Learning to Live Again

By Danielle Bell

When you experience the sudden death of a loved one and never saying goodbye, it is a tragedy beyond belief. I knew at 6:08 a.m. that something very bad had happened. I could feel my heart stop along with the clocks as my universe crumbled. After the death of my husband, I thought my world had come to an end At first, I could not imagine living life without my partner and father to our children. I was faced with the daunting concept that I was now a widow on my own and no one to love me. I remembered thinking, how do I face getting up every morning? But the sun still rises and sets. It doesn’t stop for your personal tragedy.

The reality that my life had completely changed, that I am suddenly no longer Danielle Bell, the wife of Eric Bell, was overwhelming. This inspired me to start to journaling. I knew I had to fill the void with mental, physical, and emotional activities to keep my sanity. I had the choice to reinvent myself or succumb to grief and depression. I chose to learn to live again on my own.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 12, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662456497

Book preview

cover.jpg

Learning to Live Again

Danielle Bell

Copyright © 2021 Danielle Bell

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2021

ISBN 978-1-6624-5648-0 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-5649-7 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

About the Author

My husband, Eric Bell, was born June 19, 1962, and was a maverick who stood six feet seven and was tall, dark, and handsome with the heart of a gentle giant and a smile that lit up a room. He was a man who had the Midas touch—whatever he set out to do, he accomplished with great stride. Eric was an avid reader with an inborn intellect. I called him my walking encyclopedia as he was a wealth of information. Eric and I both loved to work out: he was an avid biker, played rugby, and belonged to two different basketball teams. Eric was training for the basketball team to go to the Philippines when all this happened.

We were empty nesters and loved going out and eating and drinking, just the two of us. We always had something to talk about, and he was the most interesting person to me. He could have done that beer commercial about the most interesting man.

We have two beautiful boys, George and Nick, and they moved out and rented our condo with three other guys. George and Nick both took after their dad—they are hardworking. Under the guidance of their father, they learned the freight business. I loved that they were all together, and it was a dream come true for Eric. So beautiful. Eric was a huge, prominent figure on the Island of Guam, Micronesia, and throughout Asia. He was very respected and loved.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Eric and I had been renovating the house for the last couple of months, and finally our home was finished. We moved the furniture back into the house, and it was beautiful. Eric was so proud and happy. The renovation had only been going on for a while, but it seemed to go on forever. It was great to have our home back. That night we had dinner with my mother-in-law, Suzan Bell. She had just moved back to Guam and had been helping me move the furniture into the house earlier that day. After she left, Eric and I had a drink together, and he informed me that he was going on a short bike ride in the morning.

As I listened to him telling me, my heart was panic-stricken. I could feel my heart pounding. I asked him not to go on the bike ride, and we got into a small, heated disagreement. I told Eric, Please, the bike is going to be the end of you! I hate when you ride! I hate the bike! It is not safe, and it’s so dangerous! Eric was stunned when he heard the words I hate the bike. The words flew out of me with intense fear and loathing of him being on the roads here. Then I realized this was his passion and his time to be alone out there with nature, and I had no right to tell him not to ride. I started to feel bad for saying that to him.

Before bed, as we were getting ready to call it a night, I turned to him and said that I was sorry for what I said. I just wanted him to be careful because the drivers here were not respectful to bikers, and I was so frightened he might get hurt. Why did I feel like that? I did not want to go to bed angry, so I told Eric that I realized asking him not to bike was like asking me not to go to the gym and that I was so sorry. He kissed me, and he agreed he would be fine. We went to bed without anger, and the saying is true: never go to bed angry with a loved one because you never know what will happen. I thank God every day we went to bed loving each other, not angry.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

I woke up, and he was getting ready to go biking. He came over and kissed me, and I told him I wish he wouldn’t go and that I had a bad feeling. I was so afraid inside. Eric looked at me before he left the room with a loving look and smiles, that gorgeous smile at me. I had a gut-wrenching feeling at the bottom of stomach, but he doesn’t listen to me. I said goodbye to my husband as he left to ride his bike. I usually went back to sleep, but I couldn’t and decided to get up and have coffee. I thought to myself that I’d go to the gym.

As I got ready to work out, I saw the clock in my bedroom, and it read 6:08 a.m. I stared at the clock, and suddenly my world went into a loud silence. It was so frightening—nothing was moving, not even the clock. It seemed the clock was stuck at 6:08 a.m. Nothing was moving. All I could hear was the beating of my heart as it raced faster and faster with a cloud of panic coming over me. I paced up and down the stairs, knowing that something happened to Eric. I felt it. What was happening? I needed to stop, but I was in panic mode. I should call him. Yes. No, I should text, and I did. I texted him, but no reply to text after text. I wasn’t sure what to do, and everything was completely still. Time seemed to have stopped, nothing was moving, and my world seemed to have halted as if someone put the brakes on. I kept looking at the clock. I hated that clock, and I felt the need to beat it up. Eric, where are you? Please answer your text. Then I could feel him reaching out to me. I needed to find him—he needed me. I am gonna find you. I promise. I could feel him calling to me. My mind was spinning with worry and desperation, and I was out of control.

I felt that something was very wrong. I didn’t know how I knew, but I did and now I was in a full-on panic-stricken state in my heart. I had to get in my car and go look for him. I knew he was hurt on the road somewhere, calling for me. As I looked for my keys, I felt as if I were in slow motion. Why was nothing moving? Why was the clock a fixation for me? I called my sons, Nick and George, in full hysteria and was barely able to speak. I explained that something was wrong and that I had been calling and texting their dad, but he was not answering his mobile. (I barely called Eric’s cell phone while he was riding because that was his time alone.) I had called over and over that morning, plus texting, and was desperate for an answer.

Nick answered his phone, and when I told him something was wrong his dad, that he was hurt, he assured me he was fine. I was crying hysterically and saying he was not and that I had to go find him. I needed to help him. Just when I said that, a text came in from my friend Danielle. It said, He is going to be fine. Eric is strength and very strong. We are here for you. What did that mean? He would be fine! Nick said he would call his cell and to just hang in there. All I could think about was the bond Eric and I had, and that couldn’t be broken, ever. I knew he was calling out to me, and I needed to find him.

My boys, Nick and George, are tall and gorgeous like their father and have big hearts. They both have the traits of Eric yet the gentle, goofy side of me. They are loving people, and I am blessed to have them. An eternity passed as I waited for the boys to call back. Nick called me back after what felt like an eternity and said he and George were coming to get me. Nick called Eric’s phone, and to his surprise a woman answered his cell. Nick explained that he was looking for his father, Eric Bell, and this was his phone number. There was silence on the line, and then she explained the hospital had a John Doe, this was his phone, and he was at Guam Regional Medical Center. Nick asked how tall he was because of Eric’s height. She answered very tall, and Nick hung up then called me.

At that moment my world turned upside down, and I knew in my heart it was very terrible. I knew he was hurt badly, and he was calling out to me. I couldn’t think. I knew we needed to call Eric’s mom. She was going to be devastated. I called Suzie and told her Eric had an accident, that he was in the hospital. I told her the boys were picking me up to rush over there. She asked how bad, but I didn’t know yet. I knew in my heart it was not good… I called my mom and sister Michelle, while waiting for the boys, and I told them Eric was hurt and he’d been in a horrible accident. As the tears poured, they asked me all sorts of questions I didn’t have the answers to. I was going on my intuition.

On the ride to the hospital, we were in a state of shock, and it seemed to take forever to get there. What was a seven-minute ride seemed to take hours. I kept thinking I was dreaming while awake. God, please wake me. I remembered a bike accident that happened on June 2, 2013, and how he ended up with stitches. All I thought was, is this is another June 2? We got to the hospital, and as we walked into the emergency room, we saw that there were so many people there.

How did they know? Everyone was coming up to me. I was confused about what was going on. This was not happening to me and my family. Why was everyone here? Then I remembered the text from my friend earlier, stating he would be okay. It was starting to add up. A person came up to me and showed me a picture of Eric lying there in the middle of the road right after he was hit. I was in total shock. I wanted to scream at her, You insensitive $$*&@@#! How could someone show this to someone? That was my soul mate lying there—the father of my boys. What is wrong with her? As she showed this picture, Nick and George knocked the phone out of her hand. I was devastated. Who would show this to his wife with his boys standing there? The photo was now forever imprinted in my memory. It was all over social media and over the radio that a biker had been hit in front of Micronesia Mall, and the roads were closed off. Maryann heard it on the radio while getting ready for work and hoped that it was not Eric. She shrugged the thought off.

Fighting through the crowd of people trying to get to the emergency room, a doctor came up to me and asked if I was Mrs. Bell. I looked at him, sobbing uncontrollably, with tears flowing down my cheeks and not able to swallow or speak. I gave him a look of yes but couldn’t speak. He took us to a room, and he explained the condition of my husband and asked if I could handle seeing him. I was yelling in my head. Words weren’t coming out of my mouth. Please bring us to him. I needed to see him and know he would be fine. I wanted to talk to him. I had to bring him home. My boys and I took the long walk to the emergency room and were confronted by a sight we were not expecting.

He was lying there with a tube in his mouth and all broken. I collapsed, not believing the state he was in. My boys held on to me because my legs were shaking, and I couldn’t walk. Wake me, God, please wake me. I learned my lesson… What lesson? I just remembered thinking. Why didn’t I go get him? He was alone, lying on the road, with people taking photos and sharing on social media. It was a circus. The photos of him after the accident—and a picture of the car with the front end smashed as if the driver had hit a deer—were everywhere. All these photos were on Facebook and going viral. I kept thinking of the night before when we had the disagreement about bike riding, and I told him I hated the bike. Just that morning he walked over and said he loved me, and he would be back soon. I asked him not to go, and he kissed me, and that was the last time