The Self Decoded: Living With Freedom, #2

By Lawrence V. Fernandes

The Self has been a topic of exploration for centuries, and it has remained an enigma all this while. This book goes to its depth and opens the lid so that a layperson can understand its making and working. 

 

Lawrence V. Fernandes builds on the concepts introduced in his ground-breaking first book, Stop Surviving Start Living with Freedom, to help you understand the mystery of your existence and know why you are the way you are.

 

This book comprises certain discoveries the author has made about the working of the human mind and its dynamic in his therapy career of 24 years as a Hypnotherapist and Neuro-Linguistic Programmer.

 

The word "SELF" has been part of our everyday communication. Here are a few examples:

I am angry with myself.

I hate myself.

I don't trust myself.

I don't understand myself.

I am proud of myself.

In the above sentences, it looks as if there are two people. "I hate myself" can be presented as "Tom hates Tim." Now the question is, who is "I," and who is "myself" that I hate in the above sentence? We can ask the same question in other sentences. The book deciphers who the Self is and its construct.

 

Besides the Self, the book covers related topics such as Self-talk, Self-sabotage and Self-image in a fresh and interesting way.

 

In fact, inside us, there are two systems running in parallel. One is our survival mechanism, which helps us to survive, discussed in the author's earlier book, Stop Surviving Start Living With Freedom. The other is our Self, imposing rules and limitations on us to protect us, to which we must adapt. Reading the book will help one understand the Self, a powerful system that governs us. If we don't comply, it can punish or, at times, even destroy us. Our own survival mechanism -- our operating system -- makes us comply with the demands of our Self. This book describes how we do it.

 

The Self may look complex, but the book provides a simple and easy way for readers to understand its making and functioning. It explores topics such as:

How does our Self come into existence?

What is it made up of?

How does the Self filter most of our decisions?  

What is Self-image and how does it become a roadmap for us in life?

How do we pick up the dreams, wishes, and expectations of others and make them our own goals?

Why do we end up seeing ourselves through the eyes of others?

 

While the Self has an important purpose in keeping us safe, as individuals, we must comply with it. If we don't fulfill its demands, it can sabotage our progress and make us experience negative emotions. Our Self doesn't allow us to make decisions freely but routes them through the Self. Since the decision-making is in the hands of others, our destiny also gets governed by them. All this happens at an unconscious level beyond our awareness.

 

Reading this book will make you understand and become aware of your Self and survival mechanism, the dynamic between the two, and how it constricts your true potential from being realized. This awareness will allow you to exercise your free will in creating a life you consciously choose.

 

As they say, the solution is often found in the problem.

 

The solutions offered are at two levels— one at the level of our survival mechanism and the second on how to deal with our Self. When you understand the making of the Self and its agenda, this clarity defuses the issues you experience. The book provides step-by-step solutions on how to understand and deal with the Self.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lawrence V. Fernandes
• Release date: Feb 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9789357682893

Lawrence V. Fernandes

Lawrence V. Fernandes has been a practicing clinical Hypnotherapist and Neuro-Linguistic Programming since 1998. He was confounded by some of the unshakable beliefs of his clients until he made this discovery. In this book, he expounds on his observations of a human survival system affecting every humankind, which he believes hasn't been explored before.

Book preview

Introduction

The False Self must be abandoned before the Real Self can be found

—Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

A word of caution: The book reveals what makes you do what you do - your core survival patterns, that is, your behaviors, characteristics, beliefs and thinking style of which you are unaware. For some of you, these revelations could be uncomfortable or even painful. I’m not implying that you do what you do consciously or intentionally. All of it is happening unconsciously, beyond your awareness, as a result of your survival mechanism and the Self. Importantly, it’s worth bearing in mind that anything you discover about your behaviors from reading this book is a stepping stone to living a life of greater freedom. That’s only possible when we unshackle our being from our survival patterns and the dominance of the SELF.

***

As humans, we are born so that we can live. It would be fair to say that most of us would like to not only live, but live life with ease and freedom. However, the vast majority of people rarely experience this, including those who are well-off or successful.

The reason for this is that our daily lives are driven by our survival mechanism, of which we are unaware. While we may believe we are adults living out of free will, making our own choices, deciding our goals, in reality, that is not true. We are compelled to exist in a certain way for security, acceptance, or approval, no matter who we are. There is an internal system that results in us feeling what we must do, have to do, or should do.

If we are to live life with freedom, we need to first understand our survival mechanisms more deeply and patiently work through our traits with awareness. There are two systems within us that govern our lives, which we need to recognize and deal with. One of them is the Survival Model, described in my previous book, STOP SURVIVING START LIVING WITH FREEDOM: Understand and decode the inborn operating system that controls you. Through this book, I will describe the other one, known as the Self. 

As readers embark on their journeys of unraveling their survival systems, it would be important for them to remember the purpose underpinning it: to experience genuine freedom and ease in life.

*

This book is, in many respects, a continuation of Stop Surviving Start Living with Freedom. Every one of us is our parents' desire, but the chaos experienced by our parents at conception determines our survival mechanism. Our stories begin not at our birth or at conception but even before then. The unique circumstances and factors that led to our parents’ union in partnership or marriage, along with their personalities, affect their emotions and decision-making around goals. There is no greater goal they have than to bring a new person into the world.

The couple’s relationship dynamic affects the emotional state of the woman when she is pregnant, which communicates a message to her unborn child of him/her being wanted, partly wanted, or unwanted. I go on to explain how we receive an operating system for the body, known as the Survival Model when each of us is in our mother’s womb. It is responsible for our survival and preservation. This operating system becomes the de facto system of our body, making us adapt to the goal of survival, which overshadows any other goal we choose later in life. By way of making us adapt for survival, it affects and controls our identity, behaviors, communication, thinking process, decision-making, and the nature of our relationships. We operate out of a hypnotic trance due to our Survival Model. The result is that survival becomes our primary goal throughout our lives, and we do not live. It limits us from living freely by compelling us only to survive. We are unaware of it because it was installed before we were born, so we are unconscious of how it governs every aspect of our life. The root emotion that fuels the Survival Model is fear, an undercurrent in our lives.

The Survival Model has three variants, each of which functions towards the same goal of making us survive. They are analogous to the different operating systems of mobile phones — iOS, Android, and Windows OS — each of which controls the functioning of the hardware of a mobile phone. The unborn child, who is wanted by both the parents, picks up the Survival Model of a Wanted Child. The unborn child, who is not welcomed by one of the parents, picks up the Survival Model of a Partly Wanted Child. If the unborn child is unwanted by both parents, especially the mother, but she is compelled to give birth, the child picks up the Survival Model of the Unwanted Child. These three categories are different from one another because of their distinct survival traits — the personality traits and behaviors the children develop to survive, which are unique and diverse. The child carries these survival traits into their adult life. So, it is important to note that a Wanted Child is a personality type that one carries from infancy to adulthood, and I am not referring just to a child. The same holds true for a Partly Wanted Child and an Unwanted Child. 

A Wanted Child is one who is much wanted by both parents, who have a shared goal of bringing a child into their family. The excitement, dreams, aspirations, and wishes of the parents get communicated to the unborn child through the pregnant mother’s emotional state. Later, these are communicated to the child after s/he is born. Growing up, such a child understands well that s/he is the object of attention, much loved and cared for by his/her parents. S/he wants to prove worthy of the love and attention s/he receives. The way s/he does that is by fulfilling the expectations of the parents. To prove worthy becomes the overall goal and motivation in life for Wanted Children. Essentially, the child takes on the parents’ dreams, wishes, and aspirations as their own goals. Take, for instance, the choice of a particular career or the pursuit of wealth and success. These goals may be explicitly communicated by the parent or done so subtly. Not being able to match up to parents' expectations becomes an unconscious threat to such a person’s survival. That’s because s/he is worried that will lead to non-acceptance. Think of a young prince or princess, groomed to perfection by the king and queen, petrified of losing their position (and the crown) in a royal family; if what they fear would happen, their survival is in danger. So, s/he develops survival traits that make them remain wanted, a few of which can be highly stifling.

The survival traits of the Wanted Child are living up to parents’ expectations, performance orientation, fear of making mistakes, fear of judgment or being looked down on, impeccable integrity and loyalty to one’s clan, risk aversion and shyness, and being demanding. An elaborate explanation of their survival traits has been included in Chapter 17 of Stop Surviving Start Living with Freedom. Wanted Children live by constantly fitting into a self-image given to them by their parents. As they can see a self-image that guides them, it makes their visual faculties strong. They work untiringly for the sake of their parents, family members, and others who represent their clan. If they are unable to meet their parents’ expectations, they grow frustrated and even depressed, preferring to withdraw from society. All that is described above is an unconscious process and the Wanted Child is not aware of or in control of any of it.

A Partly Wanted Child is one who is wanted by one parent but not welcomed by the other parent. It could be because the latter parent has different goals in life and doesn’t want to be saddled with a child, or the birth is unplanned for which s/he is not ready. However, reluctantly, s/he goes on to play a supporting role in fulfilling his/her partner's or spouse’s wish to have the child. This creates uncertainty or a pattern of doubt in the pregnant mother, which gets communicated to the fetus. The Partly Wanted Child feels rejected by the parent who hasn’t welcomed them, so s/he doesn’t feel fully accepted. S/he craves complete acceptance. The way s/he goes about getting it is by pleasing the parent who s/he feels has rejected her.

Pleasing others is the hallmark trait of the Partly Wanted Child. Some of the other survival traits are trying to be a good girl or good boy, being highly conforming, non-assertive, being non-confronting and skirting issues, becoming a doormat for others, working hard for others, being a savior, being remarkably tolerant of injustices toward them, and showing excessive sympathy towards others. Their survival traits are explained in detail in Chapter 18 of Stop Surviving Start Living with Freedom. As they have strong kinesthetic faculties, they have a capacity for physical work. They carry the above traits into relationships with all important people in their lives. Over time, they can get exploited and experience great fatigue or burn out, which can make them retaliate against others. However, they cannot stand to lose their tag of being good boys and good girls. So they experience guilt and apologize or beg for forgiveness for their retaliation. Fear makes them stay this way. Their Survival Model compels them to survive in the world by pleasing others.

An Unwanted Child is one who has unfortunately been rejected by both parents — especially the mother. This is mainly due to the mother not accepting the father on account of their unhealthy or unharmonious relationship, resulting in her rejecting the child borne through him. She doesn’t want his child. Rejection of the father by the mother indirectly leads to the rejection of the child. Think of the unfortunate scenario of a woman being sexually abused. The unborn child is a constant reminder to her of that horrific act. This sends a message to the child of not being wanted. Of course, it does not have to be a scenario of abuse alone that can make a woman reject the man and his progeny. It has to do with the deep emotional state of the pregnant mother. The Unwanted Child who comes into the world experiences feelings of being rejected even before birth. His/her Survival Model makes it appear that there is danger or a threat to their survival in their environment. This is not about actual physical danger that s/he experiences, but how the child perceives the situation. Not knowing who to trust, s/he develops unique survival traits.

Since they have been rejected, Unwanted Children direct most of their energies towards getting acceptance from the world. Some of their traits are avoiding another rejection at all costs, showing a lack of trust, loneliness, seeking sympathy from others, craving attention, having low self-worth, and seeking recognition and the limelight. Besides this, they develop personalities that can be highly manipulative and deceptive while wanting complete control over others in their relationships. Dividing and ruling over people is a skill they possess. Other notable traits include being extremely single-minded in the pursuit of their goals, molding themselves for it, and disregarding the means in favor of their ends. Their auditory faculties are dominant. A detailed explanation of their survival traits has been included in Chapter 19 of Stop Surviving Start Living with Freedom. A number of the traits of Unwanted Children may appear negative. However, they do not do things intentionally but operate without awareness. There is an unconscious survival mechanism making them behave in a particular way.

All three types of personalities have their own Survival Models that govern their lives. No system is necessarily better than the other because each has its set of drawbacks. Each Survival Model compels a person to behave in a certain way in order to be accepted and survive, making one believe that that’s the way life is. This is paradoxically even true when it appears that one is thriving. A Wanted Child who meets or even exceeds expectations is still only surviving, for s/he is acting out the need for acceptance. Whether one rebels against the pressure exerted by one’s survival mechanism or submits to it (fight or flight), one experiences stress and a gamut of negative emotions. A person cannot defeat or control the operating system that is ensuring his/her survival. It’s also important to note that one CANNOT opt-out of a Survival Model. Everyone has received it from nature before birth. 

*

The focus of this book moves to the topic of "the Self," which is another system within us that compels us to survive. As I explain, the Self is our parents and their beliefs, concepts, ideas, and rules of living that we absorb when we are young. As time progresses, there are more people we imbibe into the Self to form an expanded Self. They could be our spouse, boss, authority figures, peers, relatives, and friends. The goal of a person’s Self is to protect their body against danger or harm. 

A child’s Self comes into existence between the age of three and eight. The main intention of every parent is to ensure a child is protected and safeguarded during his/her early growing years. The same positive intent is taken over by the child’s Self and continues even when s/he grows up to be an adult. A person’s Self performs its functions by repeating rules, beliefs, and ideas to him/her (sometimes through Self-talk) that were taught to him/her by parents when s/he was growing up. In that sense, the Self is always guiding us.

Parents start to place expectations on a child while s/he is growing up, which continues into adulthood. The child, using the survival traits of his/her Survival Model, tries their best to cope with those expectations, which are the goals of the parents. Each of the three types of personalities has a different mechanism operating within them. The Wanted Child chases a Self-image — an image of what the parents would like them to be. S/he is anxiously comparing their own actual performance with the specifications of the Self-image. The underlying thought is, Am I matching up to how others would like to see me? The Partly Wanted Child is given no clear Self-image. Hence, s/he relies on direct instructions given by the parent, who is more significant to them, to fulfill the specific goals of that parent. The Unwanted Child is gifted with a unique mechanism, that of a dummy Self, which takes over the child’s system whenever s/he faces the threat of rejection. This will be explained in Section III.

A child uses their Survival Model to cope with the pressure exerted by the Self. This friction between two survival systems creates emotions and leads to Self-sabotage, where a person is overwhelmed by their Self.

The examples I use in the book are of people who have come to me for therapy or those who I know well. Their names have been changed to hide their identities.

Section I of the book is about how a child survives in the environment s/he grows up in. While parents may love a child, their own goals, wishes, and dreams for the child become the ones the latter unconsciously strives to achieve. The child does this to feel accepted. This is a natural and inevitable outcome, as the young one is wholly dependent on the parents for survival. Non-acceptance from them in any way equates to an existential threat at such a young age. The Self, which is the internalized parents, then takes over and becomes the internal compass that guides the child.

Section II elaborately covers the topic of the Self. It shows how a child’s Self comes into existence. We look at its features and how it’s different from the Survival Model, which is the operating system of a person that tries to ensure their survival. Just like parents treat a child as their property, the child’s Self does so too, with the core intention of protecting them against danger. You will learn that no matter where you go and how old you are, you carry your parents within you as the Self. It continues to play its role throughout the life of an individual.

In Section III, we look at the Self of each type of personality. You will understand how your decision-making and fate are governed by the Self, even though you may be an adult. It is the parents whose goals the child tries to fulfill. The Self of each personality type is different from the other in terms of which parent is given more significance by the child, thereby forming the core of the Self. The Wanted Child, being visual, is guided by a roadmap in the form of a Self-image — an ideal s/he strives to match up to. We will see how the Partly Wanted Child survives, as s/he is not given a clear image (hence no roadmap). The survival mechanism of the Unwanted Child, who is not a dream child of either parent, is peculiar. This category has a uniquely different Self and way of surviving, and we will look at that here. We will briefly touch upon the topic of the ego, which is a popular concept.

Section IV focuses on the solutions for gaining freedom from the Self. With the knowledge of one’s Self, a person can redefine one’s life and make conscious decisions in the present moment. As the three personalities have different survival traits and different Self, the same recommendations cannot be given to each of them. So, the path to living with freedom is explained individually for the three personality types. Alternative behaviors to one’s survival traits are suggested, and a set of techniques are given on how to deal with a person’s Survival Model. 

You might be unable to resolve certain emotions and patterns that you detect. In those situations, you need to seek the help of a professional to defuse the emotional charge and neutralize the pattern. Any person who is a Neuro-Linguistic Programmer can help you solve those issues. A book can provide information and instructions but cannot be a substitute for therapy. Individual sessions are targeted to a person’s specific issues, and many things can get resolved that way.

Diagram 1

Most of the time, the conflict is between your Survival Model and your Self (others and their ideas you carry inside you). It feels like you are on one side and the whole world you need to adapt to is on the other. This is shown in the diagram below.

We end up being sandwiched between our Survival Model and Self. While our survival mechanism serves a useful purpose when one is a child or young adult, it becomes a shackle that prevents us from living freely, even when we become an adult. Over time, it causes us more stress and negative emotions that further affects our ability to experience ease and freedom. The Survival Model needs to be discarded once our period in life for survival has finished — our adolescent or young adult years. We continue to live unconsciously and forget that we are here to live and not just to survive. More importantly, the Survival Model makes us forget our BEING, our TRUE SELF that wants to express, expand, and grow. Through this book, I intend to make readers understand and become aware of their Self and survival mechanisms, the dynamic between the two, and how it constricts their true potential from being realized. This will allow you to exercise your free will in creating a life you consciously choose.

*

In Japan, during the Meiji Era (1869-1912), there lived a Zen master by the name of Nan-in. He was once visited by a university professor who was curious to learn about Zen. Nan-in, being polite, served the professor a cup of tea. As he poured the tea, the professor’s cup became full, but Nan-in kept on pouring more. Watching the cup overflow, the professor could no longer stay quiet and said, It is overfull. No more will go in!

Nan-in smiled and said, Like the teacup, you are too full of your opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty the contents of your cup? You have read a lot of about the Self, Inner Self, True Self, or Higher Self. As in the story of the Zen master Nan-in above, our cups are also full — full of limitations. Do we even know who has filled our cup and what these limitations are? Are these limitations of our own making?

The contents of the cup are the beliefs and ideas our Self has planted, of which we are unaware. The book is about exploring that Self, its formation, and how we relate to it. By understanding this Self, you will be able to decipher your True Inner Self or maybe explore the Higher Self.

Many spiritual masters and New Age gurus have referred to the Self as our Higher Self, something unique and extraordinary. In that respect, we shall not go into the Higher Self in this book. The Self we will discuss is the one we are familiar with in our everyday lives. It has been protecting and safeguarding your body. Only if your body survives can you thrive. This everyday Self controls your decision-making and also governs your fate. It’s time to explore it in some detail. Let’s begin!

Prologue

The word myself is one I have heard my clients frequently use in sessions when they talk about their problems. It is also casually interchanged with words such as I or me. I wonder if many people have given much thought to this word, or just think it belongs to the realms of philosophy, psychology, or simply to our everyday language. This can make it almost mystical sounding when it should be more easily understood, as it affects us all. However, given that many heavyweight thinkers in the past have been enquiring about the Self, it is not surprising that common people feel it is an esoteric concept and has stayed away from exploring it.

Know thyself, the Ancient Greek aphorism, has been attributed to different ancient Greek sages. According to the second-century Greek geographer Pausanias, it was one of the first maxims inscribed in the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, Greece. In ancient India, sages spent much of their lives contemplating the same subject, trying to describe what they discovered. This suggests that the exploration of the Self has been going on for millennia. In more recent times, philosophers have tried explaining their understanding of it to us. Since the advent of the nineteenth century, the Self has been an important topic of psychology, sociology, and, more recently, neurology. In the modern age, New Age gurus have been singing praises of it. 

A whole lot has been written, discussed, and shared about the Self. I won’t go into how others have defined or understood but will instead focus on it from the perspective of the therapy work I have done.

The Self That We Know is a Notion — It is Not Real

I’ve heard my clients say the below statements:

I hate myself.

I have no control over myself.

I don’t know what’s wrong with myself.

I don’t understand myself.

I don’t trust myself.

Although grammatically correct, in the sense of referring to the same individual, there is something peculiar about the above statements. It almost seems like there are two individuals within the same person. One of them is I, and the other is myself. And they appear to be in conflict with each other.

You may also say similar things in everyday speech or hear others say them. If I take one of the above statements, I hate myself, its subject is I, and the predicate is hate myself. It looks like someone who is I is hating someone who is myself. To make this separation more apparent, one could practically express the statement as Tom hates Tim. The verb hate expresses the relationship between the two proper nouns. But what happens when I substitute Tim with Tom in the statement? Then the statement would read as Tom hates Tom. Let’s look at it more closely. Whatever preference we may have, certain possibilities surface:

I am assuming that if someone has to be real, s/he must have a physical body. 

One of the Toms in the statement Tom hates Tom is real and the other is unreal. But which of the two is unreal? The one having a tangible, physical body cannot be negated, so it cannot be unreal. Therefore, Tom with the physical body is real. The other one is unreal.

Both are real, which means both Toms have a physical body. Then it means that the body hates the body, which is not what Tom is alluding to above. Tom doesn’t hate his body here. In the rarest of cases witnessed, a child has been born with two heads! But in most normal cases, it can be safely assumed that a person can have only one body.

Both are unreal. This statement cannot be true. As a person with a physical body is making this statement, s/he exists and cannot be unreal. 

Among the three above possibilities, the first one is the most plausible. One Tom is real, and the other unreal. The second possibility is most unusual, where a person has two heads and cannot be considered the norm. The last statement is not possible.

There is only ONE being that is authentic and real between I and myself. At times, I have asked my clients, Who is this ‘myself’ that you hate? Which of these two are you, ‘I’ or ‘myself?’ Which one is authentic and real? Which one has a physical body? These questions can make them feel rather perplexed for a while. But after discussion and giving it some thought, they say, ’I’ is genuine, or ’I’ has a body. Some of them go further by saying there is something imaginary they try to relate to, which they think of as myself. My immediate question that follows is, That means you hate something imaginary and unreal or is it the other way around? This can go on to boggle their minds, putting them in a confused state.

The point to make here is that my clients concur that I is real. If that is so, then myself is an imagined concept. As it does not have a physical body, it can only exist as a notion or idea in their minds. I exists as a physical being, but myself is something subjective, based on beliefs, ideas, and concepts borrowed from others. So, now knowing them as different things, let’s substitute I with Tom and myself with Tim.

Diagram 2

Let’s consider the statement, I am fighting myself. As we know that I is Tom, and myself is something subjective, an imaginary Tim; we can say, Tom is fighting an imaginary Tim. Place a sword in the hands of Tom and make him attack Tim. Let Tom swing and slash away for hours, days, or even longer if he wishes to. Who is going to win this fight? Is there any chance of Tom defeating an imaginary Tim? You can stand in the shoes of Tom, trying to resolve an issue by being in conflict with an imaginary person. Can you fathom how much of your energy and time will go wasted trying to fight with an imaginary self? Moreover, how much stress and negative emotions would this conflict generate in your system until you collapse from exhaustion? This will become clearer in the chapters ahead.

The Self we take to be true and tend to believe in is something imaginary. As we will see, it places expectations on us that we think we must meet. If we don’t do that, we experience stress and anxiety, as if our very existence depends on how well we fit into a prescribed mold. An undercurrent of fear stems from our unconscious need to survive, which makes us conform and controls our behaviors. We feel compelled to follow the parameters set by the Self. The irony is that the Self that makes us do this is, in fact, not even real. It is an Illusionary Self with which we have an internal dialogue and fight. We have, all this while, related to it because we want acceptance from others. Through this book, we will see why this happens and how to get a measure of freedom from this way of living. Our Self is not the enemy — it is a system we need to understand and update. The more clearly we understand the Self, the better and more harmonious our life is. 

SECTION I

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SURVIVAL TRAP – FREEDOM LOST

1.  Trying to Fit into an Image

Sumit was a young man who had reached a point in his life when he was confused about his career path. He took a year off in his muddled state to think over his choices and finally decided to pursue a master’s degree in the USA. It seems that luck did not favor him while he was there. Sumit had developed a back injury earlier that was caused by a slipped disc condition. When the pain became excruciating, he opted to return to India for surgery, which meant he had to leave his courses unfinished. The long recovery period after his surgery made him forgo an entire year of graduate school studies.

Coming under increasing pressure to not lag further behind his peers, Sumit decided to pursue another degree. But the entrance exams for that course were less than a month away and looming large in his mind. The stress overwhelmed him, and he began to experience anxiety. It was in this condition that one day he came to see me for the first time.

There will be a disappointment, Sumit said as he sagged into the reclining therapy chair. It had been established that his parents, relatives, and girlfriend would feel disappointed in Sumit, who they thought of as a capable individual. On further questioning, he soon changed his statement. They won’t be disappointed or put pressure on me. All this is self-inflicted pressure, I think, he said.

Aha! was my response. Sumit’s choice of words was intriguing to me. You have just said ‘self-inflicted.’ I wonder who this ‘SELF’ is which is inflicting pressure on you? Putting it across to Sumit in another way, I asked, Since you haven’t done well this year, who is inflicting pressure on whom? 

Me inflicting on myself, was his reply.

As I understood, every time Sumit failed and was not up to the mark for his parents, relatives, and girlfriend, he would have to inflict pain on himself. It was as if his right hand was smacking his left one. A pattern like this in Sumit’s life would not have started only recently. The pressure he felt had gradually built up over the years, coming to a boiling point only now.

It turns out that while Sumit had taken a break to think over his career choices, he joined a gym to reduce his weight, which was at 116 kilos (256 pounds) at the time. In his quest to knock off his weight, he had lost twelve kilos (twenty-six pounds) in a short period. But he had to pay the price for it. Sumit pushed himself so hard during that time that he developed the slipped disc injury that went on to later afflict him in the USA. It was as if an invisible gun was pointing toward him, forcing him to push himself to a breaking point.

I am punishing myself, he admitted.

As I showed him, in order to avoid displeasing his parents, relatives, and girlfriend, Sumit would beat himself up or penalize himself. Even though he had chosen to study for a new degree himself, he was pushing himself on in some way. It was as if he was being forced. On the days when his efforts to complete his study goals would fall short, he would feel discomfort. His self-harsh inner dialogue would become louder. Thoughts such as I have to complete a portion of my assignments, and I have to be ready to take the exam in December were no different from I have to lose weight and become slim, come what may. I have to, I have to...

To make it clear to Sumit, I gave him the example of a child who would love to go outside to play, but his mother wants him to finish his schoolwork first. The child somehow drags his feet sullenly to do the schoolwork but finds it difficult to concentrate. Getting into more trouble with his mother, he revolts. But it is futile, for his mother shouts at and disciplines him and eventually, he must give in to her. Deep down, he knows he is dependent on her. He needs her for his survival and so has to listen to her. Buckling down, he forces himself to finish his studies.

Sumit’s predicament seemed no different. To avoid displeasing his parents, he had been pushing himself hard. If he could not complete what he had set out to do for the day, psychological discomfort would kick-in, like that experienced by the young boy, making him force himself further. To avoid an unpleasant emotion that arose whenever he displeased his parents, Sumit would choose to push his mind and body. What’s more, there was no room for failure in the goals he was pursuing. Even now, he had to push himself so forcefully that there should not remain an inch of uncertainty in the examination outcome.

A part of Sumit wants to take the exam and please his parents. But there is another part that does not support his decision to take the exam and is rebelling. Someone within him was revolting, not cooperating with him 100 percent. This second part of Sumit knew that he was