Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop Pleasing Others

By Patrick King

Expressing what you want isn’t selfish, it’s prioritizing yourself. Do you have that habit?

You don’t have to be “nice” to everyone if it means being mean to yourself. Learn to prioritize yourself and finally do only what you want to do.

The need to please is powerful, but it causes anxiety, stress, and resentment. Time to change your patterns.

Stand Up For Yourself is direct and no-nonsense. That’s because the way you prioritize others and let them stomp all over your boundaries isn’t working, so you need a change. This book teaches you how to reverse these mini-decisions, and internalize the belief that you are worth it, you are valuable, and you deserve it. Because you are, and you do.

Understand the psychology of people pleasing and how to stop it with actionable techniques.

Patrick King is an internationally bestselling author and social skills coach. His writing draws of a variety of sources, from scientific research, academic experience, coaching, and real life experience.

Reprogram your beliefs and learn how to set boundaries that others can’t ignore.

Understand the psychology of letting others walk all over you, and why it makes perfect logical sense

How to break the fear of being yourself by being more generous and accepting

Knowing your self-narratives and changing them with swift action

The real psychology behind conflict and why it can appear so scary

A multitude of actionable and realistic ways to say NO to anyone

How to chart the progress of your journey to loving yourself more fully

Ditch being a doormat and become assertive

Find your voice, stand up for yourself, and put yourself first. It’s your life, so live it for yourself!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Publishdrive
• Release date: Jul 26, 2022
• ISBN: 9798842473540

Patrick King

Patrick King is a social interaction specialist/dating, online dating, image, and communication and social skills coach based in San Francisco, California. His work has been featured on numerous national publications such as Inc.com, and he’s achieved status as a #1 Amazon best-selling dating and relationships author. He writes frequently on dating, love, sex, and relationships. Learn more about Patrick at his website, patrickkingconsulting.com.

Book preview

Stand Up For Yourself, Set Boundaries, & Stop Pleasing Others

(if that’s okay with you…)

By Patrick King

Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

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< < CLICK HERE for your FREE 25-PAGE MINIBOOK: Conversation Tactics, Worksheets, and Exercises. > >

—9 proven techniques to avoid awkward silence

—How to be scientifically funnier and more likable

—How to be wittier and quicker instantly

—Making a great impression with anyone

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Table of Contents

Part 1: Why are Some People People-Pleasers?

Chapter 1: The Need to be Liked

You’re an Ink Blot

Your Worth Does Not Come from Others’ Approval

There’s Nothing Wrong with Having Needs—and Meeting Them

You Are Not Omnipotent

The Separation of Tasks Exercise

Chapter 2: Are You Generous? Or Just Afraid of Rejection?

How to Break the Fear of Rejection Cycle

Have Self-Compassion

Challenge Your Narratives

Focus on Process and Not Outcome

Chapter 3: Fawning—A Response to Trauma

Get Professional Help

Reparent Yourself

Reconnect with Your Principles and Values

Become an Expert on Your Own Feelings

Have Fun!

Chapter 4: Why Conflict Avoidance is Actually a High-Risk Strategy

The Terrible Tale of the Gunnysack

But . . . What’s the Alternative?

Part 2: The People-Pleaser’s Survival Kit

Chapter 5: Six Different Ways to Say NO

Direct NO

Reasoned NO

Reflecting NO

Raincheck NO

Enquiring NO

Broken Record NO

Challenging the Beliefs that Stop You from Saying No

Chapter 6: Everyone Needs Boundaries . . . Including You!

Reframe What You Are Keeping OUT with Your Boundary

Trust Your Feelings

Respect Other People’s Boundaries

Give up Explaining

Follow up with Action

Chapter 7: Being Assertive—or at Least How to Fake it till You Make It

Watch Your Body Language

Maintain Comfortable Eye Contact

Dress the Part

Develop Your Personal Sense of Poise

Chapter 8: Assertive Communication—Speak Loud, Speak Clear, and Speak from the Heart

Feelings Are Never Right or Wrong

People Are Responsible for Their Own Feelings

Understand What the Goal of Communication Is

Applying Self-Knowledge and Asking for What You Want

Part 3: Changing Your Mindset for Good

Chapter 10: Don’t Take Your Inner Critic’s Word for It

Is the Choice I’m Making for Me or for Someone Else?

Is My Inner Critic Working for Me or Against Me?

What is My Inner Critic Trying to Achieve?

Chapter 11: How to Drop the People-Pleaser’s Worst Habit—Over-Apologizing

Chapter 12: Plugging into the Energy Source of Self-Validation

Step 1: Be Aware of What You Feel

Step 2: Normalize

Step 3: Tell the Truth

Part 4: Kind and Compassionate . . . But Not a Doormat!

Chapter 13: The Art of Compassion . . . REAL Compassion

Mindfulness Meditation for People-Pleasers

Loving-Kindness Meditation for People-Pleasers

Chapter 14: Breaking the Illusory Bonds of Codependency

Make Yourself Your New Rescue Project

Chapter 15: Charting Your Progress in Black and White

Use a Journal and Be Your Own Therapist

How to Use Affirmations

Summary Guide

Part 1: Why are Some People People-Pleasers?

Chapter 1: The Need to be Liked

Hey, could you stay late this evening and finish up all my work for me? There’s a party tonight and I’ll miss it if I don’t leave now.

Oh sure! Of course! Uh . . . do you need me to give you a lift there?

People call them doormats, pushovers, or people-pleasers, but whatever they’re called, they all seem to have the same playbook: be nice, be helpful, be kind, and no matter what you do, never ever say no.

In this book, we’ll be looking closely at the seemingly irresistible need to please others at all costs and how to tackle the sometimes devastating effects of putting yourself last. We’ll look at why you might be a people-pleaser and what lies at the root of your mindset. This way, you can begin unpicking certain core beliefs so that you’re empowered to set healthier boundaries and start to take charge of your life.

People may tell you, Just say no! Just be firm! but the truth is, if you’re a chronic people-pleaser, it goes a lot deeper than this. We’ll explore some easy tips and tricks to fake it ’til you make it, but we’ll also take a closer look at how to make more lasting and fundamental changes. These changes will help you genuinely feel more content, composed, and confident in yourself so that you truly don’t need to people-please anymore.

A wonderful thing happens when people give up people-pleasing: they realize that when they’re happy, balanced, and assertive, their relationships are actually more respectful, more intimate, and more real—not less!

People-pleasing is a complex learned behavior, but the good news is that with a little effort, you can shift your mindset and start to engage with others on more genuine, mature, and equal footing. No matter where you are right now, this book will show you how.

One major cause of people-pleasing is the need to be liked.

Are you a people-pleaser? Chances are you already know the answer to this question, but there is one tell-tale sign that may reveal a deeper problem: you constantly think, I wonder if they like me?

Do they like how I look?

Do they like my work?

Do they think I’m interesting or intelligent or valuable?

Am I needed?

Do they like what I say or what I do?

Do they like me?

First things first: wanting to be liked is not a problem. It’s human. We all seek out acceptance into a group and try hard to avoid being rejected. Humans evolved in small tribes in which being a part of the bigger whole was necessary for survival. Therefore, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with caring about the opinions of others, wanting their validation, or feeling good about yourself because they feel good about you.

The trouble is, a people-pleaser can have difficulty finding where to draw the line between this need to please and their own need for authenticity, dignity, and self-worth. In other words, it’s a problem of balance.

There are people out there who don’t consider the opinions of others enough—they may be callous, inconsiderate, uncaring, or outright hostile to the idea of pleasing other people. But if you’re reading this book, chances are that you fall on the other end of the spectrum. When it comes to your own self-concept and worth as a human being, you give the opinions and actions of others too much weight.

Here are a few examples in which the need to people-please has tipped over from a normal human desire into a set of behaviors that actively limits life’s potential:

You submit a project to a client who usually gives you effusive praise, only to have them say, Thanks! and move on without a second thought. You spend all evening wondering what they really think and whether they actually hated the project or worse, whether it’s you they hate.

You accidentally said something offensive and immediately apologized. The other person is a bit hurt but has forgiven you and appears to have moved on. However, you find yourself wracked with guilt and can’t stop thinking of things you should be doing to make it up to them. You keep apologizing until the whole situation is awkward.

You’re dating someone new, and all your focus immediately goes to finding out what they like so you can be that. You subtly alter how you speak, dress, or behave in an unconscious bid to be the kind of person you hope they’ll be attracted to.

Dr. Roger Covin is a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Need to be Liked. His research has shown him that although people-pleasing has roots in natural human social behavior, it can cause a few problems:

It can stop you from doing what you want (because what will they think?).

It can stop you from exploring, creating, or trying something new (too risky).

It can cause anxiety and unhappiness.

Basically, if your life’s purpose is meeting the needs of other people, then what happens to your needs? A people-pleasing life is often inauthentic, stressful, and unhappy. At the core of this life are two lies: the first is that it is one hundred percent totally and absolutely unacceptable for us to be disliked. The second is that it is our job to make other people happy, and that we are responsible for how they feel.

How do we let go of these lies? Here are the insights and attitudes associated with a healthier sense of self.

You’re an Ink Blot

Think of a Rorschach ink blot test. Everyone sees in those ambiguous blobs whatever they want to see. And what they see has nothing to do with the blob itself. Think of yourself the same way!

Some people will like you, and some won’t. Some people will love certain characteristics in you, while others hate those same traits. And it doesn’t mean a thing. If someone says, I like you, it’s not all that