Sexual Healing: Shining a Lantern on Erotic Experience: The Story of Marty and Lee

By Haley Fox Ph.D.

Sexual Healing is the true story of the sexual experiences of a middle-aged couple in love.

Dr. Fox and her two anonymous co-authors, "Marty and Lee," explore together the couple's most intimate,

explicit sexual experiences, fantasies, and intimate dialog.

Follow Marty and Lee on a most remarkable jour

• Language: English
• Publisher: WordHouse Book Publishing
• Release date: Jun 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685471132

Haley Fox Ph.D.

Dr. Haley Fox brings more than 30 years' experience as an educator, clinical supervisor, author andpracticing psychotherapist (board certified in art therapy and music therapy). An interest in sexualityemerged in part from working with sexual abusers, particularly in treatment programs focused onbuilding healthy sexuality.Dr. Fox is an internationally known speaker and has taught courses insexuality at Augsburg College in Minnesota and at Adler University in Chicago.

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Sexual Healing: Shining a Lantern on Erotic Experience

Copyright © 2022 Haley Fox, P

h.

D.

This is a work of creative non-fiction. All of the events in this book are true to the best of the author’s memory. Some names and identifying features have been changed to protect the identity of certain parties. The author in no way represents any company, corporation, or brand, mentioned herein. The views expressed in this book are solely those of the author and her co-authors, who have taken the pseudonyms Lee and Marty and prefer to remain anonymous.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without prior written permission from the publisher or author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN

Paperback 978-1-68547-111-8

Hardcover 978-1-68547-112-5

eBook 978-1-68547-113-2

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022911113

Printed in the United States of America

101 Foundry Dr,

West Lafayette, IN, 47906, USA

www.wordhousebp.com

[phone]

Now comes a love who

becomes the stream with me,

who merges, glistens and

nourishes.

A Water Love who

gurgles in delight as

we plunge down the water

fall as one.

A close, moist love who

beholds stately mountains

as we float through gray and

deep valleys.

A simple being

so complex I never

fully know her denseness,

cleanly hid.

How can I love her?

How can I not?

~Marty

Dedication

Many of the ideas contained within this book were inspired in some way by the work of the late James Hillman, a beloved neo-Jungian theorist whose profound influence on the field of psychology may have yet to be fully realized. An avid reader of his work, Dr. Fox (a primary author of this volume) had the privilege of experiencing Dr. Hillman’s engaging presence and intellectual rigor during two Conversations with James Hillman seminars at Lesley University in the late 1980s; much later, she braved her way through a hotel lobby in San Diego during the 2010 Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference to approach him personally and specifically inquire about his view of her unique treatment of the language of soul in relation to the mythical figures of Psyche and Eros—in particular the notion that the terms Psyche and soul ought not be interchangeable. Though he was an opinionated man, he listened attentively and gave her ideas serious consideration, in the end acknowledging that the thinking, heretofore not considered by him, seemed cogent.

May he continue to rest in peace and bliss in the arms of the imaginal realm he so revered.

Table of Contents

DEDICATION v

PREFACE 1

What Sexual Healing Means in this Context 2

INTRODUCTION 7

Sexual Roots: Marty’s Story 8

Sexual Roots: Lee’s Story 10

First Meeting: Marty’s Story 13

First Meeting: Lee’s Story 15

CHAPTER ONE: The Myth of Eros and Psyche 19

Eros, Psyche and Soul 27

The Lover’s Way 28

CHAPTER TWO: Eros and Psyche Separated 29

Marty’s Distant Days of Winter 33

CHAPTER THREE: Four Psychological Tasks 37

Take Stock 39

Gather Golden Fleece 40

Face Shadow 42

Lee on Being Cold 42

Find Beauty 44

Psyche’s Fatal Error 47

CHAPTER FOUR: The Marriage of Eros and Psyche 49

Lee’s Big Head Experience 53

The Ceiling, by Marty 54

CHAPTER FIVE: The Offspring of Eros and Psyche 57

Marty on the Sexual Climax 61

Not Climaxing: A Perfectly Viable Option 63

The Desire to Make Babies 65

Lee on the Desire to Be Pregnant 66

Marty on the Desire to Make Lee Pregnant 68

Marty on the Resurrection of the Body 70

CHAPTER SIX: Experiences with Sexual Healing 75

Marty on Dancing in the Dark: Primal Sexuality 77

Into the Light: Marty on Doing It Openly 81

Marty’s Hot, Healing Hands 83

Lee on Receiving Marty’s Hot Hands 84

Freeing Sexual Blocks 85

Marty on Body Memories 86

Marty on Sexual Blocks 87

Gifts of Forbidden Fantasies 90

Marty on the Egyptian Sister Bride 91

Trust Moments 93

Marty on Trust-Building Moments 94

Marty on Gender Swapping 96

Lee on Having a Penis 99

A Misguided Desire to Heal: Marty in the Asparagus Patch 100

CHAPTER SEVEN: Invisible Partners 103

Befriending Imaginal Characters 105

Hank’s Intrusion: Lee’s Observations 105

Hank’s Intrusion: Marty’s Observations 107

Lee on Percy in the Bedroom 109

Approach-Avoidance: Marty on the Chinese Finger Trap 113

Reconciliation: Lee’s Experience 115

Lee’s Decision 118

CHAPTER EIGHT: Marty and Lee and the Four Tasks 123

Marty’s Four Tasks 125

Taking Stock 129

Gathering Golden Fleece 130

Facing Shadow 132

Finding Beauty 135

Day of Glowing and Giving 138

Lee and the Four Tasks 143

Taking Stock 143

Gathering Golden Fleece 145

Facing Shadow 146

Finding Beauty 148

Marty’s Final Reflections 150

Lee’s Final Reflections 153

Final Reflections by Dr. Fox 155

EPILOGUE: Ten Years Later 157

Lee’s Reflections 158

Final Summary by Dr. Fox 163

Glossary 165

Index of Songs 169

References 171

Preface

This is the true story of the sexual experiences of a monogamous, middle-aged couple in love. In this respect, it is an ordinary human story, one that has been told and retold in various ways throughout human history. But for Marty and Lee the telling of this story is no ordinary undertaking, for it is their story.

It has been a difficult task to bring to fruition, and for this reason the couple has made the choice to remain anonymous. Marty and Lee have cultivated an openness to discussing sexual matters, but they realize that this kind of openness may be hard for some to hold within our current social fabric, at least in the United States. Ironically, in the face of today’s sexually saturated culture—with its explicit movies and television programs, tell-all memoirs, shallow pornographic literature and blogged erotic fantasies and adventures—literature like this is rare. We bring it forward now in response in part to our own longing for the sort of content that Marty and Lee share on the pages to follow—honest, intimate reflections rarely spoken about, even with our partners—deeply evocative and sensually stimulating writings that take seriously the relationship between sex and love, informed by the wisdom of ancient myths.

Many of the events detailed within these pages, and the insights they have awakened, may seem extraordinary to readers. Sexuality is such a private matter, and, as noted, literature like this is so rare that the true uniqueness of these stories eludes. Perhaps such stories are more common than we think. We suspect—and indeed, we hope—thatsome will benefit from what Marty and Lee learn from their most intimate sexual experiences, especially the main lesson that sex can set in motion bone-deep healing.

This is not a novel. Though names and settings have been changed to protect confidentiality, the events and experiences described have not been embellished. Our purpose has not been to entertain, sugarcoat, or over-dramatize. We, the authors (Marty, Lee and Dr. Fox), simply hope to teach from the extraordinary experiences that have blessed Marty and Lee and to offer fresh ways of understanding and reflecting upon sexual experiences.

The book contains lovemaking scenes that involve lapsing into alternate states of awareness or consciousness. The resulting images and sensations are not manufactured fantasies. They simply happen as full-blown events, surprising both Marty and Lee with their detail and immediacy. In the midst of the experiences, this couple finds that if they stop to observe or analyze their states, those altered states tend to slip away; so they learn to gracefully allow the cracks in consensual reality to unfold with their own rhythms.Reflection and analysis come later. That analysis is woven into the text here primarily in the reflections and commentaries of Dr. Fox.

What Sexual Healing Means in this Context

Sex opens windows to the best and worst in human experience—bliss and jealousy, transcendence and debasement, joy and utter despair. Sex is an undeniably strong physical, emotional and spiritual force, with the power to injure as well as the power to heal. Perhaps most awesome is the role that human sex plays in procreation, but surely this is not its only purpose. Sex can also be a potent channel for personal expression, growth and healing; otherwise, we might expect that humans would only desire sex when fertile and able to procreate.

Sex can be healing on many levels. At its simplest, the act of having sex is like scratching an itch. It affords a sense of relief and completion. It feels good. But just what is this itch? What is this hunger, this longing that sometimes arises out of nowhere at an inopportune moment to command immediate attention, at other times builds gradually in distinctly favorable circumstances, only to pass abruptly—coitus interruptus—due to something as simple as a careless remark or a fleeting thought? From whence does the sexual impulse come, and what does it really ask of us?The pages that follow ponder these questions, and we believe the answers to such questions have great bearing on the healing power of sex.

Let us not forget, of course, that sex is quite unlike scratching an itch in one profound way: It is not a solitary activity. One can argue that masturbation is a sexual activity, but we are rarely really alone even during masturbation, for our fantasies accompany us. Indeed, masturbation generally serves to satisfy a sexual impulse that has at its base the desire to connect with another person, actual or imaginal,1∗ in a sexual way.

The reality that a person’s sex drive desires, or indeed requires, another person to satisfy highly individual emotional and physical needs complicates things considerably. We believe that sex always offers opportunities for healing, but our responses to these opportunities determine whether they become paths to psychic mending and self-discovery or slippery slopes to more wounding. Responding to sexual impulses with recklessness, choosing the wrong partner, or failing to consider the needs of the other can easily lead to deep hurt and psychological fragmentation on both sides.

Admittedly, the idea of healing is not usually on our minds when we undress our partners or when we reach the point of abandon on the way to a climax. Once we find ourselves in bed with a sexual partner, we may engage in sex only semi-consciously, on automatic pilot. We may regard sex as a physical activity that can stir our emotions, but we may not appreciate the important ways in which it can also serve to express our histories, our present moments and dreams, our personal glories and shadows, and even our life’s work and purpose in the world. And we may not fully appreciate the important role sex plays in mending fresh or long-dormant psychic wounds. Regardless of our level of awareness, sexual experience moves us through all these realms.

Sexual Healing in this context, then, does not pertain to the diagnosing of sexual disorders, nor to the healing of problems of a sexual nature. That would be another book. Our intention here is to present and explore sexuality as a vehicle for the healing of psychological wounds—that is, the wounds of Psyche. Indeed, we regard sexuality as a vehicle for soul-making through the joining of Eros (the Greek God of erotic love) and Psyche (the young woman beloved by Eros, representing human consciousness, also known as spirit), as described in the ancient myth retold in Chapter 1.

Popular culture has come to associate the term erotic—and somewhat more so the term erotica—with sexual and even pornographic connotations. Both terms have origins in the name of Eros, commonly understood as the Greek god of love and sexual desire (Mythepedia, 2006). But to associate Eros with sexual desire is limiting and not true to the mythological approach we engage here, in which we seek to emphasize the expansive richness of images and their meanings. It seems more correct to see the erotic as anything that inspires sensual desire, passion and attraction. Certainly sexual attraction fits these requirements, but so would any sensual engagement, including engaging in an erotic dance, musical improvisation or other form of artistic expression, or even baking bread or eating chocolate. (Consider the richly erotic musings of the presumptively sexually abstinent art critic, Sister Wendy Beckett.)

This book does not contain an exhaustive analysis of sexual practices and responses. Our approach is more reflective than analytical. That is, we reflect upon erotic images, impulses, rhythms, fantasies and experiences, appreciating their autonomy, and allowing these aspects and entities to reveal themselves to us as they will. This sort of reflection preserves the richness and mystery of images and encourages us to remain open to further discovery.Indeed, we encourage imaginative readers of this book to plumb the material for new discoveries beyond those made by Lee and Marty.

Besides sexual healing, readers may wonder about the use of other terms in this book—terms such as myth, Ego, Anima and Animus, and soul, to name a few. Some of these terms have been used to denote starkly or subtly different meanings in different contexts. The authors have endeavored to be as precise as possible about usage, for we have great respect for language. But in order to maintain a comfortable flow, instead of interrupting the text each time a new term is introduced, we will briefly restate the term’s meaning when we feel it is appropriate, and for the reader’s benefit we have included a glossary at the back of the book to address those same terms more directly and completely.

Some readers may sense an affinity with the language of archetypal psychologist James Hillman, whose thought has influenced our theoretical framing here. Like Dr. Hillman, we subscribe to the habit of personifying archetypal images, lending them their just autonomy, by referring to them in capital letters when we feel it is appropriate. This practice is analogous to the way in which one might for example refer to that man’s father in the lower case but adopt the upper case in a more personified context, I am here, Father.

For the academics reading this text, these contents were produced as a qualitative research study, in the spirit of Clark Moustakas (1990), exploring the research question What is the experience of sexuality as a vehicle for psychological healing?This research spanned the course of several years and applied a heuristic methodology and a considerable amount of imaginative variation; in that respect, the more appropriate methodological designation would be to refer to the research as a form of arts-based heuristic research.Lee and Marty were well-versed in this particular research methodology and willing engaged themselves as both subjects and co-researchers, for the purpose of further illuminating and informing others by reflecting upon their personal psychological healing through engagement in sensual and sexual experiences.

The reader of the electronic version of this book may notice hyperlinks scattered throughout the text. These links connect the reader to original songs by Dr. Fox, a board-certified music therapist and expressive arts therapist; the songs emerged to her spontaneously in the course of this study to illustrate particular experiences and concepts. Indeed, when it comes to the human experience, the arts-based format may have more utility for describing some notions than is possible in a simple written narrative.

The contents of this book can perhaps be best summarized in this way: The myth of how Eros and Psyche unite in love offers a rich metaphor for understanding psychological healing. Images are engaged and come to our aid when Psyche opens her arms to Eros. Greater psychic