Fractured Moments

By Bard Schachtel

Apology and forgiveness can become internal icebergs which have developed into psychological structures that appear on our internal ocean floor. How and what we feel - think - and do - the apology and forgiveness dynamic is not always interpreted the way we see it or even feel about it.

A major challenge is to listen and unders

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bard Schachtel
• Release date: Nov 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9781088062104

Book preview

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Fractured Moments

Bard Schachtel, Ph.D.

Bard Schachtel books

Contents

Let Us Take a Look

Apology/Forgiveness Awareness Questionnaire

Where Do We Start?

Filters

Trust and Relationships

Pop-Ups

Is It Time?

Action or No Action

Combinations and Connections of Apology and Forgiveness Settings

Four Areas

Length and Width of an Apology/Forgiveness Transaction

Tempo Tampering

What Will It Take to Get a Resolution?

The Length and Width of an Apology/Forgiveness Transaction, Part 2

Back to the Main Menu

Life After a Search

Process and Content: Techniques for an Apology and Forgiveness Discussion/Dialogue

Emotions within Music

Apologies

Comparisons

Developing an Apology/Forgiveness Energy Center

What’s Next?

Apology and Forgiveness in Religion

Apology and Forgiveness Residue

Apology and Forgiveness Absorption

Random Forgiveness Questions

What Am I Looking At?

Options on Moving Forward: Summing Up

Thank you to my wife, Dinah and our grandson, Adyn.

Apology and forgiveness can be or can become internal icebergs which have developed into psychological structures that appear on our internal ocean floor. Following us, one might believe that these structures are with us throughout our journey and experience. Each represents material (dialogue in our relationships and goals) that has brought us to wherever we find ourselves now and perhaps in the future. Some are permanent and others able to be worked on by our experiences and desire for change. There really is not a rest from this kind of exploration. There is usually a constant collection of words and expressions. How and what we feel – think – and do – the apology and forgiveness dynamic is not always interpreted the way we see it or even feel about it.

A major challenge in all of this is to listen and understand the words of the apology and forgiveness spectrum from the other side. Coming to an agreement at this juncture in attempting to understand where each group is holding and waiting for some resolution is an important listening passage for both groups. A genuine desire to open another opportunity to explore some new options may prove to be a major piece of the apology/forgiveness puzzle. A detailed summary agreeable to both parties is not always possible but may prove to be helpful to attain some clarity as this journey continues.

Essentially most of our lives – actions and thoughts – motivations – our dreams – our loves – our relationships – circulate around, under, through, and over our successes and failures with how we begin our apology and forgiveness travels.

Let Us Take a Look

Are these five words Let Us Take a Look initially disarming/intruding/are they pushing us to get into the defensive mode? If, however, we are prepared before delving into the different facets of an apology/forgiveness dilemma, perhaps to set our vision in the direction of these emotional and cognitive questions – tension clouds our mind (let us take a look).

Apology/Forgiveness Awareness Questionnaire

This Apology/Forgiveness Questionnaire can be used at the beginning, in the middle (after page 98), and after reading this work. You can then compare your responses from each time you take the questionnaire.

A. The essential grievance includes How did it originate?

1.

2.

3.

4.

B. How long has it been going on?

1. Fresh

2. Recent

3. Weeks

4. Months

5. Years

6. Other

C. The Original Cause of the Problem

1. Subjectively, according to whom?

2. When did it start?

3. Who is involved? What part did they play?

4. Objectively, according to whom?

D. How important is it to attempt a solution?

1. Not that important

2. Somewhat important

3. Important to get behind me for my future

4. Critical – free me up to do other things in my life

E. Best Way to Proceed

1. Is the information that has been gathered complete?

2. Is the information that has been gathered accurate?

3. Face to face

4. Texting

5. Email

6. Phone call

7. Personal Letter

8. Therapist

F. Who is involved apart from yourself

1. One other

2. Two or more – be specific

G. People involved – living or not?

Where Do We Start?

On a tranquil night, feelings of serenity and peace come to mind. Beams from a lighthouse glide across the water, highlighting segments of the surf. On a stormy night, when the water is restless, thoughts of apology and forgiveness rise and reshuffle over the choppy surface beneath and beyond the light.

Connected and unconnected fragments of apology and forgiveness take up space in and out of our lives. Certain behavioral forces within our psyche have an often profound influence on us, with tentacles reaching back into the past. The influence and relevance of these forces may reveal surprises, even shocks, along the way, some positive, some negative. So, imagine you are embarking on an apology/forgiveness journey. It may be short or lengthy. Any part or segment might become an important milestone. Being honest with ourselves and having a willingness to explore and tackle the unexpected is a plus.

To identify and explain elements that have separated you and other(s), try focusing on recurring thoughts and conflicts that appear at sometimes inconvenient moments. These internal issues and how their imprints relate to the external world affect how we interpret our own behavior and that of others.

Resentment may have existed for a short while or for months or years, just now reaching a critical point. Like the inner dynamics of relationships, the inability to approach one segment with healthy insight and an openness toward change may negatively impact other areas.

Each of us can share our personal perspective about an apology here and forgiveness there. If we dig deeper, it is possible that a collection of stored emotions gets out of control so that reality becomes compromised.

Within the narrative of an apology or forgiveness sequence is the timing of each event. You may be ready to say I’m sorry but it’s possible that certain individuals who played a significant role in your personal history may no longer be living. This particular apology/forgiveness train has left the station. Does it become a question of how do you apologize and forgive yourself or do you just live with incompleteness? Even if you choose the latter, it may find a way to revisit your consciousness. It could take months or even years. Because apology and forgiveness interactions are not always predictable, a degree of uncertainty may hover around.

We live out our personal stories whether we are aware or not while our minds oscillate over multiple combinations of relationships, yours and those of others with whom you interact. Let us look at some choices:

Husband and wife

Significant other

Parents and children

Sibling rivalry

In-laws

Grandparents

Brother and sister

Uncles and aunts

Extended family

Employers and employees

Friends

Teachers and coaches

Students

Relationship to the Almighty within religion or personally

Let’s dig in.

How about a roadmap?

One way to start is with an I am sorry expression. On the other side, you may find the words, I forgive you or even, "I forgive myself."

Apologies can be offered for perceived wrongdoings. Sometimes the picture of what prompted an apology is clear. On occasion, underlying currents may have contributed to creating rifts. A rift may be short term or long term, and intentionality can be questionable. It may be the case that one party has taken a lot of hurt from the situation while the other side has already moved on. Inconsistencies and attempts to squash opposing views can be red flags.

A major bone of contention can be found in what happens in the space between an apology and granting of forgiveness. Sensitive personal agendas may be in conflict. The issue of subjectivity runs through and through, and the challenge lies in finding a path for opposing sides to seek common ground.

Filters

Filters involve collecting, maintaining, and/or dispersing parts of information. What should be kept, what needs to be shared, and what