Like Father, Like Daughter: Finally Learning Who I Am

By Jodi Rigby

I never understood why my father left. I never understood why I was not allowed to ask questions about hi to anyone in my family. At some point, the narrative changed. My mother would tell me that he loved me more than he loved anyone else in the world, but in his own way.

 

I spent my entire life wishing for my father to be present. Sure, I grew up in a family that loved me, but something was missing...my dad. The ever-present wound that oozed into every aspect of my life: Securty. Self-esteem. Abandonmnet. Anger. Searching for love in all the wrong people. Sabotage.

 

Could the little girl inside of me, who spent her life chasing after love to fill the void in her heart that her dad left, have had it all wrong? It was time to release the pain and anger. It was time to accept the truth. It was time to fill that void with the piece that fit perfectly. Quite frankly, it was time to heal.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jodi Rigby
• Release date: Oct 23, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215983331

Jodi Rigby

Jodi Rigby is a mother of five, wife, and daughter. With two children who have died, she is active in the bereaved parent and grief communities. Professionally, she is a hospice nurse, Certified Women's Empowerment Coach, writer, and speaker. She has dilligently worked to make the world a better place by raising strong children and advocating for distracted driving laws, safety in household products, dignity in dying, substance abuse recovery, grief support, education support for twice exceptional children, justice reform, and healthcare accessibility. Known as a creative problem solver, Jodi assists others in finding solutions outside of the box and in bringing their visions into reality. Jodi is a member of Professional Woman Network and available for speaking engagements, writing, workshops, and private coaching.

Book preview

DEDICATION

To my Dad:

Thank you for finding me. Thank you for trying. I get being difficult honestly. I love you.

To my big brother, Charlie:

I look to the moon every night and think of you. Thank you for keeping the same Christmas list for over 30 years – your little sister. I miss you bigger than the moon. Love, Lil Sis.

To my younger self:

Be gentle with yourself. You did not deserve the pain caused by others. You deserved security, safety, and unconditional love. Thank you for never giving up. I am healing for you.

To my children:

Thank you for loving me as I continue to grow. I love you Monsters, the mosterest. Last word. Be brave. Have courage. Stand for what is right and just.

To my mother:

Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for being brave and courageous, even as the storms of life blew around us. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for encouraging me to face my fears and stand up for myself. Thank you for teaching me to eat my elephants one bite at a time.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Uncle Bobby, Uncle Larry, and Aunt Sherry have shown me the true meaning of family. From photos to stories, they have made sure that I knew I belonged, and I was wanted. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. What is taken is replaced tenfold.

Mingo, thank you for loving and supporting my father and me on this journey. Forgiveness and acceptance would not have been possible without you. Thank you for saving the treasures he had tucked away in his office. I dreamed my whole life of photographs with my father; and you made sure I received them.

My husband, Ray, I know it has not been easy while I process love, loss, and the complexities of my dad and me. Thank you for your patience, encouragement, and love on this roller coaster.

Bootz, thank you for your positive energy and the clarity you bring to life. Thank you for showing me how to be unapologetically me. Here is your receipt!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter One: Don’t Ask

Chapter Two: He Found Me

Chapter Three: Father’s Day

Chapter Four: Family Reunion

Chapter Five: Never Again

Chapter Six: The End is Near

Chapter Seven: The Touch

Chapter Eight: Paradigm Shift

Chapter Nine: The Box

Chapter Ten: Like Father, Like Daughter

Chapter Eleven: The Man We Knew

Chapter Twelve: Peace

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

Why won’t you die already? I want to see you suffer! I need to see you hurt like you hurt me! I exclaimed in my head as I sat next to his bed. I sat as far from the bed as I could, disgusted to be in his presence and wondering why everyone felt it so important that I be there. My father was in ICU and on life support. With the machines beeping and the medication dripping, I could not speak a word aloud. I was angry.

He had collapsed a week earlier at physical therapy. Nobody told me. Why would they? I had only seen him three times in my adult life. This visit made four. He had been on his deathbed before, or so I was told, and always pulled through. I never heard of those until months or years after they occurred. I was the forgotten child. The child he gave up on and nobody ever knew about. Wasn’t I?

My dad and I had not spoken in months. I had let him know I never wanted to speak to him again. Yet here we were. I was angry. He abandoned me. I was hurt. But when I was told he was dying, I rushed to his bedside. I wish everyone would stop telling me how much he loved me. He chose to leave me. He chose to miss out on every important moment of my life. He chose not to find me until I was an adult and even then, he continued to let me down. I hated him for that.

I never understood why he left. I never understood why I was not allowed to ask questions about him to anyone in my family. You don’t need to know about him, they would say. I had never seen a picture of him. At some point, the narrative changed. My mother would tell me that he loved me more than he loved anyone else in the world, but in his own way. She had not talked to him in decades. How could she know?

I spent my entire life wishing for my father to be present. I will never have a dad who saw me take my first steps or teach me to ride a bike or mend my heartaches or check my tires. Sure, I grew up in a family that loved me, but something was missing. My dad. The wound oozed into every aspect of my life: Security. Self-esteem. Abandonment. Anger. Searching for love in all the wrong people. Sabotage. I kept waiting for the man who never showed up. How could he possibly love me?

I have tried my best to live a life without regret. I have no regrets in life – except when I chopped my hair off in an act of rebellion to the world. Not so much a regret. That was a statement to the universe and everyone around me that I am in control of my feelings and my actions. Perhaps it is a statement of healing, something one should never regret.

He refused to die that night. Probably just to spite me. Isn’t that how my dad lived his life - just to hurt me? Realistically, the Lord knew we had some unfinished business between the two of us that needed to be handled.

Could the little girl inside of me, who spent her life chasing after love to fill the void in her heart that her dad left, had it all wrong? It was time to release the pain and anger. It was time to accept the truth. It was time to face reality. It was time to fill that void, with the piece that fit perfectly. The time had come to heal.

CHAPTER ONE

Don’t Ask

There was always a family secret and it centered around me. Nobody outside of the family knew about it and nobody inside the family ever talked about it. I was the annoying, nosey blabber mouth who kept pestering everyone for details. While it may have been every once in a while for others, to me it felt frequent and constant. Somehow, I always ended up with the same answer! It was as if on the day I was born, the entire family gathered around, took a vow of silence, and agreed to give me a stock answer if I should ever ask. I was never to know anything about anything or anyone. Most certainly, it was intended that I never even ask.

I was five or six years old when I realized there was something different about me. I was curiously exploring a file folder labeled with my name. In here, my parents kept important documents and mementos. I found a Cabbage