Why Am I Still Crying?

By Shanta Collins

“Why am I still crying over the past? Am I truly saved, delivered, and healed? Why am I allowing the enemy to take my past and bring it into my today?” For many years, these questions regurgitated each time someone or something pushed me to focus on my past.
Come with me on a journey through my past. I want to share my story in hopes that my past situations and mistakes will comfort you through any past or current situation in your life. In time, God began to illuminate my eyes of understanding, and I could clearly see that I had only suppressed my past; I was not healed. It was not until I could see what I had refused to see, that my healing process began. Totally healed? Not yet, but I have stopped crying.

Shanta Collins is a Professional Registered Nurse that has been in the medical profession since 1999. She began writing her first published work in 2009 after feeling a burden to help others through the challenges of living a normal life after abuse. She enjoys singing, comedy and serving others medically and spiritually. Shanta has a passion for helping others to maneuver through the obstacles in their life. She resides in Georgia with her husband and nine children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Entegrity Choice Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 2, 2017
• ISBN: 9780997485929

Shanta Collins

Shanta Collins is a Professional Registered Nurse that has been in the medical profession since 1999. She began writing her first published work in 2009 after feeling a burden to help others through the challenges of living a normal life after abuse. She enjoys singing, comedy and serving others medically and spiritually. Shanta has a passion for helping others to maneuver through the obstacles in their life. She resides in Georgia with her husband and nine children.

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WhyCrying_FRONTcover

Why Am I Still Crying?

Shanta M. Collins

entegritychoicepublishing

Why Am I Still Crying?

Copyright © 2016 Shanta M. Collins

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Entegrity Choice Publishing

PO Box 453

Powder Springs, GA 30127

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The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations and dialogue in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Book Cover Designed by:

Kylie Dalton

ISBN: 978-0-9974859-0-5

Library of Congress Control Number:  2016954275

Printed in the United States of America

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to those who have endured any form of abuse (physical, mental, emotional, or sexual) and to my beautiful daughters; Annequa Mitchell, Tamara Mitchell, Danielle Young and Lakendra Hale.

To those who believe their past abuse has canceled their future - your best is yet to come.

Do not take yesterday’s mess into today’s purpose and tomorrow’s future.

Acknowledgements

Thank you, Lord, for sacrificing your son, Jesus Christ, for my sins and saving me. I am grateful that you kept me in spite of my sins.

Through life’s turbulent journey, I felt your hand shielding me from my enemies who sought to do me harm. Thank you Lord for healing me physically, mentally, and spiritually and being with me at every turn in my life. When I rebelled, disobeyed, and forsook you, thank you for still loving me. Many times I wanted to give up and succumb to the pressures and temptations of suicide, but I felt you ministering to my spirit, causing me to fight on.

I am grateful for my mother Annette Mckinstry. We both have made mistakes, but I love her with all my heart.

A big thank you to my husband and my children for their patience and support. I could not have asked for a better family.

To the best mother and father-in-laws on this side of heaven, Leroy and Brenda Johnson; thank you for your love and support.

To BJ, words cannot describe how much I appreciate your straight-forwardness, love, kindness, and support, when I wanted to quit. You are my teacher, friend, and a sister.

To my sister-in-Christ, Samantha Pegues, who is a prophetess, preacher, teacher, intercessor, and friend - bless you, Woman of God, for insisting that I take this four-year-old manuscript, tucked into my bookshelf inside a Kinko’s bag, and get it published!

Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Introduction

1

Rewind To The Beginning

2

Sexual Abuse

3

My Preteen Years

4

Fourteen and Pregnant

5

Pregnant Again

6

My 12th Grade Year

7

Another Baby

8

Trying To Make A Change

9

Drama

10

Almost Home

11

I Think I Married The Wrong Man

12

No More Tears

Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame; for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood anymore. For thy Maker is thine husband; The Lord of hosts is his name; And thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer. Isaiah 54:4-17

Introduction

I began writing this book in 2007. Since then, I have constantly had doubts about revealing such personal things about myself, even though I knew God was in it.

Instead of moving forward with publishing my book, I focused on other ventures, including returning to school to complete my RN degree (which I accomplished –thank you Lord).  With that said, I truly hope and pray that my past chaos and mess blesses your soul; if you do not know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, my hope is that my story brings you to know him. There is no other way to make it in this world we live in without Jesus Christ.

This book is about me and the countless episodes of abuse from the tender age of 4 years old until my young adult years. I was subjected to many of life’s pains, rejections, and all types of abuse ranging from verbal, physical, and sexual in early childhood throughout my young adult years. I have lived a life of fear and low self-worth as a result of all the things I suffered.

I am going to take you on a journey through my life past and present. I sincerely hope and pray that you will be able to learn from my mistakes.

Someone once told me, Shanta, you will not live long enough to make every mistake in life, so you have to learn from others’ mistakes as well. I have taken this with me and applied it to my life; and, yes, I have still made some mistakes but not as many as I would have without trying to learn from others. I don’t want you to think that you will not make any mistakes, but I hope you will not make the same ones I made.

I have to give thanks to Jesus Christ for loving me when no one else did and seeing me through his eyes and not the eyes of man. I did not get to where I am today alone; God carried me all the way. This book is divinely inspired. It was so difficult recalling past pains and mistakes, but I made it through. I can truly say that when I look back over my life and see all that God has done for me, my soul cries, Hallelujah! I thank God for saving me. God gave me this book at a time when I thought that my life was just right. But, I continued to have moments and times of depression. Often, I prayed and asked the Lord, Why am I still crying, if I have been delivered?

Many times I became depressed and withdrawn, and eventually it affected my marriage. I was like a schizophrenic person, happy at times and sad the next, for no apparent reason. During my bouts of depression, the enemy (satan), would rehearse my past in my head and tell me that I could not be who God said I was. The constant attacks drained me spiritually and made me ineffective to those around me. I was trying to live my life according to God’s will. I prayed constantly three to four times a day. When everyone in the house was in the bed sleeping, I was up praying.

I constantly read and studied my Bible; nevertheless, I could not figure out what was the problem. After crying and feeling down for months, I heard the Lord speak to me early one morning, he told me to let go of my past. You see, I had never really let go of my past; I had only suppressed it, so it would come back whenever a problem arose in my life. In fact, I had not been truly delivered; residue of my past lingered. Do you see any residue of your past?

The Lord instructed me to write this book and confirmed that he would indeed heal me from my past.