Who Held the Door Open?: Mentoring Through Life’s Challenges

By Raejean Kanter

This book is titled Who Held the Door Open?, which comes from one of the stories used very often in Raejean’s mentoring. One day, the only good thing she could remember was that someone literally held a physical door open for her. That act changed her whole outlook on what was happening and had an influence on her future course of action. As her mentees know, that story will always be her way of asking them to look for the good in their lives, no matter how small, and appreciate the people who have held the door open in their lives.

Raejean has mentored over fifty people in her lifetime. She continues to mentor many more to this day. The following true stories are from four of her mentees. Each of them wrote their own story, in their own words, and in their own style of writing. As you go from chapter to chapter, you will notice how they each have their own way of presenting the unique person they are. Here, they share with you how they have overcome challenging times with the help of a mentor.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 23, 2022
• ISBN: 9798765233269

Raejean Kanter

In Who Held the Door Open?, Raejean Kanter shares her love of mentoring and storytelling. For most of her lifetime she has been listening to people who were searching for answers. With her unique strategy of reflective listening and storytelling, she enables others to find the answers they are seeking within themselves. Her mission in this book is to share her many years of experiences and show how mentoring can make a positive change in people’s lives. Born and raised in Wisconsin, Ms. Kanter has a Bachelor of Business Administration from St. Norbert College and a Masters of Education from Cardinal Stritch University. Her professional career includes work in youth ministry, adolescent pregnancy and pregnancy prevention, non-profit agency administration, charitable foundation management and public relations. In addition, she has written five children’s books under the name of Grandma Book’s World. The mission of this series is to help young children learn about other cultures and foster a greater understanding of inclusion. Early in her career she co-authored Understanding Sex and Sexuality, a book about human growth and development for middle school students. When she isn’t busy with her work endeavors, she enjoys traveling and she greatly values time spent with her family. After being a widow for seventeen years, she married again in 2021. Together, she and her husband have traveled the world and she has visited over fifty countries. She has two adult children and six grandchildren who are at the center of her heart. With her recent marriage, she added two stepsons and two more grandchildren.

Book preview

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to

Rita Nelson and Flora Abramson

Who served as mentors to me in my lifetime

They help me so I could help others

Thank you for all your caring and love

And

To Sarah Kanter and all the other young women of her generation

May they also know that there is always someone to listen and care about them

Who Held

the Door

Open?

Mentoring

Through

Life’s

Challenges

RAEJEAN KANTER

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Copyright © 2022 Raejean Kanter.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

844-682-1282

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3324-5 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3325-2 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3326-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022919553

Balboa Press rev. date: 10/18/2022

Contents

Preamble

Introduction

Stacey Kent

Embrace Your Journey

Rhonda Ronsman

Within The Starry Night

Vân Thanh Nguyễn

Choose to Change

Theresa Nemetz

Moments of Mentorship

Conclusion

A Few Final Words to Mentors

About The Author

Preamble

In the stories of other people, we find insight into ourselves.

For thousands of years, people have been instructed by storytellers. Picture stories have been found on the walls of cavemen. One of the greatest books of all time, the Bible, is often referred to as the Greatest Story Ever Told. As children, one of our first lessons in life often comes from a story our parents read or told to us.

Storytelling is an art form that gives insight into our own lives. We place ourselves in the situation and think about how we would handle it. Often, the story has a moral to give us guidance. It is still so important in today’s culture that there is a Peabody Award for Socially Conscious Storytelling.

In every aspect of my life, I have used it to convey messages. Whether it was teaching, raising money for charities, or parenting my children and grandchildren, I’ve found storytelling to be a useful tool. Where it has been particularly useful is in working with my mentees, to lead them through decisions they need to make.

In Who Held the Door Open?, you will find the stories of four women—four real people leading lives that may be similar to yours. You might relate to one of them, or they may all offer some insight into your life’s journey. By reading their words, may you find the answers to some of the questions you have about your life.

Introduction

Has there ever been a time in your life when nothing seemed right? Maybe your family life was in disarray, your job was too overwhelming, a loved one was dying and you knew your life would never be the same? Many years ago, this was the state in which I found my life. As I was asking, How could this be happening to me?, I remember telling God that this wasn’t the story of my life; this wasn’t the way my life was supposed to be written. Well, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.

We all go through rough times in life, and we all find our own ways of coping so that we can grow stronger. One of my strategies was, before falling asleep, I would recall all the good things that happened to me that day. There were nights during that time when I really had to think hard to find some of these positive moments. In fact, on one particular night, when I was struggling to remember something positive, I could think of only one thing: someone held a door open for me that day! That was it—such a common occurrence in daily life as we all try to be polite people. However, on this day, it was more than a kind gesture for me. It was the tipping point for me to start pulling my life together. I realized I was at rock bottom.

Simultaneously, I had been serving for many years prior as a mentor to young women and men who were just starting their careers. I wondered how I was able to be a mentor even when my own life was falling apart. I thought about it all intensely. Isn’t that what I was doing for my mentees, holding the door open? To me, mentoring isn’t about telling people how to live their life. It is about being a guide as they examine various options they have and make choices that are right for them. Mentoring is the act of holding the door open. Because of the person who held the door open for me that day, I could continue helping others for the rest of my life.

People often ask me how I started being a mentor. Really, I think it was a gift that God gave me, along with the wisdom to know that he was giving it to me. Most people already have mentors in their lives, as they come in different relationships and with all kinds of titles. Mentors may be parents, neighbors, relatives, teachers, or coworkers.

As I look back over my life, I realize that much of my gift for mentoring others has come from the people who mentored me. When I was growing up in the Polish section of Milwaukee’s South Side, the people who were mentoring me weren’t called mentors, but they were the people who held doors open for me. These were the people who believed in me and encouraged me. My father was one of these people.

My father was the second oldest of seven siblings. His father passed away young, leaving my grandmother a widow with seven children. My father graduated from high school at the age of sixteen. Upon graduating, he was awarded a complete scholarship—including room, board, and incidental costs—to a Jesuit university. My grandmother was proud of him but also told him he couldn’t accept it because he needed to work to help support the family. He wasn’t able to attend college until after World War II, and by that time, he was already a married, working father.

Education was very important to him, and I knew that. Being an only child, I regularly felt the weight to achieve on my shoulders. I worked hard and never missed a day in high school. I wanted to go to college and make my parents proud of me. As graduation came closer, my father asked what I would like to study. At this time in history, young women basically chose one of three paths: education, nursing, or social work. These were all great occupations, but my father wanted to help me look at other paths, including the business world. He set up interviews for me with some of his colleagues, including some women who were just starting to break this barrier. As I learned more about business, I could see myself succeeding in this area. The road was a bit difficult. At the beginning of my studies, there were only about three other women in my classes. On graduation day, I was the only woman in the entire St. Norbert College class of 1968 to receive a Bachelor of Business Administration. I know that without my father showing me the way, I would have never dreamed I could accomplish something so significant.

Mentors enter our lives when we need them. I have had many mentors and would love to write about each of them, but that would take up too many pages of this book. There is, however, one more that I would like to talk about because she came into my life when I was very vulnerable and at a later stage in my life.

At thirty-seven years old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My life had been going so well. I had a wonderful and supportive husband, two beautiful and smart children, my own consulting business, and I was completing work on my Master of Education in Professional Development. Then, one day, a new description was added, and I became a breast cancer patient. Talk about a slap in the face.

With the support of family, friends, my church, and modern medicine, I was fortunate to recover, although not unscathed. During this time, I gained weight because eating gave me comfort. When I looked in the mirror, I did not like what I saw. No one would hire me, I thought, unless I learned to like myself more. I decided to go to a weight loss program, and it worked wonders! As the pounds came off, my confidence began to grow! That is when I saw a job opening for an instructor in the weight loss program, and I applied for it. That is when I met Flora. She was the female owner of the business. She was the warm, caring, no-nonsense woman who hired me and gave me my first new job after my cancer. Flora opened the door to show me that cancer may slow you down, but it doesn’t always have to stop you.

It is now almost forty years later, and I still rely on Flora to be my mentor. She has been with me while my professional career grew, while my husband died of cancer, as I became a grandmother, and when I retired and started to write children’s books. She is the one, most of all, who taught me how to mentor, and she is the reason why I can create this book today. I may have taken many psychology classes throughout my education, but Flora is the one who taught me about the caring side of being a mentor.

This book is based on mentor-mentee relationships. You will see that for each of these relationships, there is a different model. All involve two people who are willing to share with each other for the specific purpose of growth. In the beginning, a bond must be formed so that each person involved can determine what they can give and what they can gain. Some of these partnerships last for many years, some last for a while and renew after a break, and others last only to solve a need. If you’re entering this type of relationship, whether you are looking for a mentor or you are a mentor, I want to share with you some of the insights I have discovered.

From my experience, I believe that there are three talents that a mentor needs to have. The most important talents are listening, reflecting, and storytelling.

Let’s start with listening. Many people think that a mentor tells you what you should do. If that is what your mentor is doing, I would like to suggest that you might want to find a new mentor. A mentor is more of a guide to help you find what has always been inside of you. There is a line in the song Tin Man, performed by America, which states, Oz never gave anything to the Tin Man that he didn’t already have. If you think of the story of The Wizard of Oz, you will see that each character already had the gift they were asking for—they just didn’t realize they had it all along. This is the same as when people come to their mentor for help. They aren’t looking for the answer—they are looking for the yellow brick road to take them to their goal. It becomes the mentor’s role to listen very carefully to what the mentee is saying. The answers are there and are being shared, even though the mentee doesn’t realize it. Sometimes, although these ideas have been thought of, they haven’t been spoken because there was no one present to listen. It is hard to realize what is inside of us if we are just talking to ourselves. As we speak out loud, we begin to believe in what we are saying. Being an active listener is the most important talent that the mentor must have. Look for a mentor who listens well and then asks clarifying questions.

It is so easy in life to get distracted and end up in a place we didn’t want to be because we have taken our eyes off the prize. And sometimes, by sharing, you may also find out that you have your eyes on the wrong prize. If the mentor asks the right questions, the mentee will start to broaden their understanding of what the goal really is. Questions for clarity help the mentee stay on the path. Besides that, isn’t it great to have someone who wants to genuinely listen to us? Mentors must help the mentee realize that for that moment in time, the mentor has nothing else that they want to do but listen to the story of this person, which leads to the next talent of the mentor: reflecting on what has been heard.

Reflecting is based on active listening. Good reflection cannot be done if the mentor is not an active listener. While reflecting, the listener, who is the mentor, repeats back to the speaker, who is the mentee, what they heard them say, not forgetting to include the expressed emotions.

Here is an example. The mentee tells the mentor about her day at work. The day didn’t go as planned. While the mentee was working on a project that would help her grow on the job, her boss asked her to stuff some folders for a meeting. The mentee became irritated. She had to drop what she was doing and complete folder-stuffing tasks, and she did not like it.

In sharing this with her mentor, she used angry and