Walking the Path of Grief

By Lori McMillan West

It’s a topic no one wants to talk about, but everyone will eventually face – death. We may avoid discussion, pretending that if we don’t talk about it, it will never happen. Loved ones are often left to grieve a death without the skills and abilities to effectively navigate grief. Lori McMillan West lost her husband when she was a young mom with four children. Uncertain how to handle grief, she sought information, solace, and comfort in books written about grief, only to find that published materials about the subject often approached it from a clinical perspective. This book approaches grief from an intimate view. Lori’s gift of writing and her ability to relate her experience offers the reader valuable insights and information designed to assist the reader in their healing. Along with her personal experiences, topics that are covered in this book are the emotional, physical, social, financial, and spiritual impacts felt with the loss of a loved one.

In a collection of personal stories, photographs, wisdom, and step-by-step guidance, Lori McMillan West shares candid dialogue of her unique experience with grief after the loss of her husband, Joseph, and what she has learned in the process. While reminding others that grief is often messy, difficult, and incredibly overwhelming at times, she details their relationship and the incidents surrounding his diagnosis and death, and then shares insight into her challenges, obstacles, feelings, and interactions with others following Joe’s death as she courageously sought a way to heal and move forward.

Walking the Path of Grief shares personal stories, advice, and guidance that offers a glimpse into a widow’s experiences as she mourned the unexpected death of her husband.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Jan 4, 2023
• ISBN: 9781665733427

Lori McMillan West

Lori West is a best selling author and Nobel Peace Prize recipient…. in her dreams! Lori is much like other women her age, except that years ago, she lost her husband to death as a young wife. Following years of struggle and healing, she wrote this book to guide others who face the challenge of losing someone they love.

Book preview

WALKING

THE PATH OF

GRIEF

LORI MCMILLAN WEST

68981.png

Copyright © 2023 Lori McMillan West.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Archway Publishing

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.archwaypublishing.com

844-669-3957

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Interior Image Credit: Nikki West (cover photography)

Chelsea Jane Watts (sketch)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-3343-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-3341-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-3342-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022920958

Archway Publishing rev. date: 01/04/2023

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1: What Is Your Motivation?

Chapter 2: The Kind of Person

Chapter 3: Call 911!

Chapter 4: Diagnosis

Chapter 5: Pressing On

Chapter 6: New Territory

Chapter 7: Not a Happy Birthday

Chapter 8: An Errand I Won’t Forget

Chapter 9: Letting Him Go

Chapter 10: Unwelcome Change

Chapter 11: Emotional Impact

Being Strong

Disbelief

Emotional Fatigue

Extra Steps

Frustration and New Responsibilities

Children Stepping Up

Experiencing Your Children’s Grief

Hope (Staying Connected and Involved)

My Own Kind of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Preparations for Joe’s Funeral

1: His Body

2: Organ Donation

3: Headstone

4: Grave Site

Regrets

Tears

Watching Over You

Chapter 12: Physical Impact

Clothing and Appearance

Gray Hair from Stress?

Sleep

Weight Change

Chapter 13: Social Impact

Anticipating Your Needs

Community Support

Couple Friends

Dating

Family Support

Good Intentions

How Do I Celebrate My Daughter’s Birthday?

Investigation

Making Decisions

Others’ Reactions

Possible Remarriage

Chapter 14: Financial Impact

Bills, Bills, Bills

Financial Impact on Other Life Aspects

Social Security and Death Benefits

Taxes

Chapter 15: Spiritual Impact

Church Services

Influence of Spouse’s Faith

Subtle Changes

Chapter 16: Terminal Death Diagnosis

Information: End of Life

Funeral Program

Contacts and Notifications

Unresolved Matters

Honoring Promises to Family

Letters or Recordings

Legal Ownership

Insurance

Medical

Mortgage

Life

New Employment

Finances

Technology

Documents

Death Certificates

Taxes

Accepting Help

Business

Belongings

Self-Care

Sleep

Allow Your Grief

Diet

Chapter 17: Now What?

A Time of Darkness, a Life of Light by Denise Haggard

This book is dedicated to Joe. His love for me and his children is everlasting. This book is dedicated to my children, who have taken the difficult journey of this life with me and have always blessed me and encouraged me. This book is also dedicated to Mark, who has supported me in the writing of this book and in all that I do.

I would also like to acknowledge my dear friend, Susan Lee, who is one of my very best friends, and who knows my heart better than anyone. She encouraged me to finish this book, and I may not have had the courage or belief in myself to do so. I also express my gratitude to my mom, who has been a constant in my life. A big thanks to Chris Larsen, who offered suggestions, and to many in my book club who read the book, suggested additions, and championed my efforts, especially Marinda and Shawna. Thanks to Zachary, Alex, Madeline, and Cecily for standing in as my children in the photograph. Thanks to my daughter, Nikki West, for her beautiful photography, and to my sister, Denise Haggard, for her touching poetry.

image1.jpg

Our family (tired and covered with dirt from the cave) on our last family trip to Oregon before Joseph’s death.

INTRODUCTION

It’s a topic no one wants to talk about, but everyone will inevitably face: death. We avoid any discussion as if pretending that it if we don’t talk about it, it will just go away. It won’t. It’s not comfortable to address the topic, whether you are the individual affected by the loss or you are someone who wishes to comfort an individual who has experienced loss.

If you are the one who has lost a close loved one, how do you find the time or motivation to read a book, even if it could be beneficial, after your loved one has passed away? How do you find strength, motivation, and meaning in life to move forward when your world comes crashing down?

Life is not short of difficulty. Reflect for a moment on some of the challenges that you have faced in life. Some difficulties might be considered nuisances, such as getting into a fender bender. Some have more lasting effects on us, such as experiences from childhood. Every challenge and trial in life offers an opportunity for us to grow, if we choose to accept that opportunity. The death of a spouse or a very close family member is the type of challenge and loss you cannot describe because words fail to convey the impact. It turns your world upside down and changes everything.

1

WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION?

P eople would describe me as a lighthearted, positive, kind, and spiritual person. Based on a few of my former occupations as director of finance and operations and practice manager for two surgeons, one may never have guessed that I have a spontaneous, fun, and goofy side. I love to shop for groceries in Heelys, write and direct plays, dress up in costumes on holidays, and go singing to people who are feeling lonely or down or just need to smile. Since I don’t have the greatest singing voice, I am sure it is all the more entertaining when I sing to them, and it always puts a smile on people’s faces. My home is typically a gathering place for family gatherings, baby showers, and for people who just drop by to talk. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What is my motivation in writing this book? I can only say I felt compelled to write it. My greatest desire is that my experiences will help even one person who has experienced death or loss. If that person is you, I want you to know you are not alone; your struggles are understood and real.

The death of a close loved one is felt on so many levels; I will parallel it with something each of us have experienced, something we can relate to. The impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has been felt globally. We have each been impacted in various ways. Initially, the idea that the impact of a virus could be very profound seemed far-fetched, but as we witnessed and felt the events unfold in the months following our introduction to the virus, it felt like scenes from a terrible movie. The global toll it took has been comprehensive, including physical, financial, emotional, spiritual, and social impacts. We all became targets of change. Some of the physical impacts have been felt by those contracting the virus or battling it as a medical professional or aid worker with exhausting hours and little relief. For some, the physical impact has been dormancy at home, becoming lethargic as hours are passed in screen time. Financial impacts have been painful worldwide as businesses have cut back, reduced wages, eliminated positions, or closed their doors altogether. Shortages at the store have caused price increases. People have been impacted emotionally by the added responsibility of being a teacher as school closures sent children to learn at home full-time, or by strained family relationships from being in constant close proximity. Some have suffered with separation from friends, loved ones, and extended family. Spiritually, many have questioned their faith, asking questions like, How can a loving God allow something like this to happen? People who regularly attend church and enjoy the spiritual messages and