Healing & Recovery - Perspective for Young Men with Sexualized Attachments

By Floyd Godfrey

Many heterosexual young men get discouraged and confused by symptoms of sexualized attachments. Not only might they experience depression, anxiety, addiction, or other mental health challenges, but also confusion about sexuality, identity, and orientation. This workbook is designed to help young men develop clarity and self-awareness around thes

• Language: English
• Publisher: Healing & Recovery, LLC
• Release date: Jun 2, 2022
• ISBN: 9798218071615

Floyd Godfrey

Floyd Godfrey received a PhD in Clinical Sexology and is a Licensed Professional Counselor. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and a Certified Clinical Sexologist (CCS). He received his education from the International Institute of Clinical Sexology, Arizona State University, and from Ottawa University. He worked for eight years with Tempe Social Services as a supervisor assisting school-age children and their families.Floyd is the founder of the HOPE Mental Health Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides financial support and programming to those who need mental health services. He also serves on the board of education for Canyon StateAcademy, a residential school setting for at-risk youth. He is the Director of the SexualAddiction & Betrayal Trauma Recovery program (SABR), a clinical intervention for men with sexual addiction and their partners. He also facilitates the Band ofBrothers program, which is a clinical intervention for adolescent boys with sexual compulsions. He is a member of SASH (Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health)and the AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors). He currently serves as the Executive Director of Family Strategies Counseling Center, where he trains and supervises clinical staff and university interns. He works part-time within the agency to provide individual counseling for adults, youth, and families.Floyd has been married to his bride, Kaleen, for thirty years, and together they've raised three wonderful children. While he is committed to clinical excellence,Floyd maintains a personal worldview of Biblical living and believes that faith in God is important for spiritual healing. He recognizes his need for a Savior and has acceptedJesus Christ into his life.

Book preview

Healing & Recovery

Perspective for Young Men with Sexualized Attachments

© 2022 All rights therein are retained by the author. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the copyright owner, Floyd Godfrey, Healing & Recovery, LLC.

Copyright © 2022 by Floyd Godfrey, PhD., Healing & Recovery, LLC All Rights Reserved

Edited by Cori J. Gillespie and John McLean

ISBN - 9780578904825

ISBN - 9798218071615 (e-book)

Printed in the United States of America

Publisher: Healing & Recovery, LLC

Cover Photography by Cody & Calli Carlson, Abide Studios

Endorsements

Healing and Recovery will become the ‘go-to book’ for those reaching out the hand of help to young boys and men seeking to understand their struggle. It safely skirts the political pressures and moves into the heart of the problem - who am I? Researched, documented and supported by science it offers sound direction for one choosing recovery. Thank you, Floyd, for this healing, hope-filled gift.

Mary Anne Fifield, DMFT, CAS-R, CSAT, LMFT

Founding Director of the Addiction Recovery Center

Finally! A much-needed book for teen males who are dealing with confusion and shame around their sexuality. Godfrey’s vulnerable sharing of his personal experiences connects with teens authentically and normalizes this common struggle. He bypasses the typical religious solutions and provides sound information about how legitimate needs become sexualized. This exploration of attachment wounds and how to heal them should be the go-to book for every clinician and pastor who wants to truly help teens who struggle with sexuality.

Marnie C. Ferree, LMFT, CSAT

Founder & Director, Bethesda Workshops

Dr. Godfrey provides an intimate and candid look into what is essential when treating problematic sexual behaviors in adolescent young men. This workbook will serve as the core curriculum of many adolescent treatment programs around the country.

Dr. Matthew Hedelius, Psy. D., LCSW, CSAT-S

Founding Director of Paradise Creek Recovery Center

A very personal book that is both candid and insightful as to the inner struggles of youth who are dealing with attachment wounds and unmet emotional needs that have been eroticized. It is also a workbook that provides a practical step-by-step process for recovery--which will be helpful not only to the individuals struggling with sexualized attachments, but also to those professionals and parents who are wanting to assist such adolescents. Thank you Floyd, for this exemplary work.

David C. Brown, Ph.D., LMFT

Owner of Deseret Counseling Center

Finally, a scientifically supported book that addresses sexuality through the lens of attachment wounds and needs. Floyd has studied the research, ignored the politics, and speaks to the deeper issue. This book will have life changing effects for those choosing Recovery.

John McLean, LPC, CSAT, Psychotherapist

Floyd Godfrey’s book Healing and Recovery shines a light on the many confusing and challenging parts of young men’s journey of identity and sexual development. Many young men struggle with emotional turmoil and belonging, a flood of sexual feelings and thoughts, and a lack of maturity and mentoring toward manhood. Floyd’s book is a competent guide for young men to understand the complexity of sexual attraction, to recover from problematic sexual behavior, and to heal relationship wounds. Floyd shares his personal experiences, clinical insights from many years of specialized therapy with those struggling with sexual issues, and what science reveals about sexuality and attachment. The book reminds the reader to not accept societal labels, but rather honor oneself by slowly and carefully practicing self-discovery. The world needs young men who are confident and see themselves accurately. This book provides a solid path to this end.

Shane Adamson LCSW, EFT, CSAT

Director, Center For Marriage & Family Counseling

Podcast Host, Help for Loving Relationships

In my work with individuals across the sexual orientation spectrum, rarely do I find a person who has not experienced an attachment wound. It is often the case that these attachment wounds shift our thinking patterns, alter behavioral patterns, and can lead to painful feelings such as depression and anxiety. When a person begins to understand the nature of their attachment needs, and finds healthy ways to get those needs met that are congruent with their value system, peace can be found and greater joy experienced. Floyd’s book explores the concepts of attachment as it relates to sexual fluidity and identifies key elements of attachment that aid in a deeper understanding of one’s feelings, desires, and behaviors.

Troy L. Love, LCSW, SATP

Author of Finding Peace

This workbook is in many ways, a whole-hearted approach to understanding the etiology of attachment disruptions and how they can manifest in numerous ways throughout one’s life. This work is both empirically supported and consistent with the clinical work that is expected of a contemporary therapist. Floyd’s book shines a light on an issue that permeates the fabric of society, and he illuminates the material in a way that illustrates his passion and concern for those who struggle with and toward recovery.

Eric Schultz, MFT, CSAT, Psychotherapist

Acknowledgements

This workbook came about through the multitude of clients who helped me develop an understanding of sexualized attachments. The presenting frustration and confusion magnified my desire to understand this topic more completely.

I’m also grateful to various colleagues who made this project possible and provided invaluable input and feedback. I appreciate your time, effort, and honesty. Your helpful criticism was essential in the research and format of this project: Dr. Maylin Batista, Dr. Mary Anne Fifield, and Dr. Matthew Hedelius. Additionally, I feel very blessed for the tutelage of Dr. Monica Breaux who inspired me to think in new ways and analyze the research from a different perspective. Thank you for your faith, patience and time with me on this project.

A special thank you to my bride, Kaleen, who allowed me to work, write, and complain. She listened to my doubts and hesitations. A huge thank you to my brothers and sister who encouraged and supported various aspects of this work. Finally, a big thank you to my children who were forced to live with a father who was always talking about sexuality research and, sometimes, embarrassing them in public.

Table of Contents

Rationale for this Workbook

Foreward

Before You Begin

Chapter 1: Despair and Hope

SECTION ONE: BACKGROUND

Chapter 2: Elementary School

Chapter 3: Junior High School

Chapter 4: High School

SECTION TWO: INSIGHT

Chapter 5: Finding Answers

Chapter 6: Defining Sexualized Attachments

Chapter 7: Arousal Patterns & Templates

Chapter 8: Attachment with Parents

Chapter 9: Attachment with Same-Sex Peers

Chapter 10: Gender Congruency

Chapter 11: Emotional Preoccupation

Chapter 12: Attachment with Opposite-Sex Peers

Chapter 13: Body Issues

Chapter 14: Attachment and Affection

Chapter 15: Attachment Counterfeits – Porn & Experimentation

Chapter 16: Attachment Counterfeit – Sexual Addiction

Chapter 17: Attachment Confusion – Sexual Abuse

Chapter 18: Attachment Influences – Genetic Dispositions

SECTION THREE: RECOVERY CONCEPTS

Chapter 19: Adjusting Your Filter

Chapter 20: Launch Your Recovery

Chapter 21: Recovery Tools

About the Author

Bibliography

Rationale for this Workbook

I’ve worked as a professional therapist with hundreds of men, women, and youth who have sexualized attachments. Usually, these clients came to my office expressing pain, conflict, and confusion. They often struggled with childhood difficulties that seemed relevant to their confusion. They shared private and sometimes traumatic stories of events they insisted had contributed to their pain.

My attention was piqued when Dr. Lisa Diamond wrote her book in 2008 about sexual fluidity.¹ In it she discussed her observations that some women shift attraction toward either a man or a woman. This shift for some individuals pointed her toward the concept of sexual fluidity. Dr. Diamond observed that for some women love and desire are not rigidly heterosexual or homosexual. She repeated her position in 2017 and stated: There are genetic influences, but they are not deterministic. There is a lot evidence for fluidity and change in people’s experiences of same-sex attraction.²

Her research enhanced my own clinical observation that some people’s sexuality was influenced by various emotional dynamics. As I explored this issue, concepts of secure-attachment, insecure-attachment, defensive-detachment, and anxious-attachment kept coming up in the research. As did the concept of sexualized attachments that includes issues such as trauma bonding, trauma repetition, and trauma re-enactment.

I was again intrigued when Ritch Savin-Williams published his book Mostly Straight in which he explored sexual fluidity among men. He asserted the same observation as Lisa Diamond and explored biological and psychological factors that combine to influence sexual attraction.³

Similarly, Neil King observed emotional patterns which influenced sexuality.⁴ He noticed that arousal patterns were often developed through emotional dynamics and, over time, became imprinted.

I spent several years collaborating with other professionals – some who felt strongly about environmental influence, and some who felt strongly about genetic influence. In some instances, these professionals had intensely political or religious beliefs. I listened and learned from both positions and, after more research, decided to write this workbook.

My fear is that adults and youth label themselves as abnormal or broken when they are experiencing symptoms of sexualized attachments. Sometimes people have homosexual, bisexual, or other sexual attractions that we can’t assume are inherent. Unfortunately, this seems to be the current assumption of inexperienced clinicians.

In striving for equality, lobbyists and activists have pushed for societal changes to increase acceptance and reduce discrimination. The reduction in discrimination and hatred has made a positive impact on society. However, this cultural climate has created hesitation to examine emotional influence on sexual attraction for fear of professional repercussions. Some clinicians abandon consideration of factors outside genetics for the sake of avoiding political backlash.

In this scenario, clients are labeled based on attraction without a complete understanding of what’s happening inside themselves. People who experience sexualized attachments may be completely uneducated about emotional deficits or attachment wounds. They may be living without any awareness of their own unaddressed attachment needs or wounds. This workbook is my effort to help young men and clinicians to understand the symptoms and scope of sexualized attachments and to find healing and recovery.

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1 Diamond, L. M. (2009). Sexual fluidity: Understanding women’s love and desire. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

2 Martinez, L. (2017, February 10). Professor strikes down ‘born this way’ argument for homosexuality. Retrieved from https://badgerherald.com/news/2017/02/10/professor-strikes-down-born-this-way-argument-for-homosexuality/

3 Savin-Williams, R. C. (2017). Mostly straight: Sexual fluidity among men. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

4 King, N. (2000). Childhood Sexual Trauma in Gay Men. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services,12(1-2), 19-35. doi:10.1300/j041v12n01_02

Foreward

Before You Begin

This workbook is intended to provide you with insight into sexualized attachment issues. You will learn about contributing factors and symptoms of sexualized attachments. I have personally experienced confusion surrounding these difficult issues, and I have worked with hundreds of youth who also struggled. This material is written to help you sort through these challenges.

This workbook can be used as a guide but doesn’t replace a real person. It will have minimal impact without support and guidance from others. To make a more lasting impression, I strongly suggest you review this workbook with a professional counselor and with loved ones who can support you. Provide yourself opportunities to connect with others throughout this process and you will find long-term success in your healing. There are various topics covered inside the workbook that may bring up a whirlwind of emotion. Some of the emotions might be new. Having someone with whom you can share will be invaluable as you sort through all the emotions that arise. Some young men feel overwhelmed by the intensity of these issues. This is normal. Don’t be afraid to seek out the help you need.

Healing requires connection and bonding with people you love and trust. It requires you to reach out for support. You must experience deeper and more secure attachments that you’ve been missing. So before you begin… find someone with whom you can share as you read and learn.

Chapter 1

Despair and Hope

I was a young child when I fell into Grandma’s swimming pool. I panicked and reached out for something to grab onto, but my body slid beneath the surface of the water. I fought to keep my head up, gasping for air and kicking frantically. Others sat calmly at the edge of the water but didn’t see me. I was terrified. I was out of control. I couldn’t breathe. Terror swept over my mind.

I felt this same panic when I first noticed sexual curiosity about other boys. I was