Rick & Bubba for President: The Two Sexiest Fat Men Alive Take on Washington

By Rick Burgess, Bill Bussey and Martha Bolton

Get double the presidential fun with the radio hosts guaranteed to bring carbs back to the White House. Take a stand for God, country, and apple pie!

Still wondering who to vote for?

Well, wonder no more. In Rick & Bubba for President you’ll discover that the two self-proclaimed “Sexiest Fat Men Alive” are exactly what Washington needs. From global warming (“We’d get involved, but it’s just been so doggone hot lately.”), to updating Air Force One (“Hasn’t it gone without a pizza over long enough?”), it’s obvious that Rick and Bubba have the fresh ideas that Americans have been waiting for.

Whether male or female, Republican, Democrat, Independent, or undecided, we can all agree on one thing: two heads of state have got to be better than one. So get out the White House barbeque! Rick and Bubba are headed to Washington!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Jun 3, 2008
• ISBN: 9781418568146

Book preview

RICK&

BUBBA

FOR PRESIDENT

The Two Sexiest Fat Men Alive

Take on Washington

0849918782_ePDF_0004_007

© by Rick Burgess and Bill Bubba Bussey, 2008

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Published in association with the literary agency of Sanford Communications, Inc., Portland, Oregon.

Thomas Nelson, Inc. titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [e-mail].

Scripture references, unless otherwise marked, are taken from The Holy Bible, The New King James Version®. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Burgess, Rick.

   Rick and Bubba for president : the two sexiest fat men take on Washington / by Rick Burgess and Bill Bubba Bussey.

   p. cm.

  ISBN 978-0-8499-1878-0

   1. Presidents—United States—Election—Humor. 2. United States—Politics and government— Humor. I. Bussey, Bubba. II. Title.

PN6231.P693B84 2008

818’.602—dc22

2007052524

Printed in the United States of America

08 09 10 11 12 RRD 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

We dedicate this book to our military men and women

who are serving this country and protecting freedom

around the world. You are a different breed of human being,

and for your sacrifice we can never thank you enough.

2

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction: Why? Why Not?

Advantages of Co-Presidents

Our Campaign Strategy

Foreign Affairs

The National Debt

Campaign Funds

Newbies

The Rick and Bubba Presidential Library

Rick and Bubba Live from the White House

The FAA

A Taxing Situation

The Stephen Colbert Factor

Government on a Diet

Getting out the Vote

Press Conferences

Campaign Promises

A Few Changes

First Pets

First Ladies

Is There a Doctor in the (White) House?

Rick and Bubba’s Patients’ Bill of Rights

Our Cabinet

First Kids

Campaign Slogans

Why Betty Will Not Be Surgeon General

The Heat’s On

Rick and Bubba’s Backward Plan for America

One Nation under God

Setting a Few Things Straight

Washington Mishaps

We Do Solemnly Swear

The Debates

Front Porch Politics

The Underdog Wins

Reality Check

Rick and Bubba Are in the House

The Not-So-Secret Service

Royal Protocol

The Supremes . . . Court, That Is

Merry Christmas from DC!

Skeletons in Our Closet

Presidential Denials

Government Waste

Presidential Sound Bites

The Presidential Limousine

Term Limits

Sunrise, Sunset

Only in America

Air Force One

Crime and Punishment

First Pitch

Free Trade

4 Groups Whose Vote We Don’t Plan on Getting

Monumental Changes

The Balcony Vote

The Look

The Medical Disclosure

Completing the Smithsonian

Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize

The New List of Endangered Resources

What’s Right about America

Victory Speech for When All Major Networks Call the Race in Our Favor

Speech for When Networks Withdraw Their Premature Announcement of Our Victory

Concession Speech for When the Votes are Finally Counted and We’ve Been Found Wanting

Concession Speech for When the Fourth and Final Recount Has Been Performed and Every Hanging Chad Has Been Accounted For . . . and Once Again We’ve Been Found Wanting

When All Is Said and Done

Epilogue: From a Father’s Heart

2

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

First and foremost, we thank our Savior Jesus Christ. You came not to take life, but to give us life, that we may have it abundantly.We thank you for loving us enough to die in our place and defeat sin and death once and for all. Thank you for offering the only real peace that can only be obtained through GOD’S grace through you, His Son (see John 16:33).

We would also like to thank:

Our wives, Sherri and Betty. You are living proof that a man who has a godly wife has a good thing.

Our children—you are all a true blessing from God.

Rick: Brandi, Blake, Brooks, and Brody. (AKA: Jo Jo, Boomer, Big Love, and Taz—The Killer Bs)

Bubba: Hunter and Katelyn

And in loving memory of Bonner Cornbread Burgess. God has used your short two-and-a-half years on this earth to impact lives around the world.We look forward to being with you in eternity. In the meantime, we will be about our Father’s business and continue to see the impact of your life for the rest of our days on earth.

Our parents for raising us to know better (even though we don’t always accomplish this).

The entire Rick and Bubba staff (thirteen years together and still going): Calvin Speedy Wilburn, Don Juan DeMarco Williams, Ryan Greenwood, Scott The Tech Guy Ferguson, Jim Dunaway, Ken Bones Hearns, James Spann,Mark Gentle, and interns past, present, and future.

Thank you to our parent company, Cox Broadcasting, to the staff at Thomas Nelson, to David Sanford, David Marsh, and Bob Carey and everyone at Syndicated Solutions.

Special thanks to Martha Bolton. (You’re probably sick of Rick and Bubba by now.)

Note from Martha: Are you kidding? Never!

Super special thanks to our radio affiliates across the country and everyone who listens to our program.Without you, we would just be two fat guys talking to each other.

2

INTRODUCTION

WHY? WHY NOT?

Why are two radio personalities from Alabama running for the co-presidency of the United States? Aren’t there already enough contenders in the presidential race? Even a comedian and threw his hat into the ring! (Like many of you, we had a hard time figuring out which one that was, too.)

For the record—and so there is no problem with the Election Board—we are not seeking to have our names printed on the ballot.We understand that talk show host and funnyman Stephen Colbert actually took out election papers to declare his candidacy in at least one state. That costs money; therefore, we will not be doing that. Instead, we are going after the write-in vote. If enough people want us to run (and they remember how to spell our names), we are willing to go to Washington and lead our country for the next four or eight years. If they don’t, we are willing to go to Disney World and forget the whole thing.We’re easy.

We also care deeply about our country.We think the direction America is heading (no trans fats, no white bread, and no sugar) is a dangerous one. Are we all blind? Don’t we see what’s happening? This is a ploy by our enemies to make us weak. They are trying to get us so hungry for carbs that we’ll surrender everything at the first offer of a good cheeseburger.

So, to introduce our platform, the first thing we will do if we are elected co-presidents is to bring sanity back to the American diet. We grew up on white bread. We ate enough trans fats to plug up Niagara Falls. Sugar was one of our food groups. And we’re both still here.

We think the leading candidates and talking heads are missing one important distinction in the political debate: America is known as the land of the free. But our forefathers never meant for it to be calorie-free.Where is that in the Constitution?

We want America to finally get the worldwide respect and honor she deserves.We believe we can help make some positive changes in our country. We want to do whatever we can to be a part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. But the main reason we’re running for office is to get our citizens off of this whole dieting kick.

And of course, there are all those campaign dinners, too.

So read on to find out where we stand on the issues, what changes we would propose, and what life would be like under a Rick and Bubba copresidency. Hopefully, you’ll be enlightened, have some laughs, and realize what a great country our nation is—with or without the two sexiest fat men alive in office.

2

ADVANTAGES OF

CO-PRESIDENTS

The idea of a co-presidency is relatively new to the American political scene. The closest we’ve come to such a concept is Bill and Hillary Clinton, or Hillary and Bill, depending on the election year.

The idea has some merit, and some say it’s long overdue. That is why this November you will have the opportunity to elect a new type of candidate. We want to be the first official co-presidency candidates in America.

What are the advantages of a Rick and Bubba co-presidency?

3 We could save the country a fortune by taking advantage of two-for- one specials at all the Washington DC eating spots.

3 When one of us makes a mistake, we could blame it on the other one and leave the usual scapegoat, the vice-president, completely out of it.

3 At press conferences we could interview each other and not leave anything to unpredictable reporters.

3 The way our system works now, very few Americans ever get the opportunity to serve as president. If we start electing dual presidents, or someday maybe even group presidents, it will substantially increase all of our chances of one day getting to live in the White House.

3 Americans will be able to take comfort knowing their president is well rested:When we go on Meet the Press one of us can take a nap while the other one answers the questions.

3 If one of us chokes on a pretzel, the other one will be nearby to do the Heimlich.

3 Sometimes it takes more than one president to keep Congress in line.

3 If one of us loses our place in the State of the Union address, the other one can take over for him.

3 If one of us gets the nuclear codes mixed up with, say, our checking account number, the other one will probably catch the mistake.

3 And finally, the idea of a Rick and Bubba co-presidency is such a novel idea, we get to write a novel about it. (Okay, so it’s nonfiction, but authors are always mixing up those concepts nowadays anyway.)

2

OUR CAMPAIGN

STRATEGY

Every political campaign needs a plan of action. You have to know how you’re going to take the northern states, the eastern states, the West, and of course, the South. And most importantly, you have to know which states typically have the best food at their rallies.

We don’t mean to be presumptuous, but we believe that we could carry the Southern vote hands down. Southerners have a history of preferring one of their own in the White House. It’s sort of like having a relative living there; you can plan a stopover on your next RV trip and save on motel expenses.

Southerners are very patriotic, too.We stand for God, country, and apple pie. The two of us are so patriotic that at times we’ll even have seconds on the apple pie. If it’s the Fourth of July, we may eat the whole thing.

Another reason we’re confident we’ll be able to carry the South is that we both have plenty of relatives living there.We could take the whole state of Alabama if just our families showed up at the polls.

The western region of our country is a little more difficult to carry, mainly due to the fact that it has California. Californians use hummus as a dip.We’re not saying it’s unpatriotic to do this.We’re just saying that a bowl of squashed garbanzo beans is not a dip. Salsa is a dip. Cheese is a dip.Hummus is a caulking substance. This discrepancy could be a source of contention between us and the Golden State. Californians want someone in the White House who is on the same page when it comes to health food.We’re not on the same page. We’re not even in the same book.We won’t eat tofu, bean sprouts, or liver pâté. Not even for votes.We have our principles.

We’re not going to totally write off California, however. After all, they did give us Ronald Reagan, one of the greatest presidents America has ever known. (We don’t think he ate hummus either.)

We might do all right in the Northeast, even with New York.New Yorkers tend to vote Democratic, but they also like to eat. In this instance, our eating habits might work in our favor. New Yorkers pride themselves in being inclusive and politically correct.When you think about it, isn’t health food all about discrimination? When we sponsor public service announcements about Americans and their unhealthy diets, aren’t we discriminating against those citizens who happen to like calories?

We think so. That is why part of our platform will be to bring this nation back to a nondiscriminatory diet. We welcome eaters of all shapes and sizes, tastes, and preferences to join our campaign.We will not discriminate against white bread consumers. How narrow-minded and bigoted is that? We will not give special privileges to whole-grain eaters just because they can eat the roughage equivalent of a small patio for lunch. New Yorkers will appreciate our open-minded stance on this, which could actually give us a win in the Northeast.

Our handlers have assured us that the Midwest should also be ours for the taking. (We don’t really have handlers. It just sounds more official. The only handlers we have are our wives.) Since the Midwest has Chicago, another city that likes to eat, we figure the calorie-discrimination issue should play well there, too. We also believe that hummus is actually outlawed in Chicago, so that should go a long way in helping us take the Midwestern vote.

Granted, we might have a little trouble with the Northwest. Some of the voters and politicians in Washington and Oregon have gotten a few funny ideas over the years. Like euthanasia. Remember the euthanasia controversy some years back? Washington and Oregon were the two states that wanted such a law. Our platform is adamantly opposed to euthanasia, so we might lose a few votes in the Northwest. But we don’t care.When we get old and sick, we don’t want someone coming along and pulling the plug on us before our time. If they trip over it and it’s an honest mistake, that’s one thing. But other than that, we want to go out naturally. In fact, we’re kind of looking forward to lingering. It sounds kind of quiet and peaceful. You get to be with your family and pass the day away without a lot of interference from the outside world. The medical staff doesn’t go poking around on you with sharp objects either because they figure it’s just a matter of time before your bed becomes available.

When a month turns into two, and two months turn into two years or even longer, the deathwatch visits start to die off and everyone returns to life as normal.Meanwhile, you just keep right on lingering.You might even surprise everyone by still being around ten or twenty years past your presumed date of expiration, like some of the stuff in our refrigerators. This sort of thing has been known to happen. That’s why we don’t want anyone writing us off until God says it’s time for us to go home.

If we don’t take the Northwest because of our stand on euthanasia (actually, we believe most northwestern voters have changed their minds on this subject and have since voted against it), then we still have the rest of the country to help us win enough votes to sweep the Electoral College.

Yes, the foundation of our election system all comes down to electoral votes, doesn’t it? But what does anybody really know about the Electoral College, anyway? It has never made a lot of sense to us. How is it that you can win the popular vote, but still lose in the Electoral College? If the majority of the people vote for you, shouldn’t that make you the winner?

Apparently, this is the problem: If America did not have the Electoral College, then that would mean that the states with the highest population, such as California and New York, would always determine who runs the country for all the rest of the states. The Electoral College spreads the power around a little more evenly. This way, the heartland voters can be heard almost as loudly as the voters