Learning to Love and Loving to Learn

By Emmelienne Schreiner

Dr. Schreiner's book, Learning to Love and Loving to Learn, is a breakthrough study dealing with relationships in the family, the immediate family, and the extended family. She teaches the need for a strong spiritual value system as the basis for learning to love and loving to learn. Dr. Schreiner touches on such subjects as appropriate discipline, positive encouragement, helping children to reach their full potential, and how to make learning an exciting adventure for all ages. She deals with relevant problems of the twenty-first century, including such issues as addictions, codependency, and the trap of instant gratification. She stresses the need for families to develop self-control and to set realistic limits. She teaches parents how to develop problem-solving skills in their children so they can live more effectively in our troubled times. The book opens the door for learning to be an exciting adventure as readers learn to love and to love learning. Spiritual growth comes from gaining new information and insight and using that knowledge in your everyday life. The author describes the spiritual principles that bring families closer as they learn about themselves and parents free themselves from effects of having been raised in an addictive, incestuous, or otherwise dysfunctional family. Examples of how children and adults of all ages learn are included in every chapter. The workbook, included at the end of the book, will help readers to identify the effects their parents' words and methods of disciplining and showing love has had on their own self-concept and automatic behaviors. Automatic behaviors are emotional and sometimes physical responses to situations and events that arise because the event unconsciously reminds the reader of a similar childhood happening. Sometimes automatic behaviors are positive and sometimes negative and unwanted. The workbook will help readers to look at and edit the source of their automatic behaviors thereby enabling them to change their undesirable responses.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 12, 2018
• ISBN: 9781641389297

Book preview

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Learning to Love and Loving to Learn

Emmelienne Schreiner, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2018 Emmelienne Schreiner, Ph.D.

All rights reserved

First Edition

Page Publishing, Inc

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc 2018

ISBN 978-1-64138-928-0 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64138-929-7 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Acknowledgments

As a practicing psychologist, I encountered a great variety of persons and a diversity of problems. The personalities and situations that are described in this book are not specific to any patients but are reflective of the kind of human experiences I saw each day.

I wish to express my appreciation for my family and the staff at Christian Counseling for the constant support and understanding of my busy schedule and workaholic ways.

Phyllis Schroeder, my good friend, assisted me in every step of this endeavor. Without her, this work would not have been possible. Many thanks!

Introduction

Learning to Love and Loving to Learn

The New Testament opens the door for learning to be an exciting adventure as readers learn to love and love learning. Spiritual growth means not only to memorize facts but to understand how to use those facts to solve everyday problems. The author describes the spiritual principles that brings family members closer as they learn about themselves and parents free themselves from the effects of having been raised in an addictive, incestuous, or otherwise dysfunctional family. New ways of communication will also bless the extended family as they benefit from their children’s and grandchildren’s new emotional and spiritual habits. Easy to understand examples of how children and adults of all ages learn are included in every chapter.

Emmelienne Schreiner is a Christian behavioral therapist with a doctor’s degree in education who teaches readers how they can learn and help young children and adolescents develop their best potential at home, in school, in the community, and in church. She founded and was the director of Christian Counseling Inc., a nonprofit agency, for twenty years. She also wrote and supervised the addictive disorder program, Changing Directions, at Memorial Hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Chapter 1

Giving Good Gifts to your Children

Jesus said all parents instinctively know how to give good and advantageous gifts to their children.¹ What Jesus meant was that one of the best instincts God the Father gave to men and women was the strong desire to nurture children. Nurturing means active caring or caring that results in action. God made active caring not only a strong desire but an enjoyable process for both parents and children. A process means ongoing and continuing. On the part of parents, this miraculous process of active caring, or ongoing continuing care in action, begins before children are born and lasts at least until they become adults.

Nurturing or active caring can take many forms. One important form is meeting the physical needs of the child. For example, when a man and woman first know a child is coming, the pregnant mother and joyful father satisfy their desire to physically nurture their child when they lovingly select the most attractive crib they can afford. Miraculously their love for the yet unborn child increases as they physically prepare for the birth of the child.

This growing love within the heart of the mother and father is a reward from God for meeting the physical needs of the child. The reward of love arising within the mother and father brings joy to the parents because there is nothing more satisfying than feeling love.² The Bible supports this by saying he who loves has the greatest blessing.³ In contrast, the world places the emphasis on being loved, saying it is more satisfying to be loved than to love.

Love that has been awakened and increased while the parents are giving is not only a reward but also a powerful incentive for the parents to keep on nurturing the child. The more the parents give loving care to the child, the more the satisfying feeling within the parents increases, and the more the love increases, the more the parents desire to nurture. Wow! What a wonderful process God has designed.

The reason the feeling of love that the parent experiences increases is that the parent is always saving the feeling of love he or she feels for the child in a place called the memory bank.

THE MEMORY BANK

The memory bank is similar to a money bank. We save our cash in a money bank and bank officials add interest to our account for the privilege of using our money. Similarly, in our memory bank, we save emotions and events. That means we not only record every happening in our memory bank, but we also record every accompanying emotion.

For example, when parents store the feeling of love they have for the unborn child, which has been aroused by instinct, and add the love they feel each day as they physically prepare for the child, love for the child increases.

The growing love within the parent soon begins to take the form of deep-rooted love. This kind of love can withstand the many trials and tribulations that are sure to come after the child is born.

What a blessing it is that while God is especially preparing the unborn child for the world outside the mother’s body, He is rooting love for the child within the hearts of the parents.

Because the parents feel love for the child before the child is born, expecting parents usually picture a perfect relationship. This picture of the relationship sets a goal for the parents. This goal must also be strongly rooted because it will cause the love to take action. God planned this demonstration of love, in action, because the child learns what is demonstrated for him. Once the child learns to love, the child will also demonstrate God’s love for the world.

GOD HAS MANY WAYS AND PURPOSES

It is probably good to comment at this time that love in action includes training through discipline. It is also good to note that God has other avenues through which He can and does demonstrate His love for the child. Parents are assured that God will be responsible for the eventual good that will come from their efforts to parent if they are submitted to Him. If parents ask God to direct their lives and their children’s lives, He will use every happening for eventual good. Errors go under God’s grace. This ideal plan is to allow the parents to feel the unselfish love He placed in their hearts and to let that love flow from the parent to the child. God has another reason for this plan.

The reason is that another reward for being a parent is to experience in a very small way, how God feels about us, His children. The Father feels a deeply rooted love for us that can and does withstand and support us in every trial we experience. It is called agape love and it is the deepest, most enduring love in the universe. This agape love is the love in action that propels us toward our best potential.

Parents, then, are experiencing in a small way what God experiences as He parents us. We share our children’s trials along with God while experiencing deeply rooted love for them. Similarly, God shares all our trials and our children’s trials and He, at the same time, is experiencing deeply rooted love for us. The goal of His love is our growth and our children’s growth.

GROWTH AND LEARNING

Growth means increasing or learning. We are meant to constantly increase, under God’s love, just as our children are meant to learn and Increase under our love. If we and our children experience learning, as God means us to, we will be drawn more and more deeply into the kingdom of God.⁴ That means we will be sharing God’s work, and the more we share, the more we will experience His love in and through us. This feeling of God’s love within us, as stated earlier, is the most rewarding emotion on earth.

God planned it this way because He wants children and parents not only to learn but to love to learn. This is because learning leads to understanding, to finding truth. We feel more secure, relaxed, and free when we know the truth. This is part of what Jesus meant when He said, Know the truth and the truth will set you free.⁵ A secure feeling also dissolves the fears that hinder further learning. The reason is if children are secure during learning, they feel as though they want to learn more and more. If they are insecure or frightened while learning, children will want to escape learning. Learning will be a job, a chore, instead of a pleasure.

BACK TO THE MEMORY BANK

One experiences truth by understanding. God created the memory bank so we and our children could increase our understanding by adding knowledge to knowledge. Through that increase, we come closer and closer to understanding the truth, spiritually, emotionally, and academically.

In summary, without a memory bank, children would not be able to learn. For example, infants experience the warmth and satisfaction of their mothers’ bodies when they are nursed. Because of this, when mothers lift their infants from their crib, the children remember the physical nourishment and good feelings that have previously come from their mothers’ presence. The infants have learned that the warm milk will fill their empty tummies and they will feel satisfied. Infants, therefore, snuggle closer and search for their mothers’ breasts. The quality and vitality of parent-child relationships, then, begin when children are infants.

THE PROCESS OF MATURING

Relationship is a main key to the process of maturing. The child will interact or share a relationship with many persons, but no other relationship on earth will come close to influencing the child’s behavior as will the interaction between parents and child.

Because the tender love a parent gives an infant when caring for the child’s physical needs is recorded in the memory of the child, two goals are accomplished at once. The child has a physical need met and the concept of being a person who is loved is also recorded.

During their lifetime, children will often search through the files in their memory bank to see if they feel loved. If children feel love and security, they will be able to give love to others. Because Jesus felt secure in His Father’s love, He was able to give love to others.⁶

Through the relationship with parents then, the child’s memory bank builds and the child feels more secure. This feeling of security favorably affects every happening in the child’s life.

OTHER WAYS OF GATHERING INFORMATION FOR THE MEMORY BANK

Learning by example is another effective method of learning. Children watch and imitate their parents because they feel secure with them. Children also imitate their parents because they feel they and their parents are one person. This is similar to the way Jesus said he felt about His Father: I and my Father are one.⁷

The Father in heaven, then, uses the relationship between parent and child to meet the child’s physical and emotional needs. He also uses the relationship to begin the storehouse of memories that will affect the child’s attitude toward learning throughout life.

If the relationships are good, parents and children both grow. Parents learn about themselves and their children, and the youngsters learn to live in their world. Hopefully both parents and children grow closer to the Lord. If learning is pleasant for children, they will be eager to learn more. If learning is unpleasant, children will not want to learn.

For example, if a child is laughed at because of making errors in reading, the youngster will have a feeling of anxiety when reading. The anxiety may affect all schoolwork. In addition, the youngster may never feel confident when attempting other activities.

Others will sense the child’s feelings of insecurity and will feel the youngster is more remote than if the child felt confident. In the same measure that others are drawn to the youngster or feel distant from the child, the youngster’s feelings of insecurity will become stronger.

In this way, a pattern of loving to learn or fear of learning is established. To grow or not to grow is always the question that is being answered in the heart of the child. The answer is greatly affected by the parent’s attitude toward learning and their attitude toward their child’s attempts at learning.

The parent cannot give the child an attitude the adult doesn’t possess so the parent must also have a heart that is eager to learn. If parents don’t feel their own hearts are open or confident enough for each step of growth, the parents should ask the Lord to remove the fear of learning from their hearts. Christ did not give us a spirit of fear but of a sound mind.⁸ The learning parent who is offering much to the child is given more from the Father.⁹ In this manner, the quality and vitality of my husband’s and my relationship with God improved as our relationship with our children grew.

OUR SON, JONATHAN, AT NINE MONTHS

This is an age of exploration. Children feel secure enough to attempt movement around a room because they feel their parents are nearby.

Our son, Jonathan, walked when he was nine months old. I had made a red-and-white seersucker suit for him and had proudly dressed him in it before his father was due to come home for dinner. I stood Jonathan securely against the wall and knelt a few feet away to admire him. To my surprise, he suddenly toddled toward me. He was beautiful in the smiling face of accomplishment. When he reached my waiting arms, we hugged and laughed together.

Because his attempts at walking were reinforced with pleasant feelings of being loved, he was encouraged to attempt other tasks. This kind of relationship brings real joy because it is a part of God’s plan for the Christian family to learn to love and to love to learn.

OUR DAUGHTER, ELLEN

We felt particularly grateful for the gift of Ellen because she was not born until Jonathan was five years old and because I had given stillbirth to our second child, our first girl, three years earlier. Ellen’s good self-concept, I am sure, began because she was welcomed so enthusiastically to the world. She says her childhood memories consist mostly of being hugged and being told she was loved.

Ellen popped into the world with only a few warning pangs of labor. The doctor had hospitalized me before the event because our stillborn child had come so unexpectedly that the doctor was not present.

We fell in love with Ellen immediately. Her dark curly hair framed her beautiful porcelain skin, preserved by an almost effortless birth. I cuddled the beautiful possession as she and I were wheeled from the delivery room to meet my husband, who had just arrived at the hospital after a hurried call from the doctor.

When Ellen was twenty-two, she went back to college and enrolled in the engineering program at the University of New Mexico. At twenty-one, she had finished three years of college in an early childhood development program. When she decided to follow in her father’s vocation and become an engineer, she was not besieged with feelings of guilt because she had changed curriculums. She felt confident that the education she had in human development would enhance her engineering program. She had been taught that God does not want us to waste our talent and similarly, He will not waste any talent we have developed.

JONATHAN IS MORE CAUTIOUS THAN ELLEN

Our son, Jonathan, is a little less secure and a little more cautious than Ellen. I believe Jonathan is more cautious than Ellen because he was old enough to sympathize with me and to become frightened when I suffered from a serious illness.

When Ellen was four and Jonathan was nine, I became ill with a collagen disease. The tissue disease kept me short of energy. I finally became bedridden and stayed bedfast at home for close to two years. The disease was accompanied by high fevers which would rise over a period of days to 106 degrees. Usually at this point, I would be hospitalized and packed in ice until the temperature would go down.

Jonathan’s features would freeze in stress each time my body would begin to tremble with fever. He would demand, Daddy, do something—you’ve got to do something to stop Mom from getting sick again. He suffered because he saw someone he loved suffering. He was also old enough to realize that I could die and that he too could suffer. This understanding and the accompanying events are recorded in his memory bank.

After two years and one surgery, my temperature changes became less frequent and I returned to college mainly because I wanted to learn to write. I had little physical strength, but I felt writing was something that I might be able to do. I had not attended college since I was eighteen years old.

MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH THROUGH JONATHAN’S WITNESS

The Lord uses both cautious and less cautious persons. He also uses secure and less secure persons.

For example, Jonathan’s experiences have made him very sensitive to the needs of others. It was through Jonathan that I developed my personal relationship with the Lord.

Jonathan had never lost his determination that I should be healed entirely and to his sensitive prayers he added action. Just before I graduated with a BA in secondary education, the doctors and my husband thought I should go to the Mayo Clinic because the temperatures still came approximately every three months. This was an improvement over the two-week schedule when I was bedridden. With a temperature of 101 degrees, I flew to Minnesota and checked myself into the hospital at mid­night. For a month, doctors observed my faulty health. They finally decided to remove my spleen on the basis of research that showed the swollen spleen was caused by the yet unexplained disease. The enlarged spleen, in turn, caused the fevers.

A few days before my husband flew to Minnesota for the surgery, Jonathan called me to say he had been born again and believed God would heal me.

Both children had attended a Christian day school, but Jonathan was not an ardent Bible student due to his determination to study only what he likes. When he becomes inter­ested in a subject, he reads and studies almost constantly until he thoroughly understands it. If he is not interest­ed in a subject, the books will remain on the shelf.

Jonathan became an active Christian just before my surgery. He called me long distance and his sensitivity benefitted me. You gotta listen, Mom, there’s more to Jesus than I knew before. You can know Him too—in a different way, a real way—like I do now, and Jesus wants to heal you. You’re going to be well.

Through Jonathan’s witness, I began to interact with Jesus in prayer and came to know Him as I had never known Him before. Furthermore, even though three doctors had told me I would never work a normal day, just the opposite has been true. I taught Bible literature in high school for three years and then went on to earn a Master’s degree in guidance and counseling and a PhD in education. In addition, I opened an agency called Christian Counseling Inc.

ELLEN IS INFLUENCED BY MY RETURN TO SCHOOL

By the time I went back to school, Ellen was old enough to be influenced by my determination to not give up at everything because much had been taken away. Because she was influenced by my actions, she can change from a vocation of early child­hood development to a career of engineering when her intellect says there is a better future in science and her answers to prayer say it is right.

My bedridden years had lasted until I was thirty-five years old. When I was thirty-nine, I had earned my BA in secondary education. The patience and support of my husband had edified me in my attempt to be productive at whatever I was capable of attempting and his emotional support had been an example for the children to place in their memory banks.

The support of my husband and my determination to ac­complish became internalized values for the children. Internalization of values simply means my husband’s steadfastness and my determination were values the children desired and admired so these characteristics became a part of their personalities.

They were also able to internalize or adopt these qualities as their own because they saw us utilize the qualities affectively. God had earlier internalized the same qualities in us, during our childhood, so we were able to pass the qualities on.

LEARNING IS AN ADVENTURE

Learning can be an adventure and experience in discovery. The best place for children to learn this is from other family members. After I had gone back to college, I so looked forward to the adventure of learning that I usually bought my college textbooks as soon as I registered for new classes. My children used to tease me because as soon as I had bought the texts, I would browse through them, reading the chapter titles and subheadings. I enjoyed learning so much that I wanted a preview of what I would be learning the next semester.

Even though they teased me, when Jon and Ellen went to college and became serious students, they followed my example. They too bought their texts ahead and previewed them.

The children called me a study-a-holic because I rewrote my class notes on 3×5 cards after each class lecture. Ellen was thrilled, however, when she raised her grade point average a full point by making note cards for her engineering studies. She boasted, Not too long ago, I would not have enjoyed all this serious studying, but it’s neat to understand how and why things work. She enjoyed learning.

LEARNING AND THE MEMORY BANK

A child learns best by demonstration and when a child sees a parent enjoy learning it is recorded in the child’s memory bank. It is like a light tracing or an indentation on a record. This indentation on the child’s memory becomes a little deeper and therefore more lasting when the youngster sees the parent enjoy learning on a regular basis, when learning is a part of the parent’s lifestyle.

A youngster then learns to enjoy studying because of re­peated modeling. Similarly, the child learns information that is presented by the teachers in class. After children first read or hear lessons, it is much easier to deepen that indentation on their memory if they review soon after the first marking. The indentation will also be more accurate if this type of rehearsal of information takes place soon after the lecture.

Because of this, I rewrote my notes as soon as possible after each lecture. I also used this method because later I wanted to use the cards as study aides. When I rewrote the notes on cards I reworded, each point into a question that I wrote on one side of the card. I wrote the answer to the question on the back of the card. Making note cards of the lectures, then, served two purposes: (1) By writing the notes, I reviewed the information, and I deepened the indentation of it on my memory bank. When I wanted to remember the information, I was able to do it more accurately because the memory indentation had been deepened. (2) When I wanted to study for a test, I would read the questions on each card and then check the answer on the back of the card. If I answered the question correctly, I placed the card in my lap. If I did not know the answer, I placed the card at the bottom of the stack of cards.

In the same manner, each time I read through the stack of cards, more and more cards would be placed in the stack of cards in my lap because I knew the answer to the question.

If I didn’t know the answer to the question, when I read the answer, I was placing or more deeply indenting that answer on my memory. After going through each stack of lecture notes two or three times, I usually knew all the answers.

The method was effective and pleasant to use. The cards that were placed in my lap demonstrated to me that I had learned some of the information I needed to know. I could also see the stack of cards in my hand going down, showing me I had less and less to learn before the test. In other words, the cards were a visual demonstration for me that I was learning.

That visual demonstration also gave me confidence on the day of the test. I would go into the classroom feeling I would get an A or at least a high B because I felt I knew the material.

MASTERING THE MATERIAL

It is one thing to memorize facts and it is another thing to understand how the facts are used. Usually if a student knows enough facts about a subject and how these facts work together, understanding or mastery of the subject will follow. Learning to drive a car with a gearshift is a simple example.

MASTERING THE SKILL OF DRIVING

First, the student must learn that it is necessary to place the car in low gear when the car is in motion. The car must be placed in higher gear as the speed of the car is increased. Finally, during most of the driving time, the car will be in third or fourth gear. The driving student must also learn to operate the gas and the clutch pedal by depressing them.

A very important part of learning to drive is to learn the skill of steering. The student must learn little things too, such as how to turn on the ignition and the headlights. Perhaps the student will begin to learn all of these things by watching a movie or videotape of someone performing the tasks. Later, he will try these skills himself while the car is not in motion. But eventually, the student must perform all the tasks in proper order so the car will run properly.

Performing all the skills in the right order is, at first, an enormous task.

What experienced driver does not remember the sound of grinding gears because he shifted without first pushing down on the clutch with his foot.

THE EXPERIENCE OF MASTERY

Finally, the day comes when driving the car becomes almost effortless. All the skills that go into driving have been learned, and what’s more, the students have learned to perform each skill in its proper order. The students have mastered the skill of driving cars because they understand how the individual skills worked together. The youngsters gained understanding when they saw the effect of their learning was that they could drive. The total experience of understanding, the aha effect, came when they actually drove effortlessly.

THE CONFIDENT FEELING

We feel more confident if we understand and when we un­derstand, we feel more relaxed and free. And when we feel free, we feel joyful and happy. And when we feel all these good things when we are studying, learning is a pleasure and an adventure. It becomes something we want to do.

Learning is easy if children enjoy it and if they know how to learn. Parents set the best model for their children to enjoy learning if they enjoy learning themselves.

SUMMARY

One of the best gifts parents can give their children is a love of learning. Out of the desire to learn, children develop the best potential God has for them, emotionally, spiritually, and academically. The relationship that parents have with their children is similar to the relationship God has with the parents. Because of this, parents understand their relationship with God more and more as they learn to parent their children.

Children place all their experience, including the accompanying emotions, in their memory banks. All the values parents have taught them are stored there. Children constantly refer to their memory banks when they try to decide how to act or react in any situation.

The first time children hear about or see something demonstrated for them, an indentation is made on their memory banks. Each time a similar teaching is repeated, the indentation is made deeper. If the indentation is deep, children accept that teaching as being true. They will, therefore, act upon it.

For example, if children are told they are able to learn, they record the belief that they are capable of learning in their memory banks. If they hear their parents tell their friends their children learn tasks quickly, the indentation that they are capable learners is made deeper. Because of the deep indentation, whenever they learn a skill, such as riding a bike, they approach the task with confidence. They believe they will be able to do it.

The confidence helps them learn the task. The knowledge that they have learned another task deepens the belief that they are capable of learning even more on their memory banks. The result is they will be even more confident of their learning abilities when they approach the next learning task.

There is, of course, conflicting experience stored in their memory banks. Each time children experience a failure, it decreases the indentation that they can learn. When faced with tasks, all their experiences are taken into consideration before they decide whether they can do it or not.

Once a teaching or belief is firmly rooted in the memory bank, it has become what is called internalized. If a value is internalized, it will affect many of the student’s actions.

The effect will very definitely be present, but the students may not be aware it is there.

For example, telling the truth may be so important to parents that they have repeatedly taught their children to be honest no matter what the cost. If the children have internalized or totally accepted the idea that telling the truth is more important than anything else, they will probably be very open and honest about telling others how they feel.

Others will be able to rely on them for honest opinions. The children may not even realize they are more frank about how they feel than others are because it has become natural and easy for them to express their opinions. They will also expect others, to appreciate their honest opinions. Frankness, honesty, and openness are new characteristics of these children. They will be open and frank in all their discussions.

When many facts are put together, children gain an understanding of how those facts work together. This is called an insight or an aha experience. The purpose or the truth of the facts is only gained when this understanding is achieved. When students understand what they are searching for is truth, they love to learn.

Chapter 2

The Gift of a Positive Attitude

Why do people react differently to similar situations? Why does one person react with a positive attitude and gratitude, and why does another person react to a similar situation with a negative attitude or ingratitude? The answer is that people select attitudes from their memory banks.

One’s general attitude, stored in the memory bank, is as much a part of a person as the color of one’s hair. Just like hair color, given the proper treatment, an attitude can change. It is first acquired because someone had demonstrated that attitude for the child but it is sustained or discouraged by the parent’s modeling. If a parent’s attitude is negative and the child feels a dose relationship to the parent, the same negative attitude becomes a part of the personality of the child.

A negative personality means the child’s general attitude takes away pleasantness from every situation. A positive personality means a child adds pleasantness to every situation. In addition, the negative or positive attitude of the child influences how others feel about him, whether people are attracted to the youngster or not. In other words, because of attitude, pleasant or unpleasant emotions affect every event in the child’s life.

Trisha and Monique were two girls who had similar abilities and opportunities. Both of the girls had IQs that were a little above average. They both had fathers who earned a good livable wage and both of their mothers worked part time. Trisha and Monique lived in the same neighborhood and so they attended the same grade school, middle school, and high school. Both of the girls were Christians. The difference in the girls, however, was attitude and their attitude was largely formed because of the difference in their parents’ attitude.

TRISHA AND MONIQUE

As Trisha and Monique walked across the high school campus, Monique’s heart sang as she noticed the morning dew on the spring roses. She breathed in the eager feeling that God had planned a day of blessings. Trisha walked beside her and noticed the roses were even sparser than the year before. The girls were on the way to their chemistry class. Trisha remembered that the chemistry teacher was most grumpy on Mondays. She silently asked God why He hadn’t sent a better chemistry instructor to school. Monique silently thanked God for the knowledgeable chemistry teacher.

Monique entered the class with a pleasant feeling that made her cheeks glow. Trisha entered the class with a facial scowl. Monique sat in the front row, ready to absorb the day’s lesson as Trisha moved to the back of the room hoping the teacher would not notice that she had no desire to learn today. Monique learned much and Trisha learned only a little. Trisha, of course, blamed the teacher when she received a poor test grade. Monique praised God that He had given her a good mind and the opportunity to use it to learn. Trisha felt college was not for her. Monique looked forward to college.

Classmates noticed that Monique asked intelligent questions in class and asked her to join a study group. Trisha grumbled because her classmates did not seek her out. She told her mother they were prejudiced against her because she wasn’t bright.

Trisha’s mother agreed with Trisha. I’ve always felt people were against me too. It probably was because I couldn’t keep up in school. You would think those intellectual snobs would think of us once in a while. Best thing is to ignore them. You’ll only get hurt if you try to keep up.

In contrast, Monique and her mother sat down to a cup of herb tea after school. The youngster had anticipated a good conversation when she opened the door. Monique told her mother she was happy to have been invited to join the study group not only because sharing insights would help her to learn but because she would enjoy getting to know the other students. Monique’s mother agreed and offered to help her make refreshments for the first group meeting.

THE EFFECT OF THEIR ATTITUDES

Monique and Trisha’s attitudes had been developed in their childhoods. Monique’s positive attitude benefited her when she went to college, and similarly, Trisha’s attitude made college life less pleasant for her.

MONIQUE AND TRISHA IN COLLEGE

Trisha decided to go to college because she heard students could get loans at low interest rates and she thought she would like to borrow money for a car. She also went to college because she hated her summer job and did not want to continue working forever.

"After all, the big-paying jobs go to the people who have gone to college. God knows my parents have been gypped out of good jobs all their lives.

Monique and Trisha registered for the same college math class. It was like a repeat of high school except this time the teacher treated both girls unfairly. The instructor, Dr. Ferris, had a negative attitude toward women. He felt he had lost a promotion because the college had a policy of promoting women whenever possible. He answered the questions the boys asked but flatly said in response to Monique’s question that she would not have asked such a stupid question if she had read the text.

Trisha observed the professor’s unfair treatment of Monique and moved further to the back of the room. She vowed to ask no questions herself. This didn’t save her from the unfair treatment, however. She was treated unfairly when the first tests were graded.

TRISHA’S UNFAIR EXPERIENCE

Trisha had made the effort to study and had tried to think positively about the course. She had just read a book on positive thinking. She received a C on her test but asked the boy next to her if she could see his test because he had earned an A.

Trisha was infuriated when she realized that one of her essay questions cited the same references as did Randy’s test. Yet he received a full ten points for the answer and she received only five points. The difference in the points would have meant a grade of B on that test instead of the C she had received.

Trisha dropped the course. She felt she had been hurt too much in the past by prejudiced people to put up with this kind of treatment again. Her memory bank was filled with unpleasant experiences.

MEMORIES AND PERCEPTIONS

The emotions of the unfair events in Trisha’s life had risen from her memory and overwhelmed her. It is important to note that her memories were as she had remembered the events to be—not necessarily as they were. How she remembers the events to be were mixed with the emotions she felt while the events were taking place. This is not to her discredit, for each of us record events as we perceive them to be. We also record the accompanying emotions. No wonder we react so differently.

In truth, each one of us can only think of four to six events going on in the present. All other perceptions of the present events are drawn from the emotions in our memory bank. Therefore, the emotions of past similar events affect the perception of present events. We don’t usually sort this out or even realize why we have a positive or negative attitude toward a happening. We don’t know that it is the emotions we have recorded along with similar events that are often causing our present attitude and actions.

Trisha’s experience is a good example of this. Her attitude toward the course was affected by her memory bank, and her memory bank had been developed greatly by her mother’s attitude.

TRISHA DROPS THE COURSE

Trisha dropped the class and felt she would hate math forever. She sent her small knowledge of math into her memory bank together with negative feelings. These newly banked negative feelings toward math would arise with her old negative feelings toward school each time she thought of math. She would also have negative feelings each time she thought of male professors.

Now that she had added negative feelings to negative feelings, general pessimistic emotions or feelings would arise from time to time, but Trisha would not know where the emotions came from. Pessimism or negativism was now, even more so, a personality characteristic of Trisha.

In contrast, because Monique had a positive personality characteristic, she decided not to drop the class but instead decided to talk with the professor. She wanted to ask him how she could improve the quality