The F Words of Life

By Jamie M. M. Lent

Growing up with physical and learning disabilities is difficult, especially when bullying is involved. Being continually unsure of your calling in life is discouraging. Ending a marriage and leaving a man who broke his promise to love you forever is heart-wrenching, especially when there are young children involved. Struggling to pursue an education and working a full-time job while also raising two children as a single mother is frustrating and draining. Digging yourself out of a depressive state and learning to move forward with faith is difficult, but Jamie managed to pull through it successfully, and she is here to share with you how she did it. The "F" Words of Life is inspiring and a bit comical, and it proves that no matter what difficulty one struggles through, there is always a light that shines through the darkness, and if one focuses on that light, there is no end to the greatness one can achieve in life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 8, 2018
• ISBN: 9781643500591

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The F Words of Life

Jamie M. Lent

Copyright © 2018 Jamie M. Lent

All rights reserved

First Edition

Page Publishing, Inc

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc 2018

ISBN 978-1-64350-057-7 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64350-059-1 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Introduction

I would like to start by introducing myself. My name is Jamie Lent. I am a thirty-five-year-old mother of two children, and I am married to a wonderful man who supports my every ambition. I was born, adopted, and raised as a member of an LDS Mormon family. I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and as of today, I am in a good place, despite all the issues that have arisen over the last ten years. Though I was born and raised as a Mormon in the church and was brought up to be a woman of faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue (Saints T. C., Personal Progress: Young Women’s Theme, 2014), I still struggle with anger and resentment toward my children’s father (not the man I’m married to as of today). Our marriage was filled with disappointment, sadness, and abuse (both physical and emotional). I am married to a much better man now and my children and I are very blessed and much happier, but I still have to deal with their father on a bimonthly basis, and throughout time, he has done some pretty senseless things that have boggled my mind and angered me to the very core. After his last bonehead act, I was encouraged to write a book about my life so that other women going through similar issues might know how I deal with the problems that frequently arise. When I first started writing this book, I hadn’t been to church in about six months and I was not feeling the Spirit in my life due to my own actions and the choices that I had made. Due to that, when I started thinking about a title for my book and how I was going to write it, my main goal, in the very beginning, was to write a book that would air all his dirty laundry, a book that would humiliate him. That’s what my main goal was at first, so I started writing about every single bonehead thing he had ever done to me and my children. When I started writing this book, it was out of anger and resentment toward the one man in my life that had hurt me, lied to me, and disappointed me over and over again.

So I was very angry when I came up with the first title to this book. The first title I came up with was Diary of a Dipsh*t. As I started to write my book, I had to dredge up all the things that he had done to me over the years, all the times he had wronged me, but there was a consequence to that. As I started to write, I had to dredge up all those feelings of hurt and resentment, along with every painful memory. It came to a point where I just didn’t want to write it anymore because it hurt too much and it was depressing. I didn’t want to give up on it, but I didn’t want to feel angry and depressed either. I had to come up with a way to write my book that would have a positive effect on my life. So not only did I start to write about every heartache, but at the end of each section, I also started to write about how my heavenly Father had brought me through each storm and onto safe ground. I also started to add other aspects of my life that my heavenly Father had given me the strength to overcome, such as my physical disability, my struggles through college, my challenges when it came to a future career, etc. I started to direct my book toward a spiritual side. As I did that, I decided that the title Diary of a Dipsh*t would no longer be appropriate. I had to think of another title that focused on how I overcame all my struggles. So I decided to change the title to The Faith That Brought Me Through It.

As I wrote, I also decided to listen to LDS instrumental music to help me feel the Spirit. It is difficult to feel the Spirit of God while dredging up old painful memories, but it’s also difficult not to feel the Spirit while listening to spiritual music. As I listened to beautiful music and started to focus on how my faith got me through my difficult trials, my heart started to open up and allow that feeling of love and forgiveness to enter my soul. It definitely felt better than the feeling of anger and resentment. So I kept writing, and as I wrote, I felt even more joy because I was focused on how my faith guided me, and I really felt that my heavenly Father was there helping me write this book.

When I was about halfway through my book, I decided I didn’t just want my book to focus on all my life’s difficulties and how I was able to overcome them. I really felt the Spirit urging me to add to my book, so I started to think about what else I should write about. Then a few words popped into my mind: fear, faith, foundation, forgiveness, freedom, failure and frustration, family, and father in heaven. Since all those words started with the letter F, I decided to change the title of my book once again to "The F Words of Life." As I started writing about these things, I started with the word father, and I thought about what my Father in heaven means to me. Then I started to write about how, throughout my life, I have struggled in many areas but how having a firm foundation in the gospel has helped me to overcome things that I have seen many others fall from. Then I started to write about how important family is and how it is ordained of God and that we have responsibilities toward our children and spouses. Then I started to think about faults. As I thought about that, the word accountability came to mind, and I started writing about how, even though I had suffered in an abusive relationship, I had to take responsibility for my choices when it came to whether or not I would stay with him or leave him. I had to hold myself accountable for my own choice when I chose to stay in an abusive relationship. Then I started to write about how failure is a debilitating emotion that we all feel as we try our best and are denied a specific goal or desire, and how it creates a great deal of frustration in our lives. I wrote about how I overcame the feeling of failure. Then I started to write about fear and how fear at one time controlled my life and how I have come to the realization that fear is only an emotion, and I discuss how I was able to overcome that feeling. When it came to writing about faith, I was able to recount many instances when I had exercised faith, and by doing so, my heavenly Father had carried me over the waves of trials in my life.

Then I came to the chapter on forgiveness, and this chapter was the most difficult for me to write. No matter how much I want to forgive my ex-husband for all his wrongdoings, my anger still seems to arise against him. I struggle with this issue the most. You will see why as you read about my life. I have placed my journal in the second half of this book, which contains the story of my life struggles with physical disabilities, education, career challenges, and of course, my relationship with my ex-husband. I felt that it was important to add this to the second half because by reading this story of my life, you will be able to understand my point of view on the F words of life. I know that when we read books written like this one, about faith, we tend to view the author as a perfect Christian individual. As you read my journal, you will realize that I am far from perfect. I am not any smarter or better than anyone reading this book. I am just a normal person who makes many mistakes, but I try to be the best person I can be. Please read and enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Father

In Heaven

Father, Will You?

Written by J. M. Lent through the inspiration of the Spirit

I have a father I’ve been told,

Up in heaven whom I can’t behold.

With mortal eyes I cannot see,

But I can feel his presences here with me.

Father, were you there for me?

Did you hold me in your arms when I was born?

Did you sing to me as you rocked me to sleep?

Did you console me when my heart was torn?

When it was time for me to attend my second birth,

Did you cry when you had to say goodbye?

Will you miss me as I toil on this earth?

Will it break your heart to see me cry?

When I feel I can no longer try,

When I want to give up and return to you,

Will you give me strength to stay?

Will you help me find my way?

Will you lead me by the hand?

Not just right now, but day by day?

When I grow up and fall in love,

Will you be watching from above?

And when he doesn’t treat me right,

Will you watch over me day and night?

Will you guide me when I leave?

Will you give me strength to breathe?

Will you comfort all my fears?

Will you dry up all my tears?

Will you help me find another?

A kind and gentle, worthy brother?

And when I find him, will you be there?

Will you approve and show you care?

And as I enter your holy house,

All dressed in white with my new spouse,

Will you cry tears of delight?

As we covenant in your sight?

And when we raise children in this world of shame,

Will you miss them just the same?

Will you trust me to raise them well?

To teach them your holy gospel?

And when they grow up and I am old,

When my bones are brittle and my body’s sore,

Will you give me strength to endure?

Will you be there when I’m close to death?

Will you console my family when I take my last breath?

Will you be there waiting for me?

When I return to you heavenly?

Will you take me in your arms?

Will you hold me close to you?

Will you be proud of me?

Will you tell me that you love me?

Yes, Father, I know you will.

You are always there for me.

I know that you will never leave.

I love you, Father, and always will.

I am yours—mind, body, and soul.

For as long as I can remember, I have been taught that I am a daughter of a loving heavenly Father. I was taught when I was very little, probably from the time I was about eighteen months old, that I am a daughter of heavenly Father and that I came from a beautiful world above, that I lived another life above, and that because I was born on this earth, in that life above, I made the choice to come to earth. I made the choice to be born and have a physical body and to be born into a family here on earth. As I grew older, I learned more on the subject from primary teachers and my parents. The older I grew, the more I was taught and understood. Of course, I don’t remember the preexistence. Just as the memory of my birth or my first birthday faded with time, so did the memory of my primordial existence. Just because I don’t remember it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. My first birthday happened, didn’t it? My primordial life was much like the life I live now; I grew and learned. I spent time with other people. But most of all, I had a mother and a father in that life. I was born into a family, much like the family I have now, only it was much larger, consisting of every human to ever walk this earth. Hebrews 12:9 states, "Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? (The Holy Bible, 2008). Romans 8:16 states, The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God (The Holy Bible, 2008). In D&C 76:24, in a revelation given to Joseph Smith, it was also stated, That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God" (The Doctrine and Covenants, 2008).

There has never been any question in my mind that my heavenly Father exists. From a very young age, I was taught to pray to my heavenly Father, beginning my prayers with Our dear heavenly Father . . . and ending with I ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. I was taught that through prayer, I could communicate with my Father in heaven, that if I needed anything, I could ask him, and he would provide for me so long as I did my part in keeping his commandments. In primary, I learned about how Joseph Smith went about deciding which church to join. I learned that he was unsure of which church was the true church when different sects were attempting to get him to join their particular denomination. I learned that one day, while reading his scriptures, he came across a scripture that led him to pray his heavenly Father and ask him which church was true. He read in the book of James 1:5, If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him (The Holy Bible, 2008). He knew in his heart that the heavenly Father would answer his question if he prayed in faith, and he did answer.

Many times the Scriptures teach us that if we pray to our heavenly Father in faith, he will answer. Matthew 7:7 states, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be open unto you (The Holy Bible, 2008). John 11:22 states, But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give thee (The Holy Bible, 2008). It also states in Matthew chapter 7, when Jesus brings to an end the Sermon on the Mount, Judge not, ask of God; beware of false prophets (The Holy Bible, 2008). Heavenly Father wants us to ask of him the things we need. He wants us to call on him for help, to exercise faith in him. Doctrine and Covenants 46:7 states, But ye are commanded in all things to ask of God" (The Doctrine and Covenants, 2008). Heavenly Father is much like our mortal father here on earth. He desires for his children to be happy. He desires for his children to be successful and to achieve the things he would have them do. He desired to protect us from all harm. He loves us and wants us to gain a meaningful and loving relationship with him. Not everyone on this earth is born into a family with a caring father, but that is all the more reason to gain a personal loving relationship with your Father in heaven. He desires for his children to communicate with him.

As a young child, I didn’t fully understand the principle of prayer, of course. Just as a child would, I prayed because I was taught to. I prayed because my family prayed. We prayed over dinner, we prayed at church, and we prayed as a family. I learned how to pray, and I learned the reason for it, but deep within me, I didn’t fully comprehend the true blessing of prayer until I grew into adulthood. I knew my heavenly Father lived, and I knew that I could communicate with him, but as a child, I didn’t pray often unless it was with my family or during a church function. It wasn’t until I was a young adult and felt the pressures of life and realized the responsibilities of adulthood that I started to feel as though I needed guidance, and I knew from the teachings I had learned as a child that I could gain guidance from my Father in heaven. Isn’t that typical of most of us? We don’t feel the need to gain a close relationship with our Father in heaven until we are in some sort of trouble or feel confused about the path in front of us. As children and teenagers, we kind of cruise through life without any worries, like a tumbleweed blown across the desert. When we are young, our parents are there to worry about things for us. They make our appointments, they buy our clothing, they worry about feeding us, and they deal with all the stresses of financially raising a family. As young children and teens, we don’t have those worries. Our parents protect us from them. It isn’t until we grow to adulthood and feel the pressures of life, until we have to take responsibility and find our own way of doing things to survive, until we feel anxious not knowing if the choice we are about to make will lead us to happiness or destruction that we actually start to long for that guidance that we know only our heavenly Father, the seer of the future, can give us. In other words, when things get tough, we ask for help. As I grew older, things got tough.

My earliest memory of really putting forth the effort to build a relationship with my heavenly Father was when I decided I wasn’t happy in my first marriage and I decided I needed to leave my husband and take my children with me. I needed to remove us from an abusive situation. You see, what happened was, I had been married to a man who, over a two-year period during our marriage, had gradually become more and more controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. At the end of this book, I have added my journal. The full story of this situation is included in it, so I won’t go into a lot of detail here, but I will give a brief overview of what happened. After I had decided it was time to go, I knew he wouldn’t let me take the children with me if he knew I was on my way out. So I had to pretend everything was fine that morning. After he left for work, I made my escape. So he would know that I had gone for good, I took off my wedding ring and placed it on his old radio in the living room where he could see it, and I left. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, but when I did, he played the classic I’m sorry . . . I love you . . . I will never do it again card. I had given him a chance once before, and he blew it. I wasn’t about to repeat that same mistake.

After a few weeks, he asked me if we could work on our marriage while separated. I prayed about it. I wanted to know if I was doing the right thing by leaving him, or if I should give him another chance. I can remember praying about it as I sat on the kitchen floor at my mother’s house. That was the first time in a long time I had actually prayed to my heavenly Father with real intent for an answer to a serious problem. I had two children to think about, and they were very young. Kevin was almost a year old, and Kimberly was almost four. I was desperate for an answer—a clear answer. I knew that the choice I had to make would affect the welfare and safety of my children, whom I loved. I’m pretty sure my heavenly Father knew how desperate I was for a clear, quick answer, because when I finished praying and opened my eyes, all of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach thinking about returning to the man who had hurt me. I knew at that moment my heavenly Father was telling me, Do not go back to him. That would be a mistake. I love you, and I don’t want you to suffer. I want you to be happy. You don’t need him for that. From then on, I denied any request to get back together with him. He was not happy by this and felt he needed to execute control over the situation, so he decided to hire a lawyer and file for a divorce. Within the divorce papers, he included a restraining order, which he obtained by providing his lawyer with false information about the children’s permanent place of residence. In his request for a restraining order, it stated that the children had been residing with him the entire time we had been separated, which was false. The children lived with me, and he had only come to see them a few times. He didn’t file for a divorce and request a restraining order because he wanted to get a divorce or because he wanted me to stay away from him and the children. He did it because he thought if he took my children from me, I would have no choice but to return to him if I wanted to be with my children.

The day I was served and my children were taken from me was the most emotionally devastating experience that I had had endured up until that time in my life, and at that point, I really needed my heavenly Father’s guidance to get me through it successfully. That was a huge trial in my