Dictator Lunches: Inspired Meals That Will Compel Even the Toughest of (Tyrants) Children

By Jenny Mollen

Pack lunch with this fun and creative cookbook of lunchbox ideas and healthy recipes to please even your pickiest eater—from Jenny Mollen, the Instagram personality behind @dictatorlunches!

“Jenny makes all of us moms wanna be more creative! Her humor and inventiveness are such a winning combination. I love this amazing method of edible food art she has brought to life. It makes us all smile and cheer.” — Drew Barrymore

Lighthearted cooking with a heavy dose of love

Any parent will tell you that raising dictators… errr, children … can be challenging. Thankfully Jenny Mollen of @dictatorlunches takes the power struggle out of mealtime with this inspired collection of 40 recipes, from filling breakfasts to healthy snacks, dinners, and desserts—with a special emphasis on solving the age-old problem of school lunch.

Dictator Lunches will soon become your secret weapon in the kitchen. Mollen shares her foolproof method for packing winning lunches along with easy-to-master techniques that will transform ordinary ingredients into adorable edible art, like Strawberry Actresses, Cucumber Penguins, and Rice Pandas. With her trademark playfulness and whimsy, Mollen turns meals into feasts fit for any autocrat, no matter how demanding, featuring:

• Insta-ready Avocado Toast
• Better Than Alphabet Cookies
• Logs. They Aren’t Just for Ants Anymore
• Fruit-juiced Gummy Worms in Granola soil
• Healthy Chocolate-Peanut Butter Cups on a Stick

Complete with international dishes for your jet-setting tyrant like Amateur Hour Japchae, Curry Chicken, and Coconut Rice and Beans, and holiday-themed boxes with Reindeer Celery Sticks, Baruch Atah Adon-Applesauce, and Spinach Frankenstein Quesadillas, Dictator Lunches has you covered for every meal, every holiday, and any dictator’s whim. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins
• Release date: Sep 13, 2022
• ISBN: 9780063242654

Jenny Mollen

JENNY MOLLEN is a writer, actor, Instagram personality and New York Times bestselling author of the essay collections I Like You Just the Way I Am and Live Fast Die Hot. Her digital series, “I Like You Just the Way I Am,” which she wrote and in which she stars, currently streams on ABC Digital. Heralded by The Huffington Post as one of the funniest women on both Twitter and Instagram and named one of “Five to Follow” by T Magazine, Jenny wrote a standing column for Parents magazine and has contributed to Cosmopolitan, Glamour, New York, Elle.com, Grub Hub, and Wake Up Call with Katie Couric. Her debut novel City of Likes is set to publish June 2022 and Dictator Lunches, a cookbook inspired by her Instagram account @dictatorlunches is set to publish September 2022.

Book preview

Dedication

For Sid and Lazlo but also Peggy and Art

. . . the people I’m teaching to eat and the ones who taught me. I’d be Jell-O without you. Viva la evolution!

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction: The Birth of the Dictatorship

Part I: What You Need to Survive Any Authoritarian Lunch Regime

How to Use This Book

Tools & Tricks of the Trade

The Armory

Regime Building

The Strategy for Every Lunch Battle

Part II: Dictator Lunches & Recipes

1. Dictators at Dawn (Breakfast Recipes)

Baby Boom Applesauce

Mollen Smoothie Redux

Green Breakfast Muffin

Silly Simple Quiche Cups

Dutch Baby

2. Globetrotting Dictators

Korean Dictator

Amateur-Hour Japchae

French Dictator

Seedy Granola

Chocolate-Hazelnut Spread

Japanese Dictator

Salmon, Avocado, and Nori Sandwiches

New York Dictator

Jenny’s Crunchy Tuna Salad

Austro-Hungarian Dictator

Grain-Free Schnitzel

Quick Pickles

It’s All Greek to a Dictator Who Can’t Read

Scantily Clad Shrimp Kebabs

Scandinavian Dictator

Pink Is the New Whitefish Salad on Rye

Indian Dictator

Quick-Fire Curry Chicken

Israeli Dictator

Jerusalem-Style Hummus

Italian Dictator

Pasta with Jason’s Red Sauce

Guatemalan Dictator

Coconut Rice Coddling Black Beans with Mommy Issues

British Dictator

(Grain- and Dairy-Free) Scones with Blueberries

Chinese Dictator

New Wave Shrimp Toasts

Fried Rice Mountain

Los Angeles Dictator

3. Dictators on the Go (Snack Recipes)

Roasted Chickpeas

Roasted Shiitake Chips

Mr. Teets Oatmeal Cookies

Logs: They Aren’t Just for Ants Anymore

Apple Cake Muffins

Better Than Alphabet Cookies

Fruit-Juiced Gummy Worms

4. Festive Dictators (Holiday Lunches & Recipes)

New Year, New Dictator

Chicken-and-Zucchini-Stuffed Rice Balls

Valentine’s Dictator

Turkey Meatballs in a Marinara Jacuzzi

St. Patrick’s Day Dictator

The Luckiest Broccoli Pesto

Mashed Peas with Mint

Easter Dictator

Carrot Bacon

Earth Day Dictator

Purple Cabbage Rice Garden

Independence Day Dictator

Corn Ribs

Coleslaw with Apples

High Holiday Dictator

Halloween Dictator

Guacamole Graveyard

Thanksgiving Dictator

Jason’s Green Beans

Hanukkah Dictator

Zucchini Latkes

Christmas Dictator

5. Dictators After Dark (Dinner Recipes)

Sheet Pan–Roasted Salmon with Fennel

Jason’s Roast Chicken

Tel Aviv-a La Cauliflower

Southwestern Stuffed Sweet Peppers

Kabocha, Cashew, and Swiss Chard Stir-Fry

Jean-Georges-ish Lettuce Cups

6. Iron Fist, Sweet Tooth (Dessert Recipes)

Angela’s Pecan Tassies

Peggy’s Popcorn Balls

Francine’s Noodle Kugel

Pandemic Birthday Cake

Chocolate Almond Butter Cups on a Stick

Part III: The Wow Factor: It Takes a Village to Build a Dictatorship

Honeycrisp Apple Bromakases

Strawberry Santa Con

Oreo Mummies, Owls, and Bats

Cucumber Bistro Chairs and Table

Kiwi Frankenstein

Babybel Pokémon

Strawberry Flowers

Apple Mouths

Daisy Eggs

Rice Panda

Seeded Avocado

Radish Flower

Date Creatures

Shredded Wheat Mummy

Cucumber Penguin

Jack-o’-Lantern Sweet Peppers

Fatal Attraction Boiled Bunny

Clementine Pumpkin

Egg Mold Sunrise

Acknowledgments

Index

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

The Birth of the Dictatorship

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Mommy, is it okay if you call me King?

Sid (age 4)

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Hi, I’m Jenny, mom and loyal subject to two young dictators, Sid and Lazlo.

My story begins like all heroes’ journeys, with the best of intentions and a shit ton of mommy issues.

Growing up the child of multiple divorces with two parents who worked days and dated nights, I was often tasked with packing my own lunches for school. These meals consisted of anything from cream cheese sandwiches and pretzels to whatever happy hour appetizer followed my mom home for a nightcap.

When I reached seventh grade, my school provided hot lunches, but these were not necessarily championed by my peers. I remember waiting in line sheepishly with a small red ticket for a plate of spaghetti as I watched the cafeteria fill up with all the things I didn’t have—the PB&Js with the crusts sliced off, the homemade banana bread, the handwritten notes. On more auspicious days, I’d count the change in my backpack and realize I had enough money not just for my 25-cent carton of skim milk but also for a Little Debbie Nutty Bar.

Even with the small victories, there was still something missing—a sense of being taken care of. As my therapist and hairdresser have both pointed out, it wasn’t really about the food as much as it was the effort to purvey it.

Now that I’m older, I have the perspective to know that my parents weren’t intentionally trying to slight me. They were just focused on other things, like paying the bills, moussing their hair, and living their lives according to the lyrics of Madonna’s 1983 hit single Holiday.

This isn’t to knock them, because this was, after all, the eighties—a good mousse was super essential, and according to pop psychology, I don’t think children were even considered people until the late nineties.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. But who we are as parents is always, to some degree, a reaction to the ones we had ourselves.

Ever since I was a child, food equaled love. And for that, I was always hungry.

So when my own children started school, I couldn’t simply send them out the door with brown paper bags. I needed to give them movable feasts.

I’m a millennial mom. (Actually, I’m sort of a no-man’s-land parent. Born in 1979, a cusp baby. Young enough to not have a smallpox vaccine scar, but old enough to have thought a Japanese character tattoo would be a great way for me to show off my individuality.) I come from a generation of women who want to have it all. Who were promised that having it all was possible.

Yes, I want to kick ass in my professional life and do things my sons will someday be proud of, or at the very least bring up as cautionary tales at dinner parties. But I am also a child whose mom had to work. And while I understood the necessity of her absence, that didn’t make it any easier.

The reality is that having it all AT THE SAME TIME isn’t really doable. As parents, we are forced to choose every day.

I try to find the balance between my two roles. Sometimes I feel like I’m nailing it, while other times I fall drastically short.

I am not a chef. I’m not a DIY artist. And I’m most definitely not a stay-at-home parent. I am just a latchkey kid and a working mom trying to sublimate my anxiety and guilt into something my kids and possibly other parents will find useful.

These lunches aren’t here to shame you into feeling like you aren’t doing enough. Because you ARE! The fact that you are even reading this tells me that you, too, are striving toward a bigger goal when it comes to your kids’ nutrition and overall well-being. You are going above and beyond, and to be honest, I already wish that you were my parent.

It’s Not You, It’s Your Dictator

You are stronger than you think you are. Raising a dictator can sometimes feel like breaking a small horse. You just need to stay consistent and take nothing personally.

I may not have had the Rockwellian childhood of my dreams, but I was blessed with two parents who underscored the importance of a healthy diet and exercise. This might have simply been because they wanted to look hot naked, but I digress.

My father is a doctor and the author of multiple books on the subject of health and wellness, and my mom was a nurse who worked everything from cardiac rehab to neonatal intensive care.

We didn’t grow up eating red meat, there was never soda, and salads were served with every meal.

Despite being raised on Kraft singles, my husband, Jason, is a foodie. The weirder the dish, the more keen he is to try it. And while he isn’t always as health-conscious as I am (I have, on occasion, found him in our kitchen eating Oreos in a bowl of milk with a spoon like cereal), he has always been passionate about raising adventurous eaters.

Between Jason’s enthusiasm for new things and my heavy focus on health, our house has always been a place where food—good food—has been a priority.

My elder dictator, Sid, is everything you’d expect a first child to be. He’s cautious and skeptical, with an active imagination and just a dash too much self-confidence. He recently told us over dinner that he is the main character of our family, at which we all nodded our heads in agreement. That’s what you do in a dictatorship. He’s witty and bright, but easy is not a word I would use to