Dating Never Works... Until it Does: 100 Lessons from 1,000 Dates

By Zack Oates

Tired of mixed messages, confusing signals, and of playing the dating game? Dating expert Zack Oates has experienced it all in this comical guide that will keep you happy and laughing. Perfect for audiences in dating situations of all kinds, these encouraging steps will help you find your celestial mate.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cedar Fort Publishing & Media
• Release date: Feb 4, 2023
• ISBN: 9781462127078

Book preview

WHY YOU’RE SINGLE

You Don’t Stink at Dating, You’re Just a Good Person

Iwas talking to one of my friends about her dating life. She had been having a hard time.

And granted, she probably should have been.

After all, she really was a pretty bad dater.

Zack, she said almost in tears, I feel like there is a big neon sign on my head saying ‘I STINK.’ I don’t know how to play the dating game. Can you teach me?

As I was contemplating what I could say I had a realization that stung me to the core with honest introspection.

A lot of the things that make her really bad at dating … make her a really good spouse and parent.

She is genuine.

She puts time into her dates.

She throws her whole heart into any relationship.

She is committed.

She is generous.

She is kind.

A lot of the things that make someone good at dating … make for a really terrible spouse and parent.

They use manipulation.

They pretend to be too busy.

They hold back their emotions.

They keep options open.

They are selfishly physical.

They don’t care.

Okay, so take a step back, "What is the point of dating?"

Now there are the things that people do along the way, but the end game, the honeypot of dating is … ?

Marriage.

And a good one, at that.

Let’s stop playing the dating game. Let’s start playing for keeps. Let’s unlearn the dating game.

So what was my advice to her?

While she may not go on as many dates, may not be as good of a flirt, and may not appear to be as self-confident as others who are professionals at the dating game … she is much closer to marriage than any of them.

No, that I STINK sign certainly isn’t for her (and I hope it’s not for you either); it’s for all the people who passed her by.

So if you are a good person, don’t worry about being a bad dater.

Daters gunna date date date date date, just shake it off (please don’t sue me, TS).

As for you … well, I’m pretty sure you’re what marriage is for.

Don’t Fear Marriage—You Can Make It!

Right before I met my fiancée, I traveled … a lot.

My friends would tell me, Get that all out of your system now, because when you’re married …

Then they would trail off into an assumed negative statement of common knowledge about how marriage means that life isn’t fun or something.

Sure, it becomes more expensive and more difficult (especially with kids), but does excitement have to be drained out of a relationship because of family?

In pondering over that question, I realized one of my biggest fears about marriage is that life will become audaciously ordinary, banal—dull.

Of the couples I have observed, there are very few marriages that actually look enjoyable to me. (Now admittedly, the couples in those relationships may be perfectly content; it just doesn’t seem like it would work for me. Maybe you’ve felt the same way as you’ve looked at marriages.) I’d say less than five percent of marriages look like something I can stomach.

Not great odds. But determined to beat the odds, I analyzed the commonalities between the marriages I admired.

There were two factors I’ve noticed in those five percent of marriages:

1.    They have respect for each other. They are friends.

2.    They work for adventure. Not that they spend thousands of dollars traveling, but they share new experiences with each other.

These couples have regular dinners together. They have jars they fill with money for their travels. They go out on picnics on the weekend. They have date nights. They celebrate each other. They play sports with each other on sunny days. They give high fives. They hold hands. They write notes of encouragement. They cook pancakes at midnight with all their kids. They live a full life.

And while that may not seem like what most are looking for, it is the thing I’m looking for. A life without respect and adventure? While some call it reality, I call it my fear of marriage.

Now I understand that living cannot be all crescendo; there must be some dynamic contrast (Neal A Maxwell, Patience, BYU Speeches, November 27, 1979) and enjoyment in marriage is often difficult when kids are sick, a miscarriage occurs, a parent dies, and so on. But that is because marriage doesn’t make you happy or sad—it simply magnifies your personal happiness and sadness.

You don’t have to change your LinkedIn bio to Fat Naggy Boring Homebody when you put a ring on it.

So, regardless if you are single or dating, figure out the common factors of those marriages you most respect, write them down, and commit yourself to working on those aspects of life right now. This will help you overcome any fears you might have about the idea of marriage.

You Just Haven’t Met Them Yet (or Realized It)

I have a friend who was dating this guy for a couple of years. He was ready to pull the trigger, kill his single life, and propose; but my friend just couldn’t get herself there. She always felt like something within was holding her back and trapping her heart.

So she tried to get herself out of her own prison.

She went to therapy to improve but was discouraged.

She read books about how to be exclusive but had eyes for others.

She prayed to get over her fears, but the thought of marriage was still scary.

Nothing worked.

Then … she finally dumped him.

She fed him the line, It’s not you, it’s me garbage and she honestly believed