Real-Self Expression Exploring the Dimensionalities of Who We Are From the Authors of Letting Go and Taking the Chance to be Real

By Sherron Lewis

This book is about exploring the dimensionalities of who we are as we strive to communicate the deeper aspects of our being. Giving creative voice to "real-self expression" requires our establishing true communication with a deeper consciousness within us — a turning inward to capture and seize the thoughts, experiences, emotions, and myriad of memories that reside inside our mind — to push beyond the limitation of words and to stand in the spaces between what may seem to be inharmonious aspects of our self to find synchrony. This is the gift of our psychic symphony. The only question is one of what we will compose. Sherron Lewis and Shelley Stokes The authors, Shelley Stokes, Ph.D. and Sherron Lewis, LMFT, have been pursuing a conceptual, clinical and experiential exploration of the many dimensions and phenomena contained in the human struggles inherent in knowing, being, expressing and living as an expression of SELF that is more REAL and less a manifestation of distorting, inhibiting, fear inducing and submissiveness to accommodate to the perceived demands and expectations of external forces and emotionally important relationships. In this, their latest effort in this endeavor, they continue to employ a methodology that includes clinical theoretical formulations, neuropsychological findings, poetic and philosophical offerings, spiritual references, clinical therapeutic vignettes, and personal reflections. Throughout their writings, Lewis and Stokes, creatively share aspects of their own personal explorations and reflections on their journeys to greater self-authenticity and freedom of expressions of the self. In fact, it is through their use of personal self-disclosures, that they offer the reader a form of interpersonal experiential intimacy in teaching and encouraging the same in the reader's journey of self-discovering and expression, thus making accessible to the reader, especially the non-clinical professionals, a greater access to integrated knowing through concepts, emotions, reflections and experiences. Through this unique approach, the authors engage in a powerful means of communication by inviting the reader to personally engage in the demanding, complex, exciting, energizing and releasing effort to get beyond habitual ways of being in finding, creating and expressing that which has been waiting to be brought to greater fruition in REAL-SELF expression. Errol F. Leifer, PhD., ABPP ABN FABN Sherron Lewis is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Northern California. She specializes in individual and interpersonal conflict and personal development. Her theoretical orientation is a blend of psychodynamic, attachment, and family systems theories. She has enjoyed conducting many workshops on a variety of topics relating to parenting, shame, and real self-expression. The focal areas of her practice are: individual, couples, and family therapy, multilevel intervention, and clinical consultation. She also has enjoyed being a freelance artist for the past thirty-five years. Shelley Stokes is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Northern California. He received his certification in psychoanalytic psychotherapy from the Masterson Institute in 1994 and has had a long-standing practice treating adults and families. He has conducted many workshops and taught extensively on a variety of topics related to understanding and treating disorders of the self. In addition to coauthoring three recent books with Sherron, his other writings have included Disorders of the Self: Advances in Diagnosis and Treatment of Borderline Personality Organization, Non-Pathologic Object Use in the Process of Therapeutic Change: Winnicott Revisited, and The Culturally Different Patient in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 29, 2020
• ISBN: 9781647013301

Book preview

Chapter One

What Is Real-Self Expression?

In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.

—Etta Turner (1986–2002)

What Is Real-Self Expression? That Is the Question!

In the chapters that follow, we will discuss many catalysts and barriers to various forms of self-expressiveness, including our needs for self-expression through artistic endeavors, through symbolic imagery, intuitive art, and metaphor, through our dreams, imagination, writing, and self-reflection, and through our most intimate interactions with others. In all these contexts, we are often afforded the opportunity for spontaneous release of long held, silenced emotions that can enable us to more deeply delve into the vital nuances of the internal world of our feelings, imaginings, and thoughts.

Such opportunities can stimulate our creativity, openness, and curiosity and can allow us to surprise even ourselves. As such, they can help bring into our awareness parts of ourselves that have not been given any previous form of expression thereby contributing to our process of discovery and rediscovery of who we are in our uniqueness and complexity. Our imaginations can enhance our capacity for deep self-expression and enrich the quality of our most intimate relationships. Through our imaginings, we can envision new possibilities.

I (SL), for example, remember that several years ago, a dear friend and colleague of mine, Jodie, drove me to Los Angeles to see a family member who was terribly ill. On the way she asked if I would like to hear The Velveteen Rabbit (by Margery Williams 1922) read by Meryl Streep, which she had recently purchased. I found this suggestion to be charmingly playful and spontaneous and said that I would love to. As the CD began to play, a whimsical sort of music pulled me into a place of unfathomable resonance. The emotions I began experiencing were somewhat perplexing, and the best way I could describe what I felt was a profound sense of peace accompanied with unexplainable sadness. The arrangement of music that had been orchestrated together with this wonderful story of a stuffed rabbit that becomes real left me not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

This classic story read by Meryl Streep, combined with its whimsical music, prompted what became a decade of both serious and playful self-excavation (excerpted from Lewis and Stokes 2017, 9–12 and Thoughts from Sherron, http://selftendingcreativeconsciousness.com/).

Such events are only a few among the countless variety of experiences that come to influence our many thoughts, beliefs, moods, feelings, memories, skills, and intentions that bring a great deal of dimensionality to our lives and to our sense of who we are. Appreciation of the richness and complexity of our highly active internal worlds is one of the most fundamental joys of being human.

Having the courage to express ourselves authentically and creatively through work, play, in personal relationships, and throughout many other aspects of our lives allows us to live with passion, inspiration, and a sense of agency (Lewis and Stokes, http://selftendingcreativeconsciousness.com/).

The Constant Interplay and Complexity of Our Thoughts and Emotions

We all have experienced those intense thoughts and feelings that seem to linger on forever in comparison to others that are less intense and are more transitory. Those that linger may involve a complex of emotions. For example, the experience of anger in particular has been found to be frequently blended with the experience of other emotions, such as sadness, fear, disgust, and surprise.¹ Because of this, we may sometimes even become confused about whether we are feeling a single emotion or a combination of them.²

Describing the details of such constant interplay of thoughts and emotions can become a challenging endeavor (cf. Trampe et al. 2015; and Mill et al. 2018). This, in part, may be due to the fact that our feelings are not static and may vary in their intensity, duration, and complexity.

We may, at times, find ourselves asking, Why did I say that when I don’t really believe it? or may even quizzically come to realize, I believe what I said, but I am really not sure what it means (Palmer 2004, 121). Now and then, you may experience feelings that seem to occur outside our immediate awareness and find yourself saying, I had no idea I felt that way or I didn’t know that I had such strong feelings about that or I didn’t know such feelings were still there. In part, this may be due to the fact that our feelings can change over time without consciously knowing it. Thus, after some incident which annoyed us thoroughly, we find ourselves saying, I was surprised to find that I was no longer angry. In addition, we may consciously change how we feel in the light of some new understandings. Or, conversely, we may try to cut ourselves off from our feelings altogether or at least avoid them, especially when they involve negative feelings such as distress.

For example, in adults who have been severely traumatized during childhood, there is often a tendency to avoid the expression of deep feelings all together for fear that expression of them will lead to loss of control and/or rejection and abandonment by others (cf. van der Kolk 2014, 337). The problem, however, is that in minimizing or trying to ignore such emotions, we only serve to make them stronger and more persistent.

The Impact of Early Traumatization and Emotional Pain

Opening ourselves to our discomfort takes a lot of courage. As Germer (2009) observes, some people can simply jump in and embrace their emotional distress. Others take a more gradual path. Hurling themselves into those turbulent waters works for some people, but the willingness to do so is no indication of personal virtue—especially if you can’t swim (p. 25).

Indeed, tendencies toward denial, withdrawal, and self-isolation are common in reaction to deeply felt emotional pain. In fact, one clue that a person is feeling distressed may be in their becoming unusually quiet or shut down. Such silence speaks volumes, and generally the message is, I’m not going to risk your hurting me more than you already have…so I’m putting a wall between us (Seltzer 2011, Psychology Today).

Still at times we may simply need to hover gently over painful thoughts and emotions by taking more time to acknowledge and observe them and to sit quietly with them. When this process goes well, we are able to develop an accepting attitude toward the feelings we are experiencing even when they may include fear, anger, sadness, boredom, or other troublesome emotions we feel in our lives. This is true in the case of any emotions we may feel, positive or negative, but is especially true with regard to feelings of emotional pain.³

Particularly with histories of early trauma, it may become difficult to identify the complex, or even simple, emotional states that have resulted within us, and expressing them or modulating the more intense ones can become quite a challenge.

Finding the safety necessary to explore such deeper feelings of distress may involve finding a qualified counselor, meditation teacher, or psychotherapist to help us address our deeper and at times disquieting feelings of discomfort or internal conflict.

Timing and safety are critical. Many people with childhood trauma have a habit of gritting their teeth and doing what they think they should do, even if it feels bad (Germer 2009, 79).

Expressing Our True Feelings

To express, or not to express, what to say and what not to say, to follow our gut feelings, or to keep them at bay are constant questions we all face. We all have had many occasions in which we ask ourselves, Should I express my true feelings or not? Should I just keep them to myself or ‘let them flow’? Saying exactly what we mean can be risky. In part, that is why we may often not do so.

I (SS) am hopefully not particularly unique in finding that the notion of expressing many of my thoughts and feelings to be a scary proposition. This is particularly the case when I feel sentiments that I fear may not be well received by others or some particular other. Or which involve sentiments that I myself am not really sure of. Caught in the throes of internal deliberation, I dread the thought of finding myself shamed and embarrassed over something that I might have said and wished that I hadn’t.

While it is true that in many situations it may be important to contain our emotions and to reflect on them rather than to express them in a more direct manner, at other times, free-flowing direct expression of our emotions is essential to our sense of authenticity and joy in sharing with others who we truly are.

Healthy Real-Self Expression

Communicating our thoughts and feelings and telling our personal stories cannot only liberate us from the judgments we often have about ourselves and about others but also can heal us from our internal conflicts by the simple act of sharing (cf. Meindl 2014). While part of us may resist this, another part may quietly prompt, So do it. Don’t wait for the perfect way to say something or the right occasion. Say what you’re actually feeling. However, healthy real-self expression is not simply a matter of saying or acting on whatever comes to one’s mind or simply a matter of doing one’s own thing; rather it often involves a negotiation—a balance among our varying moods and the many voices in our heads. Love and hate, aggression and surrender, loyalty and betrayal, excitement and boredom, anxiety and relief, fear, anger, sadness, joy, hope, and ecstasy, all are the emotional stuff of human experience which we may spontaneously express or keep to ourselves.

Where to Begin?

The celebrated personality and philanthropist Oprah Winfrey proclaimed on one particular occasion, I was once afraid of people saying, ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have courage to say, ‘This is who I am.’⁴

But who are we really? Madonna Louise Ciccone (the popular and iconic singer Madonna) in interview speaks to this issue in asserting, I am not reinventing myself. I am going through the layers and revealing myself. I am a journey, an adventure that’s constantly changing shape.⁵

Indeed, we all might take a moment to reflect on the poet Mary Sarton’s words. She writes,

Now I become myself.

It’s taken time, many years and places.

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people’s faces.

(May Sarton, Now I Become Myself, Collected Poems, 1930–1973)

Where do these words take you? For some, these words may be nothing more than a poet’s clever musings and demonstration of skill with language. But for others (including me, SS, and hopefully for you), the poet’s words will be precise and piercing (cf. Palmer 2000, 2–3).

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¹ See, for example, Berkowitz and Harmon-Jones (2004) and Trampe et al. (2015). Also, studies have estimated that mixed emotions are felt about 33 percent of the time (Trampe et al. 2015).

² Several researchers have found that underneath hard emotions such as feelings of anger, aggravation, and irritation which often involve conflicts around issues of power and control, we may find softer ones such as feelings of hurt, fear, sadness, loss, rejection, shame, embarrassment, and guilt which tend to be more related to the experience or expression of vulnerability. See, for example, Dimidjian, Martell & Christensen (2002), Jacobson & Christensen (1996), Sanford (2007), Germer (2009), and Berrios et al. (2015). In addition, Germer (2009) has found that in befriending and staying with our softer feelings (such as those involving sadness, guilt, rejection, and embarrassment) often leads to their diminishing on their own; whereas harder feelings (such as hatred and anger) require a more active process of letting go. (Germer, 2009)

³ In his book, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Christopher Germer (2009) suggests the use of formal mindfulness meditation as a means to facilitate the process of emotional clarity and acceptance even when there is emotional pain. As Germer points out, When we fight emotional pain, we get trapped in it (p. 2).

⁴ Cited by Sarah Ban Breathnach in Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self, p. 167.

⁵ https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/470314-i-was-once-afraid-of-people-saying-who-does-she/.

Chapter Two

The Psychic Symphony

In the art of music, as in life, motion toward the goal encounters obstacles…and involves great distances, detours, expansions, interpolations… Therein lies the source…from which the creative mind can derive content that is ever new.

—Heinrich Schenker, Free Composition, translated by Ernst Oster

Authentic self-expression is one of the most fundamental needs and joys of being human. Having the courage to express oneself authentically and creatively through work, play, in personal relationships, and throughout many other aspects of our lives allows us to live with passion, inspiration, and a sense of agency. At times this requires the achievement of a balance among the many voices in our head. It requires the willingness to endure the anxiety associated with risks of potential of rejection, criticism, embarrassment, and/or an accompanying sense of faultiness or personal