself after a while if this relationship is not going anywhere, I had to let the person go. In most cases that was the result. I will love you from afar and even try to be friends with you but going into the relationship again I did not restart the clock I continued it until time ran out.

Now that I am older, I have come to several realizations.

I am my parents' daughter meaning I can identify what characteristics I got from my parents. I have also developed my characteristics separate from them. How these characteristics play themselves out in my intimate relationships has shown over time.

I learned about love through how I watched my mother give love to everyone except herself. How do you think that went for me? As people we mimic what we see growing up and what has happened around us; we never truly recognize how we are treating others or ourselves. I gave my all in relationships, not realizing that I was receiving the bare minimum in return, but I accepted it. Shame on me for not knowing my worth. Now I do and I am going to take you on a journey of what I thought love was and how I learned to set myself free.

The poem below I wrote when I was working with my students to identify whom they present themselves as versus who they are on the inside. Which leads to how I presented myself in many of my relationships.

Inner & Outer Self (My Self Portrait)

Outside I present as many things….

Ambitious, Hardworking, Kind, Serious, Thoughtful, Caring, Friendly, Sweet, Assertive, Articulate, Loving, and Humble to name a few.

However, what many don't know is What goes on inside of me that I don't share…

My fears, pains, insecurities, and what makes me nervous

Like how sensitive I am, my hesitance, my anxiety, my selfishness, how uncertain I feel, How down or heartbroken I may be at times

This is my presentation and my secrets Now, who am I when you look at me? Because I just gave you, my self-portrait.

- 30 yr. old, soon-to-be mother, self

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The Beginning – Chapter 1

"Understanding your familial pathology is being reflective of where you came from and the