Rick & Bubba's Expert Guide to God, Country, Family, and Anything Else We Can Think Of

By Rick Burgess, Bill "Bubba" Bussey and Martha Bolton

The New York Times–bestselling Southern manifesto from the “delightful team [that] blends down-home humor with rock-solid truth” (Max Lucado).

Rick and Bubba are two of America’s zaniest syndicated radio hosts. Now, Rick and Bubba bring their own brand of southern humor and homespun wisdom to the book world. Rick & Bubba’s Expert Guide to God, Country, Family, and Anything Else We Can Think Of is a sometimes touching, always hilarious, look at the world through Rick and Bubba’s eyes. Rick and Bubba wax eloquent on everything from little league soccer to the frustrations of getting the family ready for church on a Sunday morning, to big Southern hair.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Mar 5, 2006
• ISBN: 9781418553791

Book preview

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Rick and Bubba are two of the most talented people on radio today. I am proud to call them my friends and look forward to the day when their show blankets the nation!

—Sean Hannity, Syndicated radio host and co-host of Hannity & Colmes on FOX News

Need a reason to smile or thought to ponder? Rick and Bubba provide them daily to hundreds of thousands. This delightful team blends down-home humor with rock-solid truth. I love them!

—Max Lucado, New York Times best-selling author

Rick and Bubba are two of the friendliest and most talented guys I’ve ever met. They’re proof that there is a great desire for good, clean fun and entertainment in this country—entertainment filled with comedy, a whole lot of southern hospitality, and even a little compassion once in a while. Oh, and they actually smell better than you’d think.

—Frank Caliendo, as seen on MADtv and FOX’s NFL Pre-Game Show

Rick and Bubba have filled Rick and Bubba’s Expert Guide to God, Country, Family, and Anything Else We Can Think Of with the energy, optimism, and southern hospitality that makes their radio show such a blast.

—Newt Gingrich

I have had a chance to travel the country and hear hundreds of radio teams, and I cannot find a more powerful and entertaining duo than Rick and Bubba. These guys not only know the issues, but make it funny. And did I mention they have a few opinions?

—Brian Kilmeade, FOX News Channel co-host of Fox & Friends and author of The Games Do Count

Rick and Bubba are that rare duo who make you think and laugh. They’re human and humane, and they offer hope in a media that sometimes sounds and looks hopeless. They’re the best precisely because they don’t act like it.

—Neil Cavuto, FOX News Channel host of Your World with Neil Cavuto and Cavuto on Business

Rick and Bubba are two of the funniest, happiest, nicest people on the planet. Rick and Bubba’s Expert Guide to God, Country, Family and Anything Else We Can Think Of is every bit as good as their fast-paced radio show—and a great reminder why most Americans are optimists!

—Oliver North, Lt. Col., USMC (ret.)

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Rick & Bubba’s

Expert Guide to

God, Country,

Family, and

Anything Else

We Can Think Of

028-Rick_Bubba-3

Rick & Bubba’s

Expert Guide to

God, Country,

Family, and

Anything Else

We Can Think Of

Rick Burgess and Bill Bubba Bussey

with Martha Bolton

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Copyright © 2006, Rick Burgess and Bubba Bussey

All rights reserved. No portion of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published by W Publishing Group, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc., P. O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee 37214

W Publishing Group books may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [e-mail].

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984. International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Editorial Staff: Shady Oaks Studio, Bedford TX 76022

Cover Design: Tobias’ Outerwear for Books

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Burgess, Rick. Rick and Bubba’s expert guide to God, country, family, and anything else we can think of / Rick Burgess and Bubba Bussey (with Martha Bolton).

    p. cm.

Summary: Following Rick and Bubba’s radio talk show format, guide to life by regular people—Provided by publisher.

ISBN 0-8499-0992-9 (tradepaper)

    1. Christian men—Religious life—United States—Anecdotes. 2. Christian life—United States—Anecdotes. I. Title: Expert guide to God, country, family, and anything else we can think of. II. Bussey, Bubba. III. Bolton, Martha, 1951– IV. Title.

BV4528.2.B87    2006

248.8'42–dc22                                                               2005028171

Printed and bound in the United States of America

05 06 07 08 09 10 RRD 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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This book is dedicated to the one and only

living God. Because of his grace through

his son, Jesus Christ, we have the

peace that, no matter how bad things get,

everything is going to be all right.

To our wives and families, who have

supported us through the good and the

bad, and for providing most of our

material.

To everyone who watches

and listens to the show—you

have made our dreams come true,

and we are forever grateful.

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

PART 1: MARRIAGE, KIDS, AND

ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN THINK OF

Errand Boy

Family Portrait

It Was the Urologist!

Paintball Wars

New Furniture

Improvising at the Ballpark

Rick and Bubba’s Husbands’ Guide to Marriage

The Parent Games

The Not-So-Great Outdoors

Superdads and Super Bowls

Weighty Matters

Hunter’s Salute

Attack Baby

Parenting Book Burning

Cat Memories

Broken Promises

PART 2: FAST FOOD, SOUTHERN COOKING, AND

ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN THINK OF

It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This

Larry the Lobster

Rick and Bubba’s FYI: How to Eat Fish

Not So Quick Bites

Rick and Bubba’s Weight Loss Tips

Turkey Legs and Stomach Pumps

The Great Southern Breakfast

Food Contests and Festivals

Surprise, Surprise

Rick and Bubba’s Top Ten Favorite Foods

The Steak Debate

Rick and Bubba’s FYI: How to Eat a Pop Tart

Rick and Bubba’s List of Questionable Foods

PART 3: AMERICA, SPORTS, RANDOM DRAWING WINNERS,

AND ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN THINK OF

Land That We Love

Falling Through the Cracks

The Bad Samaritan

Fireworks

Hey, Where’d He Go?

I Ain’t Never Been Nowhere! (The Willie and Wanda Story)

Weeniegate

Rick and Bubba’s Top Ten Advantages of Being Stalked

Rick and Bubba’s FYI: The Guntersville Treaty

PART 4: GOD, FAITH, CHURCH, AND

ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN THINK OF

The Blessed Sabbath

Run for Cover!

Rock-a-Bye, Ricky

Curtain Call

Membership Has Its Privileges

Grand Entrances

The Casserole of 1989

Decisions Matter

A Special Dad and Baseball

How It All Started, and Anything Else We Can Think Of

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Acknowledgments

We would like to thank:

Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

All our families!

The Rick and Bubba Show staff: Calvin Speedy Wilburn, Don Juan Big D Demarco Williams, Ryan Greenwood, Mark Prater, Jim Dunaway, Chris Mileski, Roxanne, Casio-Matt Mitchell, John Byrd, Erik Hastings, Frank Cummings, Scott Ferguson, Mark Norman, Don Yessick, Ken Herns, Gary the Geek, interns past, present, and future.

Citadel Broadcasting, Dale Daniels, John Clark, John Parry, and everyone at Turner South.

Everyone at W Publishing Group, Martha Bolton, and David Sanford.

Max Lucado, and the whole staff with Tommy Nelson’s Hermie and Friends.

The whole staff at Shades Mountain Baptist Church, the Garnett-Henson Sunday school class, Rick Ousley and the whole staff at the Church of Brookhills, Don Acton & The Acton RBF, First Baptist Church—Jacksonville, John Norman, John Holloway, Lake View Baptist, Jerry Starlin.

Marvelous Marvin McCulla, Joe Rumore, Rick Sisk, and Dennis Deason, Gary Lee Love, Mark Thompson and Brian Phellps.

Jimmy Vineyard, Mark Bass, Davis Hawkins, Kerry Lambert, Jeff Tyson, Bill Thomas, Terry Bond, Robin Mathis, Ralph Mathis, J.B. Skelton, Ricky Huffman, Malcomb Street Sr., Doc Hudson, Rob Street, Mike Parris, Joe Woodard, George Salmon, Ted Allen, Rex Gardner, Dave Ramsey and staff, all the sales staffs that have sold The Rick and Bubba Show.

All the people we worked with at WLJS, WPID, WHMA, WJXL, WQEN, WYSF.

David Marsh, the Rice Brothers, P. K. Smartt.

Oxford High School Class of 1983, Jacksonville High School Class of 1982, Calhoun County Trade School Gang.

Sean Hannity, Ollie North, Newt Gingrich, Neil Cavuto, Brian Kilmeade.

Teresa Suco, Mike Suco and everyone at Coca Cola.

Troy University, Jacksonville State University, Communication Department at Jacksonville State University.

Mickey Shadrix, Donnie Adams, Mike Martin, Craig Higgins, Tracy Edwards, Greg The Bull Olsen, and anyone involved in the food fight of 1979.

Bill Cosby (I still copy you to this day—Rick).

Every advertiser of The Rick and Bubba Show past, present, and future.

Marc Phillips, Steve Sample, Curtis Byrd, Affordable Sound and Lights, John Robinson, Brad Ryan, Barry Ryan, Jerry Ryan, Bobby Horton, Kevin Derryberry, Keith Anderson, Gary Weinberger, Paul Thorne, Johnny Ruffino, Jennifer B. Fine.

Every radio station that carries The Rick and Bubba Show.

Governor Bob Riley and family.

Everyone with the Tennessee Titans, Adventure Travel.

All of our teachers, coaches, and mentors.

Major John Turner, J.E. Law, Joe Garrett, Terry Marbut, John Murrell, Troy Pennington, Frank Giardina, Jerry Claybrook, Jimmy Chivers.

Ham radio operators everywhere CQ CQ, Harold Romine, Jerry Cook, Lawrence Ramsey, Jim Vice, and The Old A.A.E.R.C. bunch.

Mickey Dean, James Gregory, Tim Wilson, Killer Beaz, Henry Cho, John Morgan, Frank Caliendo, Shoey, Brian Regan, Brian Dorfman, John Paneta, Andy Andrews, Rik Roberts, Scotty K, Bruce, Dena & Tony @ The Stardome.

Third Day, Casing Crowns, Toby Mac, Tait, Big Daddy Weave, The Crabb Family, Barlow Girl, and all the rest of you singing for the kingdom!

Scott Dawson & the SDEA, Mark Whitlock, Larry and Mark and all our hunting buddies.

Todd Jones, Philip Causey, David Fugit.

Premiere Speaker Bureau.

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Introduction

If you bought this book hoping to read about two perfect families with well-behaved kids and husbands who run errands and baby-sit without any complaints or catastrophes; if you wanted a book by authors who are passive about their country, indifferent about God, and gung-ho about the latest diet or exercise craze, boy, have you picked up the wrong book!

Rick and Bubba’s Expert Guide to God, Country, Family, and Anything Else We Can Think Of is everything that other book you were looking for isn’t. It’s about two guys who consider counting calories heresy and can’t figure out why the world’s gotten so paranoid about carbs. It’s a book about two husbands who have failed time and again at their household chores but lived to tell about it. It’s about two Superdads who are battle weary from miscalculated fireworks displays, mistimed diaper changes, Little League games gone awry, and trying to get the kids ready for church on Sunday morning.

Rick and Bubba’s Expert Guide to God, Country, Family, and Anything Else We Can Think Of fills a vacuum. The shelves of bookstores all across America are already filled with books written by experts who confidently tell us in 426 pages or less why everything we’re doing is wrong. We should be doing things their way, but even they don’t agree. But now that the bookstores, the talk shows, and the magazine racks have all heard from the experts, it’s time the world had a book representing the rest of us. In fact, it’s long overdue.

It’s also time to give long overdue praise to Southern cooking, the eighth wonder of the world. It’s time to put into print the agonizing details of our Free Trip to L.A. with Rick and Bubba! random drawing winners, Willie and Wanda. It’s time to confess that Bubba was almost gunned down at church one Sunday by a lunatic gunman (and you think your church business meetings get a little rough). And finally, it’s time to set the record straight on several issues:

1. Family portraits can be hazardous to your marriage.

2. If elected as co-presidents in a write-in ballot, we would proudly serve.

3. It was the urologist who did it.

That is what this book is about—and more. It’s the world according to us, Rick and Bubba. If you’re a regular listener to our radio show or if you tune into Turner South and watch us on television, then you’ll be happy to know that there are a few of your favorite stories in here and plenty of new ones too. And for all of you newbies who haven’t as yet experienced our personal take on life, well, all we can say is, grab yourself some barbecue, pull up a chair, and come on in. You might even want to pop the free Best of Rick and Bubba CD that’s in the back of this book into your CD player and crank up the volume while you read. Welcome to the outspoken, offbeat, uncensored, and unashamed world of Rick and Bubba.

Part 1

Marriage, Kids, and

Anything Else

We Can Think Of

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Errand Boy

HAVE ANY OF YOU MARRIED MEN ever noticed how easy it is to go from being a well-respected professional, who has worked hard to get to a certain position in life, to being nothing more than an errand boy for your wife? Even some of the most powerful men on earth—CEOs, celebrities, and world leaders—have been seen walking into grocery stores with a list of items to pick up for their wives before they dared to come home. I don’t know if this is a power trip for women or if they think running errands is the modern-day version of dragon slaying to prove how much we love them. Whichever it is, wives do seem to enjoy sending their men out on errands.

I have trained myself to check in with my wife, Sherri, every time I leave the house to see if she needs me to do anything while I’m out. It’s a preemptive maneuver. If I ask what she wants me to do before she has time to get a list together, she will only name one or two things. But if I give her time, she will keep adding to the list until it’s so long that to accomplish it all I will never be able to return home again.

One day, though, she had just three things for me to do. The first thing on the list was to go by the toy store and pick up a few last-minute Christmas gifts that we still needed to buy. Then I was to pick up pictures of the baby at a photography store. And finally, she wanted me to stop by the optometrist’s and pick up her new glasses. None of it seemed too demanding, so I agreed.

Now, because of its location, I decided that the toy store would be my first stop. I knew what I was going to get, and I figured it would take me ten minutes tops. What I didn’t factor in, however, was that just before Christmas, the customers at this store have been known to wait in line long enough for the teenage clerk to qualify for retirement.

I grabbed the toys and suffered through the shortest checkout line, then I got in my car and headed off to my next stop, Sherri’s optometrist. I made good time and was feeling pretty pleased with myself. That is until I got out of my car, felt for my wallet, and realized it wasn’t there. I checked under the car seat, on top of the sun visor, and in the side pockets. The wallet was nowhere to be found. Now a little bit of panic started to kick in.

I mentally retraced all my steps back to where I’d last had my wallet. The toy store. It had to be there. I had taken it out of my pocket to give the girl my debit card. Maybe I’d left it on the counter. Maybe I dropped it when I went to put it back in my pocket. Or maybe it was somewhere in the parking lot.

I called the toy store on my cell phone and heard the recorded voice tell me how important my call was. The voice repeatedly told me this for the next fifteen minutes. Just as I started to say, If my call is important to you, I wouldn’t be here holding for fifteen minutes! the clerk finally came on the line. I explained my situation to her and asked if anyone had reported finding my wallet.

Now, if you’ve ever lost your wallet or purse, you know exactly what was running through my mind. I was playing out all the scenarios that could be happening to my wallet at that very moment, and none of them were good. I was thinking that right at that moment someone had my debit and credit cards and was buying all the things that I had denied myself for the past twenty years. That was the worst pain of all. Hey, why should he get to have a Jet Ski? I’ve been wanting one for years! Tickets to the Super Bowl? I can’t afford those and make the mortgage too!

You also start thinking about all the other important things that were in your wallet, things that you’re going to have to replace. Like your driver’s license. But I remembered that I didn’t really like the picture on the