The Couple's Playbook: Relationships Are a Team Sport, Set Yours Up to Win

By Lisa Marini

Whether you're married, deepening your commitment to your partner, or single and dating someone new, if you want to ditch the drama in your relationship and become fabulously fulfilled, The Couple's Playbook 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lisa Marini Coaching LLC
• Release date: Feb 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9798987054222

Lisa Marini

LISA MARINI is a brain-based relationship and life coach in Denver, Colorado, who focuses on human behavior and habits using the perspective of neuroscience. She left a seventeen-year-long career as a lead supervisor for a general contractor, building large, multifamily dwellings to found her private practice in 2017. Lisa graduated from Colorado State University in 2000 and has since gained certifications in many modalities, including Brain Health Coaching, Hypnotherapy, Brainspotting, Neurosculpting®, Neurolinguistic Programming, HeartMath+, and Emotional Freedom Technique. Lisa supports her clients in making lasting life changes, finding new perspectives, shifting mindsets, and building the relationships of their dreams.

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Contents

Copyright Notice

Disclaimer

Dedication

Preface

Introduction: Relationships Are a Team Sport

PART ONE: BUILDING A PLAYBOOK & THE FUNDAMENTALS OF GAME PLANNING

Chapter 1: Team Spirit and the Championship Mindset: Decide What You Stand for as a Couple

Chapter 2: The Team Huddle: Create a Structure for Conversation

Chapter 3: Emotional Trophies: Meet Your Partner’s Core Needs

Chapter 4: Design Your Couple’s Playbook: Discuss the Sixteen Big Life Plays

PART TWO: Skills for WINNING IN THE SPORT OF Relationship

Chapter 5: Skill of Regulating Your Brain State:       Shift from Reactive to Receptive

Chapter 6: Skill of Attentive Listening: Use Positive Filters to Improve Communication

Chapter 7: Skill of Managing Your Reactions: Learn the FACTS Method

Chapter 8: Skill of Integrity: Build Trust, Honesty, and Reliability

Chapter 9: Skill of Conflict Resolution: Design Your Rules of Engagement

Afterword

Acknowledgments

Resources

About the Author

Praise for Lisa Marini and The Couple’s Playbook

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

Copyright © 2023 by LISA MARINI. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, contact the author at the email below.

Ikigai Press / Lisa Marini Coaching

LMarini.com

mailto:[e-mail]

Cover design by Gus Yoo

Copy editing and book production by Stephanie Gunning

Special discounts are available to librarians and on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022923993

DISCLAIMER

The information in this book is intended for educational purposes only. This book is not intended to be a substitute for the psychological or therapeutic advice of a professional. The author and publisher are not offering professional services advice. You should seek the services of a competent professional if you need expert assistance for your specific situation.

The author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions and specifically disclaim responsibility for any liability, loss, risk, or any psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damage, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

DEDICATION

To the two biggest heroes in my life:

my sons, Caden and Colter.

You show me every day what love is and how it has no limits. Words cannot express my gratitude to have you as my children and teachers.

PREFACE

I was on the phone today with my brother and told him I was in the process of writing a book about relationships. After a long pause and a failed attempt at hiding a snicker, he said, "You? You are writing a book about relationships?"

Honestly, I entirely understand his skepticism. I have had several relationships that ended. I was married for ten years, and I’ve now been divorced for twelve. Since the divorce, I’ve had some longish committed relationships and some one-date wonders. (Perhaps I will write my next book on the blunders of dating. You’ll either find it in the comedy or horror section of the bookstore.) A lot of people would assume that being in and out of relationships means they failed, but I wholeheartedly disagree. These relationships were my laboratory in Life University and I gained the equivalent of a Ph.D. through a richness of experience.

On a completely different track in my life, there were parallels in my career. While working in the construction industry (which I did for seventeen years as a superintendent for a general contractor who built multifamily dwellings), I began to realize there were times when I was an incredible leader and other times when I was reacting like a tantruming child. I felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with my behavior, which baffled me, as I am typically a self-aware and well-controlled person. While attending a self-help retreat, the leader put a picture of a brain up on a screen and explained how stress affects human behavior. In an instant, I realized stress was the reason for both my work behavior and some of my choices in my relationships.

Well, duh, right? But for me it was a big aha moment. My reaction of yelling at a subcontractor who was behind schedule didn’t come from a place of me intending to be mean, rather it came from my brain. My brain had shifted into a state of defense causing me to lose my ability to access the parts of me that set me apart as a great leader.

My snippy remarks to my boyfriend about him not folding the pile of laundry on the couch when we had guests arriving in twenty minutes were related to my fear of having my housekeeping criticized. That was my brain speaking to protect me, not my usual loving self.

This discovery at the workshop began to completely transform my thought processes and I dove headfirst into as much training and learning as I could about the brain and how it affects our behavior in everyday circumstances. Turns out, everything we do originates in the brain. It controls our thoughts, our reactions, our behavior!

And I was astounded that given everyone has a brain, few of us know how to use it!

That floored me. Here I was, running eighty-million-plus-dollar construction projects without any user’s manual for the organ that was propelling my efforts. Equally as shocking, I didn’t have the user’s manual for the organ that ran me in my relationships. Holy shit, no wonder things were sometimes so damned hard! Not always, but under stress.

As I gained more awareness of my kneejerk reactions, it was easier to modulate my responses. I figured out the brain’s role in my relationships and how it was the answer to everything, including why we fight, why we don’t listen, and why we have a need to defend ourselves. It is also the reason we are loving, compassionate, and receptive when we’re at ease with someone. My extensive study underscored for me that this information really had been the missing piece in so many of my previous relationships.

Now, does this mean these relationships would have lasted if I had known how to work with my brain differently? That I’m not sure of, but had I actually had a user’s manual for the organ that was responsible for my behavior and thoughts . . . well, I sure as hell would’ve been able to navigate them a lot better.

I began my intensive seeking and learning to understand this amazing, yet crazy organ that lives between my ears several years before I became a life and relationship coach to give me the answers as to why I am the way I am, and why I react the way I do. So, I can attest to the fact, my friend, that this is the secret sauce to having an extraordinary life and an extraordinary relationship.

When I decided to become a full-time coach, I found that the insights I had been using to successfully manage my personal life and career were transportable to my clients. I have been a professional coach now for over five years serving hundreds of clients, many of whom wanted support in navigating their romantic relationships. When I showed them the role of the brain and how to use it in their relationships, tremendous transformations happened for them. They went on to tell their friends of what they learned to support their relationships and pretty much every person asked, Does she have a book on how to do this?

So here it is.

INTRoDUCTION

RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TEAM SPORT

Hands down, the number one most important thing to remember about your relationship is that you and your partner are on the same team. You are in this together.

Here is a scenario, analogous to a relationship, that illustrates why teamwork matters. You and your partner are feeling adventurous and want to spend some time together in the great outdoors. You decide the perfect romantic fit would be taking a sweet kayaking trip. You both hop into the same kayak and are enjoying all of Mother Nature’s glory while paddling gently down the river. Suddenly the strength of the rapids increases and you both start barking orders at one another. Paddle harder! Paddle faster!

You then see a fork coming up and it’s imperative that a decision be made about which way to go. The move needs to happen right now!

You yell, Go left! Hurry!

Your partner yells back, NO! Go right—now! Paddle to the right!

Deep down you are convinced that going left is the correct choice. But your partner won’t listen, so you start splashing water in your partner’s eyes to deter them from paddling in the wrong direction. Then you paddle harder and faster than ever to get the boat to go left.

In addition to disagreeing with you, your partner is now soaking wet and pissed off. Instead of going your direction, they begin to paddle harder and faster to the right.

And can you guess who ends up crashing into the bank between the river fork, damaging the kayak, and ruining the entire day? Yep, both of you.

The winning mindset for your relationship is one of being continuously aware that you are sharing the same kayak every day. If you’re paddling together, you can go fast and far without mishaps. But any time one of you crashes, both of you crash and suffer, so you definitely want to get in sync and paddle in the same direction. That’s how you win in the sport of relationship.

When I talk about winning in relationship, I know there is no winner or loser (as your mind may have chimed in to say in order to challenge this concept). What I am speaking of is how to set yourself and your partner up to succeed together. To thrive. What are the things you can do to help your partner be the best they can be in every situation and what can they do for you? How can you encourage them and they you?

And how can you keep yourself from having a knee-jerk reaction when your partner has an opinion with which you disagree?

Understand that if one of you is upset and trying to impede, trick, or hurt the other, a mindset shift is necessary. If one of you throws down your oars and refuses to paddle, the other person has to work harder to keep you on course—and you will hardly advance, together. If one of you pokes holes in the kayak (perhaps because they’re trying to harm or get even with the other for some perceived offense or oversight), you will both sink in the river. But fortunately, the flip side of this is also true. When your partner succeeds, you succeed. When you lift your partner up, you are always uplifted too.

Making the mindset shift to acknowledge the mutuality of being in your relationship together is imperative because relationships are a team sport. That desirable sense of I’m on your side and I’ve got your back comes from choosing to work together as a team.

The purpose of The Couple’s Playbook is to help you reinforce your sense of camaraderie and allegiance to your partner, which is an essential mindset to embrace when you are mutually creating a relationship success plan, and also collaborate on the creation of a unique personal playbook for your team. In addition, I will teach you certain skills involved in the sport of relationship that will vastly improve your team’s performance on the field in various scenarios. These are skills for planning, communication, and regulation of your brains and internal emotional systems.

Why Couples Need Playbooks and Game Plans

Sports teams have a hell of a lot of fun on the field or on the court—it’s why they call sporting events playing a game. But if every sport was a total free-for-all without a playbook, rules, or guidelines, the field or court where the game is played would turn into a painful mosh pit that few would return to play in for fear of injury and lack of enjoyment.

I have chosen the theme of sports for this book for a few reasons, the most important being that most of us can understand the concept of being on a team. The need to have defined structure on that team, why you need agreed-upon plays, why you need skills, what teamwork looks like, and how when one fails, all fail. But you don’t have to know sports or even like them to appreciate the concept. You are more than welcome to plug in your own theme if you wish. Use the idea of building a business and needing to be on the same page as your partner, or maybe see relationship as having a dance partner.

Because I chose a sports theme, I will be referring to your relationship as playing a game. This is not to diminish the importance of it or create an idea that is something to be toyed or played with. Rather I want your relationship game to be one you are completely invested in, take incredibly seriously, and have a hell of a lot of fun doing with the person you love.

I will propose creating a structure for your team to succeed because the human brain craves structure. Structure brings predictability, which makes you feel safe. That sense of safety keeps us relaxed and at ease, a state in which we're nicer to the people in our lives. When the brain doesn’t have consistency, predictability, and a feeling of control, it actually senses danger and can create a sense of unease and tension in us, and many relationship issues arise under these conditions. The brain becomes defensive and not only do we turn into unsavory versions of ourselves, we also are quick to jump to inaccurate conclusions and can’t problem solve in this state.

I am aware that having introduced the idea of creating structure in your relationship, you might come back at me with, No, I want spontaneity, free choice, and to be wildly and crazily in love—I don’t want my relationship to feel cold, calculated, and overly planned out. Don’t worry, I don’t want to turn your love life into a three-ring binder of checklists. What I do want is for you to have an amazingly successful, loving, passionate, free, fulfilled, authentic journey with your chosen partner. And part of creating all of that joy comes with creating a plan. Planning is structure.

In a desire to keep things fun and light and casual at the beginning, couples too often skip the step of talking things through and making a success plan: creating a playbook for themselves. I am offering you an opportunity to have this process be part of the fun!

Think about the importance of a NFL football team setting up their playbook and game plans, and the skills that they use on their field. The Buffalo Bills have a unique playbook. The Seattle Seahawks have a unique playbook. But when the Seahawks play the Bills, they may only rely on five plays from the playbook. Versus playing against the Dallas Cowboys, they might use five different plays. This is like a couple needing certain plays for visiting the parents versus plays for managing money or handling chores.

If they didn’t have agreed upon plays, one guy would be running down the field ready to catch a ball the quarterback never intended to throw to him, resulting in a sack or an interception. I’m sure you can correlate some sacks and interceptions that have happened in your relationship which could have been avoided had you had a predetermined play.

My guess is that most couples haven’t considered creating a playbook and creating this level of structure in their relationships. Sure, we have structure in our workout routines. We have structure in our routines with