The Smile Factor

By Perk Perkins

A collection of Perk's award winning, humorous and inspirational newspaper column.

133 columns that appeared each and every week for eight years.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Perk Perkins
• Release date: Aug 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201564452

Perk Perkins

Perk Perkins may sound like a stupid name, but it worked out for Zig Ziglar so why not Perk? Perk started writing for magazines and then landed his own award winning, weekly newspaper column called, The Smile Factor, which ran for over eight years.  He has authored several novella's and short story collections and The Angels of Valley Junction is his first novel.  His background as an entertainer, comedian and professional smart aleck has influenced his writing and offers readers a unique voice they enjoy and deserve.

Book preview

Just For Today

The last few months have seemed pretty tough for yours truly. It seems like everyone in the world, except me, doesn’t have their act together. It appears lately I am surrounded by folks who make constant mistakes (that affect me), say stupid things (that affect me) and are constantly trying to make my life miserable. Joy stealers...folks are stealing my joy and I can’t seem to make them see the errors of their ways! Why is everybody doing the wrong things and I’m the only one doing the right things? Anyone?

Well, when I awoke this morning, still under the realization I am being persecuted by all living things, I decided...no, not today. Today I am taking a break. I am taking a one day vacation from life and its problems. I am going to let all the issues and bad situations of the world pass through me and on to the next sucker, just for today.

So I decided, just for today, instead of grumbling hello, I am going to smile at the lady at Starbucks who gives me my delicious coffee every morning, tell her good morning and ask her how she is doing. And I did, this one time. Just for today. She gave me the warmest smile I’ve ever seen and it seemed like my coffee tasted better than usual. Weird.

I stopped at the dry cleaners and the lady was on the phone with a customer. Usually I would interrupt because I’m in a hurry and my shirts are more important than anyone else’s. But, just for today, I waited quietly until she was finished. She thanked me profusely for my patience and explained most people would have acted like a jerk and ruined her day. Wow, can you imagine that?

When I went to park at a department store and old lady was heading for the same parking spot I was, the one closest to the door. I started to race her to the spot but I decided, just for today, I would let her have the spot. She blew me a kiss.

At the grocery store this afternoon I had a huge cartful and the old man behind me only had 3 items, so I decided to be courteous, just for today, and let him cut in front of me. He gave me a coupon for the soda I was buying. Strange.

I was feeling so relaxed and at peace this evening that I thought, ‘Hey, I’m not busy so I will spend some good, quality time in prayer.’ Not just the quick five minutes I usually devote to spiritual matters but, just for today, really and truly thank God for all the undeserved blessing he has sent my way. It was an amazing hour. I can’t tell you the feeling of gratitude that overwhelmed me. It was very special.

I must admit today went very, very well and so I wondered to myself...maybe I should try this again tomorrow?

Eagle or Chicken?

A while back I was driving some beautiful back roads in Arkansas. It was a lazy, sunny morning and I was enjoying the natural scenery out the window. I came around a curve and there was a commercial chicken farm on my left side. There was a wide metal building, several hundred feet long that housed what had to be thousands of chickens. There was a bed of white feathers surrounding the building and it appeared the sides were mostly wire. I would guess it was chicken wire, because I am just that smart of a person.

Now chicken and turkey farms are a fairly common sight in these parts but the tree next to the chicken building is what fascinated me. In the large maple, sitting on a low branch, all the way on the end, just ten feet from the building was a beautiful majestic bald eagle. His jet-black body looked sleek and smooth and was a sharp contrast to his snow white feathered head. His eyes were focused intensely on the clucking chickens safely behind the wire only a few feet away.

At first I chuckled to myself at the situation. That poor eagle was so close to a thousand delicious meals and yet he was bound to eventually admit defeat and fly away hungry. Or was he? Was he hatching, (sorry), a brilliant plan in his little bird brain? Or did he just happen upon the building, hoping for an easy meal? I thought that if he had a human brain he might have tried biting through the wire, or digging underneath, or walking around the outside looking for an opening.

But then I wondered, Why am I rooting for the eagle instead of the chicken? They are both birds, both God’s creatures. Is one more important than the other in the big scheme of things? Well, chickens are very tasty and I’ve always found eagles to be a little chewy, but that wasn’t it.

My guess is the eagle sat outside the building for several hours, hoping a chicken would stumble out and offer himself as a sacrifice. Then, still being hungry, he flew the coop, (Real, real sorry).

How many times have you sat outside a chicken coop waiting for a lucky break? The opportunity was there but you hoped it would just come to you. We have an advantage over the eagle. God gave us creative minds that enable us to figure out how to get into the chicken coop and the power of prayer to insure success. But, we have to use our brains, prayers and all the resources available to make it happen. We all have chicken coops. Thomas Edison’s chicken coop was a dark room. Dr. Jonas Salk’s chicken coop was polio. What’s your chicken coop?

When problems seem tough, just remember, at least your not the chicken!

The Usual Bet

I have a friend Michael L. who lives in Branson, Missouri. As a kid his family would take him to a resort on Tablerock in August every year. It was a great way to celebrate the love of family and Michael always looked forward to the lake vacations.

When he grew up he carried on the tradition and took his wife and kids to the same area each August. His children enjoyed these vacations as much as he did growing up and it really helped to bond a close family even closer. But, as happens these days Michael’s kids grew up and moved away to different states. He recently told me about the first time that he took his daughter fishing at age five. As he baited her hook he asked, The usual bet?

Little Marcee looked up and asked, What’s that?

One dollar for the first fish, one dollar for the biggest fish and one dollar for the most fish. Her Dad explained.

Okay! Marcee chirped. Usual bet.

As luck would have it, Marcee won all three categories that day and had a knack for winning those; usual bets, down through the years.

Not long ago Marcee flew back in to visit her family in Branson. Michael picked her up at the airport in Springfield and on the drive home he asked her, Anything special you want to do while you’re here?

Yeah, lets stop and get a fishing license, it’s been years since I fished.

Michael was a bit surprised but stopped and picked up the license and later that evening he and his daughter sat on a dock on the calm waters of Tablerock preparing to drown some innocent worms.

Usual bet? Marcee asked.

It had been many years since the last time he took his daughter fishing and their little bet had slipped his mind.

What’s the usual bet? he asked.

You know...a dollar for the first fish, a dollar for the biggest and a dollar for the most fish. The usual bet.

In an instant all those wonderful memories came flooding back to Michael. The first time he took her fishing and all the times after that when his sweet little girl looked forward to spending time all alone with her dad.

My gosh, you mean you still remember that? Michael beamed.

Do I remember it? Marcee chuckled. She reached in her ancient, rusted metal tackle box and pulled out an old plastic bottle made to hold sinkers. She tossed it to Michael who opened it to find three rolled up dollar bills inside.

Hope, Faith and Charity

No... hope, faith and charity are not the names of women I have dated. Well, technically I have always hope to date Faith Hill and if she ever did go out with me it would probably be a charity case on her part. Of course at some point I would have to whip the tar out of Tim McGraw, her husband, because I’m sure he would take issue with it. But, I could do it, I’m not afraid of him. In fact, if his wife wants to leave him and be with me he needs to just man up and let her go. He’s not going to stand in the way of our love and that’s all there is to it. Whoa now...I think I’ve gotten away from my point.

No my dear readers, hope, faith and charity are more than just mere words found in my twisted mind and the Bible. They are interwoven practices and principles that secure our happiness through thoughtful action.

Hope, in its most desperate stage, will slip through the fingers of those without a belief system. Without belief in God, an atheist in his worst, most desperate hour will lose hope. Those who do believe have an anchor to tie their rope of hope to. Shall we call it the hope rope? No, OK...your call. But this rope of hope is secured to the anchor of faith for the believer. I know that I will not give up hope because of my belief in God. St. Francis de Sales said, God will either  remove your greatest trouble or give you invincible courage to get through it.

I have been to that point of greatest despair and the only thing that kept hope alive is my faith, the courage God gave me to get through it.

One of the things that activates our faith and brings it in line with His will is charity. An act of charity activates 2 souls, the person your helping and your own.

When you help someone in need, whatever it is, you have given them hope. A beggar hopes and prays someone will feed him. When you do you strengthen his faith, increase his hope and encourage him to help others. No, you probably can’t get to heaven on an act of charity, but that will activate hope which will activate faith which will activate charity which will activate hope.

It’s like a big merry-go-round and we need to jump on it and keep it going. Doesn’t matter where you start, just jump on and get to it.

Oh...and Tim McGraw...I’m coming for you.

The Five Senses

I know that myself and my three beautiful children are very lucky. God has blessed us. We all have our five senses fully intact. When our babies are born the first thing we look for is ten fingers and ten toes. After that, we make sure they can see and hear. Once we know they can, we begin to wonder...why don’t they ever listen to us and how can they not see that towel on the floor that’s been in their bedroom for over a week?

Or am I alone in this observation? I didn’t think so.

Lately, I’ve began to wonder about the other three, somewhat overlooked senses, touch, smell and taste. I have heard of people losing their sense of taste. That would be a drag but not an extremely, horrific situation. Okay, so everything tastes like cardboard, poor baby. Maybe your wife is just a horrible cook? Does your dog beg for Alka Seltzer? That may be the problem.

Losing the sense of smell would almost be a blessing in some instances, as anyone in my family can attest to. And, I don’t think you can lose the sense of touch but you can be accused of, ‘not being in touch with your feelings.’ Or maybe you’ve, ‘lost touch with reality.’ Stick your hand in your mouth and bite really hard. Does it hurt? Okay, you’re fine.

And we’ve all heard that if a person loses his eyesight, his sense of hearing grows much stronger to make up for the deficiency. But, what if you lose your sense of taste? Does your sense of smell quadruple in power to help out? At breakfast would you say, Hey, this bacon taste like Elmer’s glue, but my friend Ryan down the block needs to change his cats litter box.

So what about your five senses? Think about your favorite memory of each...what are they? Here are mine.

Sight: the miracle of watching my three wonderful kids being born.

Hearing: listening to the giant snowflakes fall through the naked tree branches while deep in the woods during a snowstorm.

Smell: Burning wood and my smoldering tennis shoe rubber in a late fall campfire.

Taste: A strong, bold coffee in the morning, but only if I have no particular place to go.

Touch: The first baby-kiss from Casey, Taylor and Emilee Rose. Tell me what’s better than that?

D-Day is Coming

If you knew the time and place of your death, what would you do different? If you had a reliable vision, knowing in the year 2020, you would die of a heart attack, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?

It’s a common phrase and hit country song, ‘Live like you were dying’. But, when hearing it these days we think about the movie, The Bucket List, in which two dying men go about doing as many things as they can before they die. Experiences they have always dreamed of doing, but now they know its now or never. While entertaining, the movie was typical Hollywood stuff with no religious considerations just a selfish viewpoint of the expiring men.

But, lets say you knew for a fact, you had ten years left. Then what? There would be no immediate frenzy of fear or last minute to do before I’m done list to scramble to complete. It seems to me that you would want to make your relationships with family as solid as possible during that time. Showing love, receiving love, sharing time and making memories that will linger in the minds of your family when you’re gone. When the time comes it would be easier knowing you have no regrets or fractures in the family.

Wouldn’t it be similar with your friends? Trying to be the best friend you can be, real and trusting. You would want to leave them with good thoughts and enjoy their company while you could, wouldn’t you? Show concern for their problems and share the good times as well as the bad. They must be special if they’re your friends, right?

First and foremost I would want to examine my relationship with the Big Guy thoroughly, having as much confidence as possible that I knew where I was going. I believe most atheist, faced with the guaranteed time of their departure, would re-examine their non-belief. It would seem the logical thing to do and in that examination I bet the truth will be exposed to them.

So, if you, dear reader, agree with me to this point, then I have some shocking news for you; you are going to die. We all are, the official death rate is one per person and you can’t escape it. What’s worse than the scenario I have just laid out is, you don’t know when? It might be fifty years, it might be fifty minutes? If you agree that it would be beneficial to become a better father, son, daughter, mother etc, and also a better friend, not to mention the benefit of reaffirming your faith...then what are you waiting for? If you would do it if you knew when, then why not do it now? Start preparing for your last day by living this day, a happier, better quality of life.

An Honest Tombstone

As we get older it’s a natural thought to wonder how and when you will meet your demise. Nobody knows the time and date the good Lord will chose to take us home or send us to that warmer climate. You might get hit by a bus crossing the street tomorrow or you may reach the century mark and your earthly body will just give out.

I just finished reading the biographies of several of the founding fathers and it was a fact in that period that only about 1 out of 4 babies born made it to adulthood. Physicians hadn’t the knowledge or medicines we have today and were helpless to cure deadly diseases and health problems that are simple to control and heal today.

Another fact I gleaned of that time period was that the graves stones had more quotes or inscriptions about the deceased than they do today. That got me to thinking that I want to create a good original thought to go on my grave marker. I haven’t come up with one yet, but I have researched some from the famous and infamous to help get me kick started. Here are my favorites.

That's All Folks! The Man of a Thousand Voices, Mel Blanc. (voice of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd) A star on earth - a star in heaven, Karen Carpenter. She did it the hard way. Bette Davis. At Rest An American Soldier And Defender of the Constitution, Jefferson Davis. Called Back, Emily Dickinson. The Body of  B. Franklin, Printer. Like the cover of an old book, its contents turn out, and stript of its lettering & guilding, lies here, food for worms. For, it will as he believed, appear once more In a new and more elegant edition, corrected and improved. By the author Benjamin Franklin.

One I found interesting is Thomas Jefferson, which he also wrote himself, for himself. Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the statute of Virginia for religious freedom, and father of the University of Virginia. If you are writing your own epitaph I guess