How To Get Divorced Without Really Trying (Ten Essential Keys to End Virtually Any Marriage)

By John Fisher

Are you ready for a Divorce? If so, you're not alone (but you're about to be). And whether it will be your first time, or you're a seasoned veteran, divorce is always better if you have a plan.
Now, for the first time ever in print, relationship coach John Fisher shares with you the Ten Essential Keys that can help to end virtually any marriage!
This is your lucky day. You are holding not just one, but TEN Essential Keys to your upcoming divorce. But even if they do not ALL occur organically in your marriage, don’t worry. John also shares some terrific workarounds so your plan has the best possible chance for success. Divorce affects millions of spouses and children around the world, and your family can be next!
With plenty of irreverent and politically incorrect humor, John uses stories from his own life to illustrate each Essential Key, and shows you how to incorporate them into your very own Customized Divorce Plan. Life is short, the sun is setting and you're not getting any younger, so let's get on with it!

• Language: English
• Publisher: John Fisher
• Release date: Jan 11, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463408995

John Fisher

John Fisher worked with dogs professionally for more than 20 years. He was a regular contributor to What Dog? and Pet Dog magazines and is the author of Think Dog and Dogwise: The Natural Way to Train Your Dog.

Book preview

How to Get Divorced Without Really Trying

Ten Essential Keys to End Virtually Any Marriage

A Memoir

By John Fisher

How To Get Divorced Without Really Trying Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2017 John Fisher. All Rights Reserved. Published in the USA by Fisher Media Group

This book is also available in paperback at most book retailers.

License Notes

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the express written consent of the author. This book is intended for your personal enjoyment only and may not be resold or copied and given away to others. If you want to give someone a copy, please purchase another copy, thus respecting the work of the author.

Front Cover Design: Fisher Media Group

Disclaimer #1

Warning: The opinions expressed in this book are solely the author’s attempt to share important, life-changing concepts with a little humor, and are not necessarily politically correct. As it is unlikely that he will ever run for political office, PC is moot for him. The author reserves his right to free speech. If you need politically correct, you may want to pick a different book. Also, although not many, there are a couple (only a couple) of references to God and the Bible in here. This book is not an attempt to force religion, or even God on you, so don’t worry. A wise person is open to truth, even if the source is God. But, if you are so rigid in your thinking that you are not open to at least read the book first and then make up your own mind, and you want to throw the baby out with the Bible so to speak, then find a different book.

Although this is a memoir of his personal life, the author will, within these hallowed pages, also be poking fun at pretty much everyone and everything. Humor is a coping mechanism. If you have thin skin and can’t take a joke, then you’ll probably be divorced soon anyway, so you don’t need this book. Put it down immediately and go do something dull, something for which no one will be offended or sue you. The rest of us will be busy here getting stuff done.

Further, your individual divorce results may vary. Since the author has no substantive proof that you are not a jackass, he cannot guarantee that you will actually get divorced after reading this book. For some reason, many jackasses actually stay married. Conversely, if you are not a jackass, but are married to one, you will likely have to initiate the divorce proceedings yourself, as for some reason, most jackasses actually want to stay married. Good luck.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1 Have the Right Heritage

Chapter 2 Get PTSD

Chapter 3 Participate in Sports

Chapter 4 Be Really Stupid, or Really Smart

Chapter 5 Avoid Relationship Training

Chapter 6 Put Yourself First

Chapter 7 Marry Outside Your Kind

Chapter 8 Meet and Marry Quickly

Chapter 9 Marry the Opposite Gender

Chapter 10 Change Your Stars

Chapter 11 Summary

Poem 1

Poem 2

Epilogue

Author’s Bio

Dedication

To my entire family tree, the good, the bad and the ugly, without whom I would not exist in human form. Their gifts of Heritage and Intelligence helped make my divorces possible.

To my parents (both divorced), who also gave me incredible tools for divorce, and to my wives, the ex (obviously divorced), and the current one (also divorced), and for the amazing study in contrast that they are. I’ve learned so much from these two women. The second, I love without ceasing for her goodness and patience, and for all that I have learned from her. The first, I love because she is the mother of my children, and because she is somewhere else.

To all the hundreds of couples and individuals I have had the honor of coaching during their times of marriage or divorce crisis. I learned so much from that amazing bunch of humans. Without this entire illustrious group, I would have had to write a different book.

To Kevin Costner (divorced) and his production team (some doubtless divorced), for making the inspiring film Field of Dreams, a film depiction of faith in action; a film that proves Hollywood actually can make films worth watching. Thanks Kev.

To Tony Robbins (divorced), and the late Jim Rohn (divorced), the dynamic duo, who got me started thinking differently than I was trained to think, and who helped me become a self-actualized divorced person.

Thanks to Alec Baldwin (divorced), for his kind generosity and encouragement so many years ago. You have made a bigger impact than you realize.

To the Warner family: Lloyd, Luanna, (not divorced) and kids, including sons Mike and Eric, one of the very few families I’ve ever known who modeled successful marriage and family life—in spite of being regular humans. Specifically, to Mike Warner, the best friend of my youth. You set the bar high Mike.

Also, to the tireless engineers at GM (some doubtless divorced), who design their vehicles to break. If my truck had not broken down on the side of the highway that fateful day in July, I would not have stopped driving long enough to start writing this long-needed book. I would still be driving. As it happened, I spent several weeks in a hotel making huge progress on this book. And thanks to Charlie Jackson (divorced), my Good Samaritan that day. God bless you Charlie.

Lastly, to you the reader. I have thought about you often, and for a long time. I hope you enjoy this. I think you and I have a lot in common. I wrote it with you in mind.

Thank you all.

John Fisher 2017

Introduction

Just Right

It’s tough to know exactly when to write a memoir. If you write it too soon in life, there may not be enough interesting things in it to make it worth the read. And anything you do after that won’t be in the book. Wait too long, and either someone else has to write it for you, in which case it would likely lose some impact, or it never gets written, the stories are lost forever, and that would not be good at all. The fabric of humanity is better off if all the stories are told. Whether happy, sad, good or bad, or a combination thereof, the world needs all the stories. They hold the lessons that we may not have time to experience on our own. Life is short, we can’t personally have every single human experience. That’s what books are for. They connect us with ourselves and with each other. As my cousin C. S. Lewis said, We read to know we’re not alone.

For those looking to be as efficient as possible, and to write only one memoir, it’s best to follow the Goldilocks principle, and get it just right. I’ve been feeling the nudge for quite some time to write this one. As mentioned, had I not been stuck in a hotel room for weeks on end and compelled to write a huge portion of it at one time, it might have been too late for me. In fact, I think I’m feeling an aneurysm coming on any time now. Like my friend Jim said, things don’t just happen, they happen just right.

I’ve been through a lot of crap in my life (a good portion of which I brought on myself), and because of my personality, I’ve tried to make sense of what has happened, and whenever possible, assign some higher meaning to the experiences. I look for lessons learned, and to figure out which parts of the experiences are worth sharing with others, especially from the tough times—after all, the bad spots are where the best lessons are, if we’re willing to accept them. This book represents my effort to share some of those lessons with you. This is not a comprehensive version of my life, rather I have included only enough personal stories to make my points on the subject, and to invite you to look bravely at your own situation. I am a pretty private person and am rarely interested in sharing my personal life with the general public, as I don’t really need that kind of attention. But there is method to my madness, and so I am willing to share these stories because I am convinced that if you stay with me through this book, and you engage in this journey I’m inviting you to take, your life will be the better for it, whether you get divorced or not. So, my mess becomes my message that can help you learn to help yourself.

I spent some time recently at the Field of Dreams baseball diamond in Iowa. As the sun began to set behind the cornfields that evening, it was really fun to be there with my sweetheart, and to run the bases, to think about the message of the film, that if we build (or write) something, healing and miracles can happen, both for one’s own family, and for others. That film has inspired me for decades, even throughout much of the troubled times described in these pages. In case you haven’t seen the film, I recommend it highly.

So, as the sun begins to descend toward the horizon on my own earthly journey, and before it’s too late, here’s my offering to the fabric of humanity, with the hope of healing and miracles for myself and my family, and for you and yours, even if you do get the divorce you say you want. I hope you enjoy the book. And I hope it inspires you to write your story. I would love to read it. Besides, isn’t it about time you took some action now and made a change, one way or the other? Don’t worry, I’m not here to judge you, I'm just a fellow traveler on the road of divorce, and, unlike the government, I really am here to help.

What Do You Want?

If you want your marriage to end in divorce, this is your lucky day. What I’ve collected here and will attempt to explain for the first time in recorded history, are the Ten Essential Keys to ensure that you get what you want. When you are finished here, you’ll have all the excuses reasons you need to get divorced. As mentioned, included are illustrative examples from my own life and the lives of others, of each Key in action.

In a perfect world, you would of course, have all Ten Essential Keys yourself. Life is seldom perfect, sadly, and there’s at least a reasonable chance that you are not blessed with all ten. However, if that is your lot, fear not. There is good news for you, and here it is: These Ten Essential Keys are so powerful, so amazing, so far reaching that any single Key, when taken in the proper context, even by itself, has the power to rock a marriage to the core, and has a pretty fair chance to end the marriage all by itself. And, while any single Key is powerful alone, I’m not going to lie. Your chances of achieving the coveted condition of divorce improve dramatically when you have two or more of the Essential Keys in play. Having all ten would be even better. I should know. I guarantee that YOU have at least one or two of these, but if you don’t have all ten, take heart, there are some workarounds I will share with you, so that whether they occur naturally for you or not, you can get as many of these Essential Keys as possible working for you and your divorce.

Finally, if you are among we chosen few who do have all ten, well then, congratulations. Your divorce is virtually guaranteed. You’re welcome. Still, you may want to read on anyway. If you do, I know you will enjoy seeing how intricately each Key is woven into the fabric of your own story (and mine); and how, when all ten are in play, the results are a veritable symphony of divorce.

Let the music begin.

Where are You Today?

We’ve all seen the stats about marriage and divorce. The baseline starts out at fifty-fifty, meaning a first marriage for both partners only has one chance in two of ending in divorce. Too bad. If you’re on your second marriage, lucky you. Your chances of divorce increase to sixty-seven percent; and if on your third, your chances improve to over seventy percent. If you’ve been married more than three times, you probably don’t need this book (although you might still find joyful, or at least find a little humorous vindication herein), because you likely have several of the Essential Keys already in place and well-practiced. So be patient. Another divorce is just a matter of time for you. Reading this book will give you something to do while you wait for the paperwork.

If you are just getting started in your first marriage, keep this book for later, because after the honeymoon phase is over, and it will end, you’re going to be glad you kept it. These amazing Keys are, unfortunately, virtually impossible to understand and properly apply when studied through rose colored glasses. If you are still wearing yours, I don’t expect you to understand this book, or to believe anything I’m telling you, but someday you will. I promise. Just keep the book in an unmarked bag or box in your closet or basement somewhere. If an e-book, just leave it in a folder marked for after the honeymoon. You’ll thank me later. I don’t really have anything else to say to you now. You’re not listening anyway.

If you are lucky enough to find this book as a never-married young person, or better yet, as a child, rejoice! You are doubly blessed, because some of the Keys are best undertaken at a young and tender age (ideally even before birth), so their effects can become as deeply entrenched as early as possible into your life, DNA and psyche, before you are even thinking about your future nuptials, much less your divorce(s). If you are one of the chosen ones fortunate enough to get an early start on all Ten Keys, Hallelujah! This will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship between you, your family and divorce, likely spanning multiple generations, and affecting hundreds of your progeny in decades to come. I don’t want to give too much away right here, but I will say that I am one of you. Yep, I started early too, so if you are young, I have a special place in my heart for you. I will be paying special attention to you and will have some helpful tips and treats for you throughout these amazing pages. Stay with me, I’m glad you’re here!

But I Don’t Want a Divorce

If, perchance, you are one of those few, the unnamed, who wants to stay married and avoid divorce, well, I guess you can stay and read too. While this book is not necessarily written with you in mind, I must acknowledge that there is at least an outside chance that studying and understanding these Ten Essential Keys of divorce might empower you to save your marriage. They say that knowledge is power, so it stands to reason that if you or your spouse are dealing with any or all of the Ten Essential Keys, it would behoove you to understand them as well as you can. Even at its best, marriage is tough, so keeping a marriage together is an uphill journey to say the least—and even more so when the metaphorical excrement hits the fan of life. I’m not going to beat around the bush: Unless you and your spouse have had lobotomies, your chances of staying married are lousy. If you think otherwise, you’re either still naïve, you live in a bubble or you’re still wearing the aforementioned rose-colored specs. Nevertheless, I do have to admire your optimistic spunk. I used to feel the way you do, back when I had more hair and more teeth. I said you can stay and read, but there is a caveat: If you know someone who does want to get divorced, you must loan them your copy of this book immediately and let them read it first. You will have to wait. After all, you’re married. By now, you should be used to waiting.

Why Yet Another Relationship Book?

In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m not a licensed divorce counselor. Consequently, reading this book will not guarantee your divorce or your marriage, but is for informational purposes only. What actually happens in your relationship is between you and your spouse. Further, you may be the greatest thing since indoor plumbing, but if your spouse has a mind made up for divorce, there isn’t much you can do about it. Not everyone who is divorced wanted to be, myself included.

Actually, you may be happily married. Hey, it could happen. Further, while not likely, it’s also within the realm of the possible that your spouse is also happily married. That really would be something if you were both happy. If you choose to read this book anyway, you will doubtless discover just how miraculous your happy marriage is. Go you.

Like it or not, for good or ill, the marriage relationship is one of the most impactful things that exist in the lives of human beings, so it seems a subject worth studying. I’ve read dozens of books about marriage, divorce and relationships. Some of them are outstanding. So, why does the world need yet another relationship book? Well, I have never found a book that identifies these Ten Essential Keys to divorce, and how easy it is to get divorced with one or more of these Keys in place. This book will shed new light on mankind’s only true and final frontier: How to get divorced with very little effort. Further, to help explain each Essential Key, as mentioned, I have infused some personal examples from my own life and the lives of others I know or know about. These stories have also never been put into print. So that makes two reasons to write this book. My friend Jim says I only need one reason to do anything, so I’m double covered.

I’ve attended university classes on how to strengthen marriage. I’ve attended lots of marriage counseling, lectures and divorce training. While some was complete crap and a waste of time, some of it was actually pretty good, though without any focus on these Ten Essential Keys, still lacking. Divorce training, you say? Yes, in some states, including the one I lived in for my divorces, one must attend a training class before being granted a divorce in the courts. That makes a lot of sense when you think about it. People should be trained on, among other things, what to do with all that money they will save once they get divorced.

I’ve been to marriage crisis retreats and workshops lasting from three days to three weeks. I even worked at a marriage crisis intervention store as their Director of Client Services, where I worked with hundreds of folks in either divorce or marriage crisis, helping them make sense of difficult situations, and figure out what to do next. Can you picture that? A twice-divorced guy helping couples in crisis, some of whom were trying to stay married? Well, I enjoyed it, and received lots of positive feedback from clients—even the ones who stayed together. I guess speaking in a no-nonsense way, and from personal experience is helpful to others in trouble. I hope you feel the same way after reading this book.

While looking for marriage enlightenment personally, I read even more books, got even deeper into religion, started doing meditation, yoga, sun-gazing and other ancient rituals. I wrote songs, children’s books and poetry for catharsis. I got into photography, I walked in the woods, in the mountains and on the beach. I listened to subliminal music CDs. I became a workaholic, I even took anti-depressants for years, changed careers (more than once), had another baby (or two), moved several times, and bought new furniture and a boob job (the boobs were not for me, but for the ex, at her repeated request), attended marriage counseling and gave up on my personal dreams, all in the name of keeping two marriages together. And all to no avail.

As of this writing, I am on my third marriage, and second wife (I’ll explain that later), which means I’ve been through two divorces of my own (I did not try to get divorced either time), and if something doesn’t change soon, I’m looking at number three. What’s more, I’m still a fairly young man, so I’ve got time for even more divorces down the road.

I’ve also been intimately aware of, or a party to dozens of divorces, including some eight divorces of my parents alone. Yes, eight. My father only got one divorce, so you can deduce who got the other seven. I also have many friends, family members and coworkers who are divorced, and I have dated more than a few divorced souls. This experience of so much exposure to divorces and its fallout makes excellent research material and experience for a book about divorce. In fact, there are over a hundred million divorced people in this country alone, and a lot of them want to talk about it, so there is plenty of access to stories and lessons from the Land of Divorce. And, as alluded to earlier, I am one of the rare, chosen few who, besides being twice divorced, also has all Ten Essential Keys for Divorce in myself and my marriages. Clearly, writing a book about these Essential Keys should fall to one of us who has all Ten Keys in place, and so far, none of the other lucky bastards has ponied up. So, I guess the task falls to me.

In sum, I am experienced, qualified, able, willing and available. Besides that, there is nothing worth watching on TV at this hotel. It boils down to this: I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the Ten Essential Keys for divorce. And I’m about to prove it. So, listen up.

Chapter 1

Essential Key #1 Have the Right Heritage

Having the right heritage is Key Number One. Ok, Ok, I can hear some critics already, We have no control over our heritage! That is true. Life is not fair. Get over it. I never said you have complete control over all Ten Essential Keys. That’s why we’re starting with Heritage. This is one Key you have little to no control over, so we need to get it out of the way first. If you are lucky enough to have this one in your stable, be grateful. If not, don’t worry, there are some things you can do to overcome the lack of having the right Heritage for divorce, and I can help you. After all, that’s why I wrote this book. But first, let’s get some clarity on what the right Heritage is that will help ensure divorce. This is a broad topic that includes several subjects, but worth looking into closely. Your Heritage is that well of life from which you sprang—your people, your ethnicity, your nationality, your race. It’s more than that, but let’s start there.

If you are lucky enough to descend from slaves, you have the right Heritage for divorce. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is, as color is not the issue. Throughout the ages, slaves have come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Historically, most slaves have been white, but any color will do when it comes to the Heritage of slavery. The fact is, the Heritage of slavery is not in your skin color, it’s in your DNA, and it’s also in your mindset. If you are to have any hope of getting divorced, it is very helpful if you come to earth with the DNA and mindset of one who has been oppressed, put upon, treated unfairly, whipped, beaten, only kept around for what you can produce, and made to eat liver, pig’s feet, collard greens or okra.

This type of Heritage is perfect for ending a marriage, because, no matter what your marriage is really like, with the Heritage of slavery, you will likely perceive that your marriage is yet another arrangement where you are oppressed, put upon, treated unfairly, whipped, beaten, only kept around for what you can produce and made to eat things unspeakable just to survive. See, if you are going to succeed in ending your marriage, reality is not nearly as important as perception. You might actually have a pretty good marriage compared to that of many others, but if you perceive it to be untenable, unfair, oppressive or even abusive, then you, my friend, are on the happy road to divorce. So, you have to ask yourself, do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?

Perception is so critical to getting divorced, that anything strong enough to influence perception negatively, such as your DNA and mindset, is very helpful, even, and especially if they influence your perception unconsciously. That is the beauty of having the right Heritage—because Heritage has incredible influence over the very way you think, speak, act and respond, even without your being aware of its influence. I’m not making this up. There is plenty of research that proves that Heritage plays a key role in how you respond to threats, danger, intimidation and the like. If you want to know more about the idea, read a couple of Malcom Gladwell’s books, David and Goliath, and Outliers. I love Malcom’s books. He is a gifted writer. By the way, he has the Heritage of Slavery, and he’s proud of it. Go Malcom. The Heritage of slavery is a great one for divorce, perhaps one of the best, but there are other great ones too, as you are about to see.

For example,