The First Year: One Mother's Journey After the Loss of Her Son

By Maria R. Coady

On December 6, 2014, Maria Coadys only son, Thomas, died unexpectedly after a tragic motorcycle accident left him with irreversible brain injuries. The passenger on his bike also died of similar injuries. He was 22 years old and a promising pre-medicine Biology major at the university where Maria worked as a professor. Thomas was her closest ally, voice of reason, and teacher of life. Most days, Maria found it impossible to believe that Thomas was gone. Her life became divided into two parts: before Thomas died and after Thomas died.

As she struggled through shock, anguish, heartbreak, and deep despair, Maria tried to make sense of her world. She wondered how other parents dealt with their grief and how life could go on without her son in it.

This is Marias unique story. It is about what she experienced the first year after the loss of her son, and the ways that she tried to cope, and the strategies she used to survive.

This is a story that offers affirmation and hope to parents who have faced a similar loss, and insight to those who seek to understand the loss of a child.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 24, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504355452

Maria R. Coady

Maria R. Coady is Irving and Rose Fien Endowed Professor and Associate Professor of ESOL/Bilingual Education at the University of Florida, USA. Her research specialises in English Language Learners and multilingual students, especially those in rural settings. Her most recent publication is Connecting School and the Multilingual Home (Multilingual Matters, 2019).

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Copyright © 2016 Maria Coady.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Cover Art by Lorenka Campos

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5544-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5546-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5545-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016906174

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/20/2016

Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Introduction

December

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Bibliography of Books Read and Referred to by the Author

Dedication

For Thomas

and all those who love him

Acknowledgements

No journey is walked truly alone. Many people have supported, encouraged, assisted, read, cried, and lifted me up throughout the course of writing this book. I am most grateful to my family, including my husband Tom; my daughter Rae; my parents Carol and Bill; my siblings Lisa, Mike, and Scott, and their spouses and children; my stepchildren Austin and Emily; and my one-hundred-year-old Nana. Several friends continued to listen and find ways to soothe my soul, especially Elizabeth, Eileen, and Karen. Much love to my son’s second family, Becker and John, Elliott, and Mike. Thank you to Anne Lawrence for editorial support. Lorenka Campos shared not only her friendship and her own story of loss but also her magnificent artwork, which graces the cover of this book.

Foreword

This is a book about a mother’s grief related to the sudden loss of her young, adult child. As I read The First Year: One Mother’s Journey After the Loss of Her Son for the first time, I experienced deep compassion for Maria Coady, the bereaved mother of a son who was instantly killed—along with his passenger—in a motorcycle accident, despite wearing protective riding gear. Tears came to my eyes many times as I read her story. It is difficult to fully capture the relationship that grows between a mother and her child—the years of nurturing him, guiding his development, ensuring that he is safe, healthy, and happy. There are the thousands of conversations about his life, his future, his contributions to society. Indeed, parents invest their time, compassion, resources, and love in their child in immeasurable ways. The unexpected, traumatic death, then, of a healthy young man is surely among the most devastating experiences a mother can face. It is virtually unbearable.

As a clinical psychologist for the last 30 years, I have helped many people who have experienced different kinds of losses. I knew from experience how one’s heart actually aches when experiencing grief. Grief effects both mind and body. In the preliminary phases of grief, the person experiencing it is usually unable to focus upon anything other than intense pain in her or his heart. Attention is narrowed and drawn only to thoughts of their loved one who is no longer present and never will be again.

There are many kinds of losses that can cause grief, and they may occur in different ways. Major losses may be experienced from divorce, death of a spouse, break-ups, death of a beloved pet, loss of a job, loss of a baby by miscarriage, or loss of a body part, to name a few. Some of the losses that I myself have experienced include the grief of losing my mother, my father, and a beloved husband. The suffering and grief related to loss is part of everyone’s life. It is inevitable, but the loss of a child is beyond what we expect in the course of one’s life.

The grief and pain associated with significant loss will also be experienced to different degrees by different people. The depth of pain and duration of it, associated with grief, may be different for each individual. These are dependent upon the individual’s past experiences and personal makeup, as well as the type of loss. A significant factor that heightens these experiences of grief is whether the loss was sudden or unexpected. Maria’s loss was sudden and unexpected.

One of the most traumatic and painful losses is the unexpected or sudden death of a beloved child. This type of loss may actually create an existential crisis for a parent. An existential crisis involves the deep questioning and unsettled state about one’s very being in the world. One’s relationship to everything and everyone around her is brought into question, and Maria describes how this occurred over the course of her first year. Parents who lose a child often experience a loss of meaning and a feeling of deep disconnection from people close to them. Feelings of despair and dread of existence are prevalent. Parents may wonder about the meaning of their own life as well as the life of the deceased child. They may also become preoccupied with fear of death and concern about what will remain of them and the deceased after they are gone.

This type of crisis occurs because parents expect their child to outlive them. It is expected that part of them will go into the future through their child. Their DNA will continue on through their grandchildren. Parents look forward to having a relationship with their child for the rest of their lives. This is how life is supposed to be. A sudden unexpected loss of their child through death shatters their security and belief system and expectations of life.

The suddenness of a child’s death eliminates the possibility of parents having any time to process the possibility of this type of loss. Processing time could have added precious hours, days, months, or years to their path to acceptance of their loss. This added time allows more gradual acceptance of the inevitability of their child’s death. Processing time can dilute, to some degree, the shock and trauma of their catastrophe.

Parents experiencing the sudden death of their adult child no longer have familiar anchors to their place in the world and may become extremely traumatized. This trauma may become so great that they qualify for a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is the disorder experienced by many war veterans. Maria’s experience—sudden traumatic bereavement—qualifies as this type of loss.

Scholars and clinicians describe six stages of dealing with loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Finding Meaning. Importantly, these stages may be experienced in any order or not at all, but most essential is that everyone grieves in their own, individual way. Readers might recognize some of these emotions in the pages of this book; however, there may be no clear stages or process that parents who lose a child undergo. The six stages are intended to be a framework to help understand the process of loss and grief but are in no way a definitive process for everyone.

Denial is not a literal denial that death has occurred. It is a feeling of unreality that the death has occurred. Initially, sudden death is too much for the psyche to bear. A parent is not yet able to deal with the fact that the death has actually happened and that they will never see their loved one alive again. Denial is usually the first stage experienced by an unexpected death.

Anger could be focused on any one, even their own deceased child for not preventing their death. It does not have to be logical. Some people are angry at God for allowing their child to die. Parents can be angry at anyone related to their catastrophe. Examples are first responders, doctors, law enforcement, etc. Parent survivors may be angry at themselves for not doing something differently that they believe might have prevented the death. It has no limits and surfaces when parents realize they will probably survive whatever they must, to deal with their loss. Anger is strength and can be used as an energy to give meaning to the loss.

Bargaining happens before a loss. If a loved one is dying, a parent might say to themselves or pray to God, If you let my child live, I will always be a better person. It is necessary to have guilt in order to have something to bargain with. Bargaining helps the mind progress to another stage. It allows us to believe that we have some control over the death process.

Depression can occur as a parent moves closer into the reality of the loss of their child. It is not a mental disorder, but is an appropriate and normal response to their great loss. It produces real pain and sadness. Life may feel pointless, everything may take great effort. Absence of depression would be unusual and could be unhealthy. It is a necessary step along the path to healing. It may feel like it will last forever, but it doesn’t.

Acceptance is about accepting the reality that your child is gone. It does not mean that you are alright with it. It is recognizing that the new reality without your child is permanent, even though it will never be okay. It involves living in a world where your child is no more. As we learn how to cope, we understand both ourselves and our loved ones better than ever before. We build a different relationship with the child we have lost and begin to reintegrate into the here and now in the world.

Finding Meaning in the loss is the discovery and the acceptance that positive events have occurred as a result of your loss is important. This concept may, at first, seem ridiculous. It is true that even the most traumatic event has some positive meaning. It is important to find that meaning. Maria may save countless lives by her tireless campaigns and the movie she made related to scooter and motorcycle safety.

The prevalence of parental bereavement is high; approximately 50,000 children and youth under the age of 24 die each year in the United States. Maria’s book, The First Year, shares her personal experiences and provides a resource for both bereaved parents and those who counsel them. As parents read this book they may feel relief to know that they are not alone. Those who counsel bereaved parents will better understand what their clients may be actually experiencing and thinking. Maria’s next book, The Second Year, will share her continued progress along a path toward healing and search for meaning and peace.

The reality is that, after a major loss, you will grieve forever. You never get over the loss of a loved one. It is true that you will never be the same, and your world will never be the same. But you will rebuild yourself around the loss. The grief process is a time of reflection, pain, despair and tears. This is followed slowly by hope, readjustment, reinvolvement, and healing. Thank you, Maria, for allowing us join you and learn from you on your journey.

- Nancy E. Perry, Ph.D.

Introduction

On December 6, 2014 at 00:53 am, my son, Thomas, died from traumatic brain injuries as a result of a motorcycle—motor vehicle crash. He was twenty-two years old, a pre-medicine student at the same university I worked at, and the kind of young man that made everyone feel as if he were their best friend. His hair was soft and silky black, and he used to flip it to the right across his broad forehead. His nose was commanding, his hands gentle, and his wit unmatchable. He was smart, sensitive, and he was a careful driver. My only son, he wasn’t perfect, just perfect to me. He was my voice of reason, my closest ally, and my teacher of life. Sometimes I cannot even think about him because it hurts too much.

The loss of a child is undoubtedly the worst thing that a parent could face. Unlike the handbooks and stories that new parents can buy describing and advising of baby’s first year, preparing them for sleepless nights, abdominal gas, and dirty diapers, there is no handbook for the first year of the loss of a child. There’s no preparation and no advice because it’s not supposed to happen. But it does—often unexpected, unannounced, and certainly unwelcomed. I’d give this loss away in a heartbeat, I’d turn back the dials of the clock in a nanosecond, I’d do anything for my son to be sitting right here next to me, encouraging me to focus on what is right and to advocate for all those in need—just as he did with me for more than a decade. But he’s not here, not physically, and for