If Anyone Only Knew What God Has Asked Me to Walk Through

By Joni Cox

If anyone only knew what God has asked me to walk through is a personal memoir filled with trauma and miracles. A journey of finding peace and self-worth, forgiveness, and healing. It is a beautiful story of God’s love and promises.

He wants to prepare you for a testimony. A testimony of becoming more like him. A testimony of overcoming obstacles and circumstances where you felt the things and people you loved the most were what made your life complete. Life is not completed by tangible items or relationships with other human beings. Life is completed when you come full circle, work through your disappointments, have a complete change of heart, and love others the way God loves you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781662454394

Book preview

My Story, His Glory

This is one of the most defining moments in my life. This is where my story begins and ends as of today. Those shackles and hooks I have been chained to are being released by the grace of God. It is my day of victory. I sometimes wondered how I made it through, and it was made evident that God was carrying me for a divine assignment and destiny. I was told how intelligent I am. I would be nothing without God in my life. I have devoted my personal illness to the world because PTSD is so misunderstood. I always thought I was never good enough, that I was ugly, stupid, and unlovable. Those have been the lies of the enemy. I am worthy, beautiful, intelligent, and very lovable. Today I am whole. People may not understand my journey, and that’s okay. I went deep into the trenches to share what it is like to live with PTSD, and although I thought this documenting and writing was just for my dad, it has been a reflection of life filled with humanity. Throughout this journey, I have received the most precious gifts of understanding and forgiveness. I forgive myself for not loving me more. This book is a love letter to those who suffer from PTSD. It is a testimony of self-discovery, self-worth and self-love. Understanding PTSD is not necessarily an easy task. I have met many people through my journey who have struggled, and this is for all of you. Yes, God, I have served You well. Thank You for not giving up on me when so many have.

There was a time when my heart was darkened. I didn’t care, I was numb. I guess God saw something in me to bring me to my knees and to bring change in me. My description of someone with a darkened heart is someone who has been hurt so deeply they just have nothing left to give of themselves. They live for themselves, they lash out at others, they like to see people fall, and they love to inflict intentional pain on others. To live with a darkened heart is such a loss of energy. It is something I have had to ask for forgiveness for in my past. It is something I am not ashamed to say engulfed my existence. Because out of the darkness, there comes a magnificent light.

Finding the good in people in this time and age is not necessarily easy. In order to see people for their intentional cruelty, God removes them from your life. They are bitter, angry, and self-serving. I have seen the worst of the worst in people. From an early age, I identified people as being out to get me. There was no uplifting in my early years, only bullying and cruelty. Except for my mother and my maternal grandmother. They both had reasons to have a darkened heart, but a light was within them. You cannot go through the circumstances they went through and not be changed. My mother had such an amazing sense of humor and loved people. The truth is, people genuinely loved her. My mother was giving, compassionate, and loving, something I could not understand. She never complained to others, and she served and uplifted others. There was a time that I despised that. I genuinely thought she was living a lie. How could someone have and continue to go through the worst kind of abuse and still have the capacity to smile and shine?

God sometimes doesn’t call the able, He calls the willing. I have placed my life in God’s hands the majority of my life, without even knowing. God works like that. He places you, He equips you, and He guides you through the unknown. He has a purpose for our lives. He wants us to grow closer to Him, and to sometimes see the lack of humanity in others so that we learn humility and be more like Him.

I have read somewhere that you are never too old and it is never too late to follow your dreams. The best part about this little thing called life is you can be anything you want to be. Determination, patience, persistence, and perseverance are the defining factors. Sometimes we get in such a big hurry to have everything we desire that we block God’s blessings. God’s timing is perfect timing. It is not what we want or need in our time. Faith kind of is a neat thing when you can envision a life you have always dreamed of and it begins to play out before your eyes. The tricky part is that you have to do your part. It is possible God has to do some work on you before you reach your destination. He is allowing you the opportunity to realize the little things add up to the bigger things. God knows your heart, and when the time is right, He will and can make it happen.

He wants to prepare you for a testimony. A testimony of becoming more like Him. A testimony of overcoming obstacles and circumstances where you felt the things and people you loved the most were what made your life complete. Life is not completed by tangible items or relationships with other human beings. Life is completed when you come full circle, work through your disappointments, have a complete change of heart, and love others the way God loves you.

Perfectly Seeking Meaningfulness, a Beautiful Journey

God put that in my heart a few years back. To say my life was a bed of roses is a complete misconception. I think about all the heartache I have been through, and for God to place something on my heart is of the miraculous. I have been to a lot of places, I have seen so much and been through so much at this point, I knew God was shifting and moving me, I just didn’t see how and where I would end up. There are no consequences of where God leads you. I needed to be closer to my dad desperately. God made that happen, and spending time with him was extremely necessary for my healing. I never once in my life hated my dad for the things he said and did to me. Instead, I just wanted him to be proud of the woman I had become and to be accepted regardless of my shortcomings. The only thing that I have ever hated about my dad was how mean and cruel he could be. My walk with him demonstrated a loving and nurturing Spirit which pleasantly surprised me. Although my main goal was for Dad to make it to heaven, I found the gentle spirit I had so desperately needed throughout my life. Dad was so unstable, but God showed me His amazing grace while I began visiting him at the veterans’ home.

I have always felt different. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love people, and it has been my purpose to make an impact however small I have felt. When you find it hard to see the beauty of your soul, it becomes your mission to make sure others are capable of seeing that in themselves. I became a nurturer without even being aware. I have seen the miraculous, and I have seen people devastated beyond repair. We all have a special God-given gift, and mine is compassion. Compassion was not demonstrated to me personally growing up; however, I saw it in the way my mother uplifted others with her sense of humor and infectious laugh. I assumed I had more traits and characteristics of my dad, but it was Mom who instilled the capability to love others regardless of how much they invoked pain upon my life. To be able to see the good in people regardless of their past or present behaviors was bestowed upon my life when I wasn’t even paying attention. I now see how God has utilized this gift. He has allowed me the ability to serve the broken and to be determined enough to help build them up and seek the life they so deserve. It is difficult for me to understand the judgment of this world. I have been seeking a nonjudgmental atmosphere my entire life. People who have been through suffering should not have to be placed on display for judgment. Jesus was judged unmercifully. He was rebuked, sentenced to death, and treated like a criminal his entire life. The miraculous tends to bring a sense of disbelief. Those not walking with God will never understand the incredible feeling of just knowing you are serving in the capacity of love.

God’s Grace

He loves me just as I am. He saves me from every storm I face, and He is there anytime and anywhere I am in need. He also has graced my life with so many special and giving individuals who have been part of my journey. I have seen Him firsthand in the people who have befriended me over the past four years. A single mom with precious children who made sure I was eating when I didn’t have food. A soul sister who took me into her home when I had no place to go and was new to the community. A dear friend who met me when I moved back to Oklahoma with a bed and some other household items. A coworker who became like my family as I embarked on my new journey in this